How do you cope?

Other-Farm-3432 · 2024-12-02T02:21:47+00:00

I may end up getting a divorce. Thinking about is hard but the trust fills like it’s gone. And she seems like there are secrets that she is not telling.

RepresentativeOk5968 · 2024-11-29T03:47:55+00:00

Time. I think I was "luckier" than most in that I discovered her cheating on me. From that point forward, I lost pretty much all feelings of affection for her. She was dead to me. She tried to hug me goodbye the last time I saw here (when they was getting her stuff out of my house) and I rebuffed her. No, you don't get to touch me and pretend like everything is ok because it is not.

But time will make things ache a little less. You make new friends or reconnect with old ones, take up new hobbies and interests. Concentrate on your job or your fitness or whatever to make YOU happy. Every day that you work on making yourself happy will be a success and a step to recovery. Until one day, things won't hurt you anymore. You will get through this and it gets better I promise.

No-Ground1625 · 2024-11-28T23:25:12+00:00

You learn to cope. It takes time, years and sometimes decades but you will never fully forget. You just learn to live with it and move on. I dated a girl from 2 decades ago almost and I still "feel" for her. This is even after a new relationship, marriage then divorce that happened to me. Some people just stay with you. Remember love and pain is like ying and yang. There is no love without pain. You just decide which one takes up how much space. Cherish the memories but remember, that's all they are now. Seek therapy which will help you move to the next chapter.

stupididiot78 · 2024-11-28T21:34:38+00:00

Think of the bad times. Think of what she's put you through after those times.

I miss me and how I felt back then. I don't miss the person who put me here.

SaltSpecialistSalt · 2024-11-28T21:24:51+00:00

like you cope with every loss. stoicism

Here is some 2000 years of wisdom

Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight.

Why should anyone be afraid of change? What can take place without it? What can be more pleasing or more suitable to universal nature? Can you take your bath without the firewood undergoing a change? Can you eat without the food undergoing a change? And can anything useful be done without change? Don't you see that for you to change is just the same, and is equally necessary for universal nature?

-- Marcus Aurelius. Meditations

bk2747 · 2024-11-28T18:46:26+00:00

I just focus on my son. Plus, the shit she pulled that sparked the divorce made it easy for me. She is my sworn enemy for life and I will never view her in another light.

Have I had “bad” dreams about her? Yup. Thoughts of her being intimate with other men triggering anxiety and other negative thoughts? Absolutely. Can’t help it, I loved her. Still love her to an extent. But at the end of the day, she is the enemy who destroyed our family for $10k a year.

Tinknocker123 · 2024-11-28T18:05:14+00:00

If you have children, put all your focus on them. They've been the only thing keeping me going the last few months.

Use this as an opportunity to better yourself also. Whether it be physically, mentally or your education.

Lastly, get a therapist. I can't tell you how much that has helped. There's no shame in it either. They're trained to ask the questions you need to ask yourself.

Pro-IDGAF · 2024-11-28T16:51:11+00:00

OP, you will never be right in the head unless you make a conscious effort to right yourself.

stop dwelling on the past, live in the moment for yourself. you have to put in the mental energy to keep those past memories and present ruminations of what shes doing aside.

they will not go away with time, only get worse. be who you were before her. good luck buddy.

watermelonstrong · 2024-11-28T15:36:14+00:00

Time, time and more time. You will 100% get there dude. You just need time and more time, trust me you will get there. I could have made your post 10 months ago, a year ago. Im one year separated now. I've gone through it all. I don't miss her. I only regret she destroyed the family unit, I always will, for the kids sake. But I don't give a shit what she's doing though, I don't pine for her at all. I'm moving on with my single dad life and genuinely looking forward to Christmas, the new year, all that stuff.

You will get there, you just need time. Don't make silly decisions day by day, stay strong and you'll get there.

ImportantArm9722 · 2024-11-28T15:12:44+00:00

Therapy, educating yourself, gym, work, hobbies, & friends.

Therapy to help you sort through your emotions and dig into the causes of the divorce. Be self reflective because none of this is typically 100% one-sided. Acknowledge your mistakes and strive to be better for the next one.

Educate yourself on attachment theory - as your situation sounds a lot like mine.... and when I realized she had every indicator of being a dismissive avoidant (with narcissistic tendencies) a LOT of my confusion over the end of our marriage (and relationship up to that point) made sense.

Gym it hard because it'll help with both physical and mental health. It'll help with the anger/sadness. It'll help with future dates. A high quality girl will want a man who takes car of himself. Plus it's tough to be sad when you look amazing in the mirror.

Work to build a life that you are proud of independent of the stressors of being married. This will eventually help you attract a quality partner.

Hobbies/Friends give you a sense of purpose and community - which you need to get through this.

Good luck sir. It does get better.

Pro-IDGAF · 2024-11-28T15:04:06+00:00

its an interesting thing with us guys that got left by their wives.

there seem to be 2 camps, one like most of you that truly loved your wife and got shafted by the deceitful heart woman and i feel bad for you bc broken hearts suck

then there is my camp, i dont think i ever truly loved her. she was the one that initiated marriage and then kids. i was young and dumb and just along for the ride. i sorta grew to love her but i’m not the love-type of guy i guess.

my divorce was hardness from the standpoint of working so hard all those years, paying off the home, saving money, being the best husband i could to a person that was BPD and mentally abusive, so my D was a breath of fresh air but costly. i tried to love her but she made that impossible to do, for a sane person.

i’d be better off single and just free-range i think. that is starting to creep into my now 5 year relationship. not sure how to handle this because some things feel like lather rinse and repeat but that is for another sub…

as for letting go of someone you loved that betrayed you, i thinl its really important to put yourself on the top of the list. learn to love yourself first and for-most. if you were a good person to you spouse, acknowledge that daly and realize that there are evil selfish people out there that will take advantage of that. learn and adapt.

thats all. out.

tinkerb3lll · 2024-11-28T14:47:46+00:00

As others have said time is what heals a lot of time. It took me 4.5 years to feel whole again, insane right, the amount of time. But life moves on and so will you. You will eventually feel indifferent, when you ready, you will meet someone else. It's not even about you, people simply get bored with each other, it was not because you are not good enough or a good husband or a good father, none of it actually matters.

Simply they are bored with their own lives. Unless they fix that they will just keep doing the same thing. But you however can heal, fix things you have done or could do better. You will move on, it's painful, it's traumatic.

Think of it like been in a car crash, you deal with the shock and trauma and slowly heal, it's the same thing as sad as it sounds. Good luck, you will be fine.

Suspicious_Dot6179 · 2024-11-28T10:52:40+00:00

Every sentence you mentioned is about her being with someone else, not about you being with someone else. Why is she so important man. The 'someone else' won't be better than u in any way, just another human that she will do exactly the same thing too. Or he will dump her, one or the other. Either way she remains a shit person. I recommend getting ur mind off her via something fun and brain numbing. Not the healthiest option but worked for me. I won't mention what substances worked lol but find something that makes u stupid

Gr1pp717 · 2024-11-28T08:09:21+00:00

Denial and compartmentalization. Not exactly a healthy option. But the situation is hurting less and less with time. Though, we're 3 months into it and I still struggle to maintain my composure sometimes...

IDK, but I imagine my situation is somewhat abnormal. We're still very loving towards each other. We hug, kiss, say I love you, talk nonstop, etc. just like we did before divorce was a topic. She very clearly has doubts. It even feels like we've made it through this rough patch some days. Then, for no reason whatsoever, she'll start pressing me for divorce paperwork. Or just being negative. e.g., We had sex last night (something that's happened multiple times in the 3 months since the D word was brought up) and it was really good. Some of the best sex we've had in years. ...Until she started crying. Today she wont kiss me.

This sort of thing has happened on like a weekly basis. The whiplash is getting old. I barely even register it at this point.

Thing is, none of her recent behavior makes sense. None of it fits her character. It's as if the crazy bitches that I married her to get away from in the first place have possessed her. And I just don't know what to make of it. Midlife crisis or some shit. I want to help her through it. I love the fuck out of her and hate seeing her go through this turmoil. But I don't know if I can. Or even should.

Hog-Switchkey · 2024-11-28T07:02:55+00:00

Time. That's it my friend. You will grieve, you will cry and you will reflect but it takes Time. You will survive and you will move on sometime!

Low-Impact-9695 · 2024-11-28T06:20:11+00:00

Unfortunately you need to desensitize yourself, that's the only way.

How to learn doing it is up to you.

DaddyNoBux · 2024-11-28T05:57:07+00:00

The crazy thing is that you ‘struggle’ to think of her having sex with someone else

Do you think she will ‘struggle’ to have sex with someone else however?

The reality is that the next one, if he already doesn’t exist, is going to get the sex show that you were denied. Real freak behaviour. That’s what they do mate.

Let it go mate

Go and get your dick wet. It’s never been easier with the apps.

She’s gone

mendaiga2120 · 2024-11-28T04:44:46+00:00

Hey brother, just been through the same shit. Stop moping around and get out there... More you distance yourself from life the more the universe will not reward you. You know exactly how to cope. You're just not letting yourself do it!

regertsrus · 2024-11-28T02:47:38+00:00

I coped real well real fast with other women. Those thoughts vanished overnight. I recommend you find a woman for better or worse for now or ferever

Top-Pop-2624 · 2024-11-28T02:42:15+00:00

This.

bennyl23 · 2024-11-28T02:38:07+00:00

Everyone on this sub has been there. You feel lost, maybe used, maybe duped or tricked in some way. The woman you knew, or thought you knew, is not that woman. Focus on yourself and nothing else. Unless you have kids then it's different but... Best advice I ever got was 'Be selfish', because I never put myself first.

SmokyTree · 2024-11-28T02:28:54+00:00

Hey man I know how you feel. Focus on yourself. It’ll get better with time. I’m in the shit with you too.

Reflog1791 · 2024-11-28T01:56:31+00:00

Yup very common temporary problem. Answer is move on and let it go.

To speed it up and enjoy your life, go to the gym and get buff. Update your wardrobe and get a haircut. Start taking care of number 1 and good things will happen.

fewdo · 2024-11-28T01:17:04+00:00

It can be hard but you have to let her go. Move on. Someone who isn't right for you is doing stuff with people. Billions of people who aren't right for you are doing stuff. This is just one of those people now.

That's not a reflection on you.

Title	How do you cope?
Author	PenguinsBabaay
Upvotes	23
Comments	36
Date	November 28, 2024 1:10 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1h1k7wk/how_do_you_cope/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-cope.1537066 https://theredarchive.com/post/1537066

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