My husband wants me to quit my 6 figures job

JohnWangDoe · 2025-01-27T21:21:57+00:00

do not quit your SWE job in this market.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-01-27T21:08:32+00:00

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? Am I overreacting, or should I stand my ground?

If your current job feels like an essential part of your happiness, then stand your ground. The more you discuss the issue, the more your conversation partner feels like they can change your mind. You'd have to be brief. You will likely fight, as I've noticed that there's always conflict in a marriage when one people feels like the other is prioritizing something over the marriage. The conflict is almost necessary for both parties to hash out where the prioritizes lie. You should try to be clear that you are prioritizing yourself (not your short-term pleasure, but your long-term emotional stability and happiness), and not necessarily your job. You can express openness leaving your job for something else that would fulfill your long-term needs, provided this is true.

The compromises here would likely be changing your LinkedIn settings/profile, working more from home, adjusting your hair/makeup/dress work, or adjusting your professional demeanor.

I know that I personally tend to be more agreeable than my husband would like if/when I'm approached or DMed. You being more curt with your responses may help. Reporting less of these interactions to your husband may help. There may be some gradual improvement at work as people's perception of you changes to incorporate your new marriage.

If you are stay at home wife with no kids, what do you do to feel fulfilled? Are you happy?

I am a SAHM, but I quickly realized that I needed a hobby that was creative and intellectually stimulating to maintain my happiness. My family doesn't always like the time this soaks up, so I try to find a balance, but I do need more than childrearing and homemaking. This is partly because my SAHM are as extensive and demanding as they are, but even if I had more leisure time I would still enjoy progressing and learning at something I enjoyed.

As you're in software development, maybe video game development, video editing, or web design would be related pastimes?

Ok_Praline_2819 · 2025-01-27T22:33:22+00:00

I love how this subreddit is not radicalized enough to even for a second suggest you should quit your job.

Don't quit your job. Actively listen and work together to find a different solution

iminterestedinthis · 2025-01-27T21:46:00+00:00

I quit my 6 figure job to be a stay at home gf at the time, but because I wanted to not because my husband forced me to. I had paid off my student loans and was much happier pursuing my own hobbies than doing what I was doing. These days I temp sometimes so I don’t feel like my degree was a total waste. When I was stay at home before kids we travelled Europe, which is something I could never do with my career. Now we’re married and as a stay at home mom, life revolves around my two kids which is harder/more tiring than my job was but less stressful/anxiety-inducing. They’re both super young so I’m in the dark days rn and can’t even think of a hobby lol.

Ultimately I think it’s wrong for you to quit if you love what you do and I genuinely believe your husband should support you in that fact! It may be different if you had kids and he wanted you there at home to raise them (and even then you should be on board too), but right now it sounds like you’d be totally bored and unhappy. Also if you quit is your career something you could pick back up where you left off? I felt more comfortable quitting because mine is like that.

LightOverWater · 2025-01-27T20:55:07+00:00

It's not about the job. It's about his feelings and insecurity. The change that needs to happen is not your career... it's making him feel secure. Offer assurance, speak to him, be transparent & compassionate.

And just so you know, quitting your job isn't going to solve the problem. Your husband will still be insecure. Cutting off a branch doesn't cure a poisoned tree.

PenelopeSchoonmaker · 2025-01-27T21:31:50+00:00

Do you have joint funds? You say he’s very generous, but now that you’re married, it isn’t generosity, it’s joint income. If you feel you need the extra money to be secure, or you don’t trust your husband enough to provide, or you can’t think of anything better to do with your time, then those are all good reasons to stay at your job. I would stop telling him that men are hitting on you though - there’s no reason to tell him other men are giving you options. That is likely hurtful to him.

Aggressive_Signal_86 · 2025-01-27T21:04:03+00:00

Is this the same guy you have history in your comments saying he is no longer attracted to you and you wanted to take a break? Seems like he needs therapy if he told you he wasn’t attracted to you and now if you improved your looks he is telling you you’re too attractive and people are looking. This doesn’t seem like it will be resolved by you staying home. Then he will think you are going out and meeting men when you have hobbies. You need to address the root of his insecurities.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2025-01-27T21:35:11+00:00

Dont do this. Your man should trust you, if he doesn’t then he needs to learn to because there’s no reason at all you should be forced to sit around at home instead of earn 100k extra of disposable income.

Like if you worked and put 50% of your earnings into a retirement fund you and him could retire within the next 10-15 years, instead of waiting til you’re like 65-70. It’s just an objectively bad decision from your husband.

Does he have a reason not to trust you?

Proud_Resort7407 · 2025-01-27T21:46:34+00:00

Honestly, unless it's for the express purpose of starting a family, I don't really see these demands as reasonable.

You're not overnight traveling regularly for work or going out for drinks all the time after hours with co-workers, are you?

I don't really see why he's so suspicious...

2cat007 · 2025-01-27T20:47:45+00:00

I don’t thinks you’re overreacting. If my husband wanted me to quit my 8K job I would think he lost his mind or he’s very controlling. Don’t give up your job. It’s not your fault guys are hitting on you. What’s important is how you handle it.

Ok_Lychee1258 · 2025-01-28T02:11:21+00:00

Don't do it!!! Find a way to stay. Frame it as you wouldn't have the confidence or w/e else to be a good wife for him if you quit. Ask what you can do to make him more comfortable. Make it all about benefits to him when negotiating. There's a deeper issue here that's going to rear it'd ugly head elsewhere If you quit

CountTheBees · 2025-01-27T23:03:10+00:00

I'm interested in who's hitting on you because it could be solvable with solid boundaries and cosmetic touches.

LinkedIn? Seriously? Uglify your photo. If they're randos you'll never to talk to or see again - block and keep silent.

Who's hitting on you at work? I've had luck with "sorry my boyfriend wouldn't like that" or similar. SW developers aren't the most outgoing self confident people, and the ones that are are generally happily married. So I'd expect your colleagues to stay to themselves, be too shy to say anything, or be easily dissuaded with a casual "on the weekend, my husband and l..." story every once in a while.

Talk about your husband at work, especially when meeting new people. Wear ugly clothes (seriously!). Don't wear makeup to work and leave your hair a bit gross unless there's an actual important meeting. Get to know the people in your group well and carefully pick "safe" men who you can hang out with at conferences and work events. Ask your husband what would put his mind at ease and allow you to keep your job. Ensure he knows that you need to be busy - his comment at Christmas implies he doesn't even know what you think?

Show him photos of the people you're with and MAKE SURE they are less attractive than he is!! Sometimes being transparent can backfire if it sounds like you're getting too much attention or from the wrong people. Completely ignore the ones that you never see again and don't mention them. Some men will always hit on everyone - if that's the case just don't mention it because it's not that serious. Space out the others so don't tell him about two in one week or whatever cadence he's okay with. Go home early. Tell him when people insult you or your looks as well. I was out at a work party and a guy who was a bit drunk made a disparaging comment about my dress - it was a "theme" event so I wasn't wearing anything nice, it was just to fit the theme. Whatever. Made a good story.

I read that you left a relationship with him then were with another man then got back with him. Unfortunately that situation would set off a lot of men's insecurities so you may have to make more sacrifices to keep him than a woman who had one continuous relationship with the same man. That's just the hard truth in this case, it's not an ideal situation for you.

Consistent-Citron513 · 2025-01-28T00:59:45+00:00

I would not quit my job for that purpose that he stated. The reason he is stating comes from his own insecurity in some way. We could work on addressing that and helping him feel more secure, but quitting a job is not the solution. If you're pretty, you likely have guys hitting on you regardless, so that won't resolve his issue.

Crisstti · 2025-01-27T20:50:43+00:00

Don't quit if you don't want to. It's not your fault you're pretty and guys are hinting on you. If he absolutely wants you to quit, he better find the way to make 8k more and give it to you.

ChamomileMist · 2025-01-27T23:40:21+00:00

EDIT: Post is locked due to the amount of rule breaking comments. OP, please make do with the responses from the 3 ECs as well as the other commenters.

This is a reminder that comments which do not contain actionable advice for OP will be removed.

Important Relationship Context

OP has stated some of the attention involves pressure from superiors to drink more.

CranberrySoftServe · 2025-01-28T02:58:14+00:00

Okay i'm gonna hit you with a bunch of questions to try and get some more details for better answers.

"I’m scared this is just the first step toward controlling me."

If you're thinking this, there is a reason you are thinking it. Maybe sit with yourself and think deeply about why you are in a marriage where your first thought when your husband who earns more than enough to support both of you

I personally avoided applying for jobs where I would be interacting with many men regularly out of respect for my hubs. I work in an office setting where there are only two men working in the actual office (plenty of men in the back warehouse but we don't really interact). I keep ALL interactions at arms-length.

When you say "attention from male colleagues"- what do you mean? What did these linkedin messages say? Do women coworkers give you the same "attention"?

" I can’t help but feel like I’m giving up my independence if I agree."

This may be a hot take but IMO one chooses to give up their full independence when they enter into a marriage. The top priority, beyond individual physiological needs, becomes the bond between the spouses, followed closely by individual needs.

What does he say when you speak with him about this? You mention not having kids *yet*- is it possible he wants to work towards having kids? Do you guys have a timeline on that? What was the plan for your work once you had them?

VasiliyZaitzev · 2025-01-28T06:42:33+00:00

So I see that we want to use the words “insecure” and “controlling” a lot here, because in most situations it’s easy and validates the woman’s feelings, and lets her continue behavior that her husband isn’t comfortable with for what might turn out to be entirely valid reasons. It’s just an intellectually lazy thing to do.

Let’s look at it from his point of view:

First, she’s in a predominantly male environment and guys know how other guys are. “Oh, no, they’re not like that.” BS. They are totally like that.

Second, since the husband in this scenario has plenty of coin, he is kind of thinking to himself “Why is she putting herself in this situation? Does she really like attention from other men that much?”

I’ve told the story here before about my university girlfriend and her group of nerds who worshiped her because she was the hot chick who would acknowledge their existence. The time I didn’t go to their party with her they just about went feral on her. At no point was I ever concerned that she was somehow going to reciprocate their advances, but I did think about “what if something happens and I’m not there to protect her?” So when she rang me to pick her up, when I got there, I found her cornered in the kitchen by a group of them. It was very much like the scene in “The Lion King” where Mufasa shows up and rescues the two cubs from the jackals. The good news was, we never had to go to one of their parties again. /heh

So it’s not always that we’re “insecure” it’s that we’re able to see danger where you don’t. If the situation was reversed, you would all be calling it “feminine intuition” and saying “trust your gut, girl!“

Third, they are trying for a baby. You wanna know who you don’t want your wife around when you’re trying for a baby? A bunch of other horny guys. That’s the kind of thing that makes your reptilian brain wonder what might be going on.

Fourth, “in this economy.” While a lesser concern, one thing is for sure, in this economy there’s definitely someone who actually needs that job as opposed to doing it because it’s “fulfilling“ when they don’t really have to. If the OP likes working, great, but let’s not forget that the company isn’t going to love her back.

It’s not like the OP has to quit, and I’m certainly not telling her that, but she should make sure that she’s actively discouraging any man who hits on her. She is after all a married lady. There’s nothing wrong with her going to her husband and saying “Look, I really love my job and I don’t wanna quit. I’m not in this for male attention. What would make you more comfortable?”

bekkys · 2025-01-27T20:53:51+00:00

How much does he make?

Dionne005 · 2025-01-27T22:39:20+00:00

Lol my husband would care less. Just tell your husband you’ll report anyone that is rude towards you and your marriage. But honestly just do you. Have you thought of real estate instead? So you can continue making money? Men are there too? Men are everywhere. If you stay at the house you can also find a man while grocery shopping.

lostthering · 2025-01-27T22:41:44+00:00

How often do women hit on him at his job?

AnjoonaToona · 2025-01-27T21:27:39+00:00

Is working from home not an option? Feel like that would be a good compromise.

angelicasinensis · 2025-01-28T00:35:53+00:00

I think you have answered your own question here, you do not want to quit. Marriage is a compromise but it seems like your job is very important to you. Trust is important and I think your husband may need to work on trust issues more. Have you considered therapy together, so that he could work through this?

Azihayya · 2025-01-27T21:56:24+00:00

No way you feel comfortable enough to quit a good job for a guy who is insecure like that. That doesn't feel like a relationship where you're super comfortable. If you're serious about considering his request, ask if he'll sign a post nuptial agreement so you know you'll be able to walk away and be able to stand on your feet.

valleybrook1843 · 2025-01-27T20:52:13+00:00

The good news is that he wants to take care of you financially but if you don’t want to quit- don’t. Ask yourself what you really want. He will pick up the slack financially and it sounds like he wants to try. You CAN be happy staying home but you’ll need to have hobbies and/or volunteer, unless you have children. I wouldn’t look at it as control he loves you and wants to take care of you.

Amanda5Nicole · 2025-01-28T00:27:12+00:00

What are his concerns? That you're flirting back, that they're putting you in danger of you say no, does he worry about competition? The cause of his insecurity is an important conversation to have.

His insecurity is not a valid reason to ask you to be financially dependent on him, for you to let go of something fulfilling and enjoyable, so that he can keep an eye on you.

Would you ask him the same? Would people think that a woman asking a man to leave his job because we don't like it that other people flirt? No.

As someone else mentioned, leaving your job (which is so challenging to find a job you enjoy and that pays well) is so risky in this economy. It's important that both feel comfortable but he can't control where you go in case someone were to flirt.

This seems 🚩🚩 and like a slippery slope. What if you like going to the beach, on vacation, or to the gym but people there flirt with you?? Would he ask you to isolate at home or always be within his sight?

His feelings are valid, his request isn't. Validate his feelings, reassure him that you don't flirt back and maybe suggest an action plan that works for both of you (therapy)?.

Equivalent-Ad5449 · 2025-01-27T21:31:22+00:00

No I can assure you this won’t fix the issue as the issue is he doesn’t trust you and is insecure and yes controlling. Wanting you to be isolated and dependent on him will only increase it and he’ll know he can get you to give up things you want by acting this way. This is not a high value man.

SpringsSoonerArrow · 2025-01-28T00:20:59+00:00

Yeah, don't quit. Tell him it's just nerds being nerds but I wouldn't be drinking around these horny nerds either. They know you're married but still don't respect that boundary, as any true professional would normally do.

Tread lightly at both work and home, to hopefully keep your head above the BS.

Good luck!...

TheBunk_TB · 2025-01-27T22:46:23+00:00

Find another job?

AutoModerator · 2025-01-27T20:43:35+00:00

Title: My husband wants me to quit my 6 figures job

Author ThrowRAthatgirlfrom

Full text: My husband wants me to quit my $8K/month software engineer job because 'too many men hit on me.' Am I wrong to feel controlled?

Hi, ladies. I’m in a bit of a dilemma and would love your perspectives.

I’ve been married for 6 months and I work as a software engineer making around $8,000 a month. I absolutely love my job. It’s fulfilling, pays well, and I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to where I am.

However, my husband recently sat me down and told me that he’s no longer comfortable with me working because he says, “Too many men hit on you at work and online.” I admit, I’ve gotten some attention from male colleagues and LinkedIn messages, but I’ve always kept it professional and transparent. I even told him about these instances to avoid any misunderstandings.

Now, he’s pressuring me to quit my job and stay at home. He says it’s about protecting our marriage, but honestly, it feels like he doesn’t trust me. He earns muuuuch more than me and is very generous but I can’t help but feel like I’m giving up my independence if I agree.

I’m scared this is just the first step toward controlling me. I know that we don’t need my salary and I absolutely love taking care of our household and everything, but can’t imagine being just stay at home wife (especially since we don’t have kids yet). I think I would get crazy to do nothing whole day.

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? Am I overreacting, or should I stand my ground?
Can life be fulfilling with no job? If you are stay at home wife with no kids, what do you do to feel fulfilled? Are you happy?

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ArdentBandicoot · 2025-01-28T00:48:06+00:00

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ChamomileMist · 2025-01-28T03:10:29+00:00

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ChamomileMist · 2025-01-28T03:32:35+00:00

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Elegant_Emu3852 · 2025-01-28T04:21:38+00:00

I quit my job as EA to change country for my husband's job, challenging but paid well. I love the thrilling. But now i sit at home doing nothing. I have to find my self projects to keeps me busy. I hope you can sit down again to talk to him. Say how you like the job and your mind is not on those who hitting u around, how you trying really hard to get to where you are rn, and it means so much for you, especially your partner's trust, how u feel he not trusting you. Instead of giving up, and tell him how to trust you. Good luck

ArdentBandicoot · 2025-01-28T04:59:27+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	My husband wants me to quit my 6 figures job
Author	ThrowRAthatgirlfrom
Upvotes	134
Comments	77
Date	January 27, 2025 8:43 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1ibjiw2/my_husband_wants_me_to_quit_my_6_figures_job/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-husband-wants-me-to-quit-my-6-figures-job.1542323 https://theredarchive.com/post/1542323

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