Still hurts, wth?

Some-Associate-7263 · 2025-06-12T02:16:42+00:00

Because you are in love with the memory of her, the good times that ment something, that person is not who she is today and she has moved on, the life you wanted to build, the perfect marriage you envisoned is being replicated with another man. It sucks man I got back together with my ex after 4 years because I thought I still loved her the memorys of when we first dated outshone any past red flags and it's been a nightmare the whole time because all the trauma of the past relationship gets picked up and carried into the new relationship. Just be happy for her and move on mate keep working on yourself and focus on your daughter

InfamousAd2011 · 2025-06-09T15:28:31+00:00

Because she stole the safety and security of your family all to break it and give another man the benefits. She literally stole your time, energy and broke a vow for her own selfish reason. You probably envisioned growing old with her. Your grandkids coming over to visit grandpa and grandma. She literally took your future and left you with doubts and trauma. It is reasonable to feel some type of way when she's with another man and that man is around your daughter. Nothing in the modern society about divorce and blended household is normal and men are just being abused and gaslight to accept it.

worried__disaster · 2025-06-09T14:59:12+00:00

You can't forgive your ex for your daughter's tears that day!? Last time I checked there are two people in a marriage but SHE's the one who needs forgiveness!? Because the marriage got to the point she didn't want to be in it anymore and she initiated the divorce? It's not really about your daughter's tears, it's about your own. All this, "poor me" attitude.

CRobinsFly · 2025-06-08T21:10:43+00:00

Legit tear came to my eye about your kids' reactions when you were forced to leave. Thanks for sharing that.

Women end marriages "just 'cuz". For real, they do. Their feelings told them to. Women are only loyal to their feelings. She hasn't told you why because she doesnt actually know. We could speculate all day long on what the primary driver was and still be wrong, but ultimately unless you were demonstrably abusive, do NOT blame yourself. Divorce goes off the deep end so quickly that it's not possible to recover almost instantly - and it would require Women admitting they were wrong, which they also wont do, because again: feelings.

Dialetic212 · 2025-06-08T20:52:59+00:00

Grieving comes in stages I hear. The last stage is when the partner moves on. Then you can close the chapter

Big-Candidate3238 · 2025-06-08T15:34:49+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Bumblebee56990 · 2025-06-08T14:41:42+00:00

Because instead of you going to therapy to deal With your shit you ran. And your ex has ‘healed’ and moved on while you haven’t. Go to therapy and find a woman to be with.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-06-08T13:43:04+00:00

OP, you can’t make modern women happy in general. You did NOTHING wrong, and I tell you that with fortitude. No giving her “support” is the biggest cop out. Women are like children nowadays and should be treated from that point of view. You expect you to be their therapist, child care provider, money provider for everything, best friend, and Harlequin Romance stud. It isn’t even remotely possible or sustainable. You’re a man, stop living in your feelings, know that you are not responsible, she is.

OldGuyNewTrix · 2025-06-08T13:25:26+00:00

This is me, just earlier on.

She decided divorce after 12 years. I held down the finances and work, while she handled out 3 kids (now 10,7,4). She said the divorce is due to the resentment she holds because she doesn’t feel i supported or helped enough around the house. I just never saw it coming because the 2 years leading up to divorce we seemed to be doing better, but apparently she’s still holding on to the resentment even though I’ve made a bunch of changes to try and make her happy. Then randomly she’s like “i want a divorce and that’s my final decision”. The kids seem to be handling it ok now, but we’re out of our current home, as we still co exist in the same home. Started a new job that needs a good two years to build a pipeline of solid income, first 2 years income is a little light. She assured me when I took it 12 months ago “we’re in it together, I’m working now so we can handle it”.. then 3 months later, she wants a divorce.

I think there’s more to it than she’s letting on. Maybe she has another person she’s just not telling me about, idk. Divorces suck, especially when one person makes the decision. I’m not looking forward to my kids meeting a new ‘partner’ that my STBX will eventually have if not already.

It’s an unfair system

khaddir_1 · 2025-06-08T12:37:35+00:00

I’m sorry you feel this way but I think you will do good to not think of her that way. You have to give someone else a chance to give you the same feeling as her new person is giving her. While I am a lot younger I used to deal with the same thing. Feeling sour that she may find someone else. As soon as you find and give a new person a real shot you won’t care about what she is doing.

Sader9801 · 2025-06-08T09:47:33+00:00

I’m 47. Will be married 17 years in two weeks. Divorce is 3/4ths done. My wife served me papers July of 24. Over the ensuing months from the time she served me, I would find out about four men in five years. They dripped out into my reality like a leaky faucet. Each one a surprise and each one a death blow. We are a Christian couple and didn’t sleep with one another until our wedding night. We have four sons together. The current AP she is with, it looks like they are on the road to marriage. My wife was caught by that guys wife and now they are also getting a divorce.

I have an idea as to why my wife served me, but she has and likely never will give me an answer as to adulteries or divorce. She had a massive stoke that would have killed 99 out of 100 people back in November of 2020. All affairs except one happened after that event. So, I can’t even say the stroke changed her, but we all know (my family and hers) that it did. So, what is the answer? Social media, changes in values and priorities, being sucked into the world and a lust for money and other peoples possessions, etc.? I’ll never know and I recently have accepted I never will, nor does it matter.

Here is what I have accepted. It’s all about self preservation and self interest. Like Adam Smith and the proverbial invisible hand, humans are all built the same way: we all look out for ourselves. Many just make that their only priority.

You can really beat yourself up with this stuff. Was I bad in the sack? Did I not make enough? Did she find my taste in restaurants and music to bee too mundane? Etc. But, none of it matters. What matters is actions and choices. Words and deeds. I said I do for life and I meant it. I was even willing to work on the marriage right up until I heard about man number three. I figured if there were that many, there were more and to do that to someone you allegedly love, well, I’m sure we all would say that there is just no fixing some situations. And the truth is: I know about four but there are likely more and, even so, what’s the difference. She made her choice and it wasn’t me.

I am angry at her, however, because my boys are caught in the middle. My two oldest know about three of the four. They will never have the same relationship with their mother again and I can see that something in them has died. She robbed everything from my sons and for that, I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive her, nevermind accept an answer I might get about why she has done the things she has done. The best I got from her one time is that she said because I wasn’t listening to her and really giving her the attention she needed, over time, something died in her. I think that’s her way of saying she is a nut job. Again, doesn’t really matter. This is life for far too many America men these days and I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon. Our society has demonized and attacked a traditional family for the last 50 years and I believe things like social media and feminism have stupefied an entire generation of women into thinking that they can do and be whoever they want, consequences be damned. But, while I may never forgive her, I know I’m called to do that. After all, ever knee will bow one day. It doesn’t matter about titles, bank accounts, houses, cars, vacations, etc. none of that matters. What matters is where my name is written and I’m praying it’s in the book of life. Because of that, I’m all in on raising my sons. I have women throwing themselves at me right now and I could care less. Something in me has also died and what’s left of me is for my sons. Good luck, my friend. And thank you for your post.

whoisgodiam · 2025-06-08T08:05:29+00:00

Get a fresh 20 year old, why do you still have the poverty mindset?

Heal-After-Hearbreak · 2025-06-08T07:49:42+00:00

It is okay to acknowledge that you are hurt by your ex being in a serious relationship. Be kind to yourself and validate that is real for you. The relationship dynamics have changed and it makes it real that she has officially moved on. Whatever hope or possibility for a future or reconciliation is closed. As much as you mentioned you don’t love or even like your ex, you might still be attached to them. Often it is hidden or subtle- you might not realize that you are still attached to her in some way (even negativity keeps us attached). A lot of times, people don’t properly grieve their relationships- even if they think they have because time has passed. To me it sounds like you haven’t fully accepted and come to terms with the divorce because, you are reliving the trauma, not forgiving her for hurting your daughter (you blame her for leaving) and still don’t know the reason she left. You are exactly right if you truly healed- the pain of the circumstances of marriage ending wouldn’t come up and it wouldn’t create negative feelings now that she is in another relationship. As you mentioned you might feel indifferent, or even neutral about it. Having said that, it makes sense that with this new relationship that you would feel hurt. It sounds like another part needs to be healed. You might be getting to a deeper part of your healing, even if it’s been over 11 years. Time is truly an illusion- people can stay stuck for years and not properly heal the grief. I hope this helps to get a little clarity.

Fawn001 · 2025-06-08T07:18:07+00:00

The daddy dont go phrase was a tear jerker. For me, my most important values were on being a good father and husband. My divorce up end my values, my sense of worth and wat i thought a successful life looked like (ie married, kids, house in burbs n bbqs). This was the greater loss and cause of struggle , than the marriage breaking down. Maybe time helps but i think i need to reconfigure my values and wat a successful n happy life looks like as a single dad. Just my afternoon rant that might help

Comfortable-Might240 · 2025-06-08T06:29:49+00:00

Never discount the possibility that you were too good for her, she realized that, and its all her way of coping with this reality and her observations towards the future about it. When a woman won't talk about it or give you closure, that unlikely possibility starts getting power. I think many guys here are too hard on themselves and think the worst, when the reality is quite different. Some loser had kids with you, but is so amoral they can't be bothered to explain why they blew up your family? Yeah, I'm sure the reason is: "they found someone better or think they can find someone better", they're just not telling you to spare your feelings, and the reason is definitely not something else more pathetic and underhanded /s because theyve proven they really care about your feelings and respect

MiloGoesToPorridge · 2025-06-08T04:28:04+00:00

Although you have no feelings for her, it hurts because you didn't get that closure- you'll likely never get it. Closure comes from within, I learned that one.

If she's never given you an explanation, it's because maybe she thought the real answer would hurt you.

Let go of it. And don't let the trauma of what she put you through colour how you conduct yourself and interact in any relationship you end up in.

Not all women are awful.

HistoricalRich280 · 2025-06-08T04:18:37+00:00

It’s just twisting the knife of the loss of the whole family you wanted. A certain kind of life. That’s the loss, not the individual person.

Title	Still hurts, wth?
Author	Big-Candidate3238
Upvotes	46
Comments	74
Date	June 8, 2025 4:07 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1l63b4v/still_hurts_wth/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/still-hurts-wth.1554207 https://theredarchive.com/post/1554207

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