I have a fear of being settled for or being the “safe” choice

Miserable_Yam4778 · 2025-08-02T19:35:17+00:00

There is a simple solution to this conundrum that none of the RP fellas ever seem to really grasp. If you want women to see you as exciting, be exciting. And that doesn't mean be some cartoon stereotype bad boy running dread game.

Be spontaneous. Be open to change. Be curious. Be adventurous. Create a life that's fun and then invite women into said fun. And do things that you enjoy, not performative nonsense you think will get attention.

watsonyrmind · 2025-08-02T23:16:09+00:00

I'll say it again: women do not need to settle. Their priorities change, and they still have options for the type of guy that meets their new priorities.

I'm 35, I have more options now than I had when I was younger, and it's actually for a similar reason that you are worried about. Just as women who were more promiscuous or non-commital when younger (those labelled as pursuing "bad boys") change priorities, so too do the men who those women were interested in. So now men who I wouldn't have looked twice at and who wouldn't have looked twice at me are more aligned in terms of lifestyle choices. It's not about being unattractive to each other before, it's about being in different dating pools.

If a woman was not attracted to you when she was in her 20s, she will not suddenly compromise attraction for stability. She doesn't need to. All it means is you were each looking for something different before and didn't cross paths as a result. The red pill idea that women over 30 are dried up and desperate to settle for a beta bucks is made up to keep insecure men from escaping the red pill. If you believe what they are peddling, they will continuously feed you reasons never to trust or love women so you will stay single.

WWhiMM · 2025-08-03T03:33:16+00:00

Have you ever had a friend who turned out to be a real piece of shit? And then you start to pick up on those shitty personality traits in other people, and it turns you off them?
It shouldn't be so hard to relate to someone who has, over time, learned to avoid certain types of people.

Also...
you gotta grieve your youth and move on. Yeah, it sucked and other kids were having more fun than you. That's true, it happened, and it's never going to change, because it's over and done with. You have to make choices based on the current situation. What do you want out of life right now, going forward?

Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj · 2025-08-02T21:42:27+00:00

You fail at reading comprehension and true literacy. You are misunderstanding what that comment is saying. And honestly it feels a fairly willful misunderstanding. Settling would mean going for something less than what you really want.

The comment is clearly trying to explain that what people actually want can change, that some things might become more/and just important which only makes sense, since that essentially what maturing is.

You keep saying you don’t want someone who has had their “fun” with someone before like that means they can’t have fun with other people too. You can be safe and dependable and have exciting times and fun together. Sure when you’re a teen or young adult with no/less responsibilities then some of those things just aren’t something you may think as much about because they don’t come into play in young people’s life as much.

How can young people even really know what they want out of real life, they’re still in the process of figuring it out and even just finding out what life is. Hell plenty of people date people who turn out solid, stable, reliable, etc. but weren’t necessarily thinking of the fact because people may not even really realize what those really mean until adulting.

It is actual genuine desire. Women get just as wet, they’re just as turned on. They want the person just as much, even physically. Often the attraction and desire is even stronger because they have more of an idea who they are and what they want and someone that fits with that is a million times more of a turn on than awkward, fumbling, relationships where young people are still figuring basics of themself out.

It is genuine desire, you need to grow up. You’re older now but you have a very immature view of people. What is hot changes over time because people grow the fuck up and become more rounded overall.

It’s creepy as fuck to want someone with the mentality of a teenager once you are grown, teenagers are dumb as hell and don’t know what the fuck they are doing and who they are.

It’s not settling for less than what they wanted before, generally they actually want more.

You’re basically just ranting that you wish grown women still acted like teenagers who don’t know themselves. That’s very dehumanizing. They’re people just like guys and all people are supposed to grow up and mature. I suggest you work on the maturing part yourself.

ConsultJimMoriarty · 2025-08-03T04:06:27+00:00

That comment doesn’t say she’s settling at all. Where are you getting that from?

WknessTease · 2025-08-02T16:44:23+00:00

Why do you think stability and genuine desire are mutually exclusive?

xvszero · 2025-08-02T19:47:55+00:00

To me all that comment says is "what I found attractive changed over time" which is true for a lot of people. Some might even call it "maturing".

As a guy:

When I was a teenager my crushes were basically whoever I thought was the cutest.

In my 20s my crushes were more like oh wow, this girl is nerdy and into video games like me!

And in my 30s I finally started seeing things like shared ethics and life priorities as attractive. And that's when I met my wife, who I love so much and now we have been together over 15 years and still very much together...

And honestly sometimes I look back and think THANK FUCK I sucked at dating enough that my tastes matured before I chose a life partner. I think back on some of the women I was pursuing in my teens and twenties and oh my god they would have been so wrong for me...

GoAskAli · 2025-08-02T23:40:38+00:00

So then don't advertise that part of yourself. Get to know women, and let them get to know you over time.

Join your local community theater, or a film club, take a cooking class, etc. Find hobbies that you're interested in and engage in them and you will find "like minded" women. It may feel awkward at first. It may even be awkward at first but you will refine your social skills.

FellasImSorry · 2025-08-02T17:16:11+00:00

You’d rather be the person someone outgrows?

overandunderX · 2025-08-02T19:04:16+00:00

So you’d rather be with someone who sees you as a temporary means of excitement rather than a loving life partner?

That’s some strange logic

Big-Comparison-6663 · 2025-08-03T14:40:40+00:00

Agreed with the top comment about being exciting. You should bumble around (pun not intended) and figure out how to be “exciting” and have carefree fun before settling down.

Also agreed with the person who said women are just as excited sexually for their stable guy as they were for the carefree flings. A major area where I disagree with the RP sentiment.

BUT You are not some terrible person for needing to have that period for yourself before getting into a stable relationship.

You are also not a failure for living that period at 28, early, or even mid 30s. Plenty of guys don’t figure out how to be “fun”, “exciting” or hot before that or have the time and money to realize that lifestyle.

If you stay in shape physically and financially you have time. But you in particular need that fun dating experience before settling down.

No-Ad8127 · 2025-08-03T10:32:44+00:00

If you keep thinking like this, you will be settled for.

Personal_Dirt3089 · 2025-08-04T02:54:05+00:00

I am past my 20s and I can tell you this: What you want from a partner later in life is not the same as what you wanted at 25. There is a point when you want someone you can have a chill life with, and not constantly e chasing parties and excitement. You want someone that you assume is not currently hungover.

IndicationForeign894 · 2025-08-04T07:17:32+00:00

I think what the original commenter is describing is more like this fantasy of a romance that is often portrayed in teen films, shows and books that is at its core rooted in rebelling rather than the attractiveness of the guy. Like you know going with the attractive kind of a red flag guy is not exciting because the guy is conventionally attractive but because you're doing something that is probably not the smartest idea and kind of like breaking a rule. Its just rebelling and really doesnt have THAT much to do with the guy themselves. And then after growing out of the rebellious phase the whole fantasy just becomes kind of cringe lmao. This is not to say that thats what all women do or want or fantasize about, it is just the vibe that I got from the comment and is purely based on my interpretation as she doesn't provide a lot of context for what she actually means by "hot and exciting".

Being dependable and stable are qualities that are non-negotiable for long term relationships, why would you not be proud of having those or being chosen based on your true character rather than your exterior? I get that feeling desired and attractive is important and feels really good, but I think attraction to people is super complex and different to each person. Personally I can find lots of people super hot but if their personality is not as attractive the looks are a zero to me. So even if I thought you look so hot but then after speaking to you I don't think you're stable I would just leave. On the flipside when I see guys being dependable its like the hottest thing ever. For example being kind to service workers, having good manners is suuuuuper hot. I think attraction for women is so much more than just looks (source: vibes). Looking at conventionally attractive men does nothing to me, which is why I ditched dating apps pretty quick. I personally need to see how people go about in the world, their mannerism, the way they speak and what words they choose to actually start to form any sort of attraction (sexual or romantic). In my experience its the same for many women but there are probably women who can be attracted to looks only aswell.

Being dependable, trustworthy and safe are qualities just ashot and exciting are. And just like the commenter said they are not boring qualities at all! It sounds to me like in your mind you have a hierarchy of these qualities where being hot and exciting is above being dependable trustworthy and safe. I would encourage you to implore where that comes from and also what that means for your future relationships. Will you be prioritizing hot and exciting women over safe, dependable and trustworthy? That might leave YOU hurt in the long run. :(

Also I fear this insecurity of "being settled for" and not being "hot and exciting" is not going to be solved by a woman thinking you're super hot and sexy. It will feel good for a bit but as long as you have that innate insecurity it will resurface. I do think this whole wording of "being settled for" is oozing some self-hatred. Why would you ever think of yourself as something to just settle for?

I think you can definitely get over this fear and learn to be confident in yourself inside and out it just requires some thinking work to be done!! good luck!

RekklesEuGoat · 2025-08-03T17:16:58+00:00

Its a valid fear to have for someone who hasnt had much success at 28. You are approaching a point where men like us do get settled down for a lot unfortunately.

You can still protect yourself and try to not end up in those marriages

savvvie · 2025-08-05T07:57:07+00:00

You need to ask yourself exactly why it’s so bad to be safe and dependable. You also need to challenge why you view women wanting partnership as a sole exchange (either for hotness or stability). This is black and white thinking that won’t land you in a healthy relationship.

mynameisburner · 2025-08-03T06:22:27+00:00

I would be careful with the advice you’re being handed with the comments here, OP. Take them with a grain of salt because they are coming off a bit guilt trippy and practically shaming you for what you want.

DisastrousActivity13 · 2025-08-03T00:52:12+00:00

M Kkkkkk

2025-08-04T22:26:01+00:00

Absolutely valid to feel that way imo, they didn't want you when you were younger but now you might be fit to be someones meal ticket.

Title	I have a fear of being settled for or being the “safe” choice
Author	Desperate-Exit7423
Upvotes	30
Comments	108
Date	August 2, 2025 3:52 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1mftwif/i_have_a_fear_of_being_settled_for_or_being_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/i-have-a-fear-of-being-settled-for-or-being-the.1558736 https://theredarchive.com/post/1558736

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