Less than a man

fixingmedaybyday · 2025-10-17T16:09:54+00:00

Imagine if you heard a woman say "It's all my fault. I worked and took care of the kids and the house and the meals and I should have done more because he left me because he had was tired of having to work 2 jobs to keep up with his expenses and I should have done more." You'd probably tell her that sounds like abuse.

It's a total mind-fuck going through this man. You are definitely not the problem. But I empathize with you bro, because I've been there myself. You'll always wonder why you weren't enough for her, when in reality, nothing was and nothing ever will be enough for her. But her want is her's, and nobody else's fault nor responsibility.

And in regards to your specific situation, if she was so awesome at working, why wasn't she able to consolidate down to 1 high paying job instead? Sounds like she's pissed at you for not being successful herself. Again, not your fault, but she's projected it on you, and you being the caring loving partner try your best to take on her burdens and when it doesn't work out, you double-down and blame yourself. Even though it's not your fault. She's the one choosing this. She's the one taking advantage of your taking care of the household. Just remember, it's not your fault.

Could you have done things differently? Absolutely. Could she? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, a loving partner would sit with you, talk through things with you and you'd come up with a plan to fight this thing you're dealing with together. Instead, she's pulling the plug and doing her thing.

Look at it this way. It's like climbing a mountain with a partner, and you both made a big plan to climb it together. Then, along the way, they quit. Sure, they might have been complaining about conditions or being tired or cold along the way.. Or maybe they stayed silent the whole time and then just suddenly went their own way. Or, maybe they're cold and they'd rather strip you naked, take your gear and leave you on the side of the mountain to fend for yourself just to warm themselves up. Or maybe even worse, they try to push you over a cliff because they've had enough of this damn mountain. Regardless, that's your partner - the person who was supposed to help you get to that mountain top that you built your whole life around to climb. You chose them and they chose you to do it together. And for them to quit on you like that. Yeah, it's bullshit. But it's not your fault. Unless of course you were being a total dick along the way. But I doubt you were. Dickish? All humans are, but were you being a total dick along the way? I highly doubt that.

Confident-Run-645 · 2025-10-16T22:53:47+00:00

Yea ,.......

And if you had moved up with your current employer, begin working more hours, putting your nose to the grindstone working your fingers to the bone, her and the kids being in bed when you get home and leaving for work, being me mentally, emotionally and physically drained & exhausted?

She would STILL have left and wanted a divorce because yout a "Work-A-Holic" living to work instead of working to live!

Ark161 · 2025-10-15T19:31:49+00:00

" I was also the one staying home and watching our little one while I worked so she didn’t have to go to day care and add another cost. I should have been a better provider."

My guy, you were working AND watching the kid. How was that NOT going above and beyond. The cost of daycare alone could easily average out to another 250+ a week in expenses. It is easy to blame ourselves, because that is what wee have control over, but it sounds to me that she built up resentment and this is how she is justifying the divorce. Take inventory or what was actually done, not what she says.

parkinglot_thnksalot · 2025-10-15T14:22:01+00:00

I leveled up huge and it didn’t matter in the end. Even stepped up chores/kid stuff huge the last 2.5 years of our relationship. She was just dangling a carrot. Truth is she had a guy lined up who made more money and beat me in other attraction metrics. So no matter what I did, I was fucked

armyofchuckness · 2025-10-15T04:40:41+00:00

I don't have much to add that hasnt already been said, but I had a similar story to yours and i felt the same way early on. It's totally normal to feel like this, even if you know it's not really true. Juat keep moving forward and know it will get easier but it will take time. Make yourself do it even when it feels numb and meaningless. Keep showing up. For work. For your kids. For you. You'll get there. Give yourself some grace and some time. And when you reach the anger stage, and you will reach the anger stage, hold your tongue and think of your kids. My ex let some things slip and it cost her HUGE because it lit a fire in me. Don't light a fire. Calmly handle your business. Think if how what happens now will affect your kids' future, and when you want to lash out, remember that's exactly what she needs to feel justified in leaving you, and the best revenge (if you feel like you need it) is living well. You've been set free to start a new future. Make it a good one.

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-10-15T04:27:27+00:00

In the early days you are going to take all the blame. Then alternate to blaming it all on her. The truth is somewhere in between, AND usually a person (especially women) project their own guilt as blame upon the other person.

The question is what is she feeling guilty about? Is it just breaking the vows of not leaving or breaking the vows in another way. I know you don’t want to ask that. I know you can’t even fathom it, but usually the greater the blame, the greater the guilt, so therefore the greater the indiscretion.

Either way it’s not your fault. Remember that. It takes time to balance out. Hang in there, dude. You most certainly aren’t alone.

oanthonyknightx2 · 2025-10-15T02:50:14+00:00

Women feel like divorce is teaching men some bullshit lesson.

Here’s what I’ve learned: women have no accountability in our culture and even devout religious people can’t keep a fucking commitment.

UnknownUsername113 · 2025-10-15T02:23:35+00:00

Brother…don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s too much stuff on the internet telling men that if their wife leaves, it’s the man’s fault for not “being a man”. Don’t buy into that nonsense.

I’m going to be blunt… your wife hasn’t loved you like you loved her and it’s been going on longer than you know. It’s not the income. That’s just the easiest thing for her to tell you. It’s surface level nonsense. The real truth is that your wife doesn’t value you for anything other than a paycheck. This isn’t all women, but it’s your wife.

Let her go. Understand that she’s moved on and you were blindsided because she didn’t care about you like you care about her. Now that you KNOW that, it’s easier to spot all the reasons why you didn’t work as a couple. I can promise you it’s not just income and it’s not all on you.

kcinkcinlim · 2025-10-15T02:04:35+00:00

What kind of bills did you have that warranted three jobs between the two of you? And who was the one contributing most to those bills?

OP, you did step up as a man. You were the primary caregiver. Your worth is not tied to your earning power. It's tied to who you are as a person.

Particular_Car7127 · 2025-10-15T01:42:05+00:00

Your kid is what matters, and you being there is where you need to hold your head up high. Yeah, she's resentful, but let her go, win custody, and be your kids everything.

IcyMycologist4837 · 2025-10-15T00:45:38+00:00

Role reversal in that many woman stay home while the man supports the family only to find years later that his usefulness is no longer do she files for divorce and he becomes an indentured servant by order of the courts. Sounds like she is playing a guilt trip on you. Don’t bite. If she loved you , communication and a plan to address the situation would be the answer and not divorce. She seems to give up and not considering you and your kid. There are other solutions besides divorce if you both wanted to make it work. Sry

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-10-15T00:13:39+00:00

It wasn't the money. That was just the straw that broke the camels back.

You stopped giving her feels. If you continue to date your wife she'll stick by your side thru anything. If all you focus on is finances and your kids the romantic relationship will die.....you have to put the romantic relationship first above all else.

Providing means taking care of her emotional needs, it does not mean paying the bills.

One_Mathematician864 · 2025-10-15T00:09:51+00:00

That's the excuse she gave you. Don't believe it. They always have to find something to blame on you because they can never be a villain in their story. They are saints in their minds.

Women cheat with bums with no jobs all the time who don't buy them gifts, or take them on dates or vacations or anything.

Hell mine helped her boyfriend find 2 jobs. He didn't spend more than $10 on her while she was always mad that I never bought her gifts or never took her on vacations or took her on dates (even though I did all those things).

She left, say thank you and count your blessings. She's a Fairweather wife. Upgrade and go make that money.

Specific_Mountain716 · 2025-10-15T00:03:37+00:00

Finances are top 3 reasons for divorces, next to loss of respect/attraction/ sex and or cheating

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2025-10-14T22:21:43+00:00

At least she told you she loves money more than you, and that her love was conditional upon how much money you make. Quid pro quo love is fake af and doesn't work.

The crazy thing is that she's lying. She's just envious of your lifestyle and figures if she has to work two jobs, why shouldn't you? Women also believe their money is all theirs and your money is hers too so it is an inability to share thing, which is another relationship killer. More proof she is lying is that a divorce makes financial obligations twice as difficult because now there is half the income to work with and additional expenses of maintaining two households now.

It sounds like she'll be on the hook for child support, maybe even alimony. Talk about a poor financial decision! WTAF is she thinking? That she's going to come out of this in a superior financial situation? Delusional. Child care costs are going to be another expense, along with losing half of your labor around the house and childcare.

She's going to have less time, far less money, and way more stress going forward as a single mom paying child support and maybe even alimony.

She's also going to be miserable.

aquatone61 · 2025-10-14T22:13:52+00:00

I initiated my divorce and yeah I wonder sometimes if I did the right thing. Wonder if I had known she was pregnant with our second kid if I would chosen differently. Probably not but I still wonder.

Emotional-Change-722 · 2025-10-14T22:12:59+00:00

Woman here. She’s casting stones. Don’t fall for it. You saved your family a ton of money. She’ll find out.

MonarchistExtreme · 2025-10-14T21:58:03+00:00

bro...folks can get by if they choose to....she was chasing materialism sounds like...no matter how much money you throw into that furnace it just requires more.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2025-10-14T21:53:58+00:00

A lot of providers on this sub, this wouldn't have saved your marriage. I was both "working too much or working too little" all in a span of a single year. It's probably just an excuse that she knew it would stick with you.

BathAutomatic6972 · 2025-10-14T21:50:56+00:00

This is the dark side of patriarchy—the expectation that men will "step up," and if they don’t, they're denied security. And you were a primary child carer, and that labor wasn't respected. If the roles were reversed, we'd know how that would go.

Focus on getting right with your internal security, attunement, making connections that are important, loving yourself and your children, and the rest will come along.

Honestly, and I hope you see it, you're going to be better off.

arisen_sumo243 · 2025-10-14T21:41:28+00:00

Providing is really hard, man. You have to be able to afford a 1 bedroom apartment and normal person amenities for yourself as a base/ bare minimum. If you can't afford your own way and need a partner/ room mate, then it's best to assume that you're younger making less than 15k per month or you're older - but climbing the ladder isnt happening, so you just gotta earn what you can.. retirement isnt happening - paycheck to paycheck is all minimum wage can afford... Poverty level income. Try looking into temp work with temp agencies. Look for manufacturing jobs, production lines, factory work is always a great career opportunity with better paying entry level positions. Dont work retail or with people, work for private companies 🤔

I started as a robot operator no experience at $19 per hour 12 hour shifts mandatory over time. It changes everything when you suddenly earn closer to 2k per month.

I stuck with injection molding, climbed the ladder, 10 years later all my mentors are retired and now im a department manager earning 28 something per hour and all the over time I want. 3k every 2 weeks. Im 34 and started at the bottom level 10 years ago. I wish you all the best

Boglehead101 · 2025-10-14T21:40:44+00:00

She sounds like a tough one. Did she address this before she pressed the eject button. If not you’ve being spun a line. Even if she did it seems unreasonable.

You’re better off away from her.

Title	Less than a man
Author	Brokenheartlogic
Upvotes	12
Comments	46
Date	October 14, 2025 9:32 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1o6shfu/less_than_a_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/less-than-a-man.1564133 https://theredarchive.com/post/1564133

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