How do you deal with the pain?

Various_Exam9438 · 2026-03-12T04:32:52+00:00

Hey man, same here. It’s gut wrenching and I’m so lost about it. You have to keep a cool face around her though. Vent and pour to anyone you can trust or even as a stranger to other strangers (like here), but not her, not right now. It sucks and you gotta accept the end or at least act like it. Def easier said than done but I’m trying. It’s been close to a month since she brought up divorce now. Some days are easier and some harder.

Chemical-Eye-1828 · 2026-03-12T02:20:49+00:00

It’s not over. But the road to reconciliation is long and difficult depending upon how far gone your marriage is. Firstly use this time wisely. Self reflection will help you discover your role in this marital situation. You changed and so she changed. I’m certain that if you take responsibility for your mistakes and own your shortcomings as a husband you will find a path forward. If you sincerely strive to become your best self no matter the outcome of your relationship then you will be amazed at how fantastically things can change for the better. Stay positive do the work. Find out what needs of your wife’s that you’re not meeting and work on fixing them asap. It’s not impossible for you to right this ship.

Best of luck

taylorroland · 2026-03-11T21:41:21+00:00

20 years for me too. I’m slowly accepting that she had checked out 6+ years ago; that her low energy & depression were signs she was processing her emotional withdrawal (and maybe a little guilt?), not menopause or work or other things she attributed it to; that she was not in fact my best friend, or even someone who had my interest at heart; that i’ve lost respect for her for treating me so shabbily, and especially for harming our kids by blowing up their family. Unforgivably selfish.

asifmahmud25 · 2026-03-11T17:54:44+00:00

Man up. Mentally she left you a long time ago. You're just knowing about it now. Focus on your self improvement. Workout to kill depression.

manyaktalaga · 2026-03-11T16:38:08+00:00

Be around family, friends, counseling or therapy and even your religious belief. Stay strong and think positive. I'm on my 2nd week after 15 years of marriage.

Clear-Sail-5298 · 2026-03-11T14:38:40+00:00

I fine the most solace in physical activity - lifting weights, running, sports, aggressive skating, you name it- it’s hard for the inner demons to catch up when you’re moving fast enough

gratefulstudent76 · 2026-03-11T14:25:19+00:00

I’m so sorry. My ex and I divorced a year ago after 20+ years. It was so hard to lose my best friend.
Unfortunately, some of this is basically like a really bad flu, you will just have to suffer through it. And then you’ll start to feel better and another wave of hurt will come back. But it eventually gets easier. Less waves. Less intense.
You really will get through this. It will take a while but you have so much life ahead of you. You will get through it.

FirelineJake · 2026-03-11T12:29:37+00:00

3 days in is the absolute bottom of the pit, please call someone or a friend, not because it gets better immediately, but because you deserve to still be here when it does.

TheConjugalVisit · 2026-03-11T11:56:08+00:00

Time, people, hobbies,, nature, weights.

JESUS CHRIST and church.

Jesus has been my best friend through this.

Praise His holy name! INRI (King of the Jews)

May I be worthy my Father, when I stand before Your light. during judgement. May my sins be forgiven and my love for You outweigh them.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-11T11:05:11+00:00

As many throughout this group will say, the person who asked you for a divorce is not the same person you married. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with but you must. You can accept that and still love her as a fellow traveler for a long stretch of your life, but she’s letting you know that now is the time where your paths take different directions. You have much open road, filled with possibility you can’t even imagine laying ahead of you. I say it’s better to walk it willingly than to stop here and accept such a hurtful time as the culmination of your story. Talk about the struggle you’re facing in this moment. Journal about it. In a year you’ll reread those things and find you’ve kept walking without knowing it. In five years you’ll reread them and feel proud that you chose to keep walking. In ten years you’ll reread them and recognize your marriage for what it was and the divorce as the gift that it is. This is a dark moment but it will pass.

Maleficent_Grab3354 · 2026-03-11T08:55:19+00:00

Think of the many other things in life that are 10x more painful. Yours will begin to add shrink.

xmarksthespot34 · 2026-03-11T06:58:36+00:00

I'm sure it hurts, but it is not worth it man. 20 years is rough. She didn't love you anymore and you have to realize that. Things don't always work out and moving on from 20 years is definitely hard, but not impossible. Remember that the person you are crying for is not someone who loved you, appreciated you, and isn't worth you harming yourself or others. Look, i'm on the other side of this and I'll tell you that what she did is the best thing that happened to you. Your relationship was not meant to be and you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

Tvelt17 · 2026-03-11T02:27:52+00:00

Your perception wasn't reality. The first few days feel like walking through a flasbang grenade.

Time will reveal and heal the wounds. Do the work. Go to therapy. Grey rock her.

Solo_job · 2026-03-11T02:03:52+00:00

One day at a time, brother. Don't let her win by ending your life. She is ONE out of 4.5 BILLION women on this planet. She isn't special. Work on yourself, get some guy friends, take a class, go to the gym, anything to get your mind off her. I get it, I truly do. I called the national crisis hotline when I found out my wife was going to divorce me. I wanted to run myself off the road into oncoming traffic; I even took my seat belt off.

What saved me was knowing this, too, will pass. I'm still madly in love with her, but I know what I'm in love with is a memory of a person no longer there. The woman you moron for, that's a memory as well. Don't end your lie. Don't become a ghost for a ghost. She's another woman in your wife's body. The woman you married would have never lied or cheated on you; The new person did.

Show your wife that you don't need her. Get up, her loss. Get out there and be the man you once were, king. The confident SOB that doesn't need a woman, but will have one as long as she puts in the effort.

HorrorWorldly3749 · 2026-03-11T01:25:10+00:00

Cope with drugs, just don't overdo it

StillMaterial5215 · 2026-03-11T01:05:33+00:00

I found out about an affair a week ago. I went through 3 days of hell. Now I’m literally grieving the life I had, the future I wanted, my daughters and the life I built. But I have very quickly emotionally detached from the wife. I keep everything with her about the girls.

It so early in the process but I actually think I’m being really healthy. Getting therapy, working out, being with my girls, going to work. So much so that Im able to grieve and detach myself emotionally from her in real time. And to be honest, it’s pissing her off. Not that I am looking to reconcile. But I made a plan, and that plan is indifference.

Ok_Builder_3285 · 2026-03-11T01:05:31+00:00

It never gets better. You just have to come to accept that it doesn’t matter because you don’t matter. We are the human garbage that’s been thrown away, so nothing that happens to us matters.

Unsainted_smoke · 2026-03-11T00:36:24+00:00

I’ve been there mate. And all I can say is it does get better. You need to surround yourself with good friends and get as much support as you can. You don’t want to die, you just want the pain to die. Please DM me if you need someone to talk to

Specialist-Mark-2304 · 2026-03-11T00:32:00+00:00

It is a death. You’re not wrong in mourning it as such. That’s why the pain is there. And yea it gets easier .. but it’s going to be really hard to see that it can. I hate to say it, it may get worse before it gets better. Focus on your fitness, finance. It’s so hard - we’ve all been there and all our situations are unique.

UrAristotle · 2026-03-11T00:29:45+00:00

I posted this a few weeks ago.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/YSMnw7POnF

The pain is going to come and go. Next week is 2 years since she told me she wanted a divorce, and I still have so many unanswered questions.

Your response is to focus on you right now. If your kids are still at home, be the best dad you can be for them. Stay fit or get fit. Build a routine. Revive your hobbies.

wcdan · 2026-03-10T23:13:08+00:00

You deal with it by remembering that life is change. Nothing lasts. Not the marriage and not your pain.

I'm two years ahead of you and there was a lot that sucked. But at some point there was more good than bad. Now there is still occasional bad. But mostly, life is whatever I want to make it (within reason!).

Expensive_Sock_9902 · 2026-03-10T22:47:56+00:00

I wont lie man, gonna be rough for a few months with regret and rumination, but once that runs its course and your mind settles down you will be able to focus on what ahead of you and start feeling like yourself again. Itll be baby steps, but you'll get there.

Focus on eating healthy and sleeping well first. The basics. Then be active, get outside for a walk or a jog, especially before bedtime to help you crash.

Im at 6.5 months out. Mostly normal day to day, but i still spend a lot of time thinking about it, and my old hobbies dont seem so important anymore. One day they might return, who knows. For now I've been leaning into getting fit and keeping busy getting the house ready for sale (pretty much done now). Also need to find a new job as my ex and i work in the same building...

I have my 3.5yo daughter 50/50, so i have her to focus on every other night which really helps.

Good luck man, keep moving forward, you can do this 💪

WhydIJoinRedditAgain · 2026-03-10T22:27:06+00:00

We’ve all been there and what the other guys are saying is right on. You’ll likely also be very angry sometimes.

It is really important to have people you can call and talk to honestly. You’re going to need to get things off you chest that you can’t say to you soon-to-be-ex or anyone you don’t trust, things you might not mean but need to say.

Find some other men you can talk to, reconnect, work on your friendships. It’s a lifesaver.

sveltecheese · 2026-03-10T21:46:41+00:00

So it sucks. And it will go away and come back. But there is a pretty good chance you will look back and see how unhappy you were and how happy you are after. I am out of work, sitting in a shitty apartment and still feel so much better about who I am.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-03-10T21:34:36+00:00

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Deal with the pain by sitting with it. Don't run or mask it unhealthily.
Start doing work on yourself to accept and to let go.
Remind yourself that nothing lasts forever and that this too shall pass.
We have all been where you are. We know its really hard.
Please don't deny yourself the opportunity of growth and learning by ending it.
Talk to a professional if you need to.

Got_any_lemonade · 2026-03-10T21:32:25+00:00

You do it day by day. The first six months is hell but after that it gets better. Don't supress your feelings but also spend a lot of time on hobbies so you can detach from the shitty situation.

Title	How do you deal with the pain?
Author	LarzTTV
Upvotes	31
Comments	37
Date	March 10, 2026 9:24 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1rqa0c5/how_do_you_deal_with_the_pain/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-deal-with-the-pain.1575193 https://theredarchive.com/post/1575193

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