Boyfriend says he never wants to get married??

LateralThinker13 · 2019-05-06T13:19:01+00:00

I just don't understand why marriage is entirely off the table all of a sudden.

Someone he knows or has encountered got burned. He got some red pill exposure and it scared him. Talk to him about his fears and concerns; ask him where this is coming from. Find out what he's truly afraid of.

Then, if you love and trust him, ask him if he'd change his mind if you put all the things he's afraid of into a prenup and signed it.

Until you know what's motivating him, you can't respond to it effectively.

That said... you've both been dating all of your adult lives (18-21). You're very young. It is unfortunately possible that he's now feeling the need to not settle down, and he's looking for an escape hatch so he can play the field, see what's out there. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or enjoy being with you; but many people (male and female both) can feel trapped and like they "never got to enjoy their youth" when they talk about marrying young, or even just having a serious LTR.

ItWasBrokenAlready · 2019-05-06T13:13:53+00:00

Do you want to have children?
If so, do you want to have children out of wedlock?

It's a potential & very reasonable dealbreaker.

Also, it may be the case he's not looking for someone to start a family (with our without children) yet. High likelihood of getting along fine for next 5-6 years, then just 'growing apart' & breakup (bye bye, starterpack-serious -girlfriend), and then magically 1-2 years later, he meets someone and marries with kids within two years.

TheBunk_TB · 2019-05-06T13:50:19+00:00

Would you honor the idea of a "spiritual marriage" (with a ceremony and agreement) that is without the license/legal baggage?

(The same type that Anthony Johnson had with his redhead "Medusa").

teaandtalk · 2019-05-06T10:12:08+00:00

That is a tough one.

I think he's reasonable not to want marriage.

I think you're reasonable to want marriage.

Is marriage a dealbreaker for you?

Hopefully, you can find some middle ground. You're both young, and a lot will change in the next few years, so I don't think it's a dealbreaker...but if you have to put your life on hold for him to finish uni, AND he's still unwilling to marry, then you may need to reconsider how well he fits into your life.

PS: when fathers actively ASK for custody during a separation, they get it more than 50% of the time.. Aside from this, something like 96% of 'custody battles' are resolved by the parents with no court interference. Feel free to let him know that if he's spouting that the system is against men wrt custody.

I_ysk · 2019-05-06T12:39:23+00:00

What's your stance on a prenup?

FrankieLeeG · 2019-05-06T15:05:29+00:00

I hate to sound harsh, but no Red Pill man allows his girlfriend to financially support him through his education and then refuses to marry. No Red Pill woman settles with a man who is happy to take her money without making a lifelong commitment.

You support a man as an investment to both your futures, not so he can have an easy life whilst simultaneously bleating that women are charlatans who steal men’s money.

PilotBass · 2019-05-06T11:34:22+00:00

Well, he has apparently educated himself and looked into the risks. Maybe he swallowed the red pill and decided (for now) that it is too risky. And he is right. When you are 21 you still have no idea what you want. Girls want to ride the CC and guys want to be the CC for a while, biologically. Maybe he knows what I wish I knew at that age, that people change throughout their 20's, and when you do, you could in 10 years get bored with him and change your mind, then when there is a young kid, your income went down because of child rearing and his career has started taking off, he is risking a lot.

You're 21. If I have to do it over again, I would wait until AT LEAST 25. And maybe look further into where he is coming from. If you are truly a unicorn that would make sure you would never let him be screwed like that, then compromise and sign a prenup.

lovlorn · 2019-05-06T21:11:27+00:00

The majority of downsides of divorce only apply when the man makes more. I don't know what your future careers are, but right now you're the breadwinner. There is a strong anti-marriage sentiment in the RP sphere, even here in RPW, so don't let other commenters make you feel "unreasonable". Ultimately, you have to decide how important a legal marriage is to you. If you decide it is, you have plenty of time and options ahead of you.

Willow-girl · 2019-05-07T12:10:05+00:00

If you want to be married someday, this isn't the man for you, and any more time and effort you put into this relationship ultimately will be wasted.

If you'r not concerned about "making it legal," or it's negotiable to you, hey no problem!

Up to you to decide whether the compromise is acceptable.

sweetcatpiss · 2019-05-06T15:29:05+00:00

What really hurts is the fact that (he thinks) you guys will end up separating anyway, so why bother.

People get married because they want to stay together, be a team for life, and so they cement that with a marriage contract.

It doesn't mean that people who get married in fact end up staying together...its people who get married and put work into their marriage that do.

ApuAllAlone · 2019-05-07T03:25:14+00:00

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years now. We are still very young (21)

Is he your first?

I ask because if he is, you could use the data on partner count and divorce rate to try and convince him that you aren't high risk.

example 1: http://s3.amazonaws.com/thf_media/2003/pdf/Bookofcharts.pdf (chart 15)

example 2: https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability

Older_Miggy · 2019-05-11T04:48:12+00:00

It has nothing to do with trust. It has everything to do with reality.

Everybody serious relationship is based on trust. Everybody starts out trusting their partner. Things change, people change, shit happens. And an overwhelming high percentage of divorces are initiated by women.

There's almost no benefit to men getting married anymore. It's almost all down side. Your boyfriend is starting to realize this. If that legal piece of paper is that important to you, then you might have to rethink this relationship.

You're both too young to be having a serious significant other to begin with.

durtyknees · 2019-05-06T11:33:25+00:00

For anything in life that has any significant value, you have paperwork for it.

If he doesn't want to get married through the state, then he should be open to other ways to provide legal benefits for your relationship to address things like your rights during an emergency (getting married is the easier way to accomplish this, but there are other options for those who don't want government involvement).

If you have any intention of building a life together, and especially if you want kids, you will need legal benefits/protection.

If a man can't understand the importance of this, you're better off not investing your best years on him. At 21, you're at the prime of your attractiveness, and the odds are more in your favor to attract someone of higher value.

Mrsdee1 · 2019-05-06T18:00:44+00:00

If your guy says he doesn’t want to get married.... he is actually saying - you are not who I am going to marry. He is being straight and honest with you. It is up to you to decide if you are ok with that.

It is simple. Don’t over complicate things. Stay with him if you want but make sure it aligns with your goals. So far it doesn’t look that way.

TheLemming · 2019-05-06T18:30:19+00:00

You guys are still very young and from your descriptions, it seems like you are placing a lot of weight on things that at age 30 seem to have no weight at all. His arguments hold a lot more water these days. If you two did get married, the whole thing about when each of you graduate and who has a job will most likely be a distant memory. Financial situations shift, and if they ever did shift, his argument would hold more water. I think you're focusing too much on the current situation and not looking at it from a larger perspective.

trianglegle · 2019-05-06T21:08:20+00:00

> Furthermore, he already knows I support men's rights just as much as all the other rights and I'm more than capable of taking care of myself.

That's completely irrelevant. All couples live in a rainbow world until things get sour. And from then on the only thing that really matters is how much are you legally protected or not.

upbeatway · 2019-05-06T17:03:31+00:00

Offer him a pre-nup perhaps?

est-la-lune · 2019-05-06T14:36:12+00:00

Maybe he read something that struck a chord for him. Or he had a conversation with someone who sees things from another perspective.

The idea that "men's lives are ruined by divorce" is nihilistic even though it contains a grain of truth. Marriage is important to a lot of people, who aren't perfect but want to make things work for better or worse. And here is one encouraging article: https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-09-25/millennials-are-causing-the-u-s-divorce-rate-to-plummet

“One of the reasons for the decline is that the married population is getting older and more highly educated,” Cohen said. Fewer people are getting married, and those who do are the sort of people who are least likely to get divorced, he said. “Marriage is more and more an achievement of status, rather than something that people do regardless of how they’re doing.”

Basically, people are waiting longer to get married, so when they do, they're less likely to get divorced later. This is encouraging, but it's just one article and also there are still a few problems:

Cohabiting relationships are unstable
Cohabiting relationships are less healthy for kids
If you want kids, postponing marriage can have consequences for your fertility
When people end up getting divorced the man does get the short end of the stick most of the time

My first piece of long-term relationship advice is always to go watch Daniel Sloss' skit Jigsaw on Netflix. If you still want to save the relationship, I think that you're within your right to have another conversation about your long-term goals and expectations. These should be ongoing dialogues because people change a lot.

Both of you are still young, and it's reasonable for him to have cold feet about marriage. But also, it's probably not going to happen anytime soon (and it seems like your best bet is if it doesn't).

Why did he have a change of heart? Are you willing to compromise and sign a prenup? Are you both consistently improving over time or have you stagnated? Have you guys weathered any serious issues together and grown together as a couple? Do you have shared values and outlook on life, or are you together because he was the best option at the time?

Not to dissuade you from marriage, because I think that should be your goal. But ask yourself, in crude terms: do I want the guy, do I want the paper, and how do I figure out if it's possible to have both?

kashmirkiikali · 2019-05-06T18:01:50+00:00

I...Don’t know what to say. you have devalued yourself so much in this relationship. If a man wants you he will “put a ring on it.” You are free milk. If a man wants quality, he has to buy the cow. You’re giving it to him for free. You’ve been dating him for years and yet he has not proposed, he doesn’t want you. These are not “modern values”, they aren’t values at all. Value yourself more and find someone better.

Bored_Schoolgirl · 2019-05-06T11:15:29+00:00

Truth is, he is afraid to commit. The things he said are just excuses. Someone on here quoted custody numbers for men. That should give you ground to research on his claim and settle with that assumption with a resolution once and for all

ManguZa · 2019-05-06T11:34:39+00:00

You just have to convince him that you're better from others.

Like, what did you answer when he said "men's lives are ruined by divorce"? If you plan to marry him you should have said : i'll never leave you ever, i choosed you to be my man for all my life.

If you aren't there, you actually got upset by some legitimate concern ! And it certainly won't help him to change his mind. Why would he consider marriage if you're not 100% commit first? Marriage aren't there to making a commitment but to express and symbolize an already existant commitment.

I would tend to think that the relationship may be amazing for you... but not for him as well.

Fridgemagnetman · 2019-05-06T12:39:51+00:00

One of the most important principles of the Red Pill for men is to never get married. Marriage offers men risk with no reward

Aro2220 · 2019-05-06T16:31:41+00:00

Marriage was important ...

But now it's just a gold digging scam. All oaths and commitments of any marriage is immediately null and void.

Except for alimony and child support...along with splitting assets.

When a woman can have an affair and then get a divorce and still qualify for half...it's a complete sham.

Worse than that, it's a con.

Your oaths are meaningless in marriage because our government has dismantled it.

You want traditional marriage..so do I. So do a lot of us. But it's dead.

Marriage today is not historical marriage. You have more obligation to cross the street at an official cross walk than you do any of the marriage vows you take.

So this is why I can't help but support your husband's perspective.

Unfortunately, this also means you cannot get any assurances from him, either.

People should never have allowed things to get to this point but now that they have you have to accept the reality.

If he married you, he is giving you a weapon that you, nor any person, has any right to wield.

joey2890 · 2019-05-06T22:37:21+00:00

So is it just marriage legally? Why don't y'all have a ceremony and what not with out the state being involved. Might be a workable solution. It doesn't sound like either of you want to screw each other over.

SmrtMouth1 · 2019-05-11T18:31:10+00:00

If you get where he's coming from, you wouldn't have made this post.

civilizedfrog · 2019-06-09T04:18:27+00:00

Tell him that you are ready to sign a prenup and/or postnup in front of a judge.

loneliness-inc · 2019-05-06T12:20:52+00:00

You're being unreasonable.

His concerns regarding marriage are very painfully true.
You provided zero reason to him why he should get married anyway.
You provided zero safeguards to him, to protect him from divorce rape.
He has a legitimate (statistically backed) concern regarding marriage, which he told you. You getting all pissy only intensifies his concerns.
Every couple who gets married thinks they won't be the ones to divorce. Yet, the divorce rate is somewhere around 50%. You gotta be practical and reasonable. He's being practical and reasonable, you're being emotional and unreasonable.
It's a fact that modern marriage is a shit deal for men. You have a fairytale idea of marriage (which is your right). You expect him to fulfill your fairytale. You're getting all pissy when he said he won't. This is unreasonable on your part. I know I made this point already, but it's worth repeating.
Regardless of anything mentioned above: he set a boundary, you need to respect it. Now it's up to you to decide what's more important, him or the marriage. You can't make him cross his boundaries. A few months back, u/girlwithabike mentioned that she chose her husband over marriage and ended up getting both. If you make this choice, you might end up with both as she did, but you might not.

All the best!

enamite · 2019-05-06T11:07:56+00:00

I really think it depends on what you have at stake. For me, I’m older and have a small income that I rely on to get by. I’d never leave it if I wasn’t married.

Also, I don’t feel any sense of loyalty to someone who can’t make a public declaration about me to friends and family. And they should feel the same about me, if I didn’t want to marry.

I tried dating a guy recently and as much as I loved spending time with him, I felt no loyalty or long term commitment to him.

I believe in tradition and family and roots. If my “partner” is so influenced by external factors and has no sacred bond with me, then were just dating, just like everyone else. I always move on.

I got divorced for under $3900CAD.

To say everyone is blood sucking and money hungry is beyond insulting. And if someone felt that I was capable of it, then they really don’t know me and should move on.

for-the-lols · 2019-05-06T11:03:47+00:00

While i understand the divorce rate is quite high these days (around 50% apparently), imo i think it’s concerning he is saying “men are disadvantaged by divorce. Why is he assuming your (hypothetical) marriage would end in divorce? Anyway, if it’s financial thing to him, you could get a pre-nup. If it’s about getting child-custody, another comment explained why divorce does not disadvantage men. There’s not much else that has to be divided in a divorce (that comes to mind). Just my thoughts.

Title	Boyfriend says he never wants to get married??
Author	anonymous_porpoise
Upvotes	46
Comments	109
Date	May 6, 2019 9:47 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/bla2xr/boyfriend_says_he_never_wants_to_get_married/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-says-he-never-wants-to-get-married.237363 https://theredarchive.com/post/237363

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