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I failed! LTR asks for permission to "have a coffee" with a fuckbuddy she used to date before. I didn't react well, how can I save this?

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i-ren
May 26, 2019
125 upvotes
askTRP

Decent girl, no signs of cheating, very clear and strict about exclusivety. Guy treated her like shit, sex pretty much sucked (so she says). Am not really worried about her cheating. Think she's a) looking for confirmation from that guy or b) trying to make me jealous, as we'd had some problems lately. So Friday night she asks me via WhatsApp if it was okay for me if she went out with him. I didn't react as I should have ("Please go"). Instead I told her it was quite obvious, what this guy's intentions were, as he never had any interest in her as a person. She said she only wanted to socialize etc, writing back and forth ensued... I failed, my brothers. She ends up stating how much she loves me. Last two days I barely answered her messages, she started sending me songs, pictures she'd drawn, all kind of love messages.

Will see her later today. How should I act? Shrug it off like nothing? It will be the pink Elefant in the room. How should I react, if she starts to talk about it?


Post Information
Title I failed! LTR asks for permission to "have a coffee" with a fuckbuddy she used to date before. I didn't react well, how can I save this?
Author i-ren
Upvotes 125
Comments 147
Date 26 May 2019 08:04 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/239767
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/btchob/i_failed_ltr_asks_for_permission_to_have_a_coffee/
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cheatinglong term relationship
Comments

[–]Subutai_Baghatur352 points353 points  (26 children) | Copy

Guy treated her like shit, sex pretty much sucked (so she says).

Either lying or downplaying.

Am not really worried about her cheating. Think she's a) looking for confirmation from that guy or b) trying to make me jealous, as we'd had some problems lately.

She’s meeting to either a) fuck, b) get closure on why he wouldn’t commit or c) fuck and get closure.

So Friday night she asks me via WhatsApp if it was okay for me if she went out with him. I didn't react as I should have ("Please go"). Instead I told her it was quite obvious, what this guy's intentions were, as he never had any interest in her as a person. She said she only wanted to socialize etc, writing back and forth ensued... I failed, my brothers.

As they’ve already been FWB, “Please go/an unaffected response” would’ve been the wrong thing to say. Even worse is mate guarding as you did and saying shit like he had no interest in her as a person - you know that’s not why she wants to meet.

You should’ve just said “Sure, you can go but I don’t stay in relationships with girls who go on dates with other guys.” When she come back with “it’s not a date/blah excuse” then simply say “okay, have fun” and leave. Either hard next or soft next with demotion to FWB without possibility of promotion.

She ends up stating how much she loves me. Last two days I barely answered her messages, she started sending me songs, pictures she'd drawn, all kind of love messages.

She’s probably feeling guilty about her actual reasons but certainly worried that she’ll lose you.

Will see her later today. How should I act? Shrug it off like nothing? It will be the pink Elefant in the room. How should I react, if she starts to talk about it?

I’d end exclusivity with her but if you’ll struggle with emotions then simply end it altogether. Just her wanting to meet this ex FWB while she’s your LTR is clear that he’s her alpha and no matter what you do from now on, you’ll never compare to him in her eyes. It’s no slight on you, it’s just the way her brain is wired now.

[–]Red_Pill_Brotherhood76 points77 points  (0 children) | Copy

Excellent post. OP listen to this guy.

[–]chanakya009 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

You people are Gods. Wish I had known of TRP when I was going crazy.

[–]ghosts_of_me19 points20 points  (1 child) | Copy

What I would give to have had trp from age 14

[–]Kp_GG2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Same. Would've saved me a million times..

[–]EvolvedVirus28 points29 points  (2 children) | Copy

I wanted to lighten up the mood... It is a positive that she has told you what was happening. In many cases, some girls will just say "oh I'm just meeting an old work colleague" or "oh it's nothing, just meeting up with a cousin..."

Don't be too hard on the girl... she's at least provided some honest value. Now you must set a boundary and say "I don't think you should meet with anyone. It's very disturbing that you would think it's OK to meet with an ex. But you do you and find out..." Vagueness is key.

Personally for me, I value loyalty and honor in the people I have relations with. And then I say that often too. I don't want to be with people who have no values.

[–]SteveStJohn3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

It is a positive that she has told you what was happening.

At best it is a shit test. Nothing good for OP comes from her communicating with an ex. The fact she even tried this shit is an indicator he has lost frame.

[–]EvolvedVirus2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Absolutely nothing good. It may not be a loss of anything, could just be random that the ex reached out and she suddenly had fond memories... basic bitch.

But yes it's possible he has made some mistakes along the way.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed, handle it better by ending it right now OP

[–]Nergaal5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

is clear that he’s her alpha and no matter what you do from now on, you’ll never compare to him in her eyes

I doubt any girl would try to make a point of "sex was bad" about an ex when she is not alpha-widdowed. If the guy is unimportant, it's not relevant to a girl to make sure the current guy "doesn't compare"

[–]Matthias_Foley351 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Solid. ✊

[–]HurricaneHugues-3 points-2 points  (13 children) | Copy

"You should’ve just said “Sure, you can go but I don’t stay in relationships with girls who go on dates with other guys.” "

Wrong! That's the dumbest shit to say. In fact, this is not time to be playing any sort of games or treating this as a shit test. The girl is garbage and you just have to shake her. If you have to tell her not to be a disrespectful little slut to yoh, you already lost. The fact that she had the guts to even consider it an option to go in a date with an ex fuck buddy while in a relationship with you means you already lost. Your words mean nothing to her. You're not changing her true desires, which is to go hangout with that guy and get fucked. You can't change her desires or who she is. All she's gonna do is pretend to be who you want her to be, while she's sneaking behind ur back.

The truth is if you really don't like having disrespectful slits as your gf, you wouldn't even tell her shit, you would just take the appropriate actions, and that's let her go thinking she's playing you, and then ghost her. Your words are of no importance, it's what you do. Don't talk about not tolerating shit like that, just don't tolerate it. Let her show you who she really is by her actions, and just proceed accordingly. Gf wants to go hangout with an old fuck buddy? Tell her "Why are u asking me for permission? You're an adult", then when she goes, you fucking ghost her. The bitch knows that what she's doing is not right, but still she must see how much of a cuck you are, so she brings it up. Do you think she would ask you for permission to go to the supermarket? Or to drink water? Or to call her mom? Or to go to a different school? No. She only asks you for permission to do shit she knows she shouldn't be doing, but she will still test to see how much she can get away with.

[–]if_i_could_trade 1 points [recovered]  (12 children) | Copy

Looking at your comment history (and this is just the first page):

No need to waste his time trying to explain to clever slut that going on a date with an ex fuck buddy while being in a relationship is breaking the fundamental rule of a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.

Man shut the fuck up. You're giving cuck advice. Please stop. The girl is garbage,

Stop trying to change these hoes into who they're not. Learn to dump these disrepectful hoes that u guys are poorly vetting in the first place.

You're offering cuck advice, making excuses for a little slit who wants to go on a date with an ex fuck buddy. Gtfoh here guy.

Let the slut go. Tell her "fine by me" and then ghost the bitch for life.

If she had the guts to even entertain the thought, guess what? She's trash and you need to ghost her.

Lmao cuck

I want you to understand here that I'm genuinely not highlighting this to attack you, and I have no ill will towards you... but the consistency of these speech patterns seems to indicate some persistent anger, possibly even to the point of obsessive thought patterns. (Your second page of comments seems much the same - women are trash, women are garbage, ghost the bitch, "faggotty ass social media bullshit", etc.)

This is not the path forward, and being a man with firm boundaries and values does not necessitate feeling so much hatred. It has to some from a place of stoicism, not vengeance, or you'll be a very unhappy person.

I hope this is of some use to you.

[–]20pastfour26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy

In this particular case i think he might be right though.

[–]Pork_Sword39 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

I mean if we take the hatred and inappropriate words out of this guys response, it’s really not bad advice.

[–]if_i_could_trade 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

I pretty much agree completely with his advice.

My concern for his anger and unhappiness have nothing to do with whether he's actually correct or not.

[–]Pork_Sword3 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

I agree it’s not our business nor should we care.

[–]1redhawkes-1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

Fuck that noise. How it makes you feel has no importance here, along with up/down votes.

This is ban worthy. You're attacking the person instead of his opinion - classic shaming tactic. You can see the alpha widow from the title, it's that easy.

He's right tho, too much noise from bloops who give 'advice' including you with the week old account. Feel good platitudes are only doing disservice. Lurk more, comment less.

[–]if_i_could_trade 1 points [recovered]  (4 children) | Copy

... I explicitly went out of my way to state I wasn't attacking him and had no ill will towards him. I actually agree that he should end the relationship, so I don't even disagree per se.

You're interpreting what you want to interpret from my comment, but it's not in the text, and it wasn't anywhere in my mental sphere when I made the comment. If you want to argue with a ghost, more power to you, but there's nothing there.

[–]BPasFuck1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree with u/Redhawkes. Your post is borderline one of the subtlest bits of tone policing I've seen recently. Even though you hasten to mollify the dude with comments about not attacking him, it still boils down to "Don't be so angry, it's yucky."

Not everyone processes things in the same fit or fashion, and there is ultimately nothing wrong with a guy wanting to say "women are trash." This is the place for that sort of thing to be said.

Doesn't mean everyone is going to say it. Or feel it. Or that they should. But some guys will, and they have a right to their feelings.

[–]1redhawkes-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

You know thats called concern trolling.

[–]HumbleTrees0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[–]Elvis_Death0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes she is worried that she will lose OP. but remember woman communicate covertly. Therefore Op's response could be in covert language. Not explicit in this case. Downgrade her status without the butthurt and grandiose gesturing that only assuages a bruised ego.

[–]CharlesChadworth33 points34 points  (1 child) | Copy

I knew another one of these ex/Fwb catch up posts was coming up today. Mate that fucking second she mentions she wants to either catch up with either an ex or even worse a fwb she should be a plate and never an LTR.

She has crossed a massive boundary and now you know she isn't to be trusted. Withdraw your attention and game another girl.

Just to add to this, I met a thot on bumble as a fuck buddy for 4 months and did almost everything to her while she was dating a beta who didn't even get head from her. Don't be that beta guy man.

[–]SalporinRP31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah that's a breakup for me. But realistically I bet this girl has a ton of other red flags so I wouldn't LTR her anyways. Even if she has no intention of cheating it's just disrespectful and not LTR behavior.

Ask yourself this... What is the point of her meeting him? No answer is good.

Either she wants to make you jealous or he wants to make him jealous. And let's just assume she's telling the truth (lol) and that she only wants to socialize with him. Cool. Well good for her, but I wouldn't be in an LTR with a girl who wanted to socialize with her ex-fuckbuddies. The disrespect...

[–]Endorsed ContributorFereallyRed193 points194 points  (32 children) | Copy

You got alpha widowed.

You are a zero compared to ex. A consolation prize.

She's walking all over you and you are ok with being her doormat.

Let us know if he get's enough pineapple in his diet.

[–]Zanford68 points69 points  (9 children) | Copy

Let us know if he get's enough pineapple in his diet.

Nuked from orbit

[–]Nergaal9 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

Does pineapple really work? I thought it's an urban legend

[–]Zanford2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I have done 'testing' on this theory with a number of girls, and the only ones who said they could tell a difference were the ones who knew ahead of time that I was or wasn't eating pineapple (aka it wasn't a 'blinded' test). When I tried changing my diet without saying anything, and then mentioned it after the fact, none of them seemed to notice.

I've also heard red meat makes it taste worse, but this has also not been borne out by my experiences.

[–]Nergaal0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This seems to be my impression also.

[–]mnsmon2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Works. As far as I know it’s not just pineapple, but can also work with other fruits and even fish can be possible. Whether it just tastes sweet or really like pineapple, no idea tho

[–]That_Deaf_Guy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Find out and report back.

[–]geppetto1231 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The compound you are looking for is Bromelain, you can even get it in tablets. It's also the thing that makes you feel your tongue strange as it starts to dissolve it while you eat pinapple.

[–]falconiawillfall0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The biggest factor is hydration. Whenever I was well hydrated my ex said it tasted a lot better, never ate any pineapples

[–]dasani72 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Oh shit!!

[–]blackswan2whiteswan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Oh cum!!

[–]Furrealyo41 points42 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're a fucking savage.

But you're also 100% correct. OP, this is the correct answer.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy

Is it possible to Alpha Widow an Alpha Widow?

[–]ZeppKfw9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

Mist probably not since she has already been with a top 30% guy. If you're a top 10% then yeah there's a possibility.

[–]ahackercalled4chan8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

only if your SMV is higher than the previous Alpha.

[–]1DullIntroduction3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Even then, the simple fact to be the first has a strong influence on all following relationships.

[–]blackswan2whiteswan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you Alpha Un-widow first. Then you have Betty Wife.

[–]boredathome19 1 points [recovered]  (13 children) | Copy

But what to do in a LTR situation like this? People say to not care, but I think meeting up one on one with an ex is very disrespecting.

[–]SalporinRP26 points27 points  (11 children) | Copy

Break up...

She crossed boundaries that shouldn't be crossed.

[–]boredathome19 1 points [recovered]  (10 children) | Copy

I was talking about the situation where she asks for permission. People say to not care and that it's a shit test to see if you're jealous, but when you reply with an uninterested "go ahead" you can't really be angry for her actually going when you literally communicated that it's not a big deal.

[–]Project_Zero_Betas33 points34 points  (1 child) | Copy

Because if she takes the LTR seriously and values you enough, she should automatically know that "socializing" with an ex fuckbuddy is a boundary that's not to be crossed.

[–]recursoinominado5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

This.

[–]SalporinRP19 points20 points  (3 children) | Copy

Don't give her permission but also don't try to ban it. Just go with something neutral like "you do what you think is best" then if she goes just dump her.

To be honest even if she didn't go I'd consider dumping her. A girl who suggests that either thinks you're a pushover or is retarded.

[–]sebastianconcept3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Excellent. Yes. This.

[–]HurricaneHugues2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Big facts

[–]256kmodel1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

He won't know if she goes or not

[–]HurricaneHugues6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You tell her that she doesn't need your permission and that she's an adult. Then you ghost her for life. No talking, no negotiations.

Let. Her. Go.

[–]markinsinz75 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're missing the main point.

Once she even asks "can I go hangout with an ex?" It's already a demotion to FWB with no possibility of LTR.

It's not some anger shit that TRP is preaching, what the advice is really saying is "Your gf already knows what she's doing is shitty, girls are NOT DUMB where the underlying social context is concerned, they know this conciously/instinctively" they just hamster it away.

Whether she goes or not is irrelevant, because you've already lost her. A girl who's deeply madly ferociously in love with you doesn't even notice any other man.

She doesn't even TEST these potential suitors because she removes herself from the situation itself or doesnt put herself into it in the 1st place.

Cheating I've observed can be done by anyone. It's human nature. The difference between those who fuck up and those who don't is eliminating the 'possibility of the event' entirely.

Unfortunately many of today's girls(in the West) are broken fundamentally due to fucking around from grade 10 onwards.

Hence they GENUINELY think it's okay to communicate with an ex and cause many guys out there think it's okay too. Your task is to figure out the ones that don't even hesitate to shutdown any kind of outside attention.

[–]Bedtimeshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree... acting above suspicion isn’t a boundary people have anymore. I was trying to explain my view of this to a friend. Like I would never dump a cheating girl for cheating... I’m dumping her for giving this guy her number in the first place.

[–]BiasedBavarian1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m probably an extremist but it would’ve been over as soon as she even approached me with that proposition, I wouldn’t have reacted like him, just a simple “no”, but whether she went or not, it would’ve been over. I’m a big believer in not ignoring red flags. Where there is a red flag, there is a fire 90% of the time...

Every time I’ve ever ignored a red flag in life, not even just with women, but generally speaking it came back to fuck me over. He should drop her and charge her to the game, shit happens... Now it’s about working on his purpose to increase his smv. Work, Gym, Hobbies, Dates in that order.

[–]Red_Pill_Brotherhood5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Daaaaammmn this is a great post for OP to read and comprehend as you're spot on. Anyway, he needs to move the fuck on.

[–]GreatMenderTeapill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

F

[–]BaronIncognito28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy

All the extra attention and pictures and shit really screams guilty conscience. I’d be suspicious as fuck.

[–]Red_Pill_Brotherhood3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep you know it.

[–]snehehsb23 points24 points  (1 child) | Copy

Actions not words. If she wants to see him that's a big red flag. If she does she him, that's skid the bitch territory.

[–]HurricaneHugues4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just the fact that she brought it up is a ghostable offense. Let her go.

[–]bosshawg50244 points45 points  (24 children) | Copy

Tell her if she gets coffee with an ex, the next time you two have coffee it will be as exes. Lol and then start pulling attention as a way of showing her you’re serious. If she gets the hint and kills the date cool if not she knows the consequences

[–]dilulabra18 points19 points  (3 children) | Copy

I like this approach. Most of RP advisers would say: don't directly "threaten" but nothing is more elegant than calmly stating rules and preferences.

[–]_the_shape_10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm more in the don't threaten camp.

I'd encourage her to go get that coffee and unilaterally end it with zero advance notice.

If the LTR I'm with is growing/has grown audacious enough to start looking into how much she can get away with, to ask if she can essentially shit all over me and have me wait for her like some securely stored-away safety blanket, then I'm much more likely to cut my losses, accept that I badly fucked up somewhere, skip trying to balance things out with a daily application of 1000 mg of dread over x weeks/months and ride solo for awhile/find myself a new girl.

[–]HurricaneHugues3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

"I'd encourage her to go get that coffee and unilaterally end it with zero advance notice."

Das it mane

[–]HurricaneHugues10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you have to tell your girl not be a whore, you already lost. She knows very well that what she's doing is not right. What she's doing is testing to see if she can ooenly get away with cucking you.

The moment she brings it up, you tell her that she's an adult and that she can make her own decisions. Then you ghost her for life. Accept no substitute for the woman with the morals you're looking for. It's not your job to police a slut's desires or fix shitty character.

[–]jhx264 1 points [recovered]  (14 children) | Copy

This is exactly how I handled my current ltr wanting to meet a guy for lunch. I told her if she wanted to downgrade this shit then let's do that. Gave her some distance and she canceled on the other guy.

[–]KoolAidMan79803 points4 points  (12 children) | Copy

Do you regret making her a ltr if she is willing to go on dates and only backs off when threatened with being dumped. Or maybe Im just naive and AWALT.

[–]jhx264 1 points [recovered]  (11 children) | Copy

Do I regret making my boundaries clear early on? No way. If she tried that again it would be over. By establishing boundaries you're making yourself a more attractive Male.

[–]HurricaneHugues10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy

The "boundary" you think you're making was already unspokenly established when she decided to be your gf. That's like Committed Relationships 101. You two agree to be mutually exclusive and not see other people. If you have to tell your girl "Don't be slut", you already lost.

That girl is trash.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Cringe.

[–]KoolAidMan79803 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy

I understand the setting boundaries part. Im not sure if your situation mirrors OPs but if it does then I guess the disappointment that they would even ask permission to go on a date or think that its ok to go on a date with another man would be too much for me to continue a serious relationship with her.

[–]Ill_mumble_that7 points8 points  (6 children) | Copy

Women are often legit clueless, especially if they didnt have a father to teach them about respect.

They will make mistakes, not all are intentional. But mistakes like this cannot be allowed to be repeated.

My girl tried this shit when we were first dating. I encouraged her to go hang out with him, do what you gotta do, I said I'm not the type of man to value an easy lay and was done with her. She went off with him but came back 20 minutes later and said she cancelled the hanging out.

She tried to come back and have "make up sex" with me. I took her to bed, then rejected her after she stripped herself down and spread her pussy trying to lure me in. I didnt even take my pants off.. I told her I wasn't ready and that I am not so easy. She cried, and cried, and cried. All because she knew she thought she had lost me forever.

I set ground rules right fucking there. I also made her earn sex with me before I would do it again with her. I stated if she ever does anything even remotely similar to that again I would disappear without a word, just gone from her life. So if she thinks that is worth it she can do what she wants. I have the ability and skill to ghost and she knows it.

The results? She changed her phone number so other men couldnt contact her and that # doesn't go out to men now period. Deleted her Facebook and email. Started fresh on her contacts. Other men dont even so much as see her in public with makeup on unless I'm with her. 8 years now without an issue and minor maintenance on my part, also have a kid. And my word stills stands, I would vanish. She has not tested me in that regard.

To ~quote Exodus: I am a jealous God and will not tolerate her worshipping any others.

[–]HurricaneHugues8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

Women are NEVER clueless. You're just a fool. A woman's game is feigning weakness and pretending to not know. Im sure you've tried that shit at least once at a traffic stop "I didn't know I couldn't do that officer". Don't be so naive. Women learn from a very early age how to maneuver socially.

[–]Ill_mumble_that1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Sort of. But parents today are shit.

"I didnt know I couldnt do that"

Sure. I know what the law is just like women know what the rules are. But if you've never faced consequences for breaking said rules before, what's the difference?

Single moms and beta dads aren't going to punish their daughters for being sluts. In my case I was probably the first person to ever call her out on socially inappropriate behavior with actual consequences, not just some gossip or other b.s.

Laws arent laws if no one is enforcing them.

[–]HurricaneHugues0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sluts are not gonna change just because you got in your feelings and showed masculine weakness. Once the foundation has not been properly laid, no matter how many times you try renovate the building it will keep crumbling.

Don't save hoes. They don't want to be saved. Find yourself a girl who had a good upbringing from solid parents. At this point they're 1 in a million, but such is the the current state of things.

[–]lokilis1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've always been confused on what a father should teach their daughter, but I see now.

[–]Garathon-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

She kept her old number on a burner though. Once a slut always a slut.

[–]Ill_mumble_that1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Awalt. But no.

I have shit installed on her phone that she doesnt know about so I can monitor her. I dont check it often but it's all there and logged if I am ever feeling any doubts. Mspy, its $200 a year. Which is a pennies for the peace of mind it gives me. Completely stealth install.

Trust nothing that can bleed for 7 days and still live. I am not some overbearing control freak, she can do what she wants, but I will know.

[–]HurricaneHugues-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Doesn't change the fact that she wanted to go to another guy. She's not LTR material.

[–]chanakya009 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy

Bad idea. She will go on the date, just that now OP won't know of it. She's a cheater. Pass.

[–]HurricaneHugues2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Correct answer. When people show you who they are, believe them.

[–]256kmodel1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah she just wants to feel better about it but her decision was already made

[–]HurricaneHugues1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No need to be telling her shit. She knows exactly what she's doing. Your job as a man is not to change her desires or police her character. Your job as a man is to find yourself a woman who's morals align with yours. Accept no substitutes, and don't negotiate with bad character.

If she had the guts to even entertain the thought, guess what? She's trash and you need to ghost her.

[–]mismm 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Guy treated her like shit, sex pretty much sucked (so she says)

lol did you really buy this

[–]failingtheturingtest10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

decent girl, no signs of cheating

Except for the obvious signs I'm about to list of her not being decent and her intent to cheat / branch swing.

[–]HurricaneHugues4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

😂😂😂

[–]HurricaneHugues8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lmao what are you trying to save here guy? She already wants to go meet with an ex fuck buddy. Some of u guys are just too much for me man

[–]Nergaal8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

sex pretty much sucked (so she says)

The fact that you believe this means you are already doing it wrong.

[–]Red_Pill_Brotherhood6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You need to hard next at this point. She is wearing your balls as earrings by going out with this guy. If she respected you she wouldn't even consider this. I would have responded with "Its up to you." and see what she does. If she goes, hard next. If she doesn't, maybe continue the LTR, maybe not. A LTR really shouldn't even consider this.

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

First things first, it’s important you realise you didn’t fuck it up in your reaction to this. You fucked it up a while ago.

Girls are naturally driven to maintain backup plans. It’s hypergamous anxiety speaking. They need to feel safe. The only thing that would prevent them from fulfilling this urge is a clear feeling that you’re the best she can get AND a clear understanding that you could drop her instantly for example if she were to start playing those kinda of games with you.

So the fact that she did means she’s not feeling threatened that you’d leave her. And from your post, it’s clear she’s right. You don’t seem to even consider for a second leaving her. You’re asking us how to fix it. That’s not the right mindset and that’s why she pulled that shit on you. She feels safe to be tending to her backup plans because she knows you’re too afraid to lose her. She knows you won’t drop her for it. Sure she knows you might be angry, but she knows that she can plead bit, cry a bit, promise a bit, and at some point you’ll be more than happy to rationalise it all so you can stay with her. She knows she can do or say something that will make you feel that the situation has been fixed, that you’ll be trusting her... So then she’ll be able to push the boundary a little bit more and then a bit more and then a bit more..

Do you understand that? Do you understand you should not be wondering “how to act when I see her again”, but rather “when did I stop being ready to walk away from her, to the point she felt perfectly safe tending to plan B”?

Once you understand that, we can discuss how you fix it. But no point trying to fix it before as it won’t work.

[–]2alpha-zach34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy

Reset. Every morning is new.

Shrug it off. Pretend it didn’t happen.

But she was likely open to cheating. Just thought “she never would,” which is bs. A guy like that can work his magic and get her in bed easy.

Ask yourself why would she want to “get confirmation or socialize” with someone that treated her like shit?

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper12 points13 points  (10 children) | Copy

She is anxious about having displeased you.

"Please go" is a fucking cuck move. You have mistaken a sensible "don't show insecurity" for an insane "never mate guard".

[–]HurricaneHugues3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

"Please go" is actually the best answer, if followed by a hard next and a complete ghost. You can't change her true desires nor who she really is deep down. Accept no substitutes for the girl with the morals you're looking for.

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Ah, the young idealist who thinks there are women with morals.

Water takes the shape of the container you pour it in, son.

[–]HurricaneHugues0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If she didn't get good morals from her parents, she's not gonna take them from you. That's her parents' job.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

What would have been the right move according to you?

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

Without better information on the relationship, it's hard to say, but in general, unless you have established good Control Game in the relationship, and could tell her "No, you're not doing that." and get a clear "Yes, {Daddy | Master | Sir | etc }" in response, here's a good way to deal with a girl who asks permission to do something that is a deal-breaker.

Act like you have misunderstood, and think she is breaking up with you. Be nonchalant about it, display not the slightest hint of rancor, tell her it's been fun, remind her not to forget her toothbrush from the bathroom.

Then, when she backs up and tries to explain, eventually "get it", and explain your misunderstanding... she was going to go and do something that only single people do, etc.

Eventually she will get to "So you're saying if I did this, you'd break up with me?", to which you answer: "Nah, you'd be breaking up with me."

But the important question is: Why would a girl act like this?

It's not as simple as the novices in the cheap seats here are saying. She's not "planning to cheat on him". Why not? Because girls who plan to cheat or branch swing don't ask permission to see the new dude. They write to him in secret, buy burner phones to call him in secret, meet with him in secret, and make up elaborate stories to explain away the rough-sex bruises.

But she's asking permission to do something grossly disrespectful.

Could it be that she doesn't know it's grossly disrespectful? Could she simply not know how to act? No, that doesn't scan, either. If she had no clue it might be disrespectful, then she would perhaps mention, but she wouldn't ask permission.

No, girls know that meeting with exes carries some weight. Meeting up with an ex of any sort without her man's specific permission is obviously gross disrespect.

My suspicion is that he has waited too long to institute Control Game, and she is shit testing him to see if he will eventually step up and take command.

[–]MajesticPitch0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Control game?

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/83ah8u/ltr_the_bare_minimum_you_need_to_know/

[–]MajesticPitch0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you so much!!

[–]Hambone_Malone5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

A chick worthy of LTR would never tolerate you "catching up with an ex". Why in the fuck should a guy ever tolerate it? Why is this even a question?

[–]0io-2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Thanks for letting me know. It must be Springtime because all these old lovers are wanting to get back together. Go see him if you want to. My old fuckbuddy keeps texting me saying she wants to hook up again. I guess I'll go spend Friday night with her since you're busy with what's his name."

Edit: Maybe someone already mentioned it in the comments but Friday night isn't a time when girls just casually go out to meet people they're not interested in for coffee.

It almost sounds like she's seeing if you object to being treated like a willing cuck or not.

If I were you I would limit any future interaction with this girl to getting what you want from her in the short-term only. Booty call with extra protection.

---

I'd feel a lot better about the text if she had said "remember Billy, the guy I told you about who always sent me flowers and bought me that car? He wants to get together with me Friday Night and I think he might want to propose to me. Do you think I should go? You said you don't want to get married."

All the stuff about "bad at sex" and "treated her like shit" sounds like Alpha Widow territory. Huge red flags? Why would she want to see him again if this were true?

Just next on out of the whole situation.

[–]uptimex3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

The moment she asked about it her status has been changed from LTR to Plate for spinning. With no return.

[–]CasaDeFranco2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hard next. Keeping her in his life is a no-win situation, he's better investing his time in those who respect him.

[–]BlindNowhereMan9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

You are an idot.. decent girls don't have fuckbuddies. Demote to plate.

[–]Garathon3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are an idiot if you think your "decent" girl haven't had fuck buddies.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lol wut? Plates are fuckbuddies, how do you expect to find a decent girl if you don't do LTR before fb by your logic?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4PYaIoB03c

Watch this video in full.

[–]bestsparkyalive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m sorry man. That’s a really rough situation to be put in by a chick. I bet it hurts a lot. I would personally move on because it is very disrespectful. There’s no downplaying that. It’s not exactly acceptable behaviour in an “LTR”

[–]Throw837362822 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

You don't want your girl having sex with other guys because you can get STD and STI

[–]Red_Pill_Brotherhood3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

And for respect/commitment(they have an LTR) reasons as well.

[–]izaacibanez971 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

And the potential of raising another man’s child. I don’t understand how so many guys put up with that shit.

[–]jeff_vii1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Instant red flag. I've had something similar with an ex and although I handled the situation well I wish I hadn't of wasted any more time on her after she asked that. If she truly respects and values you, she wouldn't risk the relationship over contact. Do what needs to be done

[–]PracticalMaximum1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Asking for "permission" or not, she will do what she wants anyway. Showing the red flag it was a mistake for her and a big win for you. You dodged a bullet.

[–]Bedtimeshine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“I will never commit to girl who communicates with her ex’s, let alone spend with them. It’s clear you’ve blown past that boundary. You are now free to do as you please.” Thay would be my exact response. We can keep hanging out and keep fucking if she’d like but she will not have my commitment or fidelity. And she’ll barely get any effort.

[–]Senior ContributorMentORPHEUS1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was in this exact situation several years ago about 2-3 months in to dating someone.

All I did was ask in a calm neutral voice, "Why do you think that's a good idea?"

She went into a mini-tantrum, I forgot the bulk of it but she finished with, "... and if you don't like it we can just end things."

So I pulled her close, kissed her lips, and said in the same calm voice, "Okay, we can just end things."

Years later, she regrets letting me get away, can't secure the commitment of a better man, and still has a contentious fuck buddy relationship with that buffoon.

[–]Zanford1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

If you said "Please go" then you'll look retarded if you get upset at her later for going.

It sounds like you recovered hand. But it's possible that all her songs/pictures etc are her compensating for cheating b/c she feels guilty or wants to throw you off the scent.

You need to go with your gut instinct here. If you don't think she cheated or wanted to cheat, then I would give her a one-time forgiveness (because you encouraged her to go, and sarcasm doesn't come across well in text). If your gut says she wants his D, then you should ghost.

And if she brings something like this up ever again you should tell her in a very plain, calm manner "he's in the past, don't meet up or keep chatting with him." And if she gives you a lot or shit about that or seems like she really wants to hang out with him, then you should next her.

[–]HurricaneHugues5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wrong. It's already too late. OP needs to cut his losses and ghost her. Committed Relationships 101 teaches you that 2 partners agree to be mutually exclusive and to not go on dates with other people. The moment she says she wants to go on a date with someone else, she's openly telling you that she's not committed to you.

[–]Tousen711 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Goddamn these commenters are savages. Can y’all just offer advice without clowning the man?

Dude, your girl is still interested in this guy.

The issue here is that she shouldn’t be. YOUR her man. Why is she revisiting old flames? Particularly when they were the ones that walked.

Here’s your response:

“It sounds like you aren’t over this dude. Which is fine but if that’s the case what we have is done. So, you need to decide if you can let this guy go and move on, or if it’s worth revisiting.”

In that moment she needs to drop that idea IMMEDIATELY and never bring it back up again.

If she does break up with her.

[–]KoolAidMan79804 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

I dont like this because it puts the decision back in her hands. She has already shown her decision making skills are suspect at best. You are giving up control here. I would rather be the one who decides if the relationship continues or not. In this case I would go with demotion or hard next as its just insulting to ask your SO permission to go on a date with another guy. If you discuss it and she says she wont go and you decide to stay together the next time she just wont tell you at all and go behind your back.

[–]Tousen71-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

That’s a fair point, too. But she might just be dumb or think he’s that naive and a good ol fashioned g-check will nip that shit in the bud real quick.

You don’t have the throw the relationship away but definitely correct bad behavior with a firm hand and be able to walk away from things you don’t like.

I’d advise talking to her before the hard next, but backing out of exclusivity and expecting to plate her is a tough sell. She’s gonna view that as a break up and head straight to the ex.

[–]HurricaneHugues1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

They're NEVER that naive. You are though.

Women learn since before they're teenagers how to maneuver in the social world. They learn the value of pussy since an early age. A woman's game is all about feigning ignorance and weakness.

[–]HurricaneHugues4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Too much talking. She's already shown you by her actions where her head is at. Why can't you just believe her? Stop trying to change these hoes into who they're not. Learn to dump these disrepectful hoes that u guys are poorly vetting in the first place.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How did you fail?

[–]Eminencemiddle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She wants to fuck him again because she couldn't get a commitment from him last time. She asked your opinion in case he fucks and chuck's her again, and somebody tells you about it.

[–]peaceful_strong_man-2 points-1 points  (4 children) | Copy

What’s with all the cucks in the comments?! “Bro don’t be insecure, let her meet an ex - it’s totally cool, bro. You’ll be insecure if you’re not cool with it.”

[–]StopGaming123417 points18 points  (3 children) | Copy

There is literally not a single comment saying this.

[–]volvostupidshit4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This guy is so advance.

[–]peaceful_strong_man0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There were about two when the post just came out. Plus it’s the typical red pill mantra.



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