Is he interested or just wants sex?!

tequilathehun · 2019-08-07T17:21:40+00:00

A wise bit of advice I was once given: If a man likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.

durtyknees · 2019-08-07T18:46:01+00:00

I’m a 24F and I’ve been dating a 31M for a couple months

2 months is barely a fling, and it has cooled off already :p

We have been intimate in certain ways such as foreplay and oral but have not had PIV sex

And you're not even fully withholding sex.

We were making out and things got hot and he started putting on a condom.

He did that because you lead him on with sexual acts.

I stopped him short and said, I’m sorry but I’m just not ready.

Your actions do not match your words.

If you can't make up your mind (or worse: if you don't know what you want), you might as well be playing stupid games, because it looks the same from his perspective.

To maintain any guy's interest in you: anything you want to withhold from a guy (anything that you know he wants), you have to compensate with something else that's more interesting to him, than the thing he wants.

You can't keep a guy interested if the only interesting thing you have to offer is sex.

If you want to withhold PIV sex while doing other sexual acts, you need to communicate clearly and sincerely, and be very skilled at picking up on his emotions to know how to pace things without leading him on.

Your intentions do not matter, because people cannot experience your intentions.

People experience your actions, and hear your words (which they may interpret differently from what you think you're saying).

People perceive sincere intentions only when your words match your actions --- from their perspective.

Throwmeawayagain66 · 2019-08-07T21:10:44+00:00

If this happened to me like it did him i'd leave too. Not because I want sex, but because it shows you're not ready for a serious relationship. You consent to everything under the sun, and are willing to get that hot n heavy but not go any further? I'd assume you're just playing games or don't know what you want. Both things are bad indicators for a good relationship.

Or its likely you hurt his feelings by rejecting him. You already said sorry, now you can only keep acting sweet and hope he comes back around.

I don't know the full story, maybe he's been having doubts silently and this was just the last straw. If you two aren't exclusive then there is a good chance he's feeling alienated or confused too.

StroopyLoopy · 2019-08-07T18:25:21+00:00

I think he was interested but you gave him some rather mixed signals.

It's good to hold strong on your boundaries, but where you chose to draw the line on these particular boundaries was really strange, and probably very confusing for a 31 year old man.

etucker546 · 2019-08-07T19:56:35+00:00

Homie tried to utilize a BP strategy to get the drawls. Once he wised up and his attempts at sex with you failed he now has soft next-ed you until you come around ready for PIV. He made himself so readily available and needy to you for most women they will be completely turned off by this. I'm guessing you must be really physically attracted to him so you hamster-ed those red flags. Also you had Oral sex with him so that's a huge tease to him. I'm sure he was thinking "Oh boy I'm really getting close,". In a way you were partially complicit in what you didn't want. You must set CLEAR boundaries and Limits. We are men we like hearing things straight no B/S. If you beat around the bush we will assume your playing games and next you. good luck.

JJ3314 · 2019-08-08T17:27:49+00:00

I gladly waited until marriage for my wife, because she was a virgin on principle, and I wanted her to be secure in the knowledge that I wanted to spend my life with her, not just be involved in a physical relationship with her.

If, however, I had the misfortune of getting thrown into the general dating pool of women, most of whom have engaged in promiscuous sexual activity and hookups, I would bail on the first notice that a given woman was making me jump through hoops that she didn't make other men jump through. I would either go monk for moral reasons (which would have the downside of turning myself into a martyr), or I'd be talking to/plating multiple women at once, since OTOH it's bullshit to relegate oneself to lifelong celibacy just because most women have corrupted themselves and are poor marriage prospects.

And for the women that think this reflects "entitlement"--that's complete nonsense. The guy who would be most willing to wait for OP (in other words the LEAST entitled guy) would also be the one who would be most horrified to hear about her, for instance, hooking up with some rando on a cruise ship, while he's foolishly being idealistic, and building castles in the sky involving marriage, children, and self-sacrificing to support a future wife and children. If he has an ounce of self respect he will note that he is superior in EVERY meaningful way to that other guy, except in the one way that mattered to OP: he just wasn't hot enough. Women are entitled to engage in the (shitty) behavior of applying different standards of sexual morality to different guys based on how hot she finds them, but no woman is entitled to a man's love or commitment. He can also judge the fuck out of her in his mind, and decide to withdraw from the relationship, plate her, or commit to her at his discretion based on new information coming in. I wish this guy luck. I actually hope he's just your typical just-want-to-have sex douchebag, because otherwise I'm borderline heartbroken for him.

It's the guy who is only interested in pumping and dumping a woman--the guy that doesn't plan on investing time, energy, emotions, money, commitment, in her that wont care. Not because he is somehow open minded and less "entitled," but because he doesn't give a shit about her. Damn.

AnarchoNAP · 2019-08-07T17:46:09+00:00

Someone who is interested in you is not going to drop off because you won’t have sex one time per-commitment.

cldp2107 · 2019-08-08T02:39:28+00:00

Men know what they want. They will stop at nothing to acquire their desired goal. If you were that valuable to him he would not give you the cold shoulder because you turned him down. He would place you at higher value because as the gate keeper you don’t just allow anyone to ‘enter’ 😂 you are placing value on yourself. If he truly cared he would offer more, ie: more patience or commitment to ensure that you feel stable with him in order to ‘gain’ entrance. -Sorry for all the unintended puns.- You are 24, young and vibrant. Trust me you’ll continue to have plenty of dogs barking at your gate. Own your power, you decide who & when. Moreover he is in his 30’s, he doesn’t go for women his age because women his age smell the bullshit right away. Trust me I’m 33, been there done that. If he wants you he will pursue you, no matter if it takes a week or month or year, if he wants you he will pursue.

cldp2107 · 2019-08-08T02:51:26+00:00

“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

— Greg Behrendt, He's Just not That Into You

convenientfeminist · 2019-08-07T20:23:48+00:00

Girl you don’t know how many times I’ve taken myself into the bathroom stall while at work to cry about a man. I’m team “let it out” 100%

I know it may seem tempting to just have sex with men to make them stay, but I can tell you from first hand experience it doesn’t work, at all. You just end up getting the response you got, but quicker.

don’t know what it’s like where you live but in my city 23 year olds with convictions like you are rare. Stay true to yourself and cry if you need to <3

convenientfeminist · 2019-08-07T20:18:58+00:00

He liked you, but not enough to keep waiting for sex.

Kaboomboomboomboom · 2019-08-07T17:38:23+00:00

If he truly liked you, he would show his understanding by continuing trying to win your heart. Right now he’s acting like his investment didn’t pay off. Also, I believe you can avoid the situation next time by not becoming intimate at all (just kissing, no clothes off stuff). I find it very hard to not have sex when you’re naked and horny. It kinda sets the expectation that at least next time there will be full on sex. I don’t believe there is a certain amount of time to wait, but it would probably help to only kiss until you’re completely ready.

pokersnob · 2019-08-08T15:23:22+00:00

Please dont be offended but this is how your post reads:

things were going well
you explained that you were not ready for sex
he then pulled back, but gave you a little assurance
things are not going well anymore

Look at this like a bar chart. The energy shifted after you declined sex. Either he likes you and really needs sex (that's not your problem) or this was all just a game to get sex from you. Either way when the timing is not in your favor its best to reclaim your power back before you make anymore moves. Plus, you deserve someone who does not confuse you.

janeaustenfan99 · 2019-08-08T16:11:47+00:00

He was pretty clear - contact him when you're ready to have sex. Until then, he's not interested in communicating as evidenced by his behavior.

Rodo78 · 2019-08-07T17:48:11+00:00

I think he is interested and maybe he thinks youre not and your refusal may have bruised his ego. I think that you should take the wheel: set up a date, pick him up and treat him (eg: pay for it) end the night respectfully with no fooling around (because that could be a tad confusing) to show that you are interested in him and willing to get to know him more.

THE_MASKED_DOWNVOTTO · 2019-08-07T20:14:44+00:00

I STRONGLY recommend you read the book "why men marry some women and not others". How many dates have you guys been on? It's not clear from your post, and I'm too lazy to dig through your post/comment history right now.

Also, are you guys exclusive? Have you had the "exclusivity" chat?

Where did you guys meet? Was it Tinder? OKC?

convenientfeminist · 2019-08-07T20:32:32+00:00

Feel better love!!! 💕💕💕

loveopenly · 2019-08-08T09:09:30+00:00

Why aren't you ready to have sex with him? If you know - it's important to sit down and communicate those reasons to him.

Men aren't cold emotionless machines. Sex is a vulnerable thing for them too. If he likes you and you created a distance with him, he's going to be frustrated or confused about that.

This is an opportunity for you both to get closer by communicating and being vulnerable about how you both actually feel. It's a chance for you to actually cement a commitment to each other. Hope it goes well.

Beesweet1976 · 2019-08-08T09:45:04+00:00

So if someone rejected you would you come back for more demoralizing rejection? Idk maybe he’s hurt and trying to step back for perspective. Not saying you should give in if your not ready just maybe more communication on both sides.

loneliness-inc · 2019-08-09T05:14:13+00:00

I reached out to him about how I was feeling last night and he told me that he doesn’t want me to feel bad at all about not having sex. He said he respects my decision and that he’s fine with that. He told me when I do feel ready, to let him know. After that conversation though he stopped texting. So he is still not texting as much as before. I guess he is just busy but I’m not going to text him again for now. Idk what to do really

It seems like he was educated to be patient and respectful towards women. When he said he respected your hesitation, you can assume that he meant it.

But the reality is that rejection hurts and sexual rejection hurts even more. Reality is that he has sexual needs and he's interested in a sexual relationship with you. Doesn't mean he's only after sex but it does mean that having sex, sexual chemistry, sexual desire etc with you is very important to him.

Then came this night when things were heating up and you stopped him as he was putting on a condom. This means that he was already naked in front of you with his erect penis, fully bare and vulnerable in front of you.

And that's when you pushed him away.

Look, it's your body and you can choose to do with it as you please. But actions have consequences and getting him that warmed up just to turn him down is what's killing this relationship before it's fully established.

The first place you messed up was that you didn't have a conversation about these things on the first or second date. If you don't plan of having sex until a certain point in time or a certain stage is met, you owe it to him to let him know. This way he can choose to either accept your terms or move on. The fact that you set down the boundary while he was about to roll out a condom onto his erect penis is a major mess up on your part. He probably feels led on and for good reason.

Throughout this whole process, it seems like you haven't thought much about how he feels or what his needs are. That's the biggest problem here.

The second major mess up is getting warmed up when you aren't ready to have sex yet. If you're not ready for sex, don't touch him altogether! Or keep the touch to the most basic, platonic forms. If you start letting things heat up, you gotta be ready to go all the way. If you aren't ready to go all the way, don't let it heat up. Remember, he's a person too and his needs matter. You weren't thinking about his needs and he may not even know if you're sexually attracted to him, if you like him, if you even care about him at all.....

NicoleInBlue · 2019-08-07T19:00:47+00:00

He is ignoring you to make you nervous and have you give in to having sex. You should honestly distance yourself/drop him. If he really liked you he would be afraid of losing you and would not just become inconsistent out of the blue with no explanation.

sywonsmumu · 2019-08-07T18:10:43+00:00

How do you show your efforts towards him?

If you're not putting in effort plus no sex for months, then it could come across as disinterest in your relationship. Maybe try to do or plan something for you two.

razor_sharp_007 · 2019-08-08T01:07:48+00:00

In the future, I would recommend something like the following some time around the end of the second date:

Man these dates have been fun and I love talking to you. Thanks for planning such great dates.

I’d love to see you again, in fact I was thinking it would be fun to <suggest activity> next week.

I’m dating with the intention of finding someone who wants to be exclusive. For me, that means reserving sexual activity until I’m in a committed relationship.

I wanted to let you know where I’m at and what I’m looking for.

Then just listen and answer any questions he has.

Of course you would modify this if you’re dating in a particularly conservative context. I’m aiming this toward a sort of baseline, secular, sex or something like it on date three world.

10/10 guys who have a balanced attraction to you will respect the hell out of your communication, boundaries, purposefulness and self-awareness. They may have questions but as long as they don’t give you attitude, I’d assume good faith until they show otherwise.

Also, I’d recommend that your boundary on being sexual before commitment be moved way back: ie. Making out and getting frisky over clothes, ok- anything else not ok. Getting frisky under your clothes-whoops, went to far, reassert the boundary and shrug it off. Happens repeatedly? That’s a red flag.

Lastly, don’t take yourself too seriously but also, take it seriously. If a guy gives you crap about being clear and assertive, red flag.

Undisclosed89 · 2019-08-07T19:11:35+00:00

(29/m) perspective. I've been with my partner for 8 years now since I was 21 and she 19, we had sex within the first couple of weeks of meeting each other...

I was a bit of a player at the time, but the girls I met and hooked up with were mainly girls from bars, or girls I'd known for a while who were just off and on hook ups, tinder had just been launched as well and I was getting a couple of lays off there. It was like a competition who could score the most between me and a friend at the time.

However I met my partner (fiancé next month as I have bought an engagement ring and booked flights to prague and will be proposing)

We met in a cafe, I was doing some community service for some criminal offence and was prepping and serving food... anyway, as it was an internet cafe for youths between 16-21, I met her in a different environment than I'd normally meet girls, and we chatted for a few days before I gave one of her friends who came in there as well my phone number to give to her on a piece of paper, and she was a bit weirded out at first because she thought I was one of the youth workers / and actual employee there until I explained that I was on community service for some dumb shit, which I thought would make her feel more weirded out after me telling her... but we both came to realize we had pretty crazy upbringings and she felt more comfortable a rebel on community service had passed his number, and not a youth worked....she started texting me with some issues she was having, and I guess I was a shoulder to cry on, we had an instant connection.

An issue turned up for me too, my community service was being revoked because I missed probation 3x through partying and not bothering to go. I ended up with a court date which was given for months down the line, with an up to 3 year jail term for the original offence (selling dope).

She invited me round to watch a DVD the second week of talking, and we ended up having sex that night. She was living in a bad area of town, and I was facing jail, and one night I told her... I'm not going to be around much longer but my case isn't for some time, come move in with me until then where its safer...I could be going away for a few years.

I ended getting sentenced to 12 months (I served 6 months before release on good behaviour on curfew) I was in a maximum security prison where she visited me every week whilst staying at my place. The court case dragged forever it was adjourned twice and we spent 9 months together living at mine before i was eventually put in jail...by this time, I knew I had found the one, and I knew that if someone could stick by me after me telling them I'm going to prison for up to 3 years, that this person would be loyal to me until the end, and I would to, to her. She kept my place in shape, she helped certain members of my family whilst I was away, and she found a purpose for life again, and I had a comfortable sleep in that prison every night knowing I had someone loyal who wasn't a hoe to come out too... since then I have ditched my player ways, no longer commit any type of crime, and have built a successful business.

Back to your story...it helped me to type that and reflect sorry...

So now tinder hookups and fast dating are the norm of meeting people, I think that for 2019 if he has spent 2 months putting in real effort of being a gentleman and non-pushy (there isn't many guys about who would date 2 months without sex tbh) he may have felt slight rejection that you do not yet trust him enough or find him sexually attractive enough to just be uncontrolably unable to not throw yourself at him... if your not a virgin, he may be thinking..."shes slept with guys before, what's wrong with me"...

I, or no one else on reddit are in this guys brain, or stage in his dating & mating life... I can only go off my past self. If a girl didn't put out within a day, a week max I would be on to the next one...is he a player type?

If my now life partner hadn't have put out (it was mutual in terms of readiness we were both horny for each other) then I wouldn't have stayed with my soul mate, because of my own insecurity of rejection, and moving on to the next fish... because that's where my brain was at... then.

In this day and age, dating / courting whatever happens so fast in the age of social media, dates websites, apps, relationships come and go so fast, and so does the sex.

I'd stick to your guns and say you do it when you are good and ready, but let him know when you are ready in advance...by text or something, like "feeling extra horny tonight"... or "I'm ready to go further but be gentle" etc... he is obviously struggling to read the situation if he is getting as far as putting on the condom, and heading in, and then told to take it off... I'd find myself a little red faced... maybe frustrated at myself, and the girl too...

I don't know what more I can add other than to put yourself in his shoes, and speak to him a bit more openly about what is making you not ready for full intercourse, and to reassure him it's nothing to do with his lack of game, or lack of sexual prowess etc.

ban5h3e · 2019-08-08T03:39:33+00:00

He’s 31, you’re 24.

He probably doesn’t want to wait that long for sex.

2 months is long if you’re in your 30’s. There’s no time to waste.

I’m female, 36 and definitely wouldn’t wait around for that long.

Second or third date - bam.

Don’t want to fall in love with someone, invest time and the sex is crap :)

If you don’t want to have sex with him, don’t string him along. That’s probably how he feels.

jfiscal · 2019-08-08T13:33:59+00:00

Depends on stuff you haven't told us. Not gonna judge, just gonna offer a different perspective. I'm not a good writer so please bear with me.

Unless you're a virgin, making a man wait is an implicit rejection of who he is. Men are always comparing your investment in the relationship vs his investment, and comparing that investment ratio with the men of your past. Even if he doesn't know about the men in your past and has to base it on general trends (which is why honesty about your body count is important)

In real life it means " I've been going out with this chick for a few months but she'll only suck my dick. Am I being taken for a ride here? I'm pretty sure she didn't hold out this hard for her ex."

From your post you've explicitly rejected him mid foreplay which is a huge blow to his ego and a very clear signal that you don't think he's good enough. In his mind he might be thinking "I thought she liked me, but am I just a free meal?".

On top of that, every date you hold out increases the likelihood of him getting suckered into paying a higher price for you than the men in your past did.

"Why am I taking her on nice dates if she used to pop her pussy for randos on tinder? I'm a fool for investing in her more than that"

So though I don't have the full story here, it may be a case where his courting has hit a wall and he feels the disparity between your relationship investment is too great for him to handle.

If I were you I would ask him to meet you somewhere (not a date) and have a really honest, nothing held back discussion where you talk about things in an adult manner. Including how long you withheld sex from all your previous partners.

If you're not willing to do this, it he isn't, it's over. If he hears something he doesn't like, it's probably over. Whatever you do, don't think you need to have sex with him to keep him- you don't think he's good enough now, so he's probably not good enough to continue dating

aussiedollface2 · 2019-08-08T22:30:17+00:00

I feel like women make a huge distinction between sex and other sexual behaviours. You’re actually not withholding at all, you’ve had oral intimacy with him, so the withholding sex seems inconsistent to me. Like if you’re willing to do that then why not sex? I would suggest in future that kissing is fine, but if you’re truly withholding or waiting until you’re ready then draw the line at that. Not sure about this guy, but it does seem he’s cooled off immediately after your sex refusal. I think you need to re-evaluate what you want and also where you stand with him. I hope he wasn’t just using you for entertainment but that could be the case xoxox

hooverdamnnyo · 2019-08-09T05:14:47+00:00

I had to check what sub I was in, because there is a lot of bad advice in here being lauded as great advice.

melitele3 · 2019-08-09T10:33:31+00:00

I do not want to sound prude, but I believe some of your actions were quite misleading.

If you are interested in having a serious relationship, you do not kiss and have oral sex with a man only after a few dates. I think moving so quick onto the physical, romantic activities makes a man believe that you are definitely interested in having normal sex with him and he will be expecting that. You saying you aren't ready for it must have been very confusing, considering the singes you were giving. There isn't much difference for me between oral sex and normal sex (the intimacy has been started and sexual tension introduced between you two), so for me it doesn't make sense why you are okay with such intimacy but not with the other.

I think if you need to know whether you are exclusive before engaging in sexual act, you should have had dates with him that oscillate between deep conversations, getting to know each other, spending times on various fun activities. Kissing, hugging would be of course appropriate, but once he would start something more, then you would have told him - could we wait a bit with it? Not going allllll the way to oral sex and denying going further.

Then you could just told him you only have sex in relationships - If he was one for you, he would say yes to that.

Now the milk is spilled. You need to calm down your emotions. You seem overly panicky and desperate for his attention. Give him some time. 3 days of not contacting is NOTHING. It doesn't tell you anything at all yet.

Give him some space - maybe for a week. After a week start a conversation again but don't bring the situation anymore. Try to schedule a date. If he bails on you then, ask him to propose other date - if he still doesn't choose any date, it would be obvious he is just not interested.

You shouldn't live your life trying to calculate moves on how to make a man interested or 'convinced' to be with you. Your character and you in general will be the main factors.

JulesB954 · 2019-08-09T18:56:15+00:00

In my opinion, if a man is in his thirties and hasn’t settled down yet, it’s a red flag. There are exceptions, but I think it’s a sign that they are used to getting sex without commitment.

jayval90 · 2019-08-07T20:17:21+00:00

When we are together he is all over me/ always kissing me and making out with me, hugging me etc.

Honesty I see this as a bit of a red flag. Done in moderation, this can be incredibly meaningful. But done too much, and it sounds more like we're just scratching an itch.

eueulee · 2019-08-08T07:13:09+00:00

Oh my.

You're definitely not alone! we've all been there. In short, many people think that if a guy invests money or time in you he is into you and the moment he starts acting more distant we think that we have to be there or let him know we like him. So we get worried, we overanalyze, we even invite him out. That's our insecurity of not wanting to lose the guy. But he's not dumb. Like tequilathehun commented if he likes you he will do whatever he can to be with you. If he doesn't especially after you said you're not ready he is probably thinking he should be distant because you both don't want the same thing (sex).

I hate to break it to you but in my opinion I think he did like spending time with you and he obviously thinks you're attractive and worth spending some coin in but I don't think he sincerely likes you if he keeps up this distant attitude. And trust me, 15 minutes to drive you home is not that hard. I can guarantee you that when you meet the man that really loves you, he won't mind driving 3 hours just to see you. Don't message him even though its really tempting. I know that in the end you might want to reach out or be with him for a few more weeks but honestly I don't think its worth it and I think you deserve someone that won't go cold on you because of that. If you still want to give it a shot at least let him come to you and stand up for what you want and for what you are worth! Good luck! :)

edit: if a guy is upset because you are not ready for sex he doesn't like you. simple as that. he should respect you and your decisions and sex is definitely worth waiting for the woman he likes.

cldp2107 · 2019-08-08T02:24:49+00:00

You did nothing wrong. If he wanted to continue pursuing you he would. Point blank. He’s just a fuck boy.

SouthernOhioRedsFan · 2019-08-07T18:13:06+00:00

Uh, there is no difference.

Title	Is he interested or just wants sex?!
Author	sorrynotsorry222
Upvotes	30
Comments	148
Date	August 7, 2019 5:19 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/cn8o8u/is_he_interested_or_just_wants_sex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-he-interested-or-just-wants-sex.248507 https://theredarchive.com/post/248507

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