On "Banter"

SmurfESmurferson · 2019-10-31T16:25:46+00:00

Banter is playful verbal sparring. Quick replies and retorts that come naturally when you’re with a person that you connect with - be it platonically, romantically, whatever. Some examples:

I banter with my girl friends all the time, often joking about our relationship track records or some physical trait (like my friend who has very curly hair, compared to my stick straight hair). They’ll tease me about the same, or run with the whole blonde bimbo stereotype

I banter with my cousins, often joking about some shared interest (like Batman or the Buffalo Bills), teasing them about their past (in the case of my cousin who was a male stripper), or whatever comes to mind. They tease me about my divorce, my career, or certain things from my history

I banter with the guy I’m seeing. If someone ugly comes on TV, he’ll make a crack about me looking like them. I’ll joke about his tendency to forever be a “little brother” type of personality (his sisters are 10+ years older than him, so he’s always been treated like that)

Banter is just friendly teasing, but you do have to have thick skin. It’s fun, and can be completely innocent or very flirty and sexual

wub1234 · 2019-10-31T15:23:44+00:00

I don't know what it's like if you're American, but 'banter' would be quite high on my list of words and concepts that should be stricken from existence. Everything is fucking banter nowadays.

Hey, I wasn't really racially abusing that footballer, it was just 'banter'.

goatismycopilot · 2019-10-31T15:21:09+00:00

I feel "meh" about banter which I distinguish from wit. I appreciate wit as long as it does not always have the same target. Banter is dudes putting one another down. The part about it I find interesting men are fine with being treated like shit by other men and they will defend the fuck out of verbal and physical hazing as long as it comes from dudes. I think there are a ton of men who want approval from a male authority figure and want very much to conform despite claiming otherwise and banter is a way to enforce that.

Truedemocracy5 · 2019-10-31T15:10:18+00:00

Men are better and more natural with banter, but I think women are better at receiving it from men than men are from women.

Women are used to being coddled and put on a pedestal by men. A guy that banters is going to intrigue and challenge her.

Guys are used to relying on women for emotional support. If a woman jokes with him he will take much more offense than if from a friend

Being able to banter is also a display of high SMV. Basically bantering is how men shit test each other

deepsouthscoundrel · 2019-10-31T15:11:33+00:00

Banter is typically something men do with other men. It's verbal roughhousing, a way to establish social boundaries among friends the way physical roughhousing establishes violent boundaries. When it gets to be too much, everyone backs off, or else it stops being fun.

Banter is absolutely essential to the process of flirting, because why would I continue to see or date a woman with whom I can't be friends? My wife is my very best friend, and she can absolutely keep up, so hanging out with her is consistently fun. Of course women have different boundaries than when it comes to banter, so keeping it light is necessary until those boundaries are established.

Deadgirl1888 · 2019-10-31T17:31:11+00:00

Banter is annoying af and complete opposite of having a good sense of humor. Most guys will dish it out but get butt hurt when you do it back to them.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-10-31T17:42:39+00:00

I don't recall any of this tv style bantering bullshit in any of my sexual relationships and certainly not with any of my bfs or my husband

lonelinessmademecave · 2019-10-31T17:53:54+00:00

I’m going to push back on the “women aren’t good at banter” thing. That might be generally true, but in my experience the people who were the best/wittiest/biting in their banter were women. Women are really good at subtle/cerebral digs, and when you can find one that make these comments without being mean spirited (rare), and one that can take as well as they give (doubly rare), she will fucking floor you with quality bantz. Guys are pretty bland in comparison. The best (and meanest) purge week shit posts were written by women.

[deleted] · 2019-10-31T20:24:28+00:00

I don't like "banter", especially with men I'm interested in. It seems like teenage roundabout flirting to me and just isn't my style. Like teasing the girl you're into because you don't know how to make your point otherwise. Keep the banter for the boys. I have a friend who's constantly bantering with her husband and it's just annoying and exhausting to be around.

Eastuss · 2019-10-31T15:18:17+00:00

What does "banter" actually look like to you? Are there lines that should not be crossed? Where are they? Feel free to give examples

Like "obnoxious frog" placed in a middle of an argument. I don't have limits.

Is banter an essential part of the flirting process for you?

Not for me, but all women who were into me were women I constantly teased/poked. First thing I told my wife ever was meant to annoy her.

I use banters and aggressive social codes because I'm intro and lazy and it makes things quicker, you get to know people a lot faster.

Do you like it when members of the opposite sex engage in banter with you? Is it too masculine or disrespectful when women banter, or too crude or forward when men do?

I don't see it as typically feminine and don't expect it, but I like it because communication runs smoothly with these women. And they're the women I'm more likely to appeal.

Who do you think enjoys banter more, men or women?

Men.

Share any miscellaneous other thoughts you have on bantering

You should listen in class.

ssshhhhhburner · 2019-10-31T15:59:31+00:00

It’s very contextual. My boyfriend and I banter constantly. We love to tease and joke with each other and what would be off limits is fairly well understood. Neither of us have our feelings hurt easily and I think that is crucial to us being able to have the type of back and forth that we do.

Examples would include him teasing me about my driving skills or me teasing him about how his dog loves me more than him. We also have pet names for each other which we use in private that many people would probably find offensive.

NaturalQueer · 2019-10-31T16:10:15+00:00

1) What does "banter" actually look like to you? Are there lines that should not be crossed? Where are they? Feel free to give examples Light teasing with someone you know well enough to know or at least guess that they will receive it well.

My husband is 7 years older than me and I tease him that I am dating an old man, but I wouldn't just say that to any person.

2) Is banter an essential part of the flirting process for you?

Yes and no, at first not as much, later down the road it's nice, but that's because I grew up with light teasing being affectionate but at the same time my husband doesn't like certain kinds of it so I don't.

3) Do you like it when members of the opposite sex engage in banter with you? Is it too masculine or disrespectful when women banter, or too crude or forward when men do?

When I was dating yea, sometimes but not with guys I had just met. It can be crude, forward or disrespectful but I don't think it's to masculine.

3) Who do you think enjoys banter more, men or women?

I don't think it's fully dependent on gender, because girls banter with eachother all the time. I grew up with tons of it from other women. I think the types, the time and the place can be lost in translation between the sexes and that can cause issues.

4) Share any miscellaneous other thoughts you have on bantering

In the end I think it's really person to person but also really depends on the relationship of the two. I make fun of my husband and he makes fun of me, but if someone I didn't know as well tried the same thing it would be weird. Also there are somethings that some people are more sensitive to than others so those should be avoided, and if someone asks you to stop and you keeping going then yea you're an asshole.

katymarx · 2019-10-31T18:00:26+00:00

I love banter and am usually pretty quick witted and clever, and have pretty comprehensive knowledge across many broad subjects, really appreciate a man who is the same.

People who don't enjoy this kind of fast flowing communication might not like it, hence a lot of folks on the spectrum are not fans.

87AudreyHorne · 2019-10-31T19:31:07+00:00

When you can respectfully tease without anyone getting offended. Though for real, when I can tease and he compliment-teases
No

3.no. no.

Wild guess, women enjoy banter catered to us (see point 1)..men are a sensitive (just like us)
Banter is fine if you're not being mocked. I dont do mocking or disrespect. What I like though is probing by asking really direct questions and making conclusions. I dont care about people who overkill with the "joke" part of it

bonusfruit · 2019-10-31T16:07:19+00:00

Banter is defined as saying words while being good looking

petrichordium · 2019-10-31T15:19:33+00:00

Banter is great and useful as flirtation, and good banter acts as a sussing out of the landscape of interaction: what’s appropriate? What’s arousing? Etc

It’s sort of like dirty talk in being subjective, and also being one of those things people can simultaneously REQUIRE when it’s good but also cringe hard at when it’s bad. And like dirty talk it has a very irregular map of appropriateness unique to individuals (ie an ex: “like whatever call me a useless cumbucket whore it’s great just don’t call me STUPID”).

I think overall men do more bantering within intragender social groups, which is good bc banter is often helpful for the Pursuit role in sexuality. Bad banter just lops off the process more quickly than a more timid courtship process and thus has its own use.

Women who banter well are unique and very attractive. Women who banter poorly are good for taking to the mats in banter and often seem aroused by being banter bested. Women who GENUINELY hate bantering of all kinds are probably not very much fun and I don’t know much about them.

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reluctantly_red · 2019-10-31T17:40:53+00:00

If a woman can't banter I'm not interested. Banter is essential.

Mulkvistee · 2019-10-31T19:16:33+00:00

Banter is really important to me. I like it, it's fun, and if a guy can't deal I find out early it never would've worked out anyway. The line "it's a joke not a dick, shut up and take it" comes to mind. If you're too sensitive we're gonna have a really bad time.

That being said I think it's possible to cut too deep, and it's most apparent early on when you don't know where the line is. So if you can't apologize and mean it, bantz may not be your game. Also once you know where the line is, grazing it is a power play and a dick move for both people. Weaponizing sore spots is a hard no.

Getting to the point where all I have left to say is "asshole!" is great, it's a tap out but it was fun getting there. We have kids so I've learned the word in pretty much every language they don't understand lol. Frankly only the best bantz get a lol-dramatic huff exit, it's a salute to the winner so badge of honor that shit.

Examples are hard because banter to me is firmly in the "you had to be there" camp for it to be funny. A lot of it evolves into distinct relationship vernacular even if it's shot through with pop culture references and the like so it would require explanation to get.

Though...right now I'm dealing with texts about taking down the skeletons and putting up the anal beads because it's Gapesgiving Season Eve. That's due to my h taking the term "giga anal" from here and running with it. Now it's been bastardized with HIMYM, he played Marshall's Slapsgiving song on the piano to fuck with me this morning.

Mystery_Tragic · 2019-10-31T19:19:56+00:00

1) Banter to me is a great game of conversational tennis.

2) I want to have stimulating conversations with the woman I'm hoping to spend more time with in the future. So yes, banter is important when it comes to flirting.

3) Only if she wants to fuck me.

4) I don't think it's a gender thing, but rather a confidence thing. If you are feeling good about yourself you'll enjoy bantering more.

5) I think bantering, with the right context and people, can become a valuable tool to form relationships. But with the wrong context and people it can become a vicious weapon.

Kos_-_Omak · 2019-10-31T21:09:13+00:00

Yes banter in general is good and a key part of the flirting process. A lot of women are bad at it, it's not because it's too masculine or anything like that, they just suck at banter compared to men. Men (not including the autismos) are generally better at wordplay and double entendres and playful insults than women. Guys do it to each other all the time, but sometimes when women try to mimic that and act like they're one of the guys it ends up being lame and cringey.

I don't really agree with that quote. A LOT of beta guys with shitty frame control do that "i'm just joking" thing but it's not good banter. It's actually comes from guys who don't really understand subtext and all that. They only see one layer of it think banter is just being an asshole, then when they try to do it and it just comes across as assholishness, they back down.

Guys who are good communicators and good at banter will never apologize or say they're kidding because they don't need to. They're able to communicate that fact in a very obvious but unspoken way.

[deleted] · 2019-10-31T23:49:12+00:00

Going back and forth in a playful way.
It's an essential part of any interaction for me. I HATE interacting with people that take themselves too serious, or take me too serious. For some reason some guys are "intimidated" by me, which I don't believe because I don't think guys are intimidated by small women. I think they're just coping with their own fear of being awkward. A guy who I can go back and forth with shows he's not boring.
Yes.
Most women aren't funny to most men, and men are more inclined to banter.

ontherailstoday · 2019-11-01T00:25:40+00:00

>What does "banter" actually look like to you? Are there lines that should not be crossed? Where are they? Feel free to give examples

Sigh. Part of the point of banter is going up to the line but not crossing it. One can't "give examples" of that, it isn't something one can develop a data base of appropriate examples of, because it depends so much on context, on the values of the parties involved, shared cultural knowledge. banter is a virtuoso improvised performance not paint-by-numbers. It serves to demonstrate exactly how competent a person can be on an impromptu basis.

> Is banter an essential part of the flirting process for you?

No. But it is a very successful part when it is used and it works.

> Do you like it when members of the opposite sex engage in banter with you?

If I'm not enjoying it, it isn't banter.

> Is it too masculine or disrespectful when women banter, or too crude or forward when men do?

If it isn't working it isn't banter.

> Who do you think enjoys banter more, men or women?

It is all situational. I think men are more inclined to attempt to banter when they aren't skilled enough, and women are more inclined to not even try bantering because guys sometimes treat female displays of talent as some sort of put-down.

> Share any miscellaneous other thoughts you have on bantering

Please don't encourage socially unskilled men to banter, that's like encouraging obese dudes to do parkour, it ain't gonna end well. Start with something more appropriate to their existing skill level.

slavicgypsygirl · 2019-11-02T09:48:47+00:00

Banter isn't my style bc I am a serious person who dates serious men like me

mabev43568 · 2019-11-04T04:31:28+00:00

What matter is not the words, but the attitude.

Banter to degrade a person is negative.

Banter to befriend a person is positive.

Voice tone is what makes the difference.

Banter well done convey the message that you are not judgmental, and you side on the same side, so both of you can relax and have fun

Title	On "Banter"
Author	ElderlyAlder
Upvotes	7
Comments	104
Date	October 31, 2019 2:49 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/dpol5x/on_banter/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/on-banter.293468 https://theredarchive.com/post/293468

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