Why do people who are married with kids stay with cheaters?

Barneysparky · 2019-12-29T19:48:02+00:00

Because when you have children life is no longer just about your feelings.

PennnyLame · 2019-12-29T19:13:04+00:00

Depends entirely on the circumstances. What type of messy shit is happening that the kids would know? Certainly no adult is telling them outright?

I can certainly see a situation where my husband cheats, is an idiot and I find out and our relationship fundamentally changes. We are now simply cohabitating co-parents. Maybe therapy helps establish forgiveness and a more smooth day to day life. It’s definitely more stable than divorce for the kids. OR I find out and just put it in my Catholic box in my brain and go on as we have before. My life is a little worse so my kids’ life can be as close to ideal as possible. 🤷🏼‍♀️

DevilishRogue · 2019-12-29T19:12:26+00:00

Cheating is unpleasant to be on the receiving end of but not having access to your kids is far, far worse for any sane person.

yasee · 2019-12-29T19:21:08+00:00

only if the kids know about the cheating, arguably

also change and forgiveness are sometimes possible

Maybelowsmv · 2019-12-29T19:42:26+00:00

Economic stability and also easier for the children to have contact with both parents

GCWanderer · 2019-12-29T22:46:13+00:00

I was actually a child in such a relationship (my father cheated on my mother for a number of years), and from the child's perspective, my advice to anyone being cheated on (male or female) is to leave. Leave today. Don't bother trying to talk to them about it, don't go to counselling (unless it's only to work on yourself and specifically the delusions that this can be saved). There are several reasons for this.

If you don't leave today, it's likely the cheater will leave down the track anyway. My father eventually did (probably the happiest day of my childhood, for reasons I will talk about later). A person sneaking around to have these liaisons WILL get tired of hiding all the time. That could mean they stop cheating, but more likely it will mean they leave outright and move in with one of their side interests. After all, they've only ever seen the best of their love interest, but they've seen the worst of the person they live with.
People who are sneaking around often get stressed for reasons that aren't always apparent to those who live with them. In the case of my father, it was physical violence (usually directed at me). Members of my extended family commented on how well I "took it" when my father left. The truth is, I was privately jumping for joy, the hardest part was hiding that joy from my mother who was clearly upset at him leaving.
Your children will have a negative view on relationships. I certainly do. At this stage of my life, I'm seriously questioning whether it's worth going through the process of trying to "find someone" or worrying about whether or not that person is losing interest, or getting distracted elsewhere... whatever! I'd rather just pursue my hobbies and interests, and let other people do as they like. They will anyway.
People will promise they have changed, but they really haven't. I'm speaking generally, I know there are probably three or four exceptions out there - just none that I've ever heard of. Now I don't necessarily believe in "once a cheater always a cheater", but I do believe that if someone cheats in YOUR relationship, then it's because they crave something they aren't getting from the relationship. Now it may be something simple, or it may be something that no self-respecting person would be comfortable doing. Either way, that craving isn't going anywhere. After my father left my mother, he went through several other relationships, cheating on all of them.

As to why people stay, I honestly think ego plays a huge role here. As people we don't want to admit we made a mistake. We don't want to admit we picked the wrong person. We don't want to admit that we aren't as desirable as the other person (or aren't will do to what they are willing to do) and we don't want to admit that sometimes we were a pain in the ass to live with.

I honestly think for most people, the kids are just a convenient reason to avoid facing the truths I just mentioned. I think most people know they aren't doing the kids any favours by staying in such a situation, but it's just easier to cling to the remote possibility that things might somehow magically change in their favour than to admit that it's just not working. People don't only do this in romantic relationship BTW, they do it in careers, business and so on. After all, change is difficult.

Ultimately though, people who stay in those situations are not doing the kids any favours.

Darkseeker_Mau · 2019-12-29T23:31:30+00:00

> Aren’t you just showing your kids it’s okay to be in crappy relationships?

The father of my father cheated on my grandmother, they stayed together and still are, my father knew about it, he thought that it was admirable for them to stay together, that they were an example of true strength, that nothing could break their union, he saw them as true role models.

You never know how people will digest this kinds of things.

whydidntthey · 2019-12-29T20:02:21+00:00

In a nutshell - people have negative connotations with being single parents. Look at how single mothers get talked about on here? Do you not think that such a narative will effect women and discourage them from leaving bad marriages?

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-12-29T19:19:57+00:00

because people take their vows seriously and there are more important things in marriage quite often than fidelity. how often do the kids even know?

NorthrnSwede · 2019-12-29T20:41:14+00:00

Because trying to leaving an abusive spouse is dangerous to women's and children's lives.

chaddad9000 · 2019-12-29T20:57:03+00:00

chumplady.com is fascinating. Like the inverse of MRP or something.

Hennythepainaway · 2019-12-29T21:47:47+00:00

I think anyone who gets cheated on should be filing the next day.

That said I understand those with young kids who try to make it work. Kids do typically turn out better in a happy 2 parent household. If you can work through the infidelity, that would be the best for the kids. I just think that the success rate of doing that is so low, it's not even worth it to attempt. Better one or two happy separate households than one dysfunctional one.

Nevidimka- · 2019-12-29T22:52:29+00:00

My parents did this, I found out my dad was a cheater when I was 15, but by then it was already going on for 16 years( including my kindergarten teacher, the babysitter, his intern etc). Whenever people ask me whether I'd rather have them divorce sooner I... Just don't know. I had a stable happy childhood. Idk how it would have been had she left him. If I'd find out my husband cheated it would be a REALLY tough decision to make.

G77R23D · 2019-12-30T01:50:56+00:00

Perhaps they feel keeping the family intact is more important than the indiscretion.

Workaholiconew · 2019-12-30T01:53:31+00:00

Costs and rewards.

Always, it is costs and rewards.

The costs are too high and the rewards too low. That is it.

Tomatoccino · 2019-12-30T08:29:45+00:00

Leave and go where? Feed your children on what? My sister was able to take her children to my parents’ home, but not everyone has that luxury.

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2019-12-29T20:44:16+00:00

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Willow-girl · 2019-12-30T00:55:55+00:00

My mother stayed because she didn't want to live in the poverty she had grown up in. She spent decades trying to branch-swing, but women of her generation didn't have as many opportunities for affairs as women do today. She wasn't exceptionally pretty, so men weren't exactly lining up to take on her (and my) care and feeding.

I suppose my father didn't divorce her because he liked having an undemanding servant! It was certainly "cheaper to keep her."

khaste · 2019-12-30T02:59:53+00:00

Stay with each other till the kid hits 18 i guess?

OfSpock · 2019-12-30T08:02:05+00:00

My aunt stayed with my uncle after he cheated because he at least used to look after the kids while she worked and she saw how hard my mother had it as a single mother.

2019-12-29T19:29:42+00:00

If a guy decides to leave because his wife cheated on him he will lose kids and money. Either way he is fucked so he might as well stay for kids.

Title	Why do people who are married with kids stay with cheaters?
Author	KickKathleeenKennedy
Upvotes	0
Comments	55
Date	December 29, 2019 7:04 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/eh9w4y/why_do_people_who_are_married_with_kids_stay_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-people-who-are-married-with-kids-stay-with.303477 https://theredarchive.com/post/303477

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