Dating / Hooking Up in NYC vs LA

SUMMARY

NYC is one of the greatest cities in the world for men right now, and certainly one of the easiest when it comes to hooking up with women. LA, on the other hand, is one of the toughest. Doesn’t mean you’ll never get laid again if you make the move to LA—girls out here CAN be gamed—you just need to adjust your strategy accordingly. Let’s take a look at how and why below—

BODY

So I moved to NYC in early 2001, spent 12 years living in downtown Manhattan (in Tribeca), had four girlfriends (averaging about six months each) over the course of that time and the rest of it was single and ready to mingle, so let’s get into it:

NYC IS A CITY THAT, FROM A PURELY LOGISTICAL STANDPOINT, IS SET UP TO MAKE HOOKING UP AS EASY AS POSSIBLE

Assuming you have money, NYC really is the closest thing in North America to “Disneyland for Adults”—everyone is packed in right next to each other, everyone works their asses off all day long at their jobs but once 6pm (or whenever) hits it’s off to the bar for Happy Hour and whatever adventure (and random hookup) the evening may hold. People work long hours here but when they’re off they’re OFF, they’re ready to party. Couple this with the fact that no one owns a car or drives, everyone takes public transit and / or cabs everywhere, everyone drinks daily after work (often heavily and right next to where they live), and you have an optimized environment for an easy hookup.

Add to this the fact that you have FAR more single women then men in the city (I’ve heard of ratios ranging anywhere from 6 single girls for every 1 single guy all the way up to 10 to 1, don’t know why this is but clearly whatever the number the ratio is exceedingly in favor of the men, there just simply aren’t enough single guys in NYC to go around), and thus if you’re a relatively good looking guy who has his shit together (career-wise) you’ll do very, very well in this town.

NYC IS ALL ABOUT INTERNET / MOBILE DATING WHEN IT COMES TO THE INITIAL MEET

Some extremely-high SMV men will get by with just street approaching / bar approaching women here, but for the most part NYC is all about Internet and mobile. You MUST have profiles up on Match and OKCupid (these are the big ones, I’d ignore the rest), as well as all the major mobile apps (Tinder, Hinge, Happn etc). Your profile MUST contain a picture of you shirtless doing something awesome (an activity like surfing, hiking, yoga etc), another pic of you hanging out with a few beautiful women, a pic of you wearing a nice suit, etc. Cover all the bases. Keep the profile text short and to the point. Keep your messages short and to the point. This is NYC, you don’t have to text game women here, again the ratio heavily skewed in your favor means you hold ALL the power all the time. Assuming your photos are up to snuff you can go ahead and just write to the very hottest girls you find online and say “Drink after work?” and they’ll all respond back immediately with a resounding “Yes!” (Seriously, it really is that easy.) I mean, why wouldn’t they? You’re a new, unknown quantity (exciting!!), a possible adventure to be had, best case scenario is you two hook up, have a night of amazing sex, you’re another notch on her belt (all women are actually trying to UP their partner count in NYC), everyone leaves happy. Worse case scenario is you don’t hit it off at all, in which case she just goes on with her evening but even then what’s the big deal? You both lost 20 minutes, so what. The fact that it’s so easy to get everywhere in NYC (remember, no one drives, it’s all subway and cabs) means the “barrier to entry” for that initial meeting is very, very low. I hit the Internet hard my last year in NYC, wrote to only the absolute hottest women I could find online (all high 8s to high 9s), and it was very, very rare that a women DIDN’T respond back to me (and it was always right away, like “Sure, let’s get a drink, how about TONIGHT??”). And it’s not like I’m Mr Awesome, it’s just the numbers, if you’re a halfway decent looking guy who’s reasonably cool and has it together then you’re in VERY high demand here, believe me.

MOVING HER FROM THE INITIAL MEET TO THE BEDROOM IS JUST A SIMPLE PRE-REHEARSED ROUTINE (THAT YOU REPEAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN)

So the hot girl on OKCupid (or Tinder, NYC is pushing more towards mobile these days) said “Yes!!”—now what? Find a high-end cocktail bar (“mixologists”!!) within a 5 min walk (or less) from your place. This must be a place you know WELL: you’ve been to it plenty of times, everyone knows you there, you tip well etc. Text the girl and say “Found this awesome new place, went there once a little while back and have been dying to return, best mixed drinks in all of NYC, let’s check it out! How’s 7pm?” Get there early and stake out a place at the bar. If you’re a non-drinker (as I am, quit almost 5 years ago—I did ALL of my dating dead sober by the way so no excuses people) tell the bartender you aren’t drinking but your date is, can he make you something fruity, delicious, and non-alcoholic? (Your date won’t know you’re drinking fruit juice, she’ll think it’s a fruity whatever.) If you are a drinker (as most New Yorkers are) no worries, go ahead and get your buzz on. Date shows up, sit with her shoulder-to-shoulder AT THE BAR so you can get your kino on—hand on back, hand on forearm, hand on leg etc. Now that you’re together, you start establishing THE DECISION TREE. What I mean by this is that you start posing a series of decisions, Decision A vs B, and with every decision, one of them gets her closer to your bedroom, the other further away. Set it up so that, with every decision, the one that gets you two closer to the bedroom is always the safer, better, most obvious option. Example: you’ve been at the bar for anywhere from 45 to like 90 min or so, been having some great convo, and have gone through a few drinks each. You say: “Hey, I really want to keep talking to you but this place is picking up and getting kind of loud and crowded, why don’t we move back to my place, I live like a block away?” So we have Decision A: go back to your place, and BE COMFORTABLE, or Decision B, stay here and BE UNCOMFORTABLE. Well that’s a no brainer, right? Get her back to your place, more drinks, keep talking, cuddle on the couch, escalate, you know the drill. So then of course the escalation is going great but then the girl starts pulling back, she REALLY likes you but doesn’t want to sleep with you on the first date… You say “Hey, I’m not that easy either! We’ll get to all that but not just yet, honestly I’m just kind of really enjoying what we’re doing right now…” (Making out etc.) Girl: “Wow, I’m so glad you understand!! Guess I should get going then…” You: “Sounds good, but don’t you live like 15 stops away on the L or whatever? With a transfer at Union Square? Wow, that’s gonna be like 90 min on the subway, and it’s like 1am already… Why don’t you just crash here tonight? We can sleep together but not have sex, it’ll be nice.” Her face lights up: “Really?? I’d like that!” And then, of course, once you’re in bed: more escalation, sex, and you’re done.

GETTING THEM INTO BED IS EASY, KEEPING THEM AROUND IS HARD

So yes, that’s the simple formula for bedding women in NYC (and even that may be overcomplicating things, oftentimes they just hop into your bed with no resistance whatsoever, you don’t even have to deal with the whole “We’re not having sex yet” pretense)… The odds are with you, so really, for the guys, it’s mostly about just being cool with the whole process (calm, secure, level-headed) and not totally fumbling the ball when it’s handed right to you. That having been said, the fact that you bedded her oh-so-easily means you’re almost certain to lose her just easily. Doesn’t matter how “alpha” you are, doesn’t matter that you’re a hedge fund manager or a hot musician or whatever, the top-tier girls are flooded with online / mobile requests for dates every minute of every day, and while you should expect that you’ll likely hook up with them fairly easily, you should also expect them to ghost you after a week or two (if not after one night) just as easily. Think of the women in NYC just as you’d think of a bunch of regular (sex hungry) guys: they’re all looking to up their partner count, they’re all looking to have as many wild and crazy sexual experiences with as many different people as possible, and after they’ve hooked up with you you’re now a “known” quantity and let’s face it, that’s just not quite as exciting as that brand new hot guy texting her right now who might be THE ONE… Speaking of which—

ALL WOMEN IN NYC ARE WAITING FOR “THE ONE”—WHO DOESN’T EXIST

Are women in NYC capable of committing? Sure. You just need to be absolutely gorgeous, ripped, six pack abs etc, and you must have a MINIMUM of $20 million (and preferably $30 million) dollars in the bank. Cash. Like, so she can see it in your actual checking account. Yeah, I know, doesn’t exist—but don’t tell them that. This is a generation of women raised on Sex and the City (and, now, most recently, 50 Shades of Grey), and they’re all waiting for Mr Big / Christian Grey to roll on up and sweep them off their feet, to commit wholeheartedly and without reservation, etc etc. I am not joking when I say that ALL of my female friends in NYC, ALL of them, without exception, have very openly stated they would never commit to anyone with less than $20 mill, cash in the bank. Not a one. That’s the standard now, and that’s what they think they deserve. Women in their late 30s, sometimes early 40s (!!), that’s what they want, that’s what they think they’re entitled to, and they’ll settle for nothing less. When you hear all that just nod and say “Absolutely! Why would you settle for less than the very best?? You deserve it.” Then hook up, send them on their way, and don’t worry about it when you never hear from them again. If you’re invited into her little harem of 4 to 6 regular fuck buddies, great, enjoy it while it lasts (which will be anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months, tops). If not no worries, just shrug it off and move onto the next girl (the rule is: never send more than 2 text messages without getting a reply in return… If you’ve sent the second text and you still haven’t heard back from her you’re done, she’s ghosted you, time to move on). If your profiles are all set up correctly and you’re messaging new leads fairly often, you should always have a few new women lined up and ready to go at any rate.

———

FROM NYC TO LA

So if NYC is paradise for young men these days, what about LA? Well after 12 years in NYC I figured I’d take the plunge, come on out west and see what it was all about. Been here 2 years now and yeah, I can definitely say: it is WAY tougher out here. Not impossible, but trickier for sure. Thing is, whereas NYC is all set up to make the whole hookup process as easy possible (everyone’s packed in so close together, no one drives so everyone can booze it up all they like and then just a walk a block or two from the bar to someone’s apartment right nearby to close the deal), LA is seemingly set up to make the hookup process as difficult (and complex) as possible. Everything is SO SPREAD OUT in LA, the people are all spread out, the venues are all spread out, getting anywhere involves getting in your car and driving for at least 30 min (and worrying about parking when you get there), you can’t drink because you’re driving later (not a problem for me as I don’t drink but when the girl isn’t drinking either then it’s REALLY tough, most women are incredibly nervous on a first date without the crutch of alcohol), and even if you DO totally hit it off with some girl, then what? It’s not like “Hey, let’s walk a block back to my place!” (as in NYC), but rather “Hey, wanna hop in your car and I’ll hop in my car and we’ll both drive for half an hour back to my place??” Yeah, good luck with that… There’s just so many links in the chain here where the process can break down, and thus, you must change your strategy accordingly. Here’s what’s up—

LA IS ALL ABOUT STREET PICK UP, NO ONE IS ONLINE OUT HERE

So NYC is all about the online and mobile, everyone Tindering away etc. And why not? Like I said, the barrier to entry for that first date is extremely low, she loses almost nothing by agreeing to meet you for a quick cocktail right after work on a random week night (it’s just a quick subway ride, right?). But with LA, yeah, you’re not gonna get a girl to agree to hop in her car and drive for half an hour to meet someone new she’s never met before. I mean, it CAN happen, and I’ve done it, but it’s rare. If you’re online out here you’ll be writing to women for a while before even one of them responds, and when she does write back getting her out will be VERY tough. Unlike in NYC, here in LA it’s 2 single guys to every 1 single girl, and you’re competing with all the best looking guys on the planet (showbiz), all of them are jacked, have killer six pack abs etc. I mean, if you have AMAZING model-esque photos then maybe online in LA might be worth a shot (even then I don’t know if I’d recommend it, the hottest girls just aren’t online out here), but honestly you’re much better at concentrating on simple in-person pick up, either cold approaching on the street / at clubs etc or, my favorite, social circle game (approaching at parties).

LA STREET PICK UP

So one of the things that I found to be totally shocking (and hilarious) as soon as I got out here two years ago was the absolutely ferocious level of aggressiveness the guys use when it comes to street pick up. I mean, these are all the guys that were the best looking dudes back in their hometowns, probably the most popular guy in their high school class etc, everyone always told them “You’re so handsome, you should be a movie star!!” and out to LA they came. All very young, very cocky, never really met with failure in their lives. That and they are 100%, balls-to-the-wall, absolutely, totally fearless about just outright lying when it comes to picking up girls. Back in NYC, it was much more about inner game: about your career, what you’d done, your accomplishments in the world etc. You could just approach a girl and say “Hi, I’m so-and-so”, and she could tell by your manner, your bearing, your speech, how you were dressed, how you held yourself etc just exactly what your socioeconomic status was. Lying just wasn't a thing. Here in LA, it’s all outer game (because, honestly, precious few of the guys out here actually have any inner game, simply because they haven’t done anything yet), so you have these really young dudes (like early 20s) walking up to women and saying things like (no joke) “Hey, are you an actress? I’m producing a movie with Brad Pitt, you’d be perfect as the other lead. Give me your info and let’s talk about it over drinks…” Or “Hey, why don’t I take you to a movie premier sometime? I just got this new Lambo and I’ve been dying to take it for a spin…” or “Hey, you like to go out? I’m the owner of [insert name of nightclub du jour here], bring all your girlfriends and we’ll get you a table” etc. (In fact the club owner schtick seems to be the default one right now, there was one week recently where I heard that one used like almost a dozen times in a row, and I was thinking “Wow, that one nightclub sure does have a LOT of owners, doesn’t it??!”)

Thing is, what these guys have all figured out, out here, is that lying is the “steroids” of pickup—if you use it you will automatically “win” when in competition with someone (anyone) else who doesn’t. Remember, women really cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality, between the appearance of a thing and the actual nature of that thing. If the guy says he’s a producer and you’re gonna be starring with Brad Pitt, then he’s a producer and you’re gonna be starring with Brad Pitt. I mean, he said it, so it must be true, right? Why would he lie? And when you laughingly point out (to your female friends) that he would, in fact, tell a lie, that guys do this in order to get sex from girls, the girls always just laugh right back and say “No, never!! He wouldn’t do that!! No, it MUST be true…” And then they hook up with the guy, and never hear from him again. (And it’s not like they’re all broken up about it afterwards, they’re always like “Whatever, he was hot, so it’s all good…”) No matter how many times you warn the girl about the casting couch, the girl will always ALWAYS fall for it every single time—since I’ve been out here I’ve never seen an exception to this rule, not once. (And remember, for girls, it’s all about bragging rights anyway: they just want to be able to tell their girlfriends “Yeah I’m hooking up with this big movie producer, he’s gonna put me in a movie with Brad Pitt, I’m gonna be the co-lead…” or “I’m hooking up with the owner of Club X, sooo hot…” For women it’s all about the status of the man, and whoever has the highest status man wins. The fact that the man is lying about his status never enters the picture, is what he SAYS that she in turn passes onto her friends that’s most important. Keep in mind, she now has plausible deniability—he said it, and now she’s just innocently passing along the info, right?)

LA SOCIAL CIRCLE GAME

So yeah, I’m not really into the whole “Walk up to random girls on the street and lie my ass off about my movie credits” thing (though I’ve seen it work time and time again), and given that online / mobile doesn’t really work out here (the barrier to entry is too high, everyone’s too far apart and getting together is just too much of a hassle… That and the LA women online are just shockingly unattractive, especially when compared to their NYC counterparts), where does that leave us?? Social Circle game my friends!! You need to get out of the house, do fun things with your guy friends, take classes, get on Meetup and explore some new interests, go to your friend’s party, go to parties being thrown by friends of friends, go hiking (big thing out here), go to yoga, etc etc. Just GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and keeping moving, keep being social, and you’ll find you bump into quite a few people that way. In fact the girl I’m seeing right now (been a year) I met at a BBQ held right here in my building. No game required: had a bunch of people over, this girl and I started chatting (she was a friend of a friend), she friended me on Facebook, the very next day she messaged me and said “I’m coming over to your place, we’re gonna watch that movie we talked about”, we hooked up that night, all good. Girl’s beautiful, 6’2” (my height), blonde, professional model, been mistaken for Claudia Schiffer on the street (seriously), grew up in a small town with traditional values, the whole bit. Really, really like her. I’m not exclusive with her and I don’t intend to be (at least not right now), but for all you single LA cats who are dying a little on the inside with each and every passing day out here, thinking “Man, all the girls out here are trash, why can’t I find just ONE good girl??” take heart gentlemen, there ARE good girls out here (who are also gorgeous), you just have to sift through a LOT of trash first before you find them. Skip the online, just keep getting out of the house (or even better, throw a party yourself and invite everyone over), and you’re bound to meet someone eventually.

BUT WILL THEY COMMIT?

Ah, well here’s the thing: just like in NYC, women out here aren’t really looking for a relationship. Girl I’m with right now seems to want one but she’s very much the exception to the rule, most couples I know here ARRIVED IN LA ALREADY AS A COUPLE, in fact I don’t know a single couple out here that met out here and decided to stay together out here, honestly it just doesn’t happen, LA just isn't set up for that. Whereas in NYC it’s impossible for women to stay single because their smartphones are blowing up every 10 seconds with a new message from yet another brand new hot guy just waiting to meet them right around the corner, here in LA, with that 2 to 1 guy to girl ratio (and again, the best looking guys in the world are out here), girls are just bombarded with street game from all sides at all times. To be fair it’s all overly peacocky outer game (which I find to be pretty ridiculous), but it does seem to work… For a quick hookup, anyway. (Lately all these young tattooed guys have been approaching girls with “Hey, I’m a billionaire, gonna hit up Miami this weekend, then New York, Vegas, wanna come??” Never mind that the guy’s obviously a 23-year-old bartender / waiter with a neck tattoo and an IQ of 85, all that matters is that he said it, so now the girl can tell her girlfriends “I’m dating a billionaire” and that’s it, she wins, the other girlfriends lose, the end. Girl hooks up with tattooed guy, never hears from him again but that’s OK, she still gets to keep the story of “her billionaire boyfriend” going for 6 months at least, just off that one night stand, so really, everybody wins…)

LESSONS LEARNED

So what have we learned??

• NYC is the best place in North America for men right now when it comes to ease of hooking up. LA, on the other hand, is one of the toughest (I hear SF is the toughest of all, though I’ve never been). The ratio of single girls to guys in NYC is anywhere from 6 to 1 to up to 10 to 1, extremely advantageous for the guys. In LA it’s reversed, 2 guys to every 1 girl.

• NYC is all about online and mobile when it comes to the first meeting / date, as it’s just so easy and convenient for everyone. People still get introduced in person but it’s rare. If you’re in NYC you need to be on all the sites and all the apps, and your pics and profiles need to be in top shape. If you have this covered you’re 95% of the way there. LA, on the other hand: no one is doing any online dating here, it’s just too difficult to get to that first get together. LA is all about the street / bar / club cold approach and social circle game. So fill your calendar with activities and get out of the house.

• In NYC most women have a harem of 4 to 6 bad boys they’re sleeping with at any given time (they’ll admit to “3” out loud but the real number is always 4 to 6), and they’ll swap out 1 or 2 of these guys with new ones every few weeks. As such DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, GET ATTACHED. You got her into bed on the first date, congrats!! That doesn’t mean you’re amazing, it means she sleeps around with everyone, and is prone to hooking up on the first date (as almost all NYC women do). Enjoy the ride while it lasts and when she ghosts you just shrug and go to the next girl. LA girls: same thing, though the harem is a bit smaller (like 2 or 3 regular guys at a time) and they’re swapped out every month or two (again, this is just due to the pure logistics of the city, everything social out here moves slower and is generally harder to do, period).

• My own numbers (for reference): I went out with 28 women my last year in NYC, and slept with 12 of them, giving me a “closing” percentage of 40%. That having been said, most of the ones I didn’t sleep with I didn’t sleep with by choice (turned down quite a few), and in fact I can only think of one woman, out of the entire 28, that I wanted to hook up with but didn’t (and that was a timing issue more than anything). And like I said I’m not Mr Awesome. Lesson: if you’re a guy living in NYC the dating / hookup world is yours for the taking. Here in LA though: I’ve been on almost no official "dates" at all, it’s all been social circle game and meeting women through hanging out at parties / events etc. Haven’t been pursuing anyone actively, just been sitting back and letting them come to me as they like, and with this strategy (or lack thereof) I slept with 6 women the first year I was out here (exactly half my NYC number). Of course there are a lot of variables in play: I pushed hard in dating lots of women in NYC, here in LA I’m not pushing at all, the women in NYC were all my age or just a little younger, here they’re all a LOT younger, I met a girl out here I like and she’s been a regular plate for a while now so that also lessons my desire to go out and game other girls etc etc but yeah, the lesson is: you WILL get laid here in LA, just not nearly as often or as easily in NYC.

And that’s it gents—questions etc about dating / hooking up in NYC or LA (or both), hit me up in the comments--

(EDIT: formatting)