Can we let the FWB‘s go please?

purasangria · 2020-02-13T12:34:40+00:00

[deleted]

venomous_g · 2020-02-13T12:53:47+00:00

I am a bit done with the attitude that not having “emotional attachment” to the people we share intimacy with is a virtue. If I’m going to share my sexuality with someone, I have to care about them as a person... because what’s the point of them getting all of this good pussy and attention if I don’t even like them that much, don’t want to be seen in public with them, wouldn’t occasionally call them outside of a booty call to check whether they’re alive? I’m not a charity.

I do believe there are many types of love, many types of connection, and many configurations of relationships a person can have with another... but I don’t believe men are capable of most of them. I date women exclusively and can see a respectful, mutually fulfilling FWB thing working out with another woman, but a man? It’s rare, and despite what men will say it’s really their faults.

penelopekitty · 2020-02-13T12:09:51+00:00

Feminism is NOT about the right to choose. Many choices are not feminist, nor do they benefit women in the least. Feminism is about breaking down patriarchal structures.

It is not your place to tell people what they can and cannot post about, that is a job for the mods.

Way too many women think they are in a FWB situation, but there is no friendship there and basically no benefits. They are lying to themselves. Men have been treating women with shocking disregard and disrespect for time immemorial. The last decade had seen a disgusting rise in violence and degradation towards women in porn.

Not every relationship has to end in marriage, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't demand respect in every intimate relationship. FWB just let's men off the hook.

daglowup · 2020-02-13T11:53:39+00:00

Amen!! Buy a vibrator and keep it moving ladies

husheveryone · 2020-02-13T12:44:20+00:00

[deleted]

letsberealforamoment · 2020-02-13T14:31:10+00:00

As the one who started this, my point about "fwb":

TAKE OUT THE WORD FRIENDSHIP in describing this arrangement. It insults and denigrates authentic friendship, which is so important for women wanting to level up.

Language is important. Let's stop dragging friendship through the mud when describing the arrangement commonly called "fwb".

Other than that, carry on with casual sex arrangements, sexual acquaintanceshios, fuck buddys, etc.

SaddleUpBucephalus · 2020-02-13T13:00:26+00:00

Sometimes the sub sounds like it's Red Pill Women but with a different attitude about men. No thanks. FDS is about first and foremost gaining the best benefit for yourself in whatever relationship you choose. Of course you're not benefitting from a lacklustre FWB situationship if you have feelings for the guy and think that fucking him will make him turn you into a girlfriend. But if you're in control, do not want marriage or commitment, have your life together, and have a FWB that is attuned to YOUR needs above all, then go for it.

MidnightCarp · 2020-02-13T13:33:58+00:00

Liberal and sex-positive feminism is about the right of an individual to choose what they want to do, regardless of the negative externalities this has on others and the society, or the long-term consequences of a momentary choice you make that seems fun but can ruin your life for a long time. I don't think this should be enough, we need better cultural standards.

A society where casual sex is common that requires no effort from men apart from maybe being pleasurable in bed leads to a culture where men get away with treating women worse. Granted, many men would be LVM regardless of their upbringing and society because there are biological factors playing into the male nature, but there are also men who would grow up to be decent, high value people if this was the path for them to get a partner. Not irredeemable fuckboys, but men who have commitment issues because of unmanaged mental health issues, for instance. They might use casual sex as a band-aid and never deal with their actual problems if FWBs are available, since it gives them momentary feelings of closeness, but if they didn't have this option, they might grow the fuck up and solve their problems to be good decent men. Even good people aren't always rational, and we need to stop pandering to them so they will start acting rational.

Even more importantly, we can't ignore that women are very vulnerable in FWB situations, and even if we think the thrill and great sex is worth it, it rarely is in the long run. Though we initially don't have feelings for the guy, we might develop them after having sex for a while, and they are in a good position to manipulate us in that direction. It won't happen in all cases of course but especially young women are really susceptible to crushes in such situations and accidentally pair-bonding with the wrong man. The fleeting tingles aren't worth the risk.

The libfem "choice" argument for casual sex ignores that people can make choices they will regret in the long run, and sex is one area where such choices are common if there are no good norms in place.

jazzyjazcons · 2020-02-13T14:15:47+00:00

I understand how if you’re into FWB, to be in a community that frowns on that, can be difficult to deal with.

But hear me out, FDS has a lot of strategies that we may not all agree with. No one here follows FDS 100%. For instance, the handbook advises against coffee and drink dates, I personally think coffee/drink first dates are better suited for my current dating scene, so I still go on them sometimes. When people posts here about how low effort those dates are, I don’t get offended, I don’t even comment with my own view. I shrug it off to a strategy that I don’t think is suited for me and move on. If you truly believe that FWB work for you, why can’t you just shrug it off as a strategy you don’t agree with and keep it moving!?

There are no absolutes in life. I am sure there are exceptions where FWB have turned into fulfilling LTR or have served whatever purpose they were intended to, but strategies and rules are designed for the masses, the majority and this strategy is one of them. And by their own admission, most of the pro-FWB comments have conceited that FWB don’t work for most. So they should understand that it’s unreasonable for the sub to take a position that won’t work for most.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-02-13T12:15:56+00:00

I agree. I think FWBs have their time and place and each situation is different. The main thing is to recognize FWB relationships for what they are, keep it simple, and don't get confused. If it gets weird or confusing, nope the fuck out.

dilligent_squatter · 2020-02-13T20:07:56+00:00

I disagree with the FWB thing as well. Sure I like sex, but giving in to that urge just because I want sex doesn’t really serve me. I’d love to sit at home and eat chocolate cupcakes all day but I don’t do that, I’d love to have dick whenever but I see that behavior as having too many risks. I’m in a relationship but even when I wasn’t, I never saw the merit in casual sex. I don’t think an FWB lifestyle is true to the FDS principles.

I feel like trust is a major player here as well: if I don’t see a future or want a relationship with someone, why would we extend each other 100% trust? Your hypothetical FWB could be out screwing other people too and not letting you know, and then you end up catching something awful from them. Sure you might have an “arrangement,” but I wouldn’t trust a man who’s only invested in me to the point of getting sex to tell me the truth about literally anything.

Also I feel that the casual sex hook-up culture movement thinly veiled as “female empowerment” serves MEN, end of story. Whether or not you feel like you’re letting yourself be used for sex, FWB relationships fall into this category because they still teach men that being low effort is fine. Why go through manipulating a pickme and stringing her along for sex, when you can find a woman who’s willing to give you free sex on the regular because you “made an arrangement?” Unless they get off on the mind games, an FWB relationship is literally less effort than one with a pickme. Men aren’t inclined to seek out real relationships if they’re getting free sex, we’ve proved this. And if someone catches feelings, I sure as hell wouldn’t want the beginning of my relationship to be, “well we were fucking for a while and then I realized wow she’s actually pretty cool.”

There are plenty of dildos on the market, I’d rather have one that goes back into the drawer when I no longer need it instead of someone dusty-ing up my door pretending they’re my “friend.”

**Disclaimer: If you want/have an FWB do you sis, it’s your body. Your choices aren’t my business, just know you’re creating more low effort men for the pool.

Lady_Schmoobleydong · 2020-02-13T12:11:30+00:00

I had an FWB for a couple months, it was only a few times and we were quite frankly using each other. But it was something that I needed, I needed a man to touch me, and then it was done and I was better for it. He tried to contact me a few years ago but he didn’t know I was in a relationship with the man I’ve since married. If you are both sure of what the consequences of an FWB relationship and wanna risk it, go ahead, but if you think it’ll be an issue in the end, don’t do it.

ghygdryhchmmmmjj · 2020-02-13T13:47:18+00:00

I understand the sentiment I'm just sad. I had so many bad experiences with Fwb, that I ended up here. If Fwb had been great and fulfilling and lead to me finding a HVM some how I would not be here at all. If a super model gymnast was only town one night and we hooked up and said good bye today I'd probably be fine with it. WITH A CONDOM. But that's not even a Fwb situation. That's a one night stand. Those also carry lots of risks. I championed Fwb while I was doing it alot. Defended against all the hvw around me who were concerned about my feelings and their feelings. I CRINGE back at all the situations I defended while silently suppressing all my feelings. I can no longer picture a scenario where a man is attractive enough for me to consider having sex with, but finding no emotional connection. Yes they all treated me really well. At first. I had 5 at once one time. I had a couple years of this. Left me feeling like absolute crap not like a pimp lol. Guys deep down dont respect you if you do that. I hate it so much but its true. If you do that they just dont respect you. I hate that. I wouldn't be here if that fact didnt exist. And the kind of guys that would respect you dont go for the Fwb situations... with you. And if God forbid you fall in love with one you now made it impossible for them to respect you. On the flippedy- Its not cool to exploit men who love you into being the consistent back up Fwb because they will keep holding out in Hope's of more. I graduated to here from r/life after narcissist abuse. If you use feminism as excuse to be manipulative and then you're just a shit person. Sure it was necessary for me to experiment with Fwb at the time. I had to do it to learn why I didnt want to do it anymore. I think though, a good way to handle this I'm going to just not comment or upvote Fwb stuff. It's not that it isnt allowed it just seems counterintuitive to the point if fds. Sex itself can be a great thing. But due to all the unspoken rules men have where they view us a certain way, we need fds to have our own unspoken rules back. We dont all need to agree to coexist here haha. So in general maybe the classy approach to posts that are bothersome is to ignore them rather than ignite them. I agree with that 100%. If you disagree just scroll past. Shrug.

extraacct1234 · 2020-02-13T19:30:32+00:00

This is not a liberal feminist choosy choice space OP. This is a space about women making smart choices. We're not here to pretend choices are consequence free just because somebody wanted to do it.

FrauDunkleSchokolade · 2020-02-13T15:25:41+00:00

"Can we let the FWB thing go please?"

OP- proceeds to make a post about how fwbs are fine and anyone who says otherwise isn't feminist.

You're just trying to get in the last word, which is kinda manipulative.

coolestgirlyoueverme · 2020-02-13T15:27:37+00:00

Isn't this sub about maximizing female benefit? So then this depends what you are looking for.

When I knew I was going to be in a certain city for only a few months I was only looking for flings/casual relationships there. I had a great time with someone that I saw no future with. We are still friends actually. This benefitted me.

Now, casual relationships are not something I am looking for as I am no longer in that situation of moving all the time.

desperatefucktoy30 · 2020-02-13T15:13:00+00:00

I'm simply sharing my experience, I don't expect others to feel the same.

I am at a stage in life where I don't want a long term partner. I'm having more fun with hooking up and having friends with benefits.

This works for me right now. When I want to settle down, obviously my lifestyle would change but I enjoy the seemingly endless amount of sex I get now.

I enjoy my life. If I feel different, I'll be on the hunt for a HVM. Meanwhile, I'm doing my own thing. I crochet, play the uke, and study up for when I go back to school for mechanical engineering. I know I'm a HVF and it does happen where guys get attached but shaking them off is not a problem.

FrauDunkleSchokolade · 2020-02-13T13:33:19+00:00

Ok, I have read the comments and heard you. In that case, why don't we take a firm stance against FWB? As far as I know, it isn't explicitly mentioned in the handbook ? (I stand to be corrected). And then perhaps warning or deleting pro FWB Pickmeishas? In the same way FDS takes a strong stance against BDSM.

Pogojen · 2020-02-13T17:10:27+00:00

I agree. I saw this happen to ShitRedditSays, there was momentum in the subreddit growing and then the mods started cracking down on members and now the subreddit is barely relevant anymore. TheDonald, Redpill, and MGTOW don't attack their own members. The left always attacks itself, that's why it has so much division and can never be a cohesive whole that defeats the altright.

Title	Can we let the FWB‘s go please?
Author	FrauDunkleSchokolade
Upvotes	109
Comments	56
Date	February 13, 2020 10:22 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f37zrq/can_we_let_the_fwbs_go_please/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/can-we-let-the-fwbs-go-please.693847 https://theredarchive.com/post/693847

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