Never let a man know how bad he hurt you

zorra666 · 2021-03-16T20:31:35+00:00

I discovered, at the moment of my last breakup, how valuable this advice is. I discovered his (serial) cheating and I did not entertain his lies and excuses. I simply told him what I discovered and that he needed to give me cash for a plane ticket to my preferred tropical paradise (I was visiting him abroad where he had recently moved and wasn't going to waste my vacation time) and pay for my stay there. I tallied it up. Turns out, my perpetually broke bf just happened to have a few thousand dollars in cash lying around. No discussion. I think he was afraid I would tell his partner (that I just discovered) and that, by paying me off, I would keep my mouth shut.

I didn't yell or scream. I simply firmly requested what I deserved. Within a few hours, I was on a plane to a beautiful beach in Sri Lanka where I spilled my heart out to the kind women at the resort and texted friends for support. And blocked him on everything.

Oh, and contacted every woman he knew and shared my story. His now ex partner is lovely.

mackenzie013 · 2021-03-16T21:50:03+00:00

I agree to an extent, but also; you should do whatever you want to make yourself feel better.

I used to be the opposite (and not just with bf but anyone who has hurt me); I’d hold my composure and block them, and their existence was dead to me pretty much. But, I found that wasn’t working well for me to be able to move on or to honour what I’m feeling.

I agree, don’t fall apart infront of an idiot who hurt you in a hopeless attempt to get back together. However, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing anger, sadness, or any emotion really. It’s not about them understanding or knowing, it’s about you having the opportunity and outlet to do so. And obviously block, and delete. 😊

My emotional well-being had actually skyrocket after I made some changes in that direction.

dembar126 · 2021-03-16T21:40:57+00:00

I've made this mistake before. When my ex cheated, I mistakenly believed if I could just use the exact right combination of words to explain how I felt, the guilt and shame would hit him like a ton of bricks & he would feel the pain I felt. I thought I had power this way.

Lmaoo. Holy shit. He was probably loving it. All that power over my emotions? Why in the world would that make him feel bad?

Never again. I've often wished I could go back and deny him the satisfaction and pleasure of having me pour my heart out to him. But at least I know better now.

oddcharm · 2021-03-17T01:18:21+00:00

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Pahapan · 2021-03-17T02:11:36+00:00

My abusive ex practically bragged to me that one of his previous girlfriends had told him he'd ruined her life. He mentioned it more than once. He fucking loved knowing that he'd left psychological scars. They really, really don't need to know how badly they hurt you. It won't change them (that would require a level of empathy they simply don't possess) and it won't give you the catharsis you so desperately want. It just gets filed away in their depraved mental masturbation repository. They derive a disturbing amount of satisfaction out of knowing they destroyed something beautiful, like a rose crushed in their fist. Never give them that sense of satisfaction and power. The best response is to go complete no-contact, let them feel how insignificant they are (and even if you can't truly think of them this way, straight up fake it), and focus on yourself. Go back to school, put yourself up for that promotion at work, adopt a dog, find a new hobby. Replace them with something positive that improves your life.

not_a_paper_pusher · 2021-03-16T21:39:13+00:00

I’m struggling with this today.

I used to be able to do this, in 2012, when I found the woman my ex husband cheated with, I gave him one last chance to tell me the truth then nothing. I asked my mam to get the marriage certificate from him, and tell him to transfer the divorce fees. I filed for divorce within a few days and didn’t speak to him again for seven years (a one off, I won’t speak to him again).

Last year, I made a new friend. He love bombed, manipulated, abused, assaulted, raped, stonewalled and breadcrumbed me before ending the friendship (via a mutual friend) when he secured a new supply. Same as the commenter above, I didn’t realise exactly what was happening until later, I learned so many new words about the abuse cycle.

I have made him aware of how hurt I was/am several times; directly while we were friends then indirectly via the police, and by warning his girlfriend (who I assume showed him everything I wrote). It is painful for me to know that he knows I still suffer for what he did to me. The latest is that I gave the police a statement about the rape, if they interview him, he’ll find out that I am still suffering, talking about it, and still not over it. He’s the type of person op is talking about in that he will enjoy knowing he is still on my mind.

He told me that “women fall in love with him and turn crazy“ so everything I have done will be “see, she’s in love and crazy”.

I would love to know if anyone has any strategies to take back my own power?

This man lives in my community, I haven’t seen him since the end of the friendship (June) but I will bump into him again and I do not want to lose my dignity over and over

2340000 · 2021-03-16T20:33:21+00:00

When I was in the thick of healing this was the hardest to get over because I didn't know I was assaulted, abused, and coerced until AFTER he ghosted. He claimed I was "negative" and causing him emotional distress for bringing up his treatment of me. Needless to say I was livid and didn't want him to escape that easily.

Abusers thrive when their "victims" are visibly affected. They get an ego boost from that.

That's why we always go no contact, block and delete👌

Franchesca8899 · 2021-03-17T01:03:57+00:00

I’m 22F and my highschool crush swiped me on a dating app last year. I was over the moon. We hooked up but didn’t go all the way. I told him that I was a virgin and he was shocked but really understanding. He gave me a pep talk about how girls get very emotional and I need to sort that out before I do anything with him. I thought I had found the person I wanted to do it with.

I was wrong. As things progressed his behaviour changed. He ignored pictures that I would send him which he would usually compliment me for. He stopped messaging me at civil timings and only called me at 3am, sometimes apologising for ignoring me and begging me to come see him. I would usually say no but my insecurity got the best of me.

The night that we went all the way he behaved like a completely different person. He threw the condom at me when I asked him to find one. He was critical and dominant. He was drunk and mean. He pushed me into positions that were really painful.

He barely cared about my pain. He refused to go down on me and said he only did it to partners which left me feeling worthless. Especially because he didn’t tell me beforehand that he doesn’t do this and I had been going down on him the entire time.

I tried to pretend like nothing happened but I’m lowkey insane now because of this experience. I’m on antidepressants and going through trauma counselling. I’ve blocked him.

I keep craving closure as to why he treated me like that. I want to talk him about how badly he destroyed my life over the past five months. I want to tell him what he did gave me PTSD and he destroyed me. But I won’t. I don’t want to give him that satisfaction.

BellaMob · 2021-03-16T22:16:16+00:00

Expressing feelings to LVM only wastes your precious energy and ads to their ego. He will feel important because he can cause someone to feel pain. He might claim otherwise but in reality he will tell all his friends and the next woman.

Block and delete is the best way to deal with an ex.

Dexaroo5716 · 2021-03-17T02:34:31+00:00

Mine laughed in my face when I caught him cheating.

vaguelinen · 2021-03-17T02:15:48+00:00

I have to see my ex because we have a child together. He’s a complete narcissist and my indifference drives him mad. For ages I tried to reason with him (to be a better father) but I’ve stopped doing that and am getting much better at not giving explanations for my decisions. He’s a tedious bit of life admin to me and nothing more.

Saitschik · 2021-03-16T23:36:51+00:00

If you take a breakup or them confessing they are "not ready to commit" with ease and just disappear with a smile they usually first have a surprised pikachu face and later on they come crawling back.

However, letting out your emotions is healthy as well I think or at least not something to beat yourself over if it happened.

But taking it with grace and just walking away is definitely the better option and will later on make you proud of yourself, so sound advice.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-03-17T03:44:59+00:00

[deleted]

spicyspa · 2021-03-17T03:47:33+00:00

I haven't dated in awhile.

The last man I dated fortunately didn't do this to me, though he was a douche in other ways. He was the first person in a long while that I felt certain wouldn't just say, "That was great, but you know we're not in a relationship." In fact, when he broke up, he said we were in a relationship. That was the first time in a long time that a man had ever said that. Actually, I never did. I held off saying anything about it or whether we were girlfriend/boyfriend, in love. I didn't even say that when I responded to his break up message. I'm sooooooo glad I didn't. I feel a great sense of accomplishment over that and plan to repeat that next time.

I'm reluctant to date a man for a lot of reasons, the most recent is that I'm really enjoying my alone time now. One reason keeps vexing me is the feeling after a seemingly loving round of lovemaking (hopefully it'll be a long courtship before that) and snuggling only to be told, "That was great, but you know we're not in a relationship." Who hasn't heard some version of this?

It's almost as if once I've dropped my guard and became vulnerable, my heart swelling like a balloon only to be popped. I just hate it. It's rare that I haven't been disappointed or haven't had my bubble burst in other realms.

So, I've gotten to the part of the story that nearly every woman has had experience with - the cold hard truth. I get it - if you're at his place, go. If he's at your place, have him leave.

How can we be emotionally and strategically prepared before the bubble popping event arrives so that being cold and detached is easier? I think I might buy something to remind me like ice cube earrings or a necklace, lol. Any suggestions like Emotion-numbing herbal remedies, etc?

I want to be prepared next time.

beliebeigh · 2021-03-17T04:34:55+00:00

This is such a great (and timely!) reminder in the midst of my current breakup. I was indeed tempted to write my NVM ex a stupid email detailing all the ways he failed me ... but I decided FUCK THAT.

I made my needs and wants very clear to him from day one and he fully CHOSE to ignore all of it. Because he just. doesn't. care.

Don't give LVM's a CRUMB of attention, ladies. Negative or not, it's still attention and he's still living rent-free in your head. And all NVM/LVMs loooooooove that.

Also, tons of kudos to OP. I absolutely adore all your posts in this sub and your username gives me life.

Bless.

Struggleis4real · 2021-03-17T01:37:16+00:00

Dang it this reminds me of a previous scenario where my ex-bf made a comment (I now know it’s triangulation) that really hurt my feelings (me thinking wtf is wrong with me), so I excused myself to the bathroom to cry it out (still working on that), and then he came looking for me in the bathroom and was offended I was crying. WTH ugh.

secularwitch · 2021-03-17T09:30:47+00:00

They LLLLLOVE when your "feelings" that he gives 0 shit about are hurt because it means a)someone cared about them more than they cared, b)they love the attention you give to them even if that attention is negative like arguing, yelling, explaining why he is wrong etc. They do not listen to your arguments and how you make sense. Men does not listen (like rrrreeeally listen) when women talk about their mistakes. Their communication language is not real conversation, but it is actions and disinterest. Ignore the guy and remove yourself from him. That will (unfortunately) communicate him so much better than nicely worded, coincise logical points you make in a conversation. So next time you need a closure, a "talk" or when you want him to know he is mistaken, zip it up, never talk about it, simply remove yourself and your energy towards him. He'll 100% understand even if he doesn't contact you back.

_queeeen_ · 2021-03-17T01:40:27+00:00

Some of them do it to get off on their power over you. Block and delete.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-03-17T08:27:49+00:00

Why do I agree with this? Because I lived it and I can say 100% that it is true! There is massive sadism at work. Any man who hurts a woman does so because he enjoys it. There is no accidental hurt there.

And yes, I can also vouch for the fact that they enjoy listening to you listing as many hurts as possible that they contributed to. Somehow it makes them feel all alpha and strong and self-righteous.

Onextto0 · 2021-03-17T13:40:49+00:00

When I cried infront of my ex, because I found out he cheated, he told me he got turned on when he saw me with tears in my eyes...

spicyspa · 2021-03-17T04:22:29+00:00

By the way thanks for the post. We need to hear this repeatedly

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my_curated_life · 2021-03-17T18:50:25+00:00

This is so golden!

Never let a man know how bad he hurt you

We all want closure but men are not the ones to give it to us. We need to give it to ourselves.

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