I’m older than the average FDSer so I think this discussion may not resonate for many of you but put it in the bank for later as a perspective NOT advice. Also, this might be specific to where I live because it is notorious for having a high volume of flakey and people with narcissistic tendencies.

“Platonic dating” is almost as difficult as dating men.

I am frequently pursued by women for what I think is an acquaintanceship or the hopes of an eventual friendship. I match women’s energy but this is often women who initiate, reach out to me, invite me out and express that they would like to get to know me better. We will hang out a few times and then they disappear. Then, similar to 🤡🤡 men, they pop up weeks, months or even years later.

I used to “give the benefit of the doubt” and say “Obvi they are really busy and life got in the way”. They would say “Hey, sorry I dropped off. Looking to reconnect.” Or some variation thereof. I would respond “Ok. When are you thinking?” And they would disappear AGAIN! And they would reappear again!

I hypothesize that these pop up women (vs women who have naturally faded out) are in “Pickme” energy. Here are some reasons:

  1. They are used to chasing/pursuing people so when you begin to reciprocate and are emotionally available- it freaks them out. Much the way some women cannot handle receiving from good men and have trauma bonded and feel compelled to be with bad men, Pickmes cannot see that they aren’t available for a healthy friendship. In fact, it scares them if you reciprocate or initiate because they are accustomed to doing all of the heavy lifting in a relationship- even in their friendships they are in the habit of chasing. They are accustomed to their friends flaking and being unreliable so they think it is okay to show up that way with other people. They think you are needy or clingy when you respond within hours or days (vs weeks or months). They would rather be the ones to always initiate, plan, etc and will actually resent you or be repulsed by your efforts to match their energy or reciprocate. And be careful about being generous because it can be perceived as “having strings attached” or because you will expect something. I think these women have a low tolerance for anything more than a surface friendship.

  2. They are “friendship breadcrumbing”. They knew what they did wasn’t ok but felt guilty so they reached out again to alleviate their guilt. They don’t actually want to hang out but it feels better to them to feel like they are offering closure in some bizarre way- even if they reach out months or years later when you have already moved on. Gives me virtual co- dependent vibes. When they run out of other options, they reach out to the people who they’ve blown off for validation. If you do validate them, they do not respect you as understanding, they see you as a doormat just as your ex-boyfriends do. They were not looking to rekindle your friendship but for you to validate that they are a “good” person.

  3. Digital boundaries and why I block platonic acquaintances that think it is okay to pop up at their convenience? When people have easy access to you, they do not respect your time/ space as much. Kind of like how people feel ownership or their favorite athletes/celebrities. If I didn’t block, I would likely have dozens if not into the hundreds of people popping up into my life at random. On average, 1 person/relative stranger per week asks me for coffee. And it also happens on my Instagram as well.

Where I live it is called a “California Invite”. A woman will say, “Let’s have coffee/hang out.” You say, “Ok, when?” They will look at you like one eye ball fell out of your head and sometimes they will say “I’m soo busy.” Then why did you just ask me to hang out? I have lived here for 15 years and I have never gotten accustomed to this. I have learned to stop following up because if they are really interested they will follow up.

Many of these women struggle to honor really basic boundaries- like when I say I’ve only got 10 minutes to talk. Then they get a bit angry when I end the phone call at 10 minutes- like I told them I needed to at the beginning of the conversation! I have never approximated being a celebrity but I see why they are so guarded about who has access to them! Pickmes are in a worldview/mindset that if you make it too easy for them you must live life on “easy mode”. Your firm, enforced boundaries are offensive to their poor boundaries. Just like your high standards make them resent you instead of themselves level up.

I think strangers see me in the world and want to befriend me because they erroneously believe I am a “cool girl”, that I’ve got tons of friends and high status/money. I am not a cool girl, I have a circle of 3 friends (lots of aquaintances) that I adore because I am now so boundaried about who I spend time with/. I am conventionally attractive and I was successful in my former career. I live within my means and I’m stylish. I’m not ostentatious or into designer handbags or things that might attract materialistic people.

I am very much about progressive policies that give access to a better quality of life for everyone. I am in favor of “socialist” policies like universal health care but I am not okay with community penis and I am exhausted giving everyone so many chances. I’m not saying discriminate against people. I am saying that the 3 things I seek integrity, honesty and consistency are exceedingly rare when attempting to make new HVW friends.

This is why I now understand the #nonewfriends bus. I still will make new friends but I write this for anyone who is kind of baffled by how perplexing it can be in finding women of like mind.

Or maybe this is a cautionary tale?🥶 PROTECT YOUR ENERGY!