Anyone leave for these reasons?

Fluid-Translator-160 · 2025-01-17T15:16:55+00:00

Yup! Two kids and dealt with the same thing on the daily. Nothing I did was ever good enough, from baths to dinner to the house to if I sat in the couch and relaxed for 10 min. Made her a sahm even and she resented it because “she watched the kids more than I did”. Put one in daycare because of it and still was mad. Once you’re to that point where you feel the way you do and she views you like that, it’s hard to come back from it. She has all the control and will manipulate you to your breaking point.

Confident-Insurance6 · 2025-01-16T01:06:18+00:00

That’s exactly why I left

Zealousideal_Try_864 · 2025-01-15T03:39:44+00:00

Yes. Yes. Correct. Couldn’t have explained it better myself. I couldn’t either. You don’t need to suck anything up. You know what you need to do. It’s best for all of you.

Cvdiva · 2025-01-15T01:34:21+00:00

Wow… exactly why I left! Keep it up and you will have the same results

Smoovie32 · 2025-01-14T23:44:35+00:00

Same situation, but I responded by not engaging in her picking. There were times where I checked her, calmly, but you have to choose your boundaries on that. Mine were contradicting or undermining my parenting in front of the kids, being transparent about whereabouts, and disrespecting me in front of anyone but especially family.

It was a slow process, but the boundaries and seeing that the kids actually do enjoy being with their father eventually led her to wanting separation. Once she went down that path, I gave effort to try and reconcile, but she tried to make it about things she wanted to see me change. I worked on myself for six months until 100% of the feedback I was getting from friends, neighbors, coworkers, and therapist were clearly stating I am not the issue. Do the work, but don’t take the blame when it isn’t yours.

At that point I went full grey rock and provided her no resolution aside from pursuing divorce. And this is the part I want you to hear: there is a phrase in Christian theology that states “the peace that passes understanding.” When she is out of your daily existence, that peace is what you feel.

Some think of it as emptiness, for others it can create anxiety. For me, even in the short bursts when she is on trips the peace is joyful. Just be still and be with your kids. They will cherish that and you will see your path clearly during those times. Good luck.

kingrobin · 2025-01-14T23:13:54+00:00

You guys need to reset. You can get through it if you both want to.

DoughnutObjective806 · 2025-01-14T21:58:57+00:00

Sounds like she's picking fights to sabotage the marriage.

If you're a decent guy she might realize you're not gonna give her a silver bullet for divorce. So..they'll resort to this. They'll stay at it for a year, two, five whatever. Until they can go "wow look at how much we now fight, I'm exasperated my only choice is to divorce"

Ok-Elephant4746 · 2025-01-14T21:13:37+00:00

I left for this very reason. Been savoring the bliss ever since.

aquatic-dreams · 2025-01-14T20:35:52+00:00

It's next to impossible to live like that. A couple years of that preceeded my divorce.

You might want to talk to her. Let her complain and don't offer advice unless she asks for it. More than likely she is struggling, frustrated, angry, resentful, ect... and wants to feel heard, understood and validated. That can help calm things down for a bit, but anything outside of that will probably piss her off.

Always protect your boundaries. If she crosses one, stand up for yourself. It doesn't matter if she lashes out. Defend yourself. Do not be passive. Stay calm, be that male emotional rock who uses logic and reason. Don't get suckered into a game of emotions. If you don't stand up for yourself, she will just keep getting meaner and crossing boundaries, she is testing your manhood and your emotional strength. Stay calm. When she did her shit tests at the beginning of your relationship, how did you react? I'm guessing you were light hearted and playful , have no shits. Try acting similarly but don't let her walk all over you. If you are passive, she will find you less attractive, treat your worse, and you'll look weak in her eyes. And that is the sort of thing that will just increase how crappy she treats you and increases her frustration, anger, and resentment. And continue her on her path towards deciding to divorce. So either react playfully, like you did at the beginning of the relationship and she probably had fun with it, and found you more attractive for it. Or stay calm and just be direct about protecting your boundaries.

This sort of thing is what leads to a lot of divorces. She is basically proving herself right about how bad things are, and in doing so and acting like this, she is showing you that you two are no longer teammates and it is fine to startloving for yourself again So I would act accordingly Hit the gym, start growing your social network, take classes, join Meetups, refresh your look, start doing more things you want to do, sometimes invite her, most of the time just go do your thing. Odds are, that the more you are independent, working on yourself, and doing your own thing, the more attractive you will look to her. And if you two do divorce, you will have taken care of a lot of things that make divorce hard.

Your self care emotionally, physically, and financially should be your first priority. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your two little ones.

206to604 · 2025-01-14T20:12:21+00:00

I highly recommend you look into BPD. It enlightened me in your same situation. I have 3 kids and it helped me understand that staying is not the best choice for the kids.

whiskeytango13 · 2025-01-14T18:42:58+00:00

Dude, it's so hard to tell your wife to back the fuck off. I've learned #1 is be calm, stay calm #2 is explain exactly how i perceive her "hen pecking", which she see's as something completely different. That's where we are at, it's not easy, but i love my wife and daughter and we are better off than most people. So i choose to learn how to figure out how i need to react to this.

tonysiricoshairline · 2025-01-14T17:18:47+00:00

Sounds like my soon to be ex wife. Good luck friend. Try your best to get out. Ultimately, that's best for everyone. I know it might not be easy, certainly is/was not for me.

pmbrenner91 · 2025-01-14T16:50:18+00:00

get out now

Mammoth-Push-2612 · 2025-01-14T16:29:00+00:00

I can understand what you went through. Very relatable. My wife is always looking for reasons to blame me.... Even when it is her fault. If anything goes wrong with her... It is my fault... She never takes on responsibility and never finds fault in her actions. According to her.... She is perfect.

no-more-nazis · 2025-01-14T16:25:28+00:00

I had those reasons- same two little kids and everything. Didn't leave, tried to salvage it, and eventually she left when it was convenient for her.

CustardChemical8436 · 2025-01-14T16:10:21+00:00

Financial control, gets me in debt never contributed to helping pay it off. Her money was her money my money was her money. Was sat on a sun bed on holiday thinking how long it will take to pay off the credit card which paid for the holiday. At the same time she’s trying to book the next holiday.

Strong-Adeptness270 · 2025-01-14T15:19:59+00:00

I would leave the relationship. The henpecking and fighting doesn't get better. If you're losing control and getting angry, she could use it in court or to have you arrested. You don't want to end up with an injunction against your home or your kids. You dont need to live like that anyways

Furthestprism81 · 2025-01-14T15:09:35+00:00

Neglect. Herself. The house, and me doing my best to care for it was never good enough, always things I missed. The kids The shopping. I, a(later, the kids as well) was the reason she couldn’t get a routine in. Was my fault she didn’t learn to cook/meal plan. “Every time you touch me it leads to sex” (barely 6 months into marriage, we both had waited) And the fact I worked a high stress job, with long hours led to me “abandoning” and “neglecting” her. Eventually i decided that I couldn’t take it any more. If I’m doing my house by myself, I’m doing my house by myself. I didn’t marry to get a lazy, critical roommate.

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2025-01-14T14:52:24+00:00

Me. I was married for 20 years and looking back, I feel like I was never appreciated and nothing was ever done to her liking.

Just a couple examples.

Driving? I either didn’t take the right route, didn’t stop gradually enough or even wasn’t centered in the lane (intentionally to give me more space on the other side for some obstacle). I can’t tell you how many times I either threatened or actually pulled over to have her take over driving - she never did.

Cleaning? Nothing was ever clean enough. If I vacuumed, she’d say, “did you clean the floorboards? Meanwhile, as a SAHM, she did only minimal (dishes, mostly) cleaning, herself.

Death by 1,000 paper cuts. Part of what drove me to drink daily, to escape my misery.

We went to dinner twice, post divorce, when our two sons each graduated high school. Both times, listening to her talk at the table, I thought, “And THIS is why we got divorced: I don’t miss this shit.”

sleekice · 2025-01-14T14:48:49+00:00

I stumbled upon this page by mistake and honestly, y'all breaking my heart.

DaveTheDrummer802 · 2025-01-14T14:12:49+00:00

My wife does need some control of every situation. For example, she complains about having to grocery shop (I do too, because she gets all the garbage we don't need, then forgets the basics that we DO need). I have told her multiple times that I will take over grocery shopping (I do all the cooking anyways) and it never happens. She almost immediately takes it back over. Same with vacations. I told her I would start planning our vacations, and that's just not going to happen. Even though she complains about always having to plan vacation.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2025-01-14T13:10:09+00:00

I completely understand your situation. Like you, I felt constantly criticised and never seemed to do anything right, even though I handled most of the cleaning, washing, and ironing after I got home from work; she worked, too.

We had two sons, and ultimately, they were my main focus. However, how she escalated arguments upset them, and I started preparing to leave her. She ended up running off with my best friend, which, honestly, didn’t bother me.

Unfortunately, she returned about 6 to 12 months later and poisoned the lawyer pool in our town, even involving my friend, who was my lawyer. I had to hire someone from out of town, which complicated things, and I ended up losing everything—most painfully, I lost my sons.

If you're considering seeing a lawyer, please choose the best one you can find and get your affairs in order first. Start a stash of cash that only you know about, as you don’t want to find yourself locked out of your accounts.

I’d also recommend reading the following books: - "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" - "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - "Grey Rocking" - "Doing the 180"

You can find these books online; they provide valuable insight into your partner’s mindset.

Be your best dad, and make your kids the centre of your universe when you’re with them. Remember, children are often more intuitive than we realise and can tell when we’re not being honest. Never promise something you can’t deliver.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but you’re not alone. If you need help, ask; many people here have been through what you’re experiencing now.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2025-01-14T12:35:53+00:00

I did, essentially. For good measure, my wife tossed in alcoholism, anger management issues, and undisclosed BPD. But yeah, many men get tired of being pecked to death.

Miserable_Ad_1172 · 2025-01-14T12:19:10+00:00

Sorry this is happening man. I’m lucky in regard that when our second child was born she made the decision to end the marriage. I often think the reality of my future would have been what you describe now. I didn’t want to break up the family and I was fairly content but she changed a lot after children. Helicopter parenting,nagging,never being good enough, emotions tied into everything. I played my part too. If you both go to therapy and can work through the issues you have both as individuals and partners then that would be best for the children but if she’s not willing to look at her faults too then it’s only going to get worse. You both have to actively want to save and rebuild your relationship.

I hope you get peace one way another mate.

The-Ex-Human · 2025-01-14T12:15:03+00:00

I thought that’s just what marriage is

Title	Anyone leave for these reasons?
Author	TheBAT65
Upvotes	39
Comments	60
Date	January 14, 2025 12:11 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1i14o8j/anyone_leave_for_these_reasons/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/anyone-leave-for-these-reasons.1541162 https://theredarchive.com/post/1541162

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