Claiming Alcohol Issues (CA, US)

SkeptiCynical · 2024-01-16T14:51:21+00:00

Alcoholism isn't a crime. Drinking isn't a crime. In most states, weed is legal (IDK the local variations of legality in CA). Anecdotally, even casual illegal drug use won't affect custody arrangements unless there's a legal or health issue. This isn't criminal court.

Don't get too excited or let the lawyers get your hackles up. This is where they make their money - letting the two of you fight over inarguable positions in the preliminary hearings.

There is 0 chance she will get full custody unless you are incarcerated or involuntarily committed - even in California.

You can ignore her accusations because they hold no weight. They're ploys to get you to concede other demands in the SA or divorce agreement. They don't rise to an actionable Family Court offense. They've heard it all before. Don't address it.

If either of you has a drug or drinking problem and a legal or health "event" arises during the process, the court may order drug and alcohol testing but this is super rare - and both of you will have to submit to the same tests. My attorney gave the story of a guy whose ex accused him of being on cocaine, judge orders tests on everyone, she's the one who banged positive for coke at the first test.

Your lawyer will confirm. None of this holds any weight while you're negotiating, and there's no basis for a judge to assign more custody or residential custody based on an accusation of someone drinking.

Xan-Diesel · 2024-01-19T16:35:55+00:00

My ex-wife left for her affair partner on 5/29/2020. Our divorce was finalized in July of 2021. We maintained 50/50 custody of our kids for 3.5 years. At the end of August 2023 I was arrested for two domestic violence felonies based on lies from the woman I was seeing at the time. It was unrelated to my ex-wife, our kids and - of course - I didn't harm this woman. I was the victim.

My ex-wife used my arrest to obtain a temporary restraining order. I was already back to work by the time it was filed with the court. I was served the day I was supposed to get our kids (exchange day was a Friday). I've never had a physical altercation with my ex-wife or kids, ever.

There isn't a single piece of paperwork from CPS or the police in existence with regard to hostility or violence or even threats of violence for the duration of our sixteen years together. My ex-wife told the court I was a violent, alcoholic drug addict that wanted to hurt her and our kids. I'd lay in front of traffic for our children. Her claims were absurd and had no evidence to back them up.

Ultimately, despite my countering of her claims in my response (as well as letters written from family and friends), the judge ordered me to complete 52-weeks of batterers intervention courses, a substance abuse assessment and to complete drug testing coordinated with my ex-wife's lawyer.

Keep in mind - I *still* haven't been to trial for the criminal charges. I've been ordered to batterers intervention despite the presumption of innocence in an UNRELATED criminal case. No testimony from witnesses about my "alcoholism" or talking about my "drug addiction". Still ordered to complete a substance abuse assessment ($229 later) and the lawyers ridiculous drug testing.

This imbecile told me he wanted blood testing because it was better than urine. What? The entire states probation department uses UA because its more affordable and tests a longer period of time, but suuuuuure. I couldn't find anybody to do a blood draw drug panel for me despite the court order and had to get a follicle test instead. I haven't heard back from the lawyers office even after submitting the follicle (and a UA I asked my insurance provider for) but I'm confident he'll be upset because it wasn't what he asked for. All of this on my dime. None of the results they were "hoping for" though it doesn't matter because she got full custody, which is what she wanted anyway.

Family court is much different than criminal court. They can do and say whatever they want and hide behind "the best interests of the children" with no recourse for you.

Now I have to beat my criminal case and file a fresh motion for order in the civil case to get custody of my kids back. It's been five months and nothing has happened in the criminal case but the family court has completely and fundamentally destroyed my life. Fighting an uphill battle is an understatement.

*EDIT* I should add that during CA-mandatory mediation: I offered to use an application called SoberLink while I had our kids and submit to drug testing (because I don't have a drinking problem and I'm not a drug user). My ex-wife rejected everything. She knew none of the things she was saying were true but just saying them was enough to win.

dudefromyork · 2024-01-17T10:24:42+00:00

So. Maybe do this.

Get your retaliation in first. Hit her with that claim before she can do it to you. Maybe bait her into an argument you can record when you know she’s had a drink.

Ptsdveterannavy · 2024-01-16T20:24:33+00:00

I drink, and she brought it up in Court to Judge. Because I have no alcohol related incidents, Judge never blinked. "Hearsay, don't sweat that.

Least_Attorney9006 · 2024-01-16T16:16:28+00:00

My advice?

Only do it if she does it too.

My ex is trying to paint me as an alcoholic. I was more than willing to use it to prove that I wasn’t some got it set up.

I was court ordered to do it three times a day when I have the kids overnight. No problem.

I tested three times a day EVERY DAY for three months to show I don’t have a problem.

However, if you screw up and miss a test (because you fell asleep, for example), your ex is going to jump all over you to say you were “hiding” something.

I have only had problems with administering the test and not that I have tested positively. Regardless, it has been used against me time and time again.

I’ve been doing it for over three years and it is just being used as a weapon, not to actually demonstrate that I am unfit.

i_am_buzz_lightyear · 2024-01-16T14:24:15+00:00

Dude... I'm in the same boat. She told the judge we would drink together. So, now we both blow into a court ordered breathalyzer (soberlink).

I did everything with the kids. Everything. Supported her in every way, including intimacy and sex. We had fun together.

Having a stable 13 yr marriage wasn't good enough and she didn't want a man that had his own ambitions, not focusing on her 100%

Anyway, we were ordered to do one blow at the start of our parenting time. Pointless for an actual alcoholic. So, I would also blow before bed to better prove my case.

In court last month they argued to the judge that that wasn't good enough even though I was doing more than required. So, they asked for 3 times a day and the judge asked me, I said no problem.... I now blow 4. Fuck their games.

Because the alcoholic shit isn't sticking, they're now claiming I'm mentally ill and need an evaluation.

Edit: like others said, I'm just calm in court, and roll with the crazy. Let them show their lies.

When she cheated and brought up divorce, she wasn't prepared to give up time with the kids. Showing she's a shit human/mom. So she's fighting for her image, not for the kids.

RichardCleveland · 2024-01-16T14:01:09+00:00

"Hearsay"

It's worthless in court.

If she tries to tear down your character take the high road and look like the sensible / calm parent. Do not get angry and defensive, let her rant and look unstable.

MidniteOG · 2024-01-16T11:41:58+00:00

What are you worried about with the breathalyzer? Seems straight forward

JuneCleaversMudFlaps · 2024-01-16T02:34:39+00:00

She can say whatever she wants, but unless you’re on video stumbling around, then she can’t prove it. In California you can even buy liquor at the grocery store so it’s not like your bank statements have weekly trips to a liquor store. Also, from here on out, if you go out with friends or something, use cash. Don’t give them anything they can use against you.

Peoniesandpopsicles · 2024-01-16T01:23:20+00:00

If there’s no evidence it’s just smoke and mirrors. The lawyers love it because it will drive up the legal fees. Try not to sweat it and don’t give her any evidence (ie be in control of your drinking and don’t do it around the kids).

jimsmythee · 2024-01-16T01:19:57+00:00

Fortunately she’s not the first STBXW that claims drug or alcohol abuse without any evidence. Your lawyer will know to ask for evidence of such, and she will have none. Just be sure that you don’t get any DUIs.

Bluetoes1 · 2024-01-16T01:12:18+00:00

My ex’s story was that since I was a former Marine, I had ptsd and was an alcoholic. Apparently if you drink the beer your wife buys you, you’re an alcoholic. Mind you, I was never in combat. Anyway, that’s her story for her little coven, but when it came to court, it was just more blather the judge wasn’t interested in. So, as long as she doesn’t bait you into anything, and get you arrested, it will never come up.

Embarrassed-Safe-670 · 2024-01-16T00:45:32+00:00

Same situation here. No DUI, no criminal record. If you can't prove it your just spending money.

captainchippsixx · 2024-01-16T00:10:39+00:00

Document daily like a journal. 1-15-23. 5pm. Ex speaking to attorney to attempt fraudulent accusation regarding alcohol to prevent me from seeing my children. Her lawyer says “”

WildIntroduction8618 · 2024-01-16T00:10:16+00:00

Similar experience. I loved drinking beer. And I sought it out to "turn my brain off". I didn't think I had a problem although I knew I was a heavy drinker. My wife made a similar claim and my attorney suggested I get an assessment at a well respected outpatient program. That assessment yielded a "diagnosis" of alcoholism. I was gobsmacked and furious. I was in the middle of a 30 day break suggested by our last marriage counselor. I never had any legal issues or DUIs. But I entered their 16 week program anyway. I resisted a lot but I went to 4 AA meetings a week. I got a sponsor and worked the steps. It's the best thing I've ever done. I'm 9 months sober today. I was using beer to mask a lot of personal problems, depression, low self-esteem, etc. All of this was exacerbated by a narcissistic wife but whatever. Alcohol was holding me back.

I haven't started yet but soon will be doing a 6 month stint with Sobelink Monitoring as custody hearings are likely to ramp up. I had a fantastic experience just calling them up to see what their product/service is like and the guy I spoke with couldn't have been cooler. I haven't even started yet but I'll recommend them regardless. Costs $75/week for unlimited screenings, less for less screenings per week.

Flashy_Yam967 · 2024-01-16T00:07:46+00:00

Are you an alcoholic, do you have a drink or more everyday?

Title	Claiming Alcohol Issues (CA, US)
Author	manmyth
Upvotes	13
Comments	38
Date	January 15, 2024 11:57 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/197o7an/claiming_alcohol_issues_ca_us/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/claiming-alcohol-issues-ca-us.1243059 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243059

Comments