Comparing progress with ex

Ecstatic_Bite_866 · 2025-01-31T06:11:50+00:00

She has a head start. For you, the relationship ending is new. This is something that you're just learning about. She went through all this already. This part was behind her before you ever knew about it. She now has the freedom from the relationship that she helped build that she decided she wanted a long time ago.

probebeta · 2025-01-26T06:53:21+00:00

Delete her entirely from your life, no photos, no social media. It helps delete her friends too. No contact with her. Then start implementing this self improvement, but not to compare yourself with her but because you want to have successes of your own. Raise your market value, work out, look good, date some young sexy girls. This might be bad advice but it worked for me. It's good to know that you have options, and believe me everyone can tell too.

Acherna · 2025-01-25T06:32:07+00:00

Someone posted this video and it helped me understand a lot about the same dynamic you are explaining

https://youtu.be/CztJfOmd29k?si=vj6EX0LTdvmHIevM

GreatEdubu · 2025-01-25T02:51:58+00:00

Therapy if not already.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2025-01-24T18:38:16+00:00

How do you know they post on social media?

(This is a koan)

DoughnutObjective806 · 2025-01-24T01:25:51+00:00

If no kids, you should never see or talk to her again for the rest of your life. I mean ever. Dont be her back-up plan. She wants the divorce, fucking give it to her.

A lot of women who initiate divorce tend to know years in advance. Am I implying she knew when she got married she was going to divorce you? Yeah probably.

They consider marriage an at-will situation so, it would be no water off her back to marry thinking that. It's not uncommon to marry and/or divorce just because their girl friends are doing it.

BakedCheddar88 · 2025-01-24T00:32:05+00:00

I struggle with this too, I’m three months since we filed and we still live together so I get to see and hear her moving on as if the last 15 years never happened. I take it one day at a time tbh. Some days it helps remembering that thought we filed only a few months ago, she’s been mentally done much longer. Some days that pisses me off to the point i can’t think of anything else. Some days i try and work on myself, telling myself that I’ll come out of this better than ever. Some days I’m so overwhelmed I don’t want to leave bed.

I think overall it just takes time. There is no quick fix to this, these women broke our hearts and have moved on. Just think of it like this; she got an unfair head start so it’s ok to go at your own pace. Just don’t give up. You got this brother

turnwol7 · 2025-01-23T21:04:09+00:00

Block her and move on. Dont look. She moved on before the divorce.

The only revenge is to be successful and happy. Although by then she won’t even notice.

It’s not about her now. This is about you now. Get up and don’t stop progressing in all areas of your life.

Physical fitness, mentality and income.

EvalCrux · 2025-01-23T20:49:47+00:00

Marriage is a dead institution and a modern judicial/institutional trap by women, full stop. Think of it that way and feel lucky to have gotten out earlier than later. Reset, reevaluate, and look forward to the rest of your life.

I was blindsided but in a toxic build up of a marriage and where you are at the same point. You’ll heal good luck.

And as mentioned below. Cut off your ties/access/views of her. Make your own, block her from seeing them, start anew.

No-Walk-1633 · 2025-01-23T20:01:28+00:00

You can't compare her progress to yours for many reasons, but one of them is her progress started way before asking for the divorce.

regertsrus · 2025-01-23T18:48:27+00:00

The only way to fix your bad thoughts is to make good ones. For me, dating and finding a new woman was a godsend. It was very difficult and comes with other problems, but the day i got laid was the last day i gave 2 sheits about my lying stbx. Literally getting laid fixed the gloom of losing my wife. What came next doesnt have a simple solution unfortunately. Fearing losing my kids to a pathological liar, drove me to new gloom territory. That too was eventually sorted via a very simple proccess. 3 years after leaving my home, i am at peace and experience no more gloom even inspite of 7x false police reports and multiple orders of protection based on all lies. I am living it up. You can too if you find a way to forget she exists

bind91324 · 2025-01-23T18:18:23+00:00

She has moved on for the same reason she wanted a divorce, she no longer has any feelings for you. That is your reality, following on social media is only hurting you. Saying you need to move on and stop thinking about her is easy to say, but hard to do. Yet there is no alternative, she clearly is not returning and at this point could care less about you. In time you will find someone who will love you .

Bumblebee56990 · 2025-01-23T17:51:30+00:00

Therapy and stop caring about her.

bizbunch · 2025-01-23T17:50:24+00:00

If you dont have kids. Cut her off completely, block her, got off social media.

Im sorry man this is tough. Be kind to yourself. Anyone who can move on so quickly was lying the whole time or has deep underlying issues.

You are having a normal response to such a big shakeup. Dont be hard on yourself.

I would consider watching some comedys or something, dont grind on self help when you feel this way.

Stockmeifimwrong · 2025-01-23T17:50:17+00:00

Find someone/people to talk to that have gone through similar experiences. It’s helped a lot in my situation!

Necessary-Shift-9284 · 2025-01-23T17:34:51+00:00

Block all social media that she and her friends are in. That is so huge don’t look at it. I promise it will help not to see

MonarchistExtreme · 2025-01-23T17:19:02+00:00

I would venture to guess that things aren't quite as rosy as she puts on when you interact with her. Part of it is also women are only lonely by choice. They can just go out on the street and grab a dude and have someone to spend a night with. It's different with guys. But even with that....don't believe what she is trying to make you believe. She left the marriage so it's on her to act like her life is now perfect or else she might second guess her choice. It's best to just ignore her and not react to whatever she's wanting you to react to

__Zero_____ · 2025-01-23T17:08:38+00:00

In situations like this all you can do is focus on you. The version of herself she is posting or her friends are posting are always going to seem better than they are. Everyone posts their highlight reels, and post-divorce she is probably trying to do it even more than ever, to prove to herself and others why it was a good choice. If she is happy after divorce, then of course it was a good idea right?

You decide the kind of man you want to be, the future you want for yourself. You owe it to yourself to figure that out and go for it, one day at a time. Every day try to improve a bit, whether that's working out, learning, meeting new people, hanging out with friends, etc. Grieve the relationship, be honest with yourself about the pro's and con's, and lessons learned, and be mindful of your own bad habits to limit going forward. Too much drinking, gaming, porn, ruminating, whatever it is.

Therapy is probably a good idea too, to have someone to talk through things with.

P_Galley · 2025-01-23T16:56:43+00:00

Classic dismissive avoidant. I have one too. Shame we connected with these types of people.

Feisty_Elderberry_96 · 2025-01-23T16:02:38+00:00

"I am stuck and I keep comparing my progress to her that how did she move on quickly"

Comparison is the theif of joy.

There is no competition here. Good for her if she's "happy". Focus on yourself and what you can control. If you focus on what she is doing or has done - you'll just make yourself miserable.

My ex had a bf before we were even divorced. She moved on well before our divorce even started. Typically women move on quicker then men.

LearnGrowExist · 2025-01-23T15:37:56+00:00

So, listen, I am 6 months in to separation, divorce process finally underway, after 16 years with the woman I love(d) who already seems to be so much happier now without me and with another/other(s). I can’t promise it will get better. It hasn’t felt like it ever will and I’m not even into the weeds of the actual court system yet.

But a few things that have “helped” a bit along the way: I deleted social media almost right away (didn’t even block her, just completely removed myself; a mental health flex if there ever was one). Avoided alcohol for a while (though I don’t now and it definitely contributes to the cycle of spiraling more often than not, so I recommend removing it from your life entirely if you haven’t already and can). Started going to the gym (also inconsistently, but if you can take aggression and/or anxiety and put them into another activity, especially one that forces you to be physically active, it really does feel better even temporarily and has positive health effects long term).

And, frankly… find reasons to get (and stay) good and angry. When you feel you just want to fall apart from sadness, that’s valid and legitimate. Let it happen. But sometimes, I find that anger fuels my forward motion more than any of these other things combined, especially more than weeping and falling apart (which I also still do more often than I would ever care to). And usually anger drives me to actually work out and better myself. If not out of “self-love” which is honestly starting to feel like an empty term to me now, then out of spite.

Not sure if any of this is actually helpful, but at the end of the day, we have to survive this and get through it. One mantra I came up with early on that I still have to live by when I remember: no woman is worth my life. Same goes for you.

crager34 · 2025-01-23T15:31:16+00:00

Time, but it will only get better if you want it and let it. Each day stop looking at her social media. Just block that shit! You will fail after a few days and look, then it will be a couple weeks, then months….

Feel the feels also. Stay at home and wallow, cry, be lonely. Little by little, start going out and be social. You were somebody before her, you’ll get that again. It just takes time.

Also, her speedy recovery is all the closure you need. That showed you she wasn’t in the marriage and you are better for it that she’s gone.

livefast17 · 2025-01-23T15:24:55+00:00

Not much to do to stop the thoughts other than hitting the gym and keeping yourself busy. Going through it myself. Most people say she’s been considering it for a while and then finally snap, for us it’s a shock so we’re pretty far behind in the healing process. Odds are it’s similar to my situation, not much love there and hasn’t been for a while other than little glimpses. Keep your chin up, hopefully we look back on it and are thankful it happened.

Title	Comparing progress with ex
Author	Ecstatic_Bite_866
Upvotes	19
Comments	70
Date	January 23, 2025 3:16 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1i85lvo/comparing_progress_with_ex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/comparing-progress-with-ex.1541943 https://theredarchive.com/post/1541943

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