Divorced and single

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-07-13T21:53:38+00:00

Whether or not you need counseling is up to you, but if your marriage survived 21 years, I'd call that a success.

Congratulations on not having to pay child support or alimony (and on achieving a good income!). Next step is to enjoy some peace and quiet, with no one having any expectations or making demands (at least at home). Learn to just be happy by yourself, at least for a few months. Maybe even take a solo trip somewhere. But where you go next and what you do is completely up to you! Enjoy!

recce22 · 2022-07-13T21:52:30+00:00

Therapy for post divorce is highly recommended and you can even get this through work - mental wellness initiatives. Therapy helps to deal with any unresolved traumas and/or trust issues. You’ll discover things you may not be aware of as we are a byproduct of our upbringing.

Explore hobbies that you couldn’t afford back then - boats, flying, traveling, cooking, fashion. Essentially this will open new doors and expose you to new people.

The good thing is that you are gainfully employed and still young at 44. You are actually at the sweet spot in terms of age, experienced yet not too old to date women in their 30’s.

CrazySanta7 · 2022-07-13T23:00:44+00:00

Just because you divorce does not mean you need counseling. 99% of relationships / marriages end. It happens. Don't ruin your life by getting married again, especially at your age. The next divorce might not be so kind to you.

Shovelhead8477 · 2022-07-13T21:47:58+00:00

My 21st anniversary would be in a month, but I doubt there will be any celebration, even though we will still technically be married. I am absolutely going to counseling, for myself. I need to heal. I want to be the best man that I can be, and I feel that will allow me to be the best father I can be, and eventually, the best partner/husband that I can be when the time is right.

Repulsive-Ad-5219 · 2022-07-13T22:45:38+00:00

I bought a drum set, a new truck, and a camera. I’m developing new hobbies.

It’s not always bright and sunny, but it gives me options when the clouds start closing in.

I find solace in my routine. Minimum required effort to complete the day. Then I can find the places where new things can be introduced. The routine either adds these items, or it doesn’t.

It also takes me a minimum of 3 months before anything I do becomes habit-forming. I know this about myself, so I know how long I’ll have to pursue something before I can really call it part of me.

Find the pieces of yourself you don’t know you lost/cut out/let atrophy. Or add something new. You’re still young, live your motherfucking life man. Proud of you. Stay up.

jalopkoala · 2022-07-13T22:45:53+00:00

I think every human should take advantage of therapy if they can afford it.

If you were a person who lifted weights or exercised in 1920, you’d be a weirdo. Now if you don’t some sort of exercise you are a weirdo.

I think mental health is the same. Do it if you can.

Congratulations on raising your daughters! You got this!

It’ll take a few years to figure out what you really want. No rush.

RideATX · 2022-07-13T22:47:41+00:00

Focus on yourself, make sure you get into good shape and then give dating a try, you might just be surprised at how much fun an early 40's guy with a good job and some disposable income can have. There are a lot of late 20's early 30's girls who you could travel with and enjoy life. Hard part is over with the kids being grown, now you just figure out what you want to do and who you want to do it with. No SS and no CS is a game changer, I think you'll find you're bank account will start growing.

trashiernumb · 2022-07-14T00:39:38+00:00

Go fishing. Try a float chamber. Hike the TEAR. Learn a new skill. Join a sports league. Read a really long book while swaying in the breeze on your hammock. Every few minutes or so, put your glass of Lagavulin 16 to your lips, smell the peat, take a gentle swig. Feel your 21 years evaporate from your mind like the morning dew. Keep a few of the good ones for yourself. Today is a good day.

Ok-Put3312 · 2022-07-14T15:30:40+00:00

Divorced after 20 years. Active military and overseas. Doing well too. Just be careful and focus on you. Not proud my initial response to indulge in freedoms = gym, drinking, and running through many woman. Find it easy to “fall for another” Not the prescription. Looking to pursue counseling and focus on personal passions and goals. Ultimately hard to shake old habits and the addiction of having someone. Be carful my brother.

Physical-Pie748 · 2022-07-14T18:06:41+00:00

dont get married. thats your next step. second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages.

henrysmyagent · 2022-07-13T23:21:06+00:00

Take an inventory about yourself. What do you enjoy doing? What scares you? What new things do you want to try? Where do you want to be 1 years, 5 years, and 20 years from now?

Get blank paper and pen, then map out your new better life. Your BEST years are ahead of you!

Don't jump into the saddle and get hitched to the next filly you meet. Stay single for a while and get to know the unencumbered YOU.

SupaFlyslammajammazz · 2022-07-14T03:49:06+00:00

Yeah peace and quiet is number 1. At least for a few months. I still remember the first night leaving her. Still the best sleep I had in years.

internetTroll151 · 2022-07-14T03:58:43+00:00

Find some hobbies. Meet some ladies

AStirlingMacDonald · 2022-07-14T04:11:54+00:00

I’m generally of the opinion that everyone could use some amount of counseling: it’s like working with a personal trainer at the gym, but for your mental health rather than your physical health. If you are experiencing bad depression or anxiety I particularly recommend it.

Apart from that I’d say the most important thing now is to relearn being single. Find things to do that help you to feel fulfilled and validated, and learn to love yourself as a single person.

email68 · 2022-07-14T04:18:22+00:00

Check out divorcecare dot org. It will help you process things with folks going through the same stuff. It’s free. I found it helpful.

Masypha · 2022-07-14T09:24:40+00:00

You should take counseling to see if you picked up any of her quirky habits. Let that shit out of you and be reborn again.

pegleg_legal · 2022-07-14T11:00:16+00:00

I don’t think it could hurt. If nothing else, it’s a huge life change and a chance to assess how you want to live the next part of your life. A step lighter than that would be a life coach, reputable hopefully, who could help you define some goals around your relationships and lifestyle. If there’s nothing nagging at you or any particularly strong emotion (or unusual lack thereof), probably I’d go with the coach.

Road_to_independence · 2022-07-14T13:16:20+00:00

The only additional advice would relate to if you're lonely or not. I am finding that not only do I not have a good support system but I don't even know how to make friends at 55. That is where my energy will go to after the final papers are signed.

Noobtraderhodl · 2022-07-14T13:53:52+00:00

Well first off, life will get better i promise you that.

i started listening to this podcast to help navigate me through the process. Give it a listen. while you might not relate to every episode, there is something in it for all of us.

https://risingphoenixpodcast.com/

find somethings you enjoy doing, for me it was golf. Give yourself a set amount of time to feel sorry for yourself and dwell (drinking and pity party). For me it was a 1-2 months. Sign up for a gym membership and if you have anger self-esteem issues or just want to past time this is a great way in doing so without harming your body.

Get help Figure out what you could of done differently early on in your marriage that may of saved it. example, setting boundaries, unlocking your emotions, learn how to communicate your feelings and cry your eyes out. You may realize how emotional unavailable us men really are in relationships.

A Big no no, while you can go sleep around, do not jump into a new relationship till you work on yourself, mentally, emotionally and physically or you will end up in the same type or relationship that failed before.

Good luck!

dogsrule2019 · 2022-07-14T14:42:21+00:00

I call this success and winning. Nice work, brother. Therapy? Prob wouldn't hurt. But if y'all were friendly and amicable and no real nastiness occurred, it shouldn't take long. This is now YOUR time for YOU. You are entering life 2.0. I agree to do/schedule something special with your daughters on a regular/recurring basis. And I'm north of Atlanta so DM me if I can help. Am somewhat familiar with boats/Lanier and glad to share what I know. Enjoy what's coming!

gnackered · 2022-07-14T15:50:54+00:00

Great job. I am a little jealous (particularly of the no alimony thing). Did you tough it out for the kids the last few years? Or was it the semi-empty nest that revealed it? Who filed? How long did it take? Its okay if you don't want to answer.

If I were in your shoes I would pay rent for a year or so, stabilize the finances, plan a trip like you have planned. I wouldn't rush into dating but I wouldn't not do it. Definitely try some new hobbies though. Get out there. We don't know if you need counselling, can't hurt but I doubt I would bother.

Gattsama · 2022-07-14T02:01:15+00:00

So I'm in the middle of the process, but no kids and moved out into my own rental. Everyone is different. Only you can determine if you need therapy. But what all men need to do is work on being:

Financially fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and physically fit.

If you make good money, then look at aggressively saving and investing. Once this is all over I'm doing a combination of maxing my work 403b/457k + various Vanguard index funds + real estate syndication for passive income. If not already financially literate take some online courses or read up.

Physical fitness is also key, and affects your emotional and mental fitness. You need to decide your goals for yourself but I recommend super basics: calisthenics - push ups, squats, crunches, get home pull up bar if able. Walking / hiking / jogging / running. Jump rope. If you like weights by a set or join a local gym. If you ate going to do weights recommend free weights or machines. And if not experienced a couple of classes with a personal trainer to show you proper form and usage. Again my personal recommendation is until you can do 10 pull ups, 20 push-ups, 50 squats, jump rope for 10 mins and run 3mi as base; to hold off on weights. But do what excites you. Same with sports. Also exercise can be a way to meet new friends.

Your emotional and mental health is highly variable based on you. I'm an atheist so religion doesn't work for me, I have a therapist but not getting much out of it and likely to cancel soon. I was a simp for most of my marriage and made horrible choices. I read a lot and do a lot of self correction, with trusted friends and family as my mirror. In my case "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" was the most helpful book for me. Watch a lot of YouTube and listen to audiobooks.

Domestic stuff - again don't know your situation. Maybe you did all the cooking and cleaning 🤔 But for most of us the cooking is a big deal. It's super easy to just fall into a pattern of eating out, which is expensive and rarely healthy. Recommend an air fryer, YouTube videos and taking a few basic cooking classes. Whole foods and PCC normally have these for super cheap. Or Google classes in your area, sometimes even meet up will have cooking classes or groups.

Learn to exist in solitude. Don't know where you are personally. But any men have bought into thr female idea that being alone is bad. In fact men need to be comfortable in solitude, if you want company you can choose it, but we should never need it.

jinellefirmer · 2022-07-14T02:04:00+00:00

Have you considered trying again with your wife? Start over. Date her again and rebuild what is broken. 21 years is a lot to throw away. And when you start to have grandchildren, it will break your heart to not be able to enjoy them together. Just a thought.

Sudden_Ad_4193 · 2022-07-14T03:14:46+00:00

Do you like bass fishing? If you do, buy a bass boat, join a local bass fishing club. This would keep you busy and not spend your money on another woman. Nature therapy does wonder on the soul.

iaag82 · 2022-07-13T22:44:43+00:00

To be honest, this post seems more like bragging than anything else. If you want help, why not simply ask that you’re divorced after 21 years of marriage and are wondering if therapy helped others?

SixOfWandsRedux2022 · 2022-07-13T22:21:27+00:00

If I might ask, what state are you in? Thank you and best of luck to you.

Flesh_Pillow5 · 2022-07-14T09:05:09+00:00

Why did you move out the marital home? Was it influence from Hollywood movies?

PatternNormal4817 · 2022-07-14T12:14:40+00:00

I went to therapy with the person that we had gone to couples therapy with, which seemed to help me since she had a better perspective of what I had gone through to help me post-divorce. After 4 meetings she told me I didn’t need to meet anymore, so don’t think therapy has to last a long time if you aren’t struggling to cope with various situations.

I haven’t seen anyone suggest this, but grow a beard if you don’t have one, as soon as I grew a beard I had all kinds of female at tent that I was not expecting.

GeologistNo9135 · 2022-07-18T20:04:54+00:00

[permanently deleted]

GeologistNo9135 · 2022-07-18T21:28:16+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Divorced and single
Author	GeologistNo9135
Upvotes	44
Comments	99
Date	July 13, 2022 9:38 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/vyenxn/divorced_and_single/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorced-and-single.1209372 https://theredarchive.com/post/1209372

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