Unwanted divorce. Marriage was not toxic or horrible, just not worth saving. She was never gonna love me like I needed and I was always gonna be annoying to her. 2 kids, 6 and 8.

Been going through this process for almost 6 months. I’ve been journaling, therapy, gym, reframing, blah, blah, blah. Made great progress in my feelings and thoughts so far. Went from massive depression, despair, and anger to acceptance, optimism, and a bit of sadness.

She is now agreeing to my figures in the settlement. She is by far the breadwinner and I am a teacher. I was never a provider. Now that this is gonna wrap up soon, I feel like I am back at day 1. This whole week I can barely function. I’m being bought out of the house and it’s gonna cost all my savings to get a shitty house. My kids will not want to leave the only home I’ve known, where their mom and grandma and grandpa live, to come spend half their time at my shitty, weird, lonely house.

I can’t stop thinking about out how much of a failure I am, how I am incapable of caring for myself, and how everything seems insurmountable. I don’t want to rebuild and rediscover and push against the doubt. I’m tired and I just want to die. I want my head to stop. It’s turned against me this week. I feel unregulated and have seemingly lost the will and knowledge to manage it. My whole brain and body is nothing but gray weight.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I want help, advice…I don’t know. I just don’t know. There’s so much pain again. It feels like I traveled back to day 1 of this divorce. Someone please just talk to me.