Fight or Flight?

Nervous-Alfalfa8416 · 2025-11-07T16:06:15+00:00

Honestly I think you're mental for marrying again, but good luck

Suspicious_Dot6179 · 2025-11-07T04:54:53+00:00

Bro I was like that too with my new wife. Then I realised that I was being a total dick and changed my sad ways lol. It is normal tho - PTSD for sure

StatisticianOld8246 · 2025-11-07T01:58:19+00:00

Didn’t learn your lesson the first time huh?

BatGuano52 · 2025-11-07T01:48:09+00:00

What are you fighting about?

Is it actual important, potentially relationship-altering subjects or are you fighting over "who's turn it was to do the dishes last night" kind of shit?

And do the two of you stick to arguing about the actual subject or does it turn into personal attacks?

Do the fights get resolved, i.e., do the two of you come to a consensus about whatever you were fighting about, even if it was just "I had a shitty day and blew up"?

If the fighting is a significant part of why the last marriage ended, then, yeah, it could very well be why you're feeling like you do.

It's a nasty cycle, the right starts, your anxiety level goes up, you get defensive, she gets defensive, and it just escalates from there.

If you really love this woman and she's as good as you say she is, then I'd say it's worth getting the two of you to a couple's counselor and getting their input.

They can help you two sort out of it's just piss-poor communication skills, some kind of anxiety reaction, etc.

Then, go from there.

HistoricalRich280 · 2025-11-07T01:35:10+00:00

Is your conflict able to be resolved?

That would determine whether it’s healthy.

If you have a conflict, it sucks but you resolve it in an hour and this happens … once a week or less.

I think you are okay.

With my ex at the end, so much resentment on both sides for years, speaking at all meant conflict.

Unfortunately I don’t think I’ve had a healthy romantic relationship. But I definitely have many healthy friendships and relationships with family members and this is the trademark. There will be conflict, it is able to be addressed and moved past, and you feel neutral to good about the relationship post conflict. In fact in my closest relationship it often feels crappy in the conflict but good after as we aired/discussed/ got on the same page and reassured each other that we mattered. And have a some game plan for next time.

It’s also possible that you didn’t make sure you healed before beginning this relationship with the timeframe you laid out. Probably you should get yourself to a therapist and work on your conflict resolution skills/ any residual PTSD.

If you can’t have conflict, you can’t or shouldn’t have the relationship. That’s where I am! But if you want it, you need to make sure

TheSmartLawGroup · 2025-11-06T23:05:10+00:00

If you are having that many arguments that is causing that much anxiety, that is not a healthy relationship. I believe you are reacting to your past bad experiences and your body, and mind, are telling you to get out of that relationship. If your new partner does not have the ability to meet your needs, don't be afraid to move on. Even if you believe your reaction is not healthy, it doesn't sound like she is helping.

With or without her, therapy is a great options to address any and all issue you might have. You are entitled to good mental health. Be smart and be safe.

ciscokid12345 · 2025-11-06T21:59:29+00:00

I’m with you on this one. I spent 16 years trying so hard to not break up with my exwife. A decade of arguing…

My new girlfriend of five years hit perimenopause hard this year and has just turned into the bossiest, nagging bitch.

She stopped having a sex drive and spends most of the day complaining about something I did.

I’m trying to get her on hormones but I don’t think I have the fight in me. It would be so much easier to send her packing and get a new younger girl who is actually interested in having sex with me.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2025-11-06T21:19:31+00:00

Another redditor already suggested therapy so that might be a good start.
You seem to be stonewalling which is one of Gottman's 4 horses of the apocalypses. Go to his website, there are lots of free resources which can maybe help you and your fiancé both navigating arguments in a more healthy way. Gottman has antidotes for each of the 4 horses.
Arguments are normal in relationships because in effect you are 2 different people with different upbringings and values, etc. How you argue and reconnect is where the art in staying together lives.
Good luck and hope you can navigate it all in a healthy way.

koskesh122 · 2025-11-06T20:47:23+00:00

50% of all marriages end in divorce. 2nd marriages have 60% divorce rate and 3rd marriages 70% divorce rate.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2025-11-06T20:45:35+00:00

There is a difference between healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict and divorce rewires that tolerance.

Healthy arguing looks like: two people staying on the same team even when they disagree, trying to understand each other, staying inside boundaries, focusing on the issue not destroying the person.
Unhealthy arguing feels like threat, survival, humiliation, attack, or “I need to escape to be safe.”

After divorce, especially if the prior marriage involved emotional volatility, manipulation, or chronic disrespect, your nervous system becomes conditioned to treat any conflict as danger. So when your fiancé raises tension, your brain may not be responding to her… it may be responding to the old trauma stamp.

The work here is figuring out which one this is.

Your partner having normal conflict with you doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. But you shutting down, withdrawing, or wanting to run at the first sign of friction is a signal that you still need to heal those conflict reflexes. That’s not a character flaw, it’s a system still protecting itself.

Getting curious about the pattern (maybe even with a therapist) is more important than breaking the engagement every time there’s tension. You don’t have to run… but you do have to learn what kind of fight you’re actually in.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2025-11-06T20:35:45+00:00

2nd divorce rates are higher.

You'd be insane to get married again.

That said, people change: for the worse.

Learn from your first marriage brother.

DatabaseSpace · 2025-11-06T20:32:33+00:00

I think it may be some post divorce PTSD stuff because I do the exact same thing. My current g/f has her own house about 40 minutes away, but stays at my apartment every night. If we get into any type of fight, I am pretty much going to home depot to get boxes to pack all of her shit. My g/f before her, I was staying with her and I can't tell you how many times I left work in the middle of the day in a rage to throw all of my shit in the jeep I had then.

GodOfMuayThai · 2025-11-06T20:19:12+00:00

I have no idea why you're engaged right after the divorce. You didn't give yourself time to breathe.

engineered-chemistry · 2025-11-06T20:13:53+00:00

Sounds like you may benefit from therapy. Why are you with your Fiance? Bigger question, why the fuck do you want to get married AGAIN!?

rboller · 2025-11-06T20:08:34+00:00

You lost me at engaged

Bagman220 · 2025-11-06T20:02:18+00:00

Look, dude you are single and you get to dictate the terms of your life now. If you’re getting into arguments you need to ask yourself why you’re with that person that is arguing with you.

Title	Fight or Flight?
Author	berzerker5000
Upvotes	1
Comments	38
Date	November 6, 2025 7:58 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1oq963b/fight_or_flight/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/fight-or-flight.1565922 https://theredarchive.com/post/1565922

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