How do you cope?

Shitpostradamus · 2022-10-15T17:35:41+00:00

My man, everything you wrote has been my experience, including my daughter crying (and kicking and yelling at her mom) when she goes with her. Been doing this for a year and a half and I wish I could tell you those pangs disappear - they don’t. I have those moments of “what do I do now?” when she’s gone. But I redirect my brain and remind myself that the time I’m getting with my kiddo (50/50 btw) is so much more quality than when I was with her shit mom. The time is now about what we want to do versus what we were made to do by my ex wife. My kid is happier when she’s with me. I’m happier when I’m with her and when I’m not, I choose to focus on the things I need to accomplish for myself and my own happiness. I picked up new hobbies and working out. I bought a motorcycle (highly recommend) and started flying lessons. Make the time with your daughter all about her and the time without all about you and what you need.

Also, the agony you feel when she leaves is a good thing. It means you love and care for that little girl and that you’re a kick ass dad. God bless, OP

Paramore-paradox · 2022-10-15T16:40:03+00:00

Get some hobbies. Gym, learn a new language, learn to play an instrument, meal plan,draw and listen to music/podcast, call friends/family/therapist. Plan activities for the next time your with them. Hobbies man, keep yourself occupied.

playerknowmore · 2022-10-15T17:53:00+00:00

The moment you realize that you are the main character in your life; is a moment that saves your life. Everyone else can leave you, but if you love you, you will survive. Lean into being loving yourself. If you would have done this in your marriage; you probably still be married.

Women use leaving as a punishment. When you show you will thrive without her she recalculate about leaving. If you wondered why women don't leave assholes; it's because leaving never hurts an asshole. They recalculate to the default that showing their pain will effect the assholes movement. A man who puts himself first is a puzzle no woman can solve.

azsb23 · 2022-10-15T18:10:41+00:00

Oh Lord I have been there. Time will help a little especially if you didn’t want the divorce, and didn’t sign up to see your kids part time. What I did was ask if I can have them one night a week for dinner the weeks they were with their mom and offered the same on my weeks. This way you have something to look forward to and it isn’t such a stretch. When the kids get old enough they will be able to decide where they want to live. So remember, this is just a spec in your long term relationship with your kids. With that in mind, definitely get out of the house. You don’t want to, but you HAVE to. You will get thru this dog and become a stronger dad and person.

ragingredditir · 2022-10-15T16:41:57+00:00

My heart sinks for you just reading that.

Any chance getting a dog is an option for you? A dog will provide companionship, some distraction and will force you to get up in the morning and walk outside. It certainly won’t fix the issue, but man’s best friend could def provide some help

justfuggmyshidup · 2022-10-15T20:07:59+00:00

I'm in the exact same position, brother.

Most people are recommendeding lifting, and I will too. This isn't just an arbitrary thing. If you're not already lifting, you will find that cultivating this habit has a ripple effect that brings a lot of good consequences besides a healthier, better looking body.

Besides that, you need to use this extra time to make yourself into a man your little girl can admire! You are the man who will shape what it means to be a man to her. A big responsibility, but also an invaluable privilege.

Pursue what is meaningful to you. It could be a physical, mental or spiritual pursuit. Take some time to figure it out.

Lean on your boys, too. That's what they're there for.

If you feel would like, leave a first name or an initial so we can pray for you.

akihonj · 2022-10-15T18:35:15+00:00

You're not alone, that's the first thing you need to remember, most of us are going through it or have done or as in my case won't ever get to see them until they are old enough to decide for themselves.

What makes you get out of bed in the morning, aside from your kids. Is it the gym, hobbies, getting out into nature, whatever that is do it.

Hit the gym and make it regular and like a religious belief.

Hit the hobbies and do them regularly.

Do these things and you'll find yourself coping.

Reach out to us to chat and vent if you need it.

hkbk2011 · 2022-10-15T18:57:05+00:00

Same here. I’m waiting for her to respond so I can see the kids as I am typing. It sucks

Legitimate-Match2675 · 2022-10-15T19:37:03+00:00

I REALLY struggled with this. My son was diagnosed with cancer 1 month after we separated. He’s fine now after 1.5 years of treatment, but that time away from him, not knowing the future, was brutal.

I found new friends and groups to hang out with at meetup.com. Lots of weird people there, some good people too.

Good luck!

Physical_Listen5649 · 2022-10-15T23:30:44+00:00

I think time makes things easier in general, but that doesn’t help you now. My advice on this is that you know the hand you’re dealt with your custody situation. However you have the power in how you play that hand.

Instead of I miss my kids and I’m miserable without them… channel that energy into something you don’t like about your self. If you’re overweight… work out on the days you don’t have them. If you never completed school.. then go back. Be the best version of yourself. Sure you’ll miss them but the point of this is to have goals to focus on. Spend time on your off days planning awesome shit for the days you have them.

Additionally, I don’t know your situation with your ex but treat her kindly even if she doesn’t deserve it. I think you’ll be surprised with time she may let you have an extra day or let you pick up the kids from school or whatever works for your situation. Point being kindness to others usually results in kindness back.

Just be the best version of yourself man. Your kids will respect the shit out of that one day. Just know it’s always going to be hard. It is for every good dad. But I’d rather be the worlds greatest part time dad then a good full time dad any day.

47omek · 2022-10-16T03:08:27+00:00

Being honest, I'm just a little bit relieved when my kids head to their mother's for her week. A week solid of juggling a full-time professional job, making lunches, school dropoffs and pickups, taking them to sports/extracurriculars, helping with homework, making dinners, handling bedtime, putting together a fun weekend of activities etc 100% solo and I'm basically worn out. I need the downtime to mentally recharge after that. I still see them alot on her weeks as I help coach their sports teams and end up helping get them to activities so it's never a week of full absence. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't like having the time to just be "Me" and not "Dad" 100% of the time.

This was part of the problem in our marriage as she worked evenings (and had them in half day preschool during her daytimes) so I'd work my full work day then come home and single dad the children as she was working - day after day, week after week, year after year. The split custody situation is a vast improvement on that from my standpoint. Just one man's experience...

mfolivas · 2022-10-15T23:33:10+00:00

Bro, everything will be fine in the long run...they will not be for a few, but it will also pass. Remember, your kids are a reflection of us. Focus on your kid(s) when you're with them, but also make sure you live your life to the fullest. That way you'll be happier and your kids will see it as well. Few things that have helped me:

- Get with other men that you respect and admire (I run an accountability team along with other men)

- Get into something that moves you - gym, running, swimming, etc

- Join a community - CrossFit, boxing, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, etc

- Do something that you always wanted to do. In my case, travel more, scuba diving, and bow hunting

- Get with a male counselor/therapist that has gone through the same. If you want to get in shape, you look for a trainer so why not get with a coach that helps your mental state? He could help you out and be ahead of the curve (imagine how would you feel when there is another car in front of the ex's driveway...or your ex decided to be with the AP). Also, you don't want to bring any baggage into your next relationship or to your kids (again, they're a reflection of us man).

The bottom line, chase things that give you energy and stay away from those (that includes family) that don't bring out the best of you. That's the main thing.

warrior_up · 2022-10-15T20:55:16+00:00

Pick up days/nights always tough. Year 3-4 not as bad

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-10-16T12:01:15+00:00

You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If are you lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company.

Be the role model your daughter needs. Instead of crying with her, be stoic. Show her there's no reason to cry. You'll be right there when she comes back at the next exchange.

Mjolnir37 · 2022-10-17T02:18:40+00:00

It’s sucks no doubt. The time you don’t have them work your ass off! Either the gym, a side gig whatever. I work a side job and the week I don’t have them I pour it on. That’s extra $50-70g is really piling up. I estimate 3.5 million by the time I retire. So while she still has 25 years in a $2600 a month mortgage at 55 years old I will be on my boat trekking down the ICW. Enjoy the debt you materialistic coniving cheat. How’s the grass doing over there? Anyways to all the men on here. We were complete human beings before we took the dive, you just forgot about it. You will be compete if you put in the work. I had a decision I had to make, either crumble into a mess and stay there or pick myself up, rebuild MY life. I can tell you which example I want to be for my boys. Like rocky said, “it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep going”. BTW the peace and quiet is intoxicating.

salty-sheep-bah · 2022-10-15T17:27:20+00:00

Anger and hearty dosages of revenge

Radio-7159 · 2022-10-16T08:44:10+00:00

You just have to fill your life up with other stuff, it takes a little time. I bought a home that needed renovating. Joined a band, bit of music production, mountain biked, see freinds, dated. Soon enough life was busy.

I had my kids every other weekend and see them every Wednesday eve, took them cinema, swimming, bowling etc. Took them on camping holidays as well, they were cheap, kids loved it.

Biggest issue was having enough money to do the things I wanted, so eventually rented a spare room, this helped as I could then take the kids abroad and go abroad myself.

DivorceCoachMarcin · 2022-10-16T19:46:30+00:00

Man I’ve been in the same boat 3 years ago.

Far_Support4481 · 2022-10-18T00:41:54+00:00

Nothing can be said to make that situation any better or give you relief from the pain. Just know that I've been there and so have many other men out there. Keep going! Don't quit! Carry the load! Do something....I mean anything. Run, jump, ride, swim, walk, row, do push ups, lunges, pull ups, read, watch movies, call someone, talk about anything but your situation, listen to music, read the papers, wash and wax your car, stay late at work, grill, shop, plan for their next visit, call them, text them, FaceTime them......I made a list so that every time I had that feeling I picked something or multiple things to do. Hope it helps in some small way -

JonathanApple · 2022-10-19T23:25:28+00:00

I don't cope well. Try to stay busy but truth is it is wearing me down. We both deserve 50/50 not this 'dad plan' the judge tossed out. I will fight till dead or out of money though.

Title	How do you cope?
Author	NgoloC
Upvotes	25
Comments	31
Date	October 15, 2022 4:32 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/y4sb45/how_do_you_cope/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-cope.1135532 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135532