I asked a question

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-08-23T16:17:30+00:00

Kudos to you for firmly grabbing your brass balls and getting it done. More men wrestling with divorce on this sub should take inspiration from your post.

The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all. Sometimes you have to give up on her. Not because you don’t care, but because she doesn’t.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2022-08-23T16:18:23+00:00

Telling me I don’t deserve to be a husband or father..

Yeah. Whatever on that first bit. But part 2? Nuh-uh. That's damn near unforgivable.

Hang in there, bud!

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2022-08-23T16:36:59+00:00

Hey! I’m glad you found your way over here. You’ll find much more support here than in the general divorce sub.

sharksfreakmeout · 2022-08-23T17:57:19+00:00

What you wrote really resonated with me. I have a very similar story. Man oh man the gaslighting you probably are going through is tough. There are women who are so terribly narcissistic that it's never enough no matter what you do for your family, the kids, or her. Before my divorce i felt i had lost myself completely. It got to the point that the only joy i had was waking up and seeing my kids and coming home and spending time with my kids. Everything else felt numb. My wife expected more and more from me without contributing anything in return or expressing any gratitude. I finally got the balls to leave the relationship and i can honestly say i have found myself again and despite the constant shit my ex throws my way, I'm truly happy. Before leaving the relationship, for years i would worry about the impact on my kids. I can confirm that children are resilient and adaptable. If you are a good father they will be just fine. In fact, i agree that if you leave a shitty relationship you might actually become an even better father and person. IMHO sticking around in a shitty relationship may even be more damaging to children and their development.

Just a word of caution, your wife is your enemy from now on. All the tears and talk to get you to stay is BS. It's now time to play the game with a level head. Record and document everything. Change passwords for everything. Follow the counsel of your attorney. Hopefully they are good.

Bigpants_ · 2022-08-23T16:08:31+00:00

Proud of you

HorrorAd1946 · 2022-08-23T18:43:21+00:00

I don't want to beat a dead horse. I feel the problem with today's society is we use the "divorce" word as common as hello. My mother once told me, never utter the word divorce, because once the seed is planted, it eventually grows. Are there problems from your statements above, of course, are they not repairable, that's only a question between each of you. As men, all we have in this world is our word, and when our word means nothing so do we. Dont take a vow that your not willing to keep. That doesn't mean to become a punching bag, but I think you understand the drift..

xjeeperx · 2022-08-23T20:25:06+00:00

Bravo, I spent 10 years with one that’s basically the same as yours, age difference is almost identical, I’m 31, she’s turning 38.

Funny enough, I allowed all of the disrespect and emasculation while raising her kids, but when we had one I realized that the fighting and back and forth were not what I wanted my daughter to grow up in. She didn’t need to see her father be disrespected constantly. And that was really the end of it for me.

SpacemanLost · 2022-08-23T20:28:24+00:00

She has failed to grasp the concept that once the ming vase is dropped on the floor, no amount of wishing or super-glue will ever return it to its unbroken state.

This is many men. they take it, the abuse, the disrespect, the belittling. They take it silently until it all breaks. There is no control-Z in real life to undo it all.

And you understand that is how your wife is. Who she is. Anything else is temporary just until she tires of keeping it up.. or forgets .. or changes her mind.

upvotersfortruth · 2022-08-24T01:40:11+00:00

Her sadness will turn to anger. Be careful.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2022-08-23T17:54:38+00:00

Your whole post resonated with me because everything you felt and did was my situation. I just wanted a happy home, peace and time with my son. I got none of it with her except daily insults, the bashing of what I didn't do, or if I did why it wasn't right. I stayed another 8 months or so because of my son, to see him daily. But she just piled on even more and I had enough and got out. I don't regret it, but I do miss seeing my son on a more regular basis.

pk2at · 2022-08-23T18:18:39+00:00

Be a smart man and ask her to check this option in your state's divorce form (Assuming you have the question)

[ ] The community personal property has already been divided fairly between the spouses. Each spouse should keep any community personal property that s/he now has or controls.

If she agrees to check that option, you will get to keep most of what you have earned

Certain-Tangerine-30 · 2022-08-23T21:05:09+00:00

Yeah man it’s a major red flag that she told you to just take care of “her” kids. It communicates a lot. 1) She just sees you as a paycheck 2) She doesn’t give a flying fuck about you 3) She doesn’t respect you as a father to your guys children 4) She views the children as hers. It’s weird to talk like you possess humans, and on top of that they are both of your children not hers. It’s going to be her responsibility to take care of them as well Stay strong man

mehmench · 2022-08-23T18:17:22+00:00

I see a lot of us piling on with the kudos but I want to be more careful than that.

You mention that you routinely use the threat of divorce. Frankly, that's abusive and we complain about women doing it all the time. If you're routinely bluffing about filing for divorce - dude that's all kinds of toxic and that's on YOU.

You can't control how she acts but you can control how YOU act and now that you're in the process of divorce you really need to learn how to do that, you've set yourself up for a high conflict divorce and she may be a real pain in the ass but it sounds like you bring your fair share of ass-hattery to the table too.

Rise above it. Find the high road and figure out how to take it. Get a therapist and start working through your own issues so you can understand why you react the way you do because if you can understand it - you can change it and grow as a person (by the way, that really pisses ex-wives off too when they see you grow as a person without them).

The best revenge is a life well lived.

SnooChipmunks8506 · 2022-08-23T20:09:24+00:00

This is coming from a divorced father of 4, so I don’t say this lightly. I am raising these children all by myself.

Grow the fuck up.

You threaten your “ungrateful wife” with a divorce every time you fight? How about the BOTH of you get some therapy and you start communicating like a real man with her.

You fucking toxic piece of shit, being a single dad is a 1000 times harder than listening to a wife get mad about not picking up after yourself or folding the towels wrong.

Get your immature ass down to a certified family therapist and start working on yourself. Invite your ball busting wife to come with you, and BOTH OF YOU work together.

Dear heavens this is the most narcissistic post I have seen in a long time.

jimmyjames2003 · 2022-08-23T17:44:11+00:00

Routinely asking “Do you want to get a divorce?” during fights IS A THREAT.

You can say it isn’t, but that’s BS.

It’s like a kid who says they’re going to take their ball and go home if they don’t get their way.

I can’t speak to the rest of your marital issues, but that is wrong on your part.

fajandi · 2022-08-23T17:59:28+00:00

I believe your relationship with your wife can be save by good communication, IC and MC. There is a time in marriage especially having children that there's a fog or what I called "the dark night" of the relationship where in married couples go into a slump. I'm married for 30 years and through those years, there's a lot of downs especially when children are involved. Sometimes I FEEL there's no more love between us. I emphasized feel because emotions change and are fleeting. In marriage, there should be COMMITMENT. In fights and arguments, ego gets the best of us. Sir, for me it would be unwise to go with the divorce if all the necessary means to save the marriage is not exhausted. Hoping the best for you, your wife and kids. Godspeed.

RideATX · 2022-08-23T16:25:05+00:00

"This woman will never respect me or my sacrifice. Time to be the man I’ve always been and love my kids unconditionally and provide and grow as a person without her."

Are you someone to be respected?

Seems like you're going full rambo brother. You have an opportunity to practice game on your wife even before the divorce is finalized. What you should do is have everything drawn up and ready to go, but wait to pull the trigger. Hit the gym, get hobbies, become super dad, ignore wife. Become someone she aspires to be with. Then you can make the decision on whether or not you love / like her. If you care, go read the MRP sidebar on dread.

Basically, if you don't fix you, learn to have and hold frame (have yourself as your mental point of origin). Then the mistakes you made with your current wife will just happen again with whatever new girl you end up with.

sicrm · 2022-08-23T19:01:33+00:00

this was the most important but easiest part.

now you have to figure out how much custody you want and are you willing to fight to get it.

some people fight hard for 50/50 or majority.

others are fine with partial and just make the most of the time they do get with their kids. if you’re someone your kids look up to and respect this could work.

others just send the check and barely keep contact.

if you don’t know which route you want to go yet, take some time and figure it out. then you can use that if (when) things get nasty and she’s fighting over everything.

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-08-23T19:33:23+00:00

I didn't feel loved or appreciated, either. Sometimes, my divorce feels like just a big argument that got out of control (and neither of us wanted to back down). Like, at some point, she is going to call and say, "I apologize, it was my fault, please take me back!"

Of course, my answer would be, "No way, Jose! My life has gotten so much better since we got divorced! Why would I ever want to go back?"

When a divorce is primarily the "fault" of one party, I think it shows after the divorce. One thrives and the other dies.

Repulsive-Fall1019 · 2022-08-23T20:34:29+00:00

Now you need to make sure you get custody.

northdakotact · 2022-08-24T13:48:30+00:00

“I don’t care, just support my kids, do it”…

And that's all you need to know.

Imaginary_Spinach_43 · 2022-08-24T14:26:47+00:00

So proud of you. It will be difficult, but you will come out stronger! Good Luck.

Title	I asked a question
Author	Repulsive-Fall1019
Upvotes	58
Comments	86
Date	August 23, 2022 3:58 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/wvshbu/i_asked_a_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-asked-a-question.1128264 https://theredarchive.com/post/1128264