It finally clicked

Xan-Diesel · 2023-02-21T18:23:40+00:00

I'm happy to hear things clicked for you. Getting there takes significantly longer for many of us. I'm ashamed to admit it took me months during the separation before I really understood desire can't be negotiated. It didn't necessarily make the feeling of being discarded any less intense but definitely showed me how much time and energy I wasted trying to do the "pick me" dance. She'd already chosen and it wasn't me.

"She's not yours - it's just your turn"

FunkyTownMascot · 2023-02-21T18:24:42+00:00

Yeah, you are no longer her emotional tampon.

Prudent_Media_4067 · 2023-02-21T18:32:19+00:00

Not to mention that she used you to feel better about her loss. Move on and stop being there for her. Her relationships are her business and it shows how little she cares about you for bringing you in the middle of it. Hope you find better.

Thechical1973 · 2023-02-21T18:46:46+00:00

no time like now, to go no contact. Allowing contact, or "being friends" just harms you.

You're the prize, she'll figure that out too late. Just put yourself first again, and say no to the bullshit. Stop crap fitting people and situations. Consider individual counseling, and doing the work. I found the red pi!! content, that helped me to understand so much of this is just the nature of things, and there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. Nobody can be perfect all the time. If she's not mature enough to be an adult, you need to know that's on her, not you.

Pulling back further, she just paroled you from a life of misery, you got an expensive education, and whatever you do, don't get married again.

lordrognoth · 2023-02-22T01:23:19+00:00

I'm 6 months into our separation, my wife called me last night to let me know she's getting re-married in Oct, when we can legally get divorced - bit of a shock, but at least she will be someone else's problem now.

stent00 · 2023-02-21T19:44:08+00:00

Ok you got weak once and allowed her to cry on your shoulder. Don't let it happen ever again. You can't move forward if you got her using you for emotional support.. cut it off now.

Alatornio · 2023-02-21T22:24:59+00:00

Good for you to realize what was going on. These emotions are complex. I think men love their wives on a completely different level than women realize.

If there are any women reading these posts.... open your eyes to the level of love that men have. Maybe all your girlfriends are wrong about men? Shocked.

warrior_up · 2023-02-21T18:52:02+00:00

Clicked will be when you finally realize just how toxic she really is, and how her patterns of toxic behavior were used to manipulate you into her little pet.

You're reinforcing her behavior being there for her. I'd recommend you start educating yourself and quit being the fucking Nice Guy

vintagedudey · 2023-02-21T18:17:09+00:00

Oh, it's really tough man. I believe someday everything will change! 🙏🏻

AlmostThere22 · 2023-02-21T18:29:49+00:00

Good for you man. And great insight to share as well.

Your story help put things into perspective for me.

1Cobbler · 2023-02-21T20:36:58+00:00

Good that you worked it out. I know you were trying to do the right thing, but just know that being sympathetic to her future relationship problems will make her respect you even less (She'll like you, but not respect you. Note the difference).

You need to put that distance between you and her. Next time it happens just politely tell her that she'll have to find a different shoulder. I think you've figured that out and keep it in mind for future relationships.

RxRobb · 2023-02-22T02:22:46+00:00

I guess I never loved my ex wife because I haven’t shed a tear at all, except for my child

yellowfarm_7 · 2023-02-22T10:33:09+00:00

"she's been seeing someone since about 2 months after our separation"

There are lies, disgusting lies and sentences like the previous one. Your separation was caused because she was already in a new relationship with that guy (perhaps, 2 months BEFORE your separation).

You got divorced in January and she was thinking of a new marriage (Sunday). They had talked about it, your ex thought it was a done deal, whereas her lover was not so sure. In the days between Sunday and yesterday, the guy decided that he had already got all the fun he needed and had no intention to ask your ex to marry him.

You are just an old friend and a shoulder to cry on. Does it pay to you? If not, go no contact. No matter what happens, she will never respect you as somebody closer than an old acquaintance. I bet you will not be happy with that status and your best approach will be no contact.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-02-21T18:39:57+00:00

How long were you married?

I know it hurts to see how quickly she tried to move on but use the anger to move on yourself

I wish I knew for sure

Regular-Bat-4449 · 2023-02-21T19:02:38+00:00

Glad you had that realization. Now you can move on also

ragingredditir · 2023-02-21T22:05:39+00:00

Now you can give yourself permission to let go

FUMoney · 2023-02-22T11:32:24+00:00

Go low contact. Now. Stop wasting your life by being involved in hers.

Rich-Positive36 · 2023-02-22T13:43:46+00:00

Yep.

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-02-22T18:21:58+00:00

> She's gone and I need to move on

You've got the right mindset. Now execute on it.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2023-02-22T00:56:03+00:00

The truth more likely is that she was going on with this guy before your separation, or at least had plans to. You’ll never get an honest timetable.

If you have any intention on healing up, you really need to go non-contact for a long time. You’re divorced. What else is there?

Benzon22s · 2023-02-22T07:35:49+00:00

As many times what my STBXW has said and done that makes me realize it’s over, I’m still stuck loving her. I’m dumb

RichardCleveland · 2023-02-24T15:18:23+00:00

I think that was actually very kind of you. It was obviously NOT the best position to be in, and it hurts. But the empathy you showed in this situation was impressive. It really reflects on how good of a person you are.

Lightthesaboner · 2023-02-24T22:20:30+00:00

Don’t worry about what she’s done and learn to have self worth it’s amazing when you change your way of thinking and start loving yourself. Your world changes when you change your personality which leads to a whole new personal reality. Realize you deserve better and you need to invest in yourself not her or another woman. You need to work on your short comings, improve your physical and mental health. Have alone time it’s good just move on this is all toxic and not worth it. Any of us could die at any time, live like that. Use this pain as fuel and hit the weights, don’t sell yourself short you have unlimited potential. We attract what we are so be thankful and positive for all your blessings. You’re alive and breathing people have been through much worse and you can handle your circumstances. Move on and build discipline it’s the ultimate version of self love

Thin_Radish_3439 · 2023-02-21T19:43:18+00:00

All normal feelings man. Contrary to most I would still lend my ex a shoulder to cry on. Sure we didn't work out in the end, but we worked for a time. About 18 of the 22 years I'd say. Life is to short to be angry or hurt. Humans make mistakes and they change over time , and it's time that just keeps going on. You really don't know why she tried to move on, and obviously it was a crash and burn so nothing wrong with some human compassion.

LonelyNC123 · 2023-02-22T12:54:23+00:00

You are not an idiot. One of my (many) therapists told me 'You are harder on yourself than anybody else in the world'. I have come to learn that, often, our own thoughts are are enemy. So, you are not an idiot. You are just grieving and a 'kind' person because, even though your former wife was bad to you, you choose not to be bad to her. Having said all that, YES, it is time for you to move on. Hang in there, it is hard, but you do have a whole new life ahead of you.

f150driver · 2023-02-22T11:44:11+00:00

Just a different thought - all good advice above indeed - but essentially thru this you’ve confirmed to yourself you are a good person, you have emotions, and nonetheless - you still extended an olive branch when someone else needed it. Would you have done the same thing for another friend male or female facing a “struggle”? The ultimate victory is showing the other person you didn’t change for the worse and you remained true to yourself.

Being kind in the face of your “enemy” says more about you than them. Just learn from it and move along.

Just a different lens to think thru.

capnjackstation · 2023-02-27T11:33:54+00:00

Don’t be her emotional tampon.

Level-Employ-418 · 2023-03-12T19:25:13+00:00

It happens sometimes Just ignore it I got divorced in 2023 jan fighting over a infidelity from her for 6 yrs Been through such situation in btw and well thought the same…….. It’s part of growing and healing up Just don’t repeat it again ………. we all are humans , do mistakes, but tend to overlook them but not learn from them……..
time to learn I suppose brother Cheers 🍻

Title	It finally clicked
Author	Huffman0418
Upvotes	79
Comments	45
Date	February 21, 2023 6:10 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/118bwz7/it_finally_clicked/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/it-finally-clicked.1218150 https://theredarchive.com/post/1218150

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