Letting go

jaceq777 · 2024-08-25T11:56:39+00:00

I have no answer, but I can't learn to let go either. It's a long process, I guess, and takes a lot of work. Therapy helps for sure. Focusing on yourself, taking care of your needs and shaping the path for yourself. Easier said than done, though.

Squidgy68 · 2024-08-24T11:09:06+00:00

8 month since I moved out I hit the gym got a 6 pack went to my exs house my son said dad show her your 6pack so a did in my head I'm saying this is big fuck off to you I'm doing better now I'm single

Squidgy68 · 2024-08-24T11:04:37+00:00

Ooh read or listen to audible on a free trial the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover it may help to see how your relationship went from a different angle.

Squidgy68 · 2024-08-24T10:59:23+00:00

So I'm 8 months into a seperation with the divorce due to finalise in October, What I learned so far..

1, The woman she is now isn't the woman you love she is long gone the woman she is now is going to pretend to be your friend and have your best interests but behind your back she has a team of friends and solicitors all planning how to take everything you have.

2, Get advice as soon as possible don't wait, Don't sign anything, don't agree to anything.

3, Be very careful what you say in texts and calls she can & will use it against you if it gets messy.

4, Be selfish look after yourself, Hit the gym, DO NOT look to Alcohol & Drugs to help they won't and she will use it against you.

5, Join a Men's group or get a excellent support network going do not try to do this alone it will crush you, Joining a Men's group was best thing I did so much support and advice also it made me friends who I can socialise with.

6, Grieve your marriage give yourself time to heal the is no rush you will have good & Bad days my good days are beginning to out number the bad, I still have days where I miss her I'm on holiday now in Spain with my son 1st holiday without her I felt lonely for few days leaned on this group and got advice it helped massively not thought of her since.

7, Get support, Get Support, Get support.

The will be loads more I forgot but those are my main ones.

mauimikes · 2024-08-24T04:44:34+00:00

Women are broken these days.

masterof-xe · 2024-08-24T02:12:40+00:00

It's the memories you have for the unconditional.love you gave her. For the amount of grief she may have given you. You still loved her at the end of the day. This will pass as you start to see her in a new light. Some good some bad. I am going through it also, but then I remember all the negatives. I was emotionally cheated on by her. How could I trust her again after knowing that? So I made the decision that if she wants to be with her lover (who is married, with kids, in the military, and a swinger) she's more than welcome. Our marriage was nothing to her but a tax write off.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2024-08-23T21:46:54+00:00

Your mind wants to go back but its surrounded by a new reality, that's why you feel the way you do. Don't fight the pain and anguish, do the opposite. Listen to sad songs, journal, yell in the car, feel your rage and pain. In essence, mourn the loss of the life you knew. It will take time, maybe a year or two, but at some point you will find happiness.

Miserable_Ad_1172 · 2024-08-23T19:43:41+00:00

OP

Your right in the thick of it now. I’m not going to lie, you are going to go through some horrible shit, then some more and then even more but I promise it will get better. I still hurt sometimes. The person you met 10 years ago no longer exists, accept this. Be strong around her, do not beg, plead or show high emotion. If you feel being overwhelmed in her presence, say “I’m really finding this hard right now, let’s talk another time” and remove yourself from her presence. Be cordial and kind even when you don’t have to be. It will stand you in good stead in the future. Learn radical acceptance when you have grieved. It’s not a sprint, this might take you months/years. The first six months are the worst. If you believe either of you want to work it out, offer counselling. If not let it go and start making yourself and child/children number one priority. Grieve and get the emotion out. Don’t bottle it up. Lean on this group,close friends and family. Never feel you are alone or without options. You sound like a decent man. This is not all your fault. You will have played your part but all you can do is be responsible for your 50 percent. Work on things that you feel you could of done better. Get in the gym or a physical activity club until it’s habit. Take up old or new hobbies. Eat well, do not drink alcohol..at all ! In two years time you want to look in the mirror and be a man your proud went through hell and did it with strength,courage,respect,grace and kindness. Set your boundaries, learn what battles to fight. Dig deep but we are all here rooting for you. Good luck. Never give up.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-08-23T17:13:25+00:00

You can’t control how another person behaves or feels. Not everybody is as loyal as you are. Shortly after my wife left, I was deeply grieved. I kept thinking about all the things I did wrong during the marriage. She gaslit me so much about everything being my fault that’s what happened when she left. But once you’re extricated from a bad situation time (and God in my case) has a way of showing you the reality that you wouldn’t acknowledge.

p71interceptor · 2024-08-23T16:55:22+00:00

I have a 4 and 2 year old brother. My heat aches for them but they keep me going. Hold the line and be the rock in their lives.

I've had to lean on a few friends and my extended family. You are right this shit is not easy.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-08-23T16:47:08+00:00

I'm so so sorry you're here, and yes, your mind goes through many stages, and then go's and dose it again and again.

So let me share a story from about 40 years ago. A Young Man, He married a selfish woman who left him for his friend, leaving him with his two very young sons. He lost everything in the divorce - the house, money, and most painfully, he lost custody of the boys. She mistreated them to the extent that one of the boys still suffers from depression today. However, the boys loved their dad because he showed them all the love and affection he could. He even stood up for them when their mother was struggling with them. As they grew up, they had a closer relationship with their dad than their mother, as kids remember.

The dad then met an incredible woman who showered the boy affectionately. When she passed away from early-onset Alzheimer's, they cried for days, as did the dad.

Remember, you're not alone. Many of us have been where you are now. Good luck, and we are here for you.

Reflog1791 · 2024-08-23T15:50:32+00:00

Counseling man. If funds are tight find something on YouTube. Basically comes down to breathing exercises and healthy habits every single day. Now I’m outta the woods and life is much much better. Take care of yourself man.

Movieman_Steve · 2024-08-23T14:59:25+00:00

Just take that feeling of love you were going to have for your ex and bestow on to your daughter from now on, but not in a creepy kind of way that will get you on a list. You'll realize that after time the only good thing to come out of your relationship with your ex is your daughter.

Bretweir_jerky · 2024-08-23T14:54:41+00:00

Typically because you spent so much time with them and the emasculation and manipulation efd up your brain. You let her lead so she could be “happy” although these creatures are never happy. So you’d adapt. And adapt, adapt, adapt until you’re really good at adapting. To her. Then she reveals the real plan and it’s the stereotypical cash and prizes for her, new men for her, the house for her, the kids for her and you get the bill. So you try to adapt… It’s gonna take awhile

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-08-23T13:53:10+00:00

It's like that in the beginning. After 18 months or so you won't even think of her once during the day. It is nirvana.

You got your family. In time you will realize your ex brought nothing to to the table you cannot provide yourself. You have your daughter. She was always and will always be the most important woman in your life.

You have won. You know how many guys are out there who put in the time, got divorced, and didn't even get a kid out of it? And now these men have to rely on finding another woman just to start a family and have to go through it all again. Remember that game snakes and ladders? You made it to the end my man, these other guys slid all the way back to the start.

You are stitting pretty and once you are done grieving the world is your oyster.

TheWormTurns22 · 2024-08-23T13:22:24+00:00

It may be so hard because you were only in it 10 years. Double that figure, and then all you feel is sweet sweet release from the nightmare she caused, and grieving because she turned your kids against you when SHE was the abuser. Do all you can to get every last ounce of custody you can with your daughter, and make very sure you NEVER speak ill of her mother to her. Ever. You have all the anger and feels, but dotter will never understand and will only blame YOU for anything bad you ever let slip to her what mama did. Your hope is she sees dear mumsy for the rotten humonculous she is when she's older. Now it's time to struggle for the maximum custody you can get.

2024-08-23T13:12:03+00:00

Rejection...Humans just can't accept rejection and it sucks...Trust me I understand.

My Wife wanted a Divorce from me because over the last 4 years there were 3 times during fights I said mean things...Now I will admit I 100% did and take responsibility for it and acknowledge I was wrong and worked on doing better.

But my Ex probably is hitting the 200 mark of horrible things she has said to me and the amount of times she just basically showed her friends and family were more important than me during hard times ( I had Mono and Strep throat and the lingering effects hit me hard at a party after I thought I was cured...She basically got annoyed and mad and told me to seem more awake instead of realizing and having us go home) The party was just at her sisters who she saw all the time and lived like 10 minutes away...She wanted the divorce and I still get these feelings of wanting to fix it even though I shouldn't

It's rejection and betrayal. We wonder how someone can actually do this to us. Truth is, some people just suck and give 0 fucks...But Life will get them.

twayevrynmeistkn · 2024-08-23T13:09:43+00:00

My situation seems very similar to yours. I have kind of settled into thinking I have to mourn the person she was, who she is in my head. The person she became is very different from the first.
The woman I fell in love with is gone, metaphorically dead.

EmotionSix · 2024-08-23T13:02:47+00:00

Some say the grief hits like death. I believe that is true. Daily I mourn the loss of my family and the future we believed in. Daily I am grateful for the love I share with my daughter even if I don’t see her that day.

Title	Letting go
Author	Nighthawk2824
Upvotes	37
Comments	56
Date	August 23, 2024 12:57 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ezc2or/letting_go/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/letting-go.1528111 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528111

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