Pre Divorce

NilEntity · 2025-12-18T10:07:47+00:00

Wtf?

"If you do these things I'll retract the knife a little bit to make you feel safe only to plunge it in again when I randomly feel like it"

Work together to save it? Yeah, that'd be productive and a good idea. But purely fulfill her requirements with her not doing anything?

In most cases it takes two to ruin a marriage, unless you're abusive etc. you're most likely not the only one at fault, it's not only your job to fix your issues, it's not only your problem to solve. She should be your partner, not your boss, handing you a list of tasks.

If she's willing to work on herself as well, fix her own shit, reflect, correct her own mistaktes, work WITH you, then I might agree, but not otherwise.

It's not even about "pride" or whatever, it's the only thing that makes sense. Even if you "fix" all your mistakes etc. but she does nothing, half of the source of the problem remains and simmers and will rear its head again in a different form some day. She'll find new things you do wrong that "force" her to divorce you unless you fix THAT list and it'll be another list after that and after that. And don't you DARE imply that SHE has anything to fix herself, that'll get you ANOTHER list.

It's absolutely worth it to sacrifice your pride to save your family for your children, but only if there's an actual point to it, an actual chance for it to work, which there isn't imho, if it's just one-sided like this.

I thought my ex-wife just randomly dropping the bomb (or actually not even that, I had to drag it out of her because she was too unable to communicate clearly to do even that by herself) with - according to her - zero chance to salvage things, too late for everything etc. (ok, at least THAT was clear, I'll grant her that) - I thought that was the worst that could happen.

But her just handing me a list of demands, without taking zero responsibility for her part in it, yeah, that might have been worse.

And what makes it worse, I could actually see myself thanking her for this chance, promising to do better etc. if she had handed me these demands that night.

BigBubbaMac · 2025-12-18T01:48:00+00:00

Yes and like the third time she shifted the goal post I realized it was just manipulation. I called her on it. She doubled down saying I was crazy and paranoid. and literally tried to have me committed to a mental hospital. If I agreed to go the marriage would be saved. I said no, I was done and I would rather be divorced.

LearnGrowExist · 2025-12-18T01:04:17+00:00

My ex wanted me to “work on” myself and “heal.” Little did she know that I would only ever be able to do so with her out of my life. Funny thing, that.

capnjackstation · 2025-12-17T22:50:41+00:00

That called the Pick Me Dance. Don’t bother it’s a moving goalpost. A waste of time and puts all the blame on you. It won’t change her mind anyway. Do a 180° and flip the script on her.

Intrepid-Scarcity486 · 2025-12-17T21:55:06+00:00

She mentioned them all in the beginning and I’ve now worked and grown on all her concerns, and am much more mentally healthy than I have been in years. I did all this work for myself and that’s all that matters. That’s said she’s still “confused” obviously because she was talking to this guy for 2 years sexting “sometimes” an now I’m even better than this guy but she won’t admit it to herself or me…. I told her when she walks out that door on our son and I it’s over and she’s begging for more time she has panic attacks that I asked her to leave before Christmas. She begged for the new year…. She’s in a fantasy world and delusional in my opinion.

I’m prepared to move on without her, with majority residential custody of our son.

mesi130 · 2025-12-17T21:10:38+00:00

I threatened to file for divorce and she gave me a list of what she wanted me to change!!

Hot-Ad-7424 · 2025-12-17T20:53:53+00:00

Mine told me I did these whole list of things wrong and that I had to work on all of them. But she didn’t know who she’d be in 6, 9, 12 months from now and couldn’t promise anything. This was all after asking for an open relationship and cheating on me btw.

WitchDoctor431 · 2025-12-17T20:46:18+00:00

From my understanding Penn State University did a study of like 3,000 people 97% of women would rather go to jail than to admit fault and 11% of men would rather go to jail then take responsibility and admit fault to something they did and out of 20 years of marriage I could probably only count Maybe less than 30 times that my wife has apologized to me for anything even something as simple as forgetting something from the store she would things like say things like I guess you should have sent me with a list

capnjackstation · 2025-12-17T20:43:11+00:00

That doesn't work - you are just bargaining. If you are already at the point of breaking up, there's no stopping it. If she gives you a list, it's likely to just justify what she ready wants to do but gives her an opportunity to blame you by saying you failed the things on the list. Don't set yourself up to fail. Just stop talking to her and have your attorney take it from here.

PS- the therapist makes more money the longer you stay in conflict, deferring the inevitable.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2025-12-17T19:57:23+00:00

We tried marriage therapy. Started out positive but took a turn when I tried to bring up what I needed to discuss, the deep important stuff (her drinking, dead bedroom, past trauma, etc…). So she got all her apologies, I understood her points, etc… but then wouldn’t return the favor and it all slipped away. 12 years married and 3 young kids torn apart all bc her selfish and narcissism.

Mister_Vandemar · 2025-12-17T19:54:28+00:00

Yes. She left with our child and then issued a complex ultimatum that, essentially, boiled down to agreeing to buying her dream house (that we couldn’t afford) and giving her complete control over our savings (she wasn’t working and didn’t intend to work, so she wanted control of my premarital accounts).

I agreed. Unconditional surrender.

I told her I would do whatever she required, but I said that I felt that she had a gun to my head.

She didn’t like that, so she filed.

I don’t know what your situation is, but there’s never any guarantee. I know, personally, that I could have possibly delayed the divorce, and maybe held things together for a while, but it still would have been living under a sword of Damocles.

Unusual_Leather6434 · 2025-12-17T19:48:52+00:00

Yea, she was clear about what she wanted me to change. I did everything she requested and I genuinely did those for me not for her, as she requested.

Once all was done and it was time for her to make her part. Then since she had no longer stuff to deflect on to in order to avoid responsibilities, she started suggesting that if I am not happy, to divorce her. When this didn't work and I ask to go to counseling, then after reporting as much as possible she ended up saying she wants a separation.

Anything to avoid any accountability, they are never wrong. I am devastated but relieved.

Brave-Swordfish9748 · 2025-12-17T19:47:20+00:00

Wife gave me a post-nup to make her feel “safe” enough to save the marriage. I said hell no. Make your decision.

FUMoney · 2025-12-17T19:42:50+00:00

Did anyone else’s wife/ex wife give them a list of shit to do and if/when completed the marriage would be “saved”?

Doesn't matter. It was over the moment you were told she believes the relationship is in trouble, or needs saving.

When a female takes this step and voices her discontent, it's been building for months, and likely a year or more. That's why 99% of the time, it's over and divorce is guaranteed. Therapy: total, complete waste of time and money.

Title	Pre Divorce
Author	ebmattman69
Upvotes	13
Comments	41
Date	December 17, 2025 7:31 PM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1pp5p7d/pre_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/pre-divorce.1569073 https://theredarchive.com/post/1569073

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