Tired man

ConfidenceTough690 · 2021-06-29T18:28:44+00:00

No kids? Run away from her ASAP

The_Arch1tect1 · 2021-06-29T18:18:37+00:00

Leave..This is what alot of woman do once they get married. I divorced my wife at 33 and my life changed for the better. No more dumping all my resources on someone who didn't give 2 shits. It won't get any better. Go your own way. Just be grateful you don't have kids with this woman.

HerbEverstanks · 2021-06-29T18:19:49+00:00

You are not the only one. Re read the 2 previous comments. They are 100% true. You need to get out of this now because you will be (comfortably?) miserable - or just miserable. Do not have children with her because that will turn your 18 months into 18 YEARS. You can't love someone who doesn't love themselves.

When people at my work asked me if I have any children (I work with new people most days I'm at work), I'd tell them I just have a 38 year old wife, she's a big teenager. That helped me realize that I was (comfortably) miserable, and I started being a detective to find her adultery.

Once I started making alot of money she decided she didn't want to work any more. She was playing the long game. She knew that I would get a high paying job and she waited for it. (7years of marriage and 9 years total). She told me that me getting this job was a huge mistake (1st year pay is very low). Once she saw how much I make in the 2nd year, her face lit up like I've never seen. The only other time I saw her this happy was when I proposed.. She was so happy, and now I know why. She got what she's always wanted. - $$$. She's the type of person that will get married a week after my spousal support payments are over.

I call my spousal support payment a child support payment. The divorce court and judge allows her to be an unproductive member of society, reaping the benefits of my work while she does nothing and stays in the house where we lived. They value her continuing substance abuse over my contribution to society with my labor and knowledge.

Think of it this way - you just met your wife. She is lazy and wants to do the same thing my stbx did.

MakeItSoQ · 2021-06-29T21:47:18+00:00

I found myself in a very similar situation to you in my 20s. I was getting to the point you are at right now, but she convinced me to have a kid with her and then all hell broke loose. I completely lost control of my life. Every boundary I would try to set regarding financial responsibility, or even just how I allocate my time to balance work and unwinding stress, was countered with divorce threats. Our child became leverage for her to win petty arguments.

I am very much like you in that I did my best to fulfill the role of being the family provider when needed, but that generosity was not reciprocated. Like your situation, my now-soon-to-be-ex-wife refused to work, or even just help out by making us some food to eat or clearing dishes out of the way so I can cook. She became a very bored person, and towards the end blamed me for not entertaining her enough with quirky fun dates out because I was too busy being a dad and doing things like teaching my kid how to ride a bicycle and helping her build Lego sets.

All this culminated in my wife cheating on me with an ex-boyfriend, filing for divorce, and treating me like a worthless piece of garbage after taking care of her for 13 years. I have no leverage on her. She's attractive, so can hook up with other men whenever she wants. Even the financial support I've given her is meaningless to her because her rich dad just bought her brand new furniture and appliances, and she has such a backup of income that she doesn't miss or notice what I provided her through my hard work at all.

As you can see, the situation you are in can spiral out of control very easily as it did for me. It's like you are at the top of the roller coaster and you have an opportunity to get off right now before she takes you for a ride. You've given her ample opportunity to change and self-improve, but it's pretty clear after several years that it ain't gonna happen. There is nowhere to go from here but down.

My suggestion is that you research the divorce laws in your locality before making a move. Laws vary greatly from state to state. For example, in some states like Indiana alimony is only awarded under a strict set of conditions and there are limits. In Illinois, it's automatic, and the longer you are married the longer you will be paying alimony. Been married too long? You might end up paying a third of your income to her for life. If you're in an unfavorable locality, it might even be worthwhile to try getting a job in a state that is more favorable and just say you're moving for work. Live there just long enough to establish residency. Just eat the financial losses, learn, and move on - be grateful kids are not involved which would make things REALLY messy.

Also, start talking to attorneys and shop around for one you like. Use a site like findlaw.com and start cold calling. Most lawyers will give you a free consultation. Personally, I would rather work with an independent attorney than a big firm that might stick you with anybody.

Don't talk to her about this because it will give your soon-to-be ex the heads up to prepare. She will likely try to convince you that she will make things better, show her good side so that you put your guard down long enough for her to make her own Plan B. You already got divorce on your mind. If you're here, you're already there ready for divorce. Trust me, you are where I was at in 2016 and I kept postponing the inevitable.

thefudmaster · 2021-06-29T19:46:47+00:00

Get out now before children enter the picture.

Mikesgt · 2021-06-29T18:03:07+00:00

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a daycare. I know you are worried about what happens to her if you split, but honestly you need to worry about yourself more. Can you see yourself living the rest of your life like this? It sounds miserable.

Get an attorney and figure out what the financials will look like (alimony, splitting of debt, etc). You need to get out of this, it is a toxic relationship. You will be doing her a favor, it will force her to learn how to survive on her own in life.

vindevman · 2021-06-29T18:19:30+00:00

Just yesterday I told her." It doesn't exist even the minimum possibility that we can work on agreements and live a life that matches of what we both want in life? Not only the way that you think a marriage should be?"

Her response : " What I want isn't bad, it's not wrong to want a husband that cares only for me"

Is that even possible ? A man that only cares a bout his wife without taking care of his parents, siblings, family, friends and having his own hobbies. She always says that I am the selfish one

sicrm · 2021-06-29T20:02:15+00:00

meet with a lawyer and start working on a plan to leave ASAP.

if you have a kid with her, she’ll ruin your life.

the damage you’re looking at now is nothing compared to what you’re in for if you stay and add a kid to this.

Hot-Huckleberry5736 · 2021-06-29T20:40:35+00:00

Reading this and responses. You need to leave her and quit trying to talk to her. She wants a simp who will pour money on only her wants and needs. In other words a drone with no brain that dispenses $$$. Do you have a brain sir? I believe you do. She switched up on you once. Bold face lied to be honest cause she did nothing she said she would. Count your blessings it wasn’t 10 years and get better

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-06-29T17:59:42+00:00

Women are the most responsible teenager in the house. As you've learned the hard way, don't listen to what she says. Watch what she does.

> I know she would get part of my income every month

But not for long. With a 3 year marriage, at most you're looking at paying 18 months of spousal support (half the duration the marriage).

crypto_keeper88 · 2021-06-29T22:43:20+00:00

You are a prisoner in your own home. You stopped living life for yourself....why would you do that? What does she do to add value to your life? She isn't a partner, she's a selfish leach. Time to move on to greener pastures.

YesAmAThrowaway · 2021-06-29T21:12:14+00:00

From what this sounds like, she's treating you like property and exploiting you for your investment in a relationship and the fruits of your labour. Make sure she doesn't get anything from the divorce settlement. You earned all of that for yourself.

Any marriage, or relationship for that matter, is a mutual effort. This problem you have cannot be solved through talking or couple therapy. It is so severe that you better not bother with her and get out.

And make sure to not get her pregnant.

DatabaseSpace · 2021-06-29T21:50:13+00:00

The length of time you will have to pay her alimony or spousal support is based on how long you are married. You may have to pay her for 1 to 1.5 years if you get out now. In some states if you go over 10 years you could have to pay them for life.

jnuttsishere · 2021-06-29T22:55:10+00:00

Do not buy a house with this woman. Screen attorneys in your area. Make sure you read up on what not to do in the lead up to a divorce. Get out now while the penalties are still small and manageable.

Gunslinger1925 · 2021-06-30T03:02:56+00:00

I cannot echo what others have already said. You need to look out for yourself. I equate to “company loyalty”. Used to be, you could spend your whole life working for an organization. They’d have your back for life. Now? Doesn’t matter how “loyal” you are to them - they’ll have your replacement in mind before they throw you out. In your situation, it’s time to separate ways. She’ll survive.

It sounds harsh, but in your situation without kids, you are all that matters.

relu998 · 2021-06-30T04:57:56+00:00

I hear ya brother!
I am in a very similar spot with my wife being a big child (except she has a job).
Get out before you have kids. I made the mistake of staying, had a kid also hoping she would be more responsible towards him, but ended up neglecting the basic safety measures for the poor creature (who also got sick and injured a number of times, fortunately not bad).
Said she would change, threatened me of divorce if we didn't have another kid. Despite me refusing, she either cheated and got pregnant or sabotaged my safety measures for intimacy (yeah).
Save yourself till you can, it will only get worse.

throwaway_b1978 · 2021-06-30T05:05:24+00:00

The longer you stay married to her, the worse your divorce will be.

Rip off the band aid and start divorce proceedings ASAP.

SwamiSweatSocks · 2021-06-30T05:28:03+00:00

You're in a short term marriage, I think there is limited alimony depending on where you live.

wolfgambrelli · 2021-06-30T06:38:24+00:00

I hate people like this. Disgusting, vile leeches on other people

womenthro · 2021-07-01T00:10:49+00:00

Get the hell out, buddy. Expect every single emotion from her. It's all panic. She's going to try extreme love, but if that doesn't work almost instantly she'll switch to despair and then anger.

She is worthless to you, less in fact. She's detrimental. If you're working three jobs to pay all the bills and she's staying home all day with no kids then your house should be fucking spotless all the time.

vindevman · 2021-07-03T05:43:05+00:00

I don't know if I should update the original post or just add comments but I have some fresh news. The goal is to make her sign the divorce as she was the one asking for it and of course in that document it says she doesn't want any % of my income, she will only receive like $ 3,000 in terms on compensation. I convinced her that this is the best option because she will only need to sign the document and nobody is going to bother her again, I will take care of the lawyers and going to court to accept the divorce

Right now she is in a position were she doesn't need or want anything from me but the cash (her words) so I plan on taking advantage of it. I don't know if this is going to work out but it worths the try.

vindevman · 2021-06-30T00:07:47+00:00

I just saw a therapist (we have been on couple therapy for over a month) even the therapist recommended me to avoid having kids and if that if I really want to be with her it will take years of therapy.

I will speak with her about sleeping in separated rooms tonight, I see a lot of "I'm sorry" and crying coming. I hope to be strong guys. Wish me luck (she knows how to manipulate me)

Intelligent-Ad-9673 · 2021-06-30T04:36:37+00:00

Honestly kinda going through the same thing minus the family aspect. Just told her tonight that’s enough was enough. I drank a lot in the first part of the marriage (army guy just got through an amputation) and she said I’d I didn’t change soon she’d leave. So I changed almost over night with my drinking. Now any time I have a drink she’s asking me why I’m drinking so much. Meanwhile she a mean person to begin with so I told her from the get go of us getting married that she needed to change and still hasn’t. So I know I probably should’ve not started the marriage in the first place but it seemed like love.

SupaFlyslammajammazz · 2021-06-30T06:57:49+00:00

It’s not the divorce that will get you, it’s the limited time and high child support from potential kids.

hombredelgato · 2021-06-30T09:12:31+00:00

Run… Don’t walk.

Bioshock_Jock · 2021-06-30T16:18:27+00:00

Go before kids, and do it sooner rather than later. You're still young. She sounds super toxic and controlling and it's only going to get worse.

pegleg_legal · 2021-07-02T04:19:14+00:00

Stay strong brother - create some physical distance if you gotta do it. Cut her as big of a check as it takes to buy your life back. No kids, you can find someone who will be a great wife and mother - and it ain't her.

I've seen a lot of shit and you should count your lucky stars you don't have kids.

EDIT: Clean break - no ongoing obligations that don't have hard, non-modifiable end dates.

Life preserver deployed.

pegleg_legal · 2021-07-02T04:24:38+00:00

Today she was very calm saying that she won't force me to do anything and if I already took a decision then she won't try to make me stay. I am seeing a lawyer today

Dude, you do what you do. She will throw every trick in the book at you. Chameleon mode. She's just seeing what buttons she can push and as soon as she finds one to push, she will keep pressing it.

Control Communications: ghost if possible, slow if not. Do not read or respond to any messages in under 10 minutes. Turn off sending your read notifications if possible. If she calls, auto respond that you'll call her later.

EDIT: If she remains calm and cooperative - she's fucking planning something so watch your shit. Change your passwords, get anything you treasure out of there. Be stealthy. Get her out of the house for a few hours if at all possible or take advantage of the time she's gone to get your shit on lockdown.

Ounce of prevention.

Title	Tired man
Author	vindevman
Upvotes	24
Comments	48
Date	June 29, 2021 5:50 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/oadfh7/tired_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/tired-man.816612 https://theredarchive.com/post/816612

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