Trauma from divorce holding me back.

The_Spicy_Sage · 2026-06-22T18:41:41+00:00

Yeah you got what you deserved and instead of being a man about it you're being a guy. Maybe you should have not whining about not being screwed by your ex and instead locked in and fixed your part of the issue. Also, looking for escorts is still cheating, your ex is a victim. I mean you screwed her when she didn't want it. Grow up, own what you did so you won't break another human being. Or stay a guy and focus on your outward appearance and how much your pp gets touched.

Strict_Progress7876 · 2025-12-06T01:09:48+00:00

Get out there, enjoy life, and just don’t get married again. You can have a great relationship without involving the government and risking all you’ve built.

ShaunyP_OKC · 2025-07-02T14:16:37+00:00

Get your ass to the gym and get yourself some testosterone. Flirt with women, but don't date. Once your self esteem and health improves you'll have more pussy than you can dream of. I promise you. Therapy will only get you so far as a man. I know it's such a cliche, but there's no substitute for lifting heavy weights, especially if you've been traumatized.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2025-07-01T20:18:37+00:00

It's important to come to terms with the fact that she is no longer the person you knew, and the individual present now is different. To help navigate this change, you might consider researching strategies like "Doing the 180" and "Grey Rocking." These techniques can provide you with effective ways to cope with the new dynamics in your home and encourage a healthier environment for everyone involved.

NerveWeird7464 · 2025-07-01T19:44:24+00:00

Hi, you’re not alone in this. What you’re describing is deep trauma, grief, and confusion about worth, safety, and consent, and all of that deserves compassion.You’ve been through a profound rupture, not just of your marriage, but of your self-image, your sexuality, and your nervous system’s trust in connection. That’s not weakness. That’s trauma trying to protect you. It makes sense that you’re afraid. It makes sense that your body said “no.” It makes sense that you shut down desire, because right now, it doesn’t feel safe to want anything, especially something as vulnerable and relational as sex. What you shared about your ex’s narrative and your fears around past sex matters deeply. I want to name two things gently: Sexual trauma can go both ways, being sexualized when your partner doesn’t want it is painful for both people. But that doesn’t mean you’re a monster. It means there’s a rupture of trust and communication that’s causing you pain now, and you’re naming it with incredible honesty. That matters. You deserve a space, like therapy, where you’re not pathologized, rushed, or told to “just date again.” Because this isn’t about getting back out there. It’s about reclaiming your right to be in your body without fear.

You are not broken because you’re scared. You are already healing because you’re asking, naming, and not numbing this.Keep going slowly. You don’t have to date. You don’t have to want. You only have to stay curious enough to meet yourself right here.

You’re not irredeemable. You’re grieving. You’re worthy of love that doesn’t cost you your safety.

falcon0221 · 2025-07-01T17:54:45+00:00

In that situation right now except I haven’t tried any dating and don’t want to.

ExpiredPleaseUpdate · 2025-07-01T13:55:40+00:00

Being 2 months out of 18-years marriage is nothing, even with prior separation for a year.

I'd expect you have not had enough time to heal yet.

That said, if you had sex with her while she clearly indicated she did not want it, the price is yours to pay. But consider this: as much as it was your responsibility not to do things she doesn't like to her, it was her responsibility to make it clear she doesn't like them anymore.

It's very easy for a lady to decide post-factum that she didn't like sex because she wouldn't like it now, but if she was okay with it (even though not particularly enthusiastic) at the moment when it happened, then you are in the clear.

I had something of a similar accusation from my first ex, that "weird sex" with me traumatized her and I should now compensate her and pay for her rehabilitation. I laughed at her. We had vanilla sex, quite boring at that, and she was fine with it when it happened. She only discovered her "trauma" well into divorce.

-NukeX- · 2025-07-01T12:17:35+00:00

I was in the same situation 4 years ago. I was doing everything for the family while she sat her butt in the couch and did nothing. Self esteem went down to nothing. Her narrative was the same as your ex. She was abusing adderall and getting drunk quite often. She started losing her mind and I was awarded emergency custody for something I'd rather not share. The first 6 months were a very dark place. I was ashamed of the failed marriage and just tried to "man up" and deal with it alone. This is not healthy. Finding a good therapist made a huge difference. I decided I wasn't going to let her win, and worked on myself to become the best version of me I could become. I started learning to be by myself and enjoy the week I didn't have the kids. I started working out and hiking. It's amazing how getting into shape and working out will do wonders for your mind. I found hiking groups and started socializing more. I started eating out solo and learned to love it. I started making friends that I would hang out with in my hiking group. I started opening up to all my close friends about everything. Once I did, it changed everything. Having friends to open up to made a huge difference. I started to get my confidence back. Women started noticing me and flirting. I took 2 years to myself to get where I wanted to be before I started thinking about dating. If you don't have anyone to talk to, I'm more than happy to be a listener. It will get better. Don't let her win. Use the time to focus on yourself and becoming the best Dad you can be. Your kids will see the change and the bond will grow. I'm in the best place in my life I've ever been. The Ex...well, not so much. She's just miserable and jumping from failed relationship to failed relationship. You can do this.

coffeemugdunker · 2025-07-01T11:36:33+00:00

This is scarilly similar to my story. Timeline is slight different but it's fucked up that women do this and think it's ok. I'm honestly broken and can only imagine being alone for the rest of my life. At 49 this scares me so much..

MR-Ozmidnight · 2025-07-01T07:11:01+00:00

I understand your feelings, and it's clear we've both faced some challenging experiences in our lives. It's interesting how similar our paths can be, despite the differences. I remember a difficult moment with my ex-partner when intimacy became a struggle, leading to an unfortunate end to our relationship. It still stings, especially knowing she was unfaithful, but I've learned a lot since then.

As you navigate your journey, it might be helpful to remember that the person you married isn't the same as the person you divorced. While she may look familiar, it’s important to recognise that people change. Allow yourself the space to heal and focus on moving forward. It's natural to feel a mix of emotions, similar to what one might experience with PTSD, but you will find a way to cope and grow.

Take the time you need to process everything. It’s not about proving your attractiveness or worth to anyone else; it's about rediscovering yourself. I recommend diving into insightful books like "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy." These resources could provide valuable perspectives and help you understand your situation better.

Moreover, investing in yourself is crucial. Start by embracing activities that make you feel good, whether exercising or pursuing new hobbies. Physical activity can be a great way to clear your mind while also preparing you for future connections.

Remember, you are not defined by your past relationships; they are part of your journey, but they don't dictate your future. It's possible to find joy again, just as I did when I met someone who truly appreciated me for who I am. I lost her 9 years ago to early-onset Alzheimer's. It was heartbreaking, but the love we shared enriched my life in so many ways.

Stay positive and optimistic. Each day is a new opportunity to embrace life and look forward to the happiness that lies ahead. Keep smiling, and take care of yourself; you will emerge stronger and ready for the wonderful experiences that await you.

vamos_davai · 2025-07-01T05:44:53+00:00

Not divorced, but I read somewhere that the trauma will last for 8 years. Other guys might confirm or deny how long it took to get over their divorce

upvotersfortruth · 2025-07-01T04:21:29+00:00

Oh man, I can’t imagine this. I hope you can work through it - you deserve to give and receive love and affection.

No_Pace2396 · 2025-07-01T04:07:19+00:00

About the same here. There's some stuff about how being in a narcissistic relationship induces a trauma response, and how in divorce the narcissist goes all in with tearing you down because they know the game is over. That's where I am, and the court process just piled it all on. Still in survival mode from the divorce and other things. 3 years out now, and it's not all the divorce, but relationships don't much interest me for about the same reasons. I'll meet somebody and then just noncommit and let it fade. Don't want to be a doormat again, don't want to fall into people pleasing that ends up being that endless cycle of disappointment to make me try harder. Not interested in dealing with some damaged woman's shit. Not interested in putting my shit out there to be judged.

divorceCourtisABiz · 2025-06-30T23:47:18+00:00

Happen to me the same way. Panic attacks for a year after i left a pathological liar and cheat. She continues her "craft" years later still. What helped me? I couldnt get up either. Met an asian lady that just wanted a good time. Didnt speak a lick of english. She stroked it until it finally worked. When it finally worked it was like a fountain. She moved on and as did i. Hapilly living in a blended family. One thing i am thankful for is never continuing with a shrink. I tried a few and realized these people are missing all the content and context. I know this is not a popular opinion. I came up from the gutter. I seen it all and experienced some of the worst stuff in my days. A shrink could not help me. Just needed a good woman

mchop68 · 2025-06-30T22:47:27+00:00

I’ve been doing the same thing to myself. Allowing her to make me believe that I only saw her as a piece of meat. That I never loved her. That I was emotionally absent. All the things that cut deep into my heart. Feeling unworthy, feeling like a failed partner. But recently I’ve been reflecting through my lens. What were her flaws? Why is her relationship with our daughters so fragile? Why does she no longer talk to her mother, grandmother, and siblings? Why doesn’t she have any friends?

While I accepted some of her hard truths, she had her own patterns that were equally destructive if not more. I’m forgiving myself. Forgiving the man I wasn’t because I did not know more. That I found myself after it was too late.

No one deserves to be alone. It’s a choice, not a punishment. Find your goodness, pour into that and remember your next person you will have the tools to be a better partner. The next time you have sex it won’t be a chore. It will be a moment of deeper connection.

Stay strong king! You’ll be alright.

ApprehensiveSpare925 · 2025-06-30T22:43:59+00:00

Same here. I find almost all women unattractive (like 99.5%). I shudder at the thought of another relationship (been cheated on in two relationships, one was a girlfriend and my STBXW). Going thru a brutal divorce. Why bother with relationships when I will probably be cheated on?

I have just been working on myself. Being the best dad I can be. Seeing a therapist. Getting back into my old interests. Reconnecting with old friends. Working out a lot (people have been commenting that I have gotten huge. That feels good, ego boost). Taking MMA classes. I suggest working out, seeing your therapist and finding old/new interests. Maybe that will get your mind off it.

I probably have the same problem as you. I am horny as hell. I just miss the sex part of a relationship but not the actual relationship itself.

LearnGrowExist · 2025-06-30T21:57:00+00:00

Could’ve written this myself almost word for word save for the age. I’m sorry, man. Shit is terrible.

Slowloris81 · 2025-06-30T21:56:21+00:00

It takes time to heal. It’s ok not to be ready yet. It took me about 2 1/2 years after the separation to feel ready to date again.

Able_Buy_7859 · 2025-06-30T21:54:40+00:00

Brother, I feel all this. 48 and divorced for 5 years.

I actually lost a shit ton of weight our Iast year together. I was ripped up. I was trying everything and everything to relight the fire.

She was cold, quiet, silent, and already gone in her mind.

I was broken mentally and emotionally. I went on a tear through divorced women after we split up. I needed all the things that were being denied by my wife. I needed validation on all fronts. I didn't do that for too long.

I'm still broken by it all. I don't use apps anymore (more than two years now.) I actually do not find women attractive at this point in my life. I'm not driven by sex or seek it out anymore. All of the cons outweigh the pros when dealing with modern women. They are too entitled, privileged, and exhausting. I don't want to be here. I wanted to be a good husband like the rest of us. Yeah, all of that fucks with your head and libido.

It's okay not to want it right now. It actually shows me how good your character is. You are mentally and emotionally upset, because you didn't want your wife to have sex with you unless she wanted to. That makes you a good dude.

whoisgodiam · 2025-06-30T21:50:52+00:00

Dude, go lift some weights and eat red meat.

fewdo · 2025-06-30T21:49:19+00:00

Yup! I have had almost the same experience. My ex didn't accuse me like that but it still took a long time to think of women as anything but dangerous. For a while I would look at women, enjoy their appearance for a second, then think "if I dated and married her, that glance would still be the best part of the whole thing." Then it got worse and I started pretending they didn't exist at all.

I thought a woman was hitting on me once and I had to nope out of the restaurant. The guy hosting the event offered to ban someone just from the look on my face as I left. (I declined, it was my issue not hers)

I don't know what changed but I have a date planned. It took more than a year (15mo?) to get to that point. I'm still kinda nervous. I went to therapy but iunno how much that helped.

Honestly, some of the red pill bullsh*t helped. It kinda got me out of thinking that all women are perfect and right all the time. They are also one of the only places online where you can find people supporting men.

fffrdcrrf · 2025-06-30T21:44:33+00:00

It’s okay to take your time with healing yourself. Forgive yourself, forgive her, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be angry with what she did. Screw her dude, you’re a man and the world is yours now to live freely without walking on eggshells around her. Let her stupid bullshit go, she probably wasn’t perfect herself. You need to come through, if not for yourself then for those still in your corner or the rest of us men going through similar situations that need the inspiration.

tyyyy110 · 2025-06-30T21:41:29+00:00

Mate.....SNAP out of this!!! You've allowed her to paint you into something you're not! It's NOTHING wrong with finding a woman attractive! And there's certainly nothing wrong with having sex with one! You're a free man! She's (your ex) has done a hellva of a (manipulative) job in making you feel bad for what is a part of your natural DNA.

Title	Trauma from divorce holding me back.
Author	Firstborn3
Upvotes	43
Comments	37
Date	June 30, 2025 9:30 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1lojv8c/trauma_from_divorce_holding_me_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/trauma-from-divorce-holding-me-back.1556046 https://theredarchive.com/post/1556046

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