Why don’t you hear it from them?

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-03-27T21:15:35+00:00

Women REALLY fear judgement from the group. Men are more willing to accept blame and humiliation. It why you hear all the divorced guys say “accountability is woman’s kryptonite”. It’s cause accountability is a masculine trait and requires public judgement. Thats why we formed hierarchies like military and corporations, courts of law, etc. Facts/logic matter more to us.

Women put a premium on inclusion. Ostracization is their mortal fear. Facts are not as important as emotions and sympathy. Some of it is social but most of it is biological. She initiated. She cheated. She cannot let any guilt show. She has to prove how happy she is now, otherwise it might let on that she may have made a mistake. Too much to face.

Friendly-Platypus607 · 2025-03-26T03:06:14+00:00

I think it's bc most of the dudes having a hard time are the ones that post about it. The guy who had a great divorce that was mutual and amicable probably isn't coming to Reddit to complain or vent about it.

TheGreatSageAndOnion · 2025-03-24T02:26:34+00:00

I’ve been separated twice from my stbx(xx). Both times she was stoic. Matter of fact and everything is fine and the kids are happier.

When we got back together she shared she was distraught, upset..everything a normal person should feel. She never wanted to be seen as weak.

If they have a new boy toy or instigated it, they were checked out ages ago and had gone through their 6 stages of grief while they were still with you (all broad strokes ofc)

Rare_Technology5910 · 2025-03-23T02:35:06+00:00

They’re definitely feeling the pain. They are just better at hiding it.

esperanzanao · 2025-03-23T01:04:21+00:00

Women have considered marriage an at-will situation for decades. Guys need to realize we are batting from way behind on this stuff.

Here's a good example. My coworker knew in year 5 she wanted to divorce. Used the guy for another 4 years, then divorced in year 9 when all her ducks were in a row. Literally 45% of the marriage done in bad faith.

You know how many married guys would be shocked to hear that? On the flip side, she could tell that story in front of a hundred women and it would barely move the needle.

Grafixx5 · 2025-03-23T00:39:02+00:00

Thanks for the responses. I’m hoping it all goes the way I am thinking in my head. I’ve already lost weight. Don’t really give a shyte, it’s just very tense and awkward in the house because of her. I’m looking at switching careers and going into law now as well and hopefully can do it because I’ve been trying but because I’ve been the one that does literally EVERYTHING in and outside the house, I’ve never been able to study for the LSAT. She said she wanted me to but never really supported it.

Sam_N_Emmy · 2025-03-22T16:52:52+00:00

My ex was like that. Nothing was her fault and until she had to actually admit on record, she wasn’t cheating. She showed no remorse and had no emotion whatsoever.

She got screwed in the divorce and the only thing she ever showed was anger. She’s gone through multiple relationships after and each time showing no remorse for destroying the relationship.

In the only civil 10 minutes we have spoken in ten years post divorce, she admitted regret. Only in the sense that she got away with so much with me and had no idea what she unleashed once she was caught.

I’ve heard similar stories from both men and women. I think those that blow up the marriage, do so knowingly and are prepared emotionally for what’s to come. They don’t show regret because they have none.

CharacterProper8732 · 2025-03-22T16:23:07+00:00

No one is more evil than the most evil person in our own minds. This isn’t to say your stbxw isn’t a colossal POS and hasn’t wrecked your shit, but that your suffering might be coming from inside your own house. (https://www.shamashalidina.com/blog/pain-suffering-story).

Imagine how much easier it would be if we moved towards just not giving a single turd about them. We might succeed, we might not, but boy howdy is it a waste to spend a single moment letting them have room rent free in your head. For me, once I moved in that direction, her absolutely abysmal behavior became super apparent.

GenX_Flex · 2025-03-22T16:19:52+00:00

My ex filed 15 months ago. I moved out 9 months ago. Of course her shit didn’t stink and so I went the through the phases I had to go through.

Now I’ve completely flipped the script and you can too fellas. Fuck her.

Life is good. Living my best life. Lots of women looking for a guy who knows what a shit show looks like. Zero tolerance for BS now.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2025-03-22T15:12:42+00:00

Someone will never be the villain of his/her own story.

People will always provide rationalizations and justifications for what they did.

To show remorse or even admit that the section to file for divorce hurt someone would be admitting that your decision caused that pain.

However, for whatever reason, the allure of being the victim (and therefore blameless) seems to be stronger in women that men. When someone casts the self as a victim,they don't need to feel regret or remorse because the situation was not their fault.

Thus, to admit fault, remorse, regret, or acknowledge that your actions had consequences is to admit that you were not a victim but a responsible party who contributed to the failure of the relationship.

Personally, my STBXW will never admit regret or that her decision to divorce me has caused an extreme amount of pain and hurt. Instead of admitting that her decision adverse consequences not only for me but also the kids, she shifts the blame to me.

Men are generally raised to view weakness as one of the worst traits in a man. And being a victim is a confession to being weak. Therefore being a victim is one of the worst things you could be.

I denied being a victim of my STBXW's emotional abuse for years. I didn't even think twice about it when she hit me during arguments or threw her phone at me breaking a window. Even when friends confronted me, I denied it and downplayed her actions. It wasn't until she accused me of emotional abuse that I finally realized it was all projection and I was the victim of her actions.

Inevitable_Repair330 · 2025-03-22T14:58:14+00:00

There's no way you haven't heard of Walkaway Wife syndrome, I see it discussed on Reddit all the time. I realise 9/10 sources on it are insanely biased but idk how this question is still being asked when it's the single most observable overlap between male and female divorce discussions. This is like wondering why the math ain't mathing when you're insistent on 2+2=5

DarbyCreekDeek · 2025-03-22T14:37:09+00:00

Short answer: it’s hard to believe how much actual evil there is in the world. It’s hard to believe how much people delight simply in evil for its own sake. They somehow see viciously attacking someone as a victory for themselves.

LoveCrispApples · 2025-03-22T13:05:00+00:00

Entitlement.

We, as men, were taught very early on how we should treat a lady. And they are taught what should be expected from a gentleman.

NEVER the other way around.

So, we base our happiness on the lives we build and our experiences with the people we love. Safety, security, promise. VOWS. It seems women often look at the things they FEEL are lacking, and instead of building with us, they'll look elsewhere because that's what they've been programmed to do. Hence, the blatant refusal of accountability.

regertsrus · 2025-03-22T12:23:17+00:00

They dont show remourse because lying has been normalized by the courts. Because through all the lies, they take more than half and are applauded with money, time, freedom. It is for this reason and many others, i believe the divorce courts are aiding the downfall of familial values. This is why the judges even write into their discussions "do not talk about court proceedings and matters to the kids". They do this so that we are scared of losing the kids and so that we never tell them about court clerk circle jerk. Because if the men that are aware, made their kids aware, no man would ever marry. That is why the marriage rate here fell off a cliff and that is why i tell my kids exactly what the court deems a secret.

Camping_Dad_RC · 2025-03-22T09:05:16+00:00

You’re getting what you are exposing yourself to. Go over to any of the infidelity subs and you’ll find plenty of women dealing with this exact situation.

This isn’t a gendered issue, it is a cheater issue. Sure there are some obvious financial injustices men are more likely to face, but that is much bigger and broader conversation.

Your ex is a cheater. She is a selfish, entitled person of low moral and ethical character. She also happens to be a woman. She could be all those same things and be a man, and there are plenty of cases of it.

Acidhouse2137 · 2025-03-22T07:14:16+00:00

Those women are often cluster B. Lacking empathy. Solipsism in full bloom.

roshi-roshi · 2025-03-22T06:09:26+00:00

Yes. No sympathy. Just stonewalling while I have to leave my house and lose everything. Everything except 50% of the time with my son. Forcing him to no longer be settled in one place, but have to go back and forth. It’s inhumane and absolutely cruel. God I never wanted this for him. I cannot believe this happened to me, yet my heart breaks for him. Kids need to be settled in one place with parents that have their back no matter what. It’s a living nightmare. I know he’ll be ‘ok’ yet I’m a child of divorce. I’ve never been ok. Why why why is she doing this? Does she not love our sons? I’m in such agony and I can do nothing about it. God I love my boys so much. For them to suffer is unbearable. The shame and guilt I feel. It’s surreal. Absolutely surreal.

EntranceInitial6448 · 2025-03-22T05:36:32+00:00

I see lots of divorced women online who are ranting about not being able to find men after they leave their husband. You can check out ‘Ace Nate’ channel on YouTube.

probebeta · 2025-03-22T03:22:09+00:00

I dont think they got it any easier. Divorced men have learnt their lesson, are working on themselves, rebuilding, and being better men, dating younger, but they won't fall on the same trap again. Women now have to deal with "that", or have to settle for something less who they'll probably cheat on anyway given the opportunity. Sounds kind of rough if you ask me.

Confident-Crawdad · 2025-03-22T03:18:34+00:00

Men tend to make their wives and family into the context by which they define happiness

cera6798 · 2025-03-22T02:52:58+00:00

It's not just men that feel that way. But when your viewpoint is an echo chamber; you will believe that.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2025-03-22T02:52:04+00:00

The reason it’s so hard for men is most of us were too damn busy taking care of her to realize she was out w the AP. She most likely hid it from us until it was way too late.

Of course we’re going to be depressed when it’s much harder for us, as discarded men, to find another relationship. For a woman it’s a matter of going where men are and just not ignoring or denying the attention she’ll inevitably get. For us, even if we’re really good looking (which I happen to believe I am) it’s not easy when we need to do all the work (approaching, etc.). For some divorced men, they’re looking at possibly years of no sex.

Is it a surprise at all divorced men as a group are depressed? Not to me, a divorced man (who is no longer depressed)

Conscious-Ad-7338 · 2025-03-22T02:29:06+00:00

It's called being discarded by a narcissist. You know how these women all go around calling their exes "narcissists"? That's because psychological projection is one of the main signs of narcissism; therefore labeling others narcissists a blatant indicator that someone is actually a narcissistic person themselves. Modern women are the most narcissistic, entitled, selfish, downright evil people to ever live. All the signs are there; discarding good men, inflated sense of self worth, vindictiveness, entitlement, refusing to take accountability. The way you defeat narcissists is by not reaching to their provocations, ignoring them, and if/when you have a chance to dish out revenge you'd better serve it cold and devastating. Although living well is often the best revenge against narcissistic victimizers

DIRTYxWAFFLE · 2025-03-22T02:10:57+00:00

Man after years of my ex cheating on me with her boss and I still stuck around to try to make it work. You know what she did in return? Nothing to make it better and was happy being complacent. So fucking bye. Now I got the house, 50/50 with the kids, and dating this absolutely gorgeous 31 year old (I’m 40) who’s so damn excited about me, loving, attentive, all the sex I can handle and talks shit (I love that) that I’m already in the “ex who?” state of mind. Fellow men, seriously hold your damn heads up and push through. That’s what makes us who we are. Either acquiesce to defeat and become pathetic or get some attrition to claim what you desire the most: fucking peace and the love of an amazing woman.

Title	Why don’t you hear it from them?
Author	Grafixx5
Upvotes	31
Comments	49
Date	March 22, 2025 2:01 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jgxu8d/why_dont_you_hear_it_from_them/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-dont-you-hear-it-from-them.1547054 https://theredarchive.com/post/1547054

Comments