I'm not really wrapping my head around how having a good personality makes someone sexually attractive to another person

HelenHavok · 2024-05-15T12:39:45+00:00

Attraction is significantly more complex than you’re perceiving. For most people, as they develop an emotional connection to someone they like, they find them literally more physically attractive. Like, your brain tricks you into being less objective about whatever the mainstream beauty standards of the day are. They become hot to you.

Personally, I may observe and appreciate a physically attractive body, but I lose 100% of that physical attraction if the guy opens his mouth and is a dunce or morally corrupt. I think my husband is hot, but I almost didn’t date him at all because he told me he’d never read a book and I was immediately disinterested and turned off. It wasn’t until he demonstrated that he wasn’t a moron that I felt physically attracted to him again. Two longtime friends of mine tried dating, she was very attracted to him, but he was rude to the waiter and she lost her physical attraction to him.

You may not experience attraction like this, but many people do. When people are attracted to you because of your personality, it doesn’t mean they don’t desire you sexually. It means their sexual desire is tied into more factors than just physical features. And as that attraction grows, they find that person to be more physically attractive.

iostefini · 2024-05-15T11:03:41+00:00

No one dates a person they're unattracted to, but the attraction is only to get the dating started. Long-term relationships need personality too. Ideally if you're trying to find a long-term partner you want someone who is both physically attracted to you and likes your personality.

But the reality is that no one is physically gorgeous forever and looks become less important as the relationship grows - and the relationship growing is based on personality, not physicality.

As a 20-25 year old you may not be at the point you're looking for long-term. So don't worry about it, go for physical attraction. Enjoy being young and gorgeous. As you get older, things may change (or may not, who knows).

MrKidClassic · 2024-05-15T10:42:38+00:00

Have you ever played a graphicly beautiful video game with a shitty story? That's how. Looks great, but if there is no depth, then what is the point of engaging.

So having a good/inviting personality is like +5 on the overall scale.

FixinThePlanet · 2024-05-15T12:04:00+00:00

Your title doesn't match your post.

Are you unable to understand or are you upset you're not physically attractive enough for women to desire you?

I think it's entirely valid to have things about ourselves that we want our partners to be attracted to. I am sure my tendency to reject anyone who seems primarily attracted to my looks has kept me single when I needn't have been.

For me a personality makes someone go from "with a physical body which I could be attracted to" to "someone whose clothes I want to rip off". A very basic level of physical attractiveness is necessary, but my standards for that are not typical and sometimes hard to describe. Beyond that literally everything is about personality and compatibility.

xvszero · 2024-05-15T13:00:07+00:00

Because that's not a thing, you're taking things people say and trying to make them black and white.

What is a thing is attraction is multifaceted and involves a lot of variables. Obviously physical appearance is one of those. But so is personality, unless someone is super shallow. Or related interests, and other things. And how much each variable matters depends on the person.

As a guy, has every crush you ever had just been the absolute most physically attractive woman you could find? If so well, congrats you're super shallow. But probably not right?

That's how my crushes were when I was like, 10 years old. Once I hit a certain age my crushes were based on a lot more. The hottest thing to me was finding some girl into punk or nerdy shit. And then if she was super nice? And had good values? Oh man. I crushed hard on those girls.

AnnoKano · 2024-05-15T12:48:40+00:00

It is not controversial to say people care about looks. Even in bluepill spaces. That is self evidently true, or people wouldn't buy things for the sake of appearances. It's a moronic straw man.

However, there is no utility in focusing on your looks when it comes to dating... at least aspects of your looks that cannot be easily changed.

What exactly are you looking for here?

Will someone saying you are right about looks make your personal situation better? Because you seem to be of the opinion that most people already think this is true already. So why are you here, trying to persuade an outsider group about it?

Wanting to be physically desired by someone I can understand, although this cut and dry separation between looks and personality does not exist in the real world. There are plenty of people who are not conventionally attractive but carry themselves in a way that is attractive. If you don't feel that way, exploring that will yield far more results than being bitter about your looks.

Bitterness, self loathing... these are the obstacles you are creating for yourself when you think like this.

Key-Sundae1909 · 2024-05-15T11:02:13+00:00

I think you hit on something really interesting here. The line below sums it up.

“I want to be with someone who finds me attractive for things other than my personality”

The feeling of being totally unfuckable is often made worse when people tell you positive things about yourself that you already know. Especially given that they don’t make you any more desirable.

These traits (positive, kind, polite etc) are more like base lines that any good person should have. They don’t make you instantly fuckable or unfuckable. They are neutral.

It isn’t, however, all about looks. I think it may be worth reading a little more about sexual attraction (male and female) and understanding personality traits such as assertiveness, intent and status.

PutsWomenOnPedestal · 2024-05-15T10:52:49+00:00

less than 1% of the population is asexual let alone demisexual and most men here will not even encounter a demisexual woman

Just because most women do not officially declare themselves to be asexual or demisexual doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Keep in mind these are fairly recent labels and for most of history asexuals or demisexuals weren’t acknowledged. So the percentage is likely underreported.

And most probably wouldn't want to date a demisexual woman. I wouldn't because I want to be with someone who thinks I'm attractive for other reasons than my personality.

OK? What’s the problem then? Since you aren’t interested in demisexual women.

I want my partner to sexually desire me so not only does the "all it takes is personality" not makes sense to me, it just doesn't seem appealing or like it would make me feel good about myself.

Feeling good or not based on other people’s reactions is not a wise attitude, IMO. Easier said that done, I admit. Why not do your best to increase your physical appeal while focusing on hobbies that make you feel good

w1gw4m · 2024-05-15T12:49:01+00:00

Most incels are average looking people that are held back primarily by their shitty personality and lack of social skills, not by looking average.

The fact that other men who look just like the incels do are able to form relationships with women should tell you all you need to know.

Personal experience is often very limited, knowing 2 women that aren't attracted to you doesn't mean no women exist that are.

Allusionator · 2024-05-15T14:09:58+00:00

I would suggest that if you are the world’s kindest incel that there are additional personality traits and all manner of skills besides those which make you a good friend or son that would make you attractive.

The horror of your question is you apparently do not recognize the bounds of your own attraction, or you aren’t picking up on personality traits in women that make them seem desirable to you. Being good at/passionate about stuff, humor, good-sex energy, in control or submissive, likes to party or self-control— so many more like this where most people are attracted to one end or the other on such spectrums of behavior traits. Each person has their own favorite flavors, so there’s no one way, but showing skill in some type of performance from dancing to financial management they all speak to some people to up attractiveness a great deal. You should be able to recognize this by checking in with who attracts you and why. Likability as a friend is not the whole of ‘personality’ we consider when deciding if someone attracts us or not.

zouss · 2024-05-15T15:19:11+00:00

As a demisexual, I'm here to tell you this post is completely misunderstanding demisexuality. Demisexual does not mean we are attracted to people for their personality, it means we don't experience sexual attraction to someone until we have a strong emotional connection to them. A demi could love your personality and feel an emotional connection with you but not be sexually attracted because you don't meet their physical preference. So dating a demi doesn't mean they're with you for your personality, it just means that they're not with you for looks alone. But we care about looks too, for better or worse

Raging_Dragon_9999 · 2024-05-15T15:52:22+00:00

When women are surveyed, about half say they're willing to wait to get to know a guy and see beyond their initial looks. Less than 20% of men say the same.

This means getting to know you and seeing if you grow on them. That you're struggling so much with women strikes me that you need to improve in several areas.

jeannedargh · 2024-05-15T12:50:39+00:00

As a teenager, I once stood in a queue, and in front of me, there was a very ugly man, and I thought to myself: “I am ugly, but if I were to wake up in that body, I’d jump right out of the window.” Angsty, stupid teenage thoughts. Then a little boy ran up to the man, possibly his son, crying, and the kindness and empathy that ugly man extended to that ugly child made my heart beat faster. All of a sudden, I saw him in a different light, almost literally, a warm glow.

As an adult, I’ve been sexually attracted to people because they gave me 100% of their attention. Or introduced a new interesting idea to me. Or helped someone out. Or told me a good story. Kindness, intelligence, wit, empathy and such make people appear more beautiful, literally. (So does continuous exposure, btw.)

InvestigatorIll6236 · 2024-05-15T12:19:08+00:00

I can understand both sides.

I have definitely dated people due to an immediate and initial attraction.

I have also spent a lot of time around people I don't have that immediate pull to. I don't find them ugly, just often not my type. With time of getting to know some people I notice small things that I think are beautiful. The way they laugh, the way their eyes light up when talking about their interests, how they behave around my child and interact with him. How they make me happy just by being around me, or are there for me when I'm upset. These are attractive qualities that I don't notice until getting to know a person. And I have dated people with these situations too.

Although I am also rather picky sexually-wise so if I get to know someone and find out they have similar kinks to me, I start wondering if it could work out between us because that's preferable to someone who is gorgeous and has a great personality but cannot fulfill me sexually.

PearlieSweetcake · 2024-05-15T14:40:30+00:00

Since you feel comfortable making large judgements about the women who comment here, I will make a large judgement about you in return.

If you are popular socially, but women aren't interested in dating you, it's most likely because you are sending out red flags and you don't know it.

I've had plenty of friends in my life I would invite to a party or like spending time with, but I would never date, even if I find them sexually attractive. This is because they exhibit red flags in other ways that make them seem like bad partners.

Some red flags: -sweeping judgements about women (calling all women demisexual because you don't understand their world view) -complaining about diversity in any form -getting super angry when you lose at something -being overly argumentative or being the 'devils advocate' in too many conversations -conservative world views because those people usually don't view women as equals or have expectations I knew I would gel with. -jokes made at other people's expense -being nice to someone's face, then shit talking them in private. -making jokes about women in general -'your not like other girls' bs. I.e. Making comments like 'wow Ive never met a girl who likes final fantasy.' -Or opposite behavior 'yeah, I bet you just like final fantasy to get nerdy guys, name 5 FFX characters' -Locker room talk, privately or publicly

tinyhermione · 2024-05-15T12:42:44+00:00

Ofc appearance matters. Doesn’t it matter to you too?

But do you flirt with women?

Xanax_ · 2024-05-15T13:36:12+00:00

It doesn't, it just makes someone you already like look more enticing and the more traits they possess that you're into you'll find yourself falling head over heels for them. However, generally If you find a person ugly or completely unattractive there is no amount of endearing traits they could possess that would make you want to sleep with them.

Emma_Lemma_108 · 2024-05-15T15:49:12+00:00

Breaking down the science of attraction is all well and good, and there are a number of general conclusions one can draw about the way most people experience attraction…but at the end of the day, that experience is intuitive.

I’m willing to bet that the majority of us experience attraction as a dynamic, involuntary thing. We can try to break it down after we’ve felt it or in a conceptual way, but it often ends up surprising us/going against those conclusions the next time we experience it.

It’s not static — we experience attraction quite differently at different ages, in different contexts/under different circumstances, and at different points in our respective hormonal cycles. So many outside forces can influence the way we experience it, and it’s not always connected to our actual values or intentions.

I understand the desire to discuss attraction and attempt to make sense of it, and I’m not trying to go off topic or invalidate your post, but I would encourage you and the rest of us to consider whether or not this line of thinking is ever going to lead us to truly useful, applicable conclusions in our real lives.

It’s easy to get mentally stuck on the puzzle that attraction represents, and as human beings it’s easy for us to spot patterns (we’re wired to do so), but that doesn’t mean our conclusions are stable. You can’t logic your way into a blanket understanding something of something so variable and/or so instinctive. It’s one of those biology/normative crossroads that one can spend a lifetime trying to “get” without ever finding a way to apply in real life.

Prestigious-Code-984 · 2024-05-15T16:19:11+00:00

I think you've misunderstood demisexuality. It doesn't mean that someone is only attracted to your personality, it means that sexual attraction might happen/only happens after a strong emotional bond/connection is formed. After that bond/connection is formed, the demisexual, (in many cases, not sure if it's the same for everyone), will find you physically attractive! I'm demi myself and I'm very(!) attracted to people's bodies once I've formed a bond with them. I wouldn't become attracted to someone if the person wasn't aesthetically beautiful. But - physical beauty/aesthetics only doesn't make me attracted to someone. I need everything. Looks, personality and connection. And maybe a bit of romantic feelings/flirting/teasing... I would absolutely not be satisfied with a partner who only wanted me for my personality and wasn't turned on by my body as well. Hope that helps :)

crazicelt · 2024-05-15T18:13:51+00:00

And most probably wouldn't want to date a demisexual woman. I wouldn't because I want to be with someone who thinks I'm attractive for other reasons than my personality.

You completely misunderstand Demisexuality here.

Humans have 2 types of attraction that lead to sexual attraction, physical and emotional. In most humans, physical is primary and leads to a desire for emotional connection, which is the core of a relationship.

For Demisexuals it's flipped the emotional connection leads to the physical. We essentially require an emotional connection to find people sexually attractive

We don't just like people for their personalities, but our personality is generally like the first hurdle. If we don't like their personality, it's dead in the water before it begins.

To use an analogy

For Allosexuals (normal people), the door of attraction is opened by looks. If you think someone is hot, the door opens.
For Acesexuals, the door is a wall.
For Demisexuals, the door is locked, and an emotional connection is the key.

To simplify it, the emotional vetting that is done in a relationship to either progress it or kill it is a prerequisite for us.

Chances are, if you encountered a Demi woman, you probably didn't realise that she's demi as they hide their true selves when dating quite often or they themselves didn't know that they were demi.

SufficientDot4099 · 2024-05-15T19:16:14+00:00

Most people are physically attractive to at least some people. Most people have some physical features that at least some other people find attractive. Both looks and personality play a role in sexual attraction.

KieshaK · 2024-05-15T21:50:51+00:00

When I swiped right on my fiance on Tinder, it wasn’t because of his picture. It was because he said he liked bar trivia and architecture and that sounded like such a good combo to me that I wanted to pursue him further. I looked at his pic and thought, “Yeah, I could look at this face for two hours.”

Four dates in, we’d talked so much and he was just so kind and we had similar interests and he was funny and smart and OHMYGOD he was HOT. Four years and an engagement later and I look at him and he’s just gorgeous to me. I know objectively that he’s not a super model, he’s probably not many people’s idea of gorgeous, but to me he absolutely is.

Raging_Dragon_9999 · 2024-05-15T15:23:29+00:00

It sounds like you struggle with confidence, setting boundaries and being assertive. The lack of attractive is because you're also likely deeply uncomfortable with your own sexuality.

Read Sex God Method By Daniel Rose.

Smithersink · 2024-05-15T17:45:49+00:00

If your point is that you’re ugly, then maybe try to improve on that. Like you said, you wouldn’t date someone just because they’re nice, so you wouldn’t expect a woman to date you just because you’re nice. But you also (presumably) wouldn’t date someone who’s a shallow bitch, right? Personality and physicality — they both matter, different amounts to different people. It’s not one or the other.

I don’t think anyone on here is arguing that you shouldn’t work out or have game, or that the genetic lottery doesn’t factor into your romantic success at all; that’s true for both men and women. It’s just that you don’t have to be a misogynistic douchebag to get women.

Do some misogynistic douchebags get women anyway? Sure. That doesn’t mean that’s what you need to be. You can put effort into your appearance and also be a decent person.

marbledCoffeeShot · 2024-05-15T18:57:56+00:00

...most people don't feel sexually attracted to other people for one singular thing, y'know?

That's true among demisexuals too. Appreciating someone's aesthetics can be upon the list of things we find attractive about them, it's just not high up there.

And hell, maybe their personality is one of their detriments, but goddamn they may be really knowledgeable about X, or really fun when you do Y together. Then, physical attractiveness could very well be the pro that tips them into 'sexually attractive' somewhere in our weird li'l brains.

I hope this helps you out a little bit. Maybe not at explaining things, but at least broadening your perspective.

tesheabebe · 2024-05-15T12:08:25+00:00

Change your location or the circle of girls ask where do guys with my personality get girls you can't be looking on the wrong place bro. good personality varies from person to person or location may be just being nice is not good personality for some a person who shows boundaries might be. Just ask bro like multiple them not aggressively ofcourse . Why would you be freinds with them if you wanted them for relationship. When girls say good person it means they want to be attracted to someone and whish they be the they wanted.

ROBYoutube · 2024-05-15T10:38:11+00:00

I wouldn't because I want to be with someone who thinks I'm attractive for other reasons than my personality.

lol. Outstanding. Enjoy that dude. Go to the gym or some shit. Pretty soon you'll find a woman who thinks a gym bod is hot and take you and your amazing personality home and fuck you. Problem solved.

Not that you'll understand because you're a moron, but have you ever heard of 'post nut clarity'? It's the usually sexist dog shit that makes a woman 'ugly' in the 'clarity' of no longer being horny. But it is definitely describing a real effect. When you sleep with one of the hottest women on earth, the first time you nut is the last time you'll have them on a pedestal. They become aggressively normal in that clarity. Not 'worse'. Not 'less hot'. Just not on the pedestal your stupid, immature ass put them on. Try jacking off to the same photo every day for a week. Let me know how fresh the experience is in 7 days yeah? If people stick around with a 'hot' person, it's because something 'else' keeps them there. Somewhere where a 'personality' might live if you believed in them.

Anyway, good luck failing colossally.

EnemyOfTrust · 2024-05-15T15:34:54+00:00

I have asked all my female friends this. I have asked all of my male friends this.

Lmao, stop larping

SoupAgile · 2024-05-15T15:56:22+00:00

You’re probably just not physically attractive. Try lifting weights and becoming hilariously funny.

Title	I'm not really wrapping my head around how having a good personality makes someone sexually attractive to another person
Author	dogickker
Upvotes	1
Comments	79
Date	May 15, 2024 10:29 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1cshilx/im_not_really_wrapping_my_head_around_how_having/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/im-not-really-wrapping-my-head-around-how-having-a.1518549 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518549

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