Accountability for Pickmeisha actions

wine_and_mastiffs · 2021-06-28T15:12:59+00:00

I have a new-ish friend who is a total pick-me, and it’s so cringe. We went on a weekend girls trip and her bf barely texted her, she said “he wants me to have fun, doesn’t want yo bother me.” Ok. Then constantly having me take pics of her in suggestive poses to text to him. And wanting to go to a strip club, so I finally put my foot down on that. Then asking me how I got my husband to marry me, and I’m thinking “literally the opposite of everything you’re doing.”

sleepysiri · 2021-06-27T22:03:12+00:00

Yes. We have the phrase pickmeisha and LVW for a reason. Women aren’t perfect, all magical beings. We make mistakes. We’re grown. We can handle accountability.

arnezuara · 2021-06-27T22:32:03+00:00

There are women on this forum who still refuse to take accountability in, at least, admitting that they’ve put themselves behind due to the choices they made in the past—especially when it comes to creating a family. I remember getting some resistance in the comments from women who claimed they were just naturally selfless and, therefore, had to put themselves second, or even last. While we do not intend to devalue how much they’ve done for their families and children, it’s harmful to further normalize self-sacrifice. FDS preaches we create our own timelines and stick to them to maximize our safety and benefit before marriage.

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-06-27T22:33:45+00:00

Well you’re a woman! You’re supposed to be nice and welcoming regardless of anyone’s behavior. You’re not allowed to analyze the world or look at it with a critical eye.

throwaway88043468 · 2021-06-28T12:20:49+00:00

I totally understand being excited by FDS ideology and the sisterhood here, but it seems like some women anticipate the change overnight without work or accountability. Having your eyes opened is one thing, doing something about it is another. In reality it is a massive shift of paradigm they're seeking and FDS is only a tool in the kit of what it takes. It's taken me a year of lurking and abiding by the handbook, participating in my therapy weekly, taking my meds every day as prescribed, and studying for my new career for hours on end until it feels like my eyeballs are bleeding. Constantly vetting my partner, standing up for myself without ant hesitation, losing a lot of friends who just couldn't get with the program.

You don't level up from just reading this sub and participating, that's base level. You have to apply yourself to your best ability. You have to practice. You have to be willing and able to criticize and push yourself. It's been a crazy year for me but I have legitimately never been happier than I am now. I feel reformed because I was finally honest with myself and actively decided to get better instead of just passively reading and agreeing with FDS. If there's one thing I want any newbies or pickmes to know it is that you probably need to just take your time, and that's okay. You are not a failure for not being like 10000% HVW immediately. Stop denying your pickmeisha tendencies, face them and address them directly. When you do that you begin to erase their power, and the HV trait of self-accountability organically takes its place. It takes time and great effort to unlearn what we've been taught by men and society, and FDS is not going to do all of the work for us! I still have a ways to go myself and I'm not sad about it or trying to justify it. I just keep it moving and keep growing. I know my sisters are not judging or hating me, quite the opposite as I often see so much love and empathy here, so I do not feel any pressure to deny my faults.

Stuffnthings1840 · 2021-06-27T22:54:05+00:00

Either we all change or society won't. Why? We are society. We keep it. We raise the kids. Change can happen in a generation.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-06-27T21:37:37+00:00

Agreed.

Seeing your part in things isn't victim blaming. Looking at other women's actions for what they are isn't victim blaming. Each and every one of us is responsible for making good decisions. Sometimes other people's lives make a good example of what not to do.

thatjimmylove · 2021-06-28T00:16:01+00:00

I have always hated how most forms of feminism does not allow room for criticizing ourselves or other women in valuable ways, It is grossly misjudged that as women our actions and presence can not do any harm to ourselves, others, or the cause in general. We all affect others. People shy away from this, but it is such an easy way out to assume you are not contributing to your problems or other women's collectively.

suzy_ko · 2021-06-28T07:43:46+00:00

Some pickme behaviours stem from trauma so I believe a tiny bit of leniency is advised in those cases (more like compassion and empathy). However, it’s everyone’s personal responsibility to work through their baggage. I can lead a pickmeisha to the river but she’s gotta drink from it.

pozzalovah · 2021-06-28T02:57:33+00:00

I didn't know it was rule in the handbook, but honestly even b4 knowing that it was a rule, I instinctively knew that there is something inherently wrong with marrying vry young and having children.... Like its just a bit weird.

Dazzling_Grass1727 · 2021-06-28T10:38:10+00:00

You can HV and have HV values but because of your upbringing or environment, it may be hard for you to actualize that in reality.

Only when you're fully aware of other people's intentions and your own actions, you can build a better foundation.

Holding yourself accountable is checking the actions on your part and changing them.

Altowhovian93 · 2021-06-28T13:26:16+00:00

You have some good points. I know a lot of women who got married early and had families because they genuinely wanted them and then they realized they wanted to have an identity outside of mom and wife. Of course, it’s hard to level up from that, if you don’t have a degree and years of work experience and they are now learning from hindsight. The best way to help these women is to support them. By support I mean, help with researching college, networking, helping with childcare; not going you should not have [done past action that led to this place]. They were young! They didn’t know they could have more out of life, not get married, get more education. You don’t always know the barriers that keep people from leveling up early. The best thing you can do for these women NOW, is encourage their positive growth and be a positive support.

Cairenne · 2021-06-28T07:28:36+00:00

Parts of it definitely rubbed me the wrong way, but not actually the early marriage and kids bit.

If I’m remembering correctly there was a part in there about the gpa. Now, obviously we want to be trying damn hard to get good grades. Obviously.

Here’s the (minor) problem; sometimes things like undiagnosed adhd make your last year of a degree exponentially harder no matter what kind of effort you put in. This won’t be everyone’s experience and I didn’t comment on it at the time because it doesn’t disprove the general point.

It’s what stopped me though. I went from top of class every year to a B, Cs, and one D. Why? It was a highly project based course and I couldn’t make the time work. Every individual unit if you looked at it had As on every component piece bar execution of my plans (my tutor at one point straight up told me to stop being so ambitious and planning war and peace in the space of 2 months implementation time). It absolutely brought down my grade and I didn’t even know why it was such a disaster until about 10 years later when I got diagnosed. So it wasn’t like I could access support for it and extensions didn’t help when I asked for and got those.

Not lack of effort either, I wasn’t working at the time and every moment from 6am until midnight (often later) that I wasn’t eating or travelling was spent working on my college stuff. So.

Grades not always indicative of effort.

BUT other than that? It wasn’t a wrong post. Getting married young and having children does put you at a disadvantage, and arguably does so even if you find a HVM for that. You’re still then child rearing before you’re even done developing and there’s no way that doesn’t complicate any form of professional development. You’re taking a few steps back from the starting line that way, alas.

It doesn’t mean you can’t then go on and do better over time, and you can’t recover, but it does mean you’ve made it harder for yourself.

Edit: typo and ease of reading

Minute_Sign · 2021-06-28T11:07:53+00:00

I would argue that Pickme’s don’t actually attract any men. LVM and NVM don’t even see pickme’s as relationship material, they see them as resources to take advantage of until something better comes by. I really hope this doesn’t come off as victim blaming but you can’t expect other people to respect you if you don’t even respect yourself.

londochig · 2021-06-28T04:48:30+00:00

I really enjoyed the post you wrote today. May I ask why it's been deleted? The advice is really helpful for everyone on here, especially for recovering Pickmeishas like myself who want to turn their lives around and better themselves.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-06-28T05:20:09+00:00

I read your first post and I absolutely agree with you about taking responsibility for pick-me behaviour. Taking responsibility was the only way I was able to leave my NVX.

candyfox84 · 2021-06-28T18:42:53+00:00

To me, a lot of this comes forward in the comments insisting that men and women can be friends, or that you can stay friends with an ex. I detect a lot of pickmeisha undertones in those comments especially.

Tanalize · 2021-07-01T15:39:10+00:00

Even if women are conditioned and brainwashed from birth to be the objects of men we still need to hold them, and ourselves, accountable or nothing will get fixed. We have to level ourselves up too in order to be HV. Never forget 🥰

(I'll still be more gentle on them then LVM cause I'm hella biased)

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