Have you ever experienced this?

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jp2117515 · 2022-04-14T01:18:26+00:00

I’ll add to this. Anyone else notice that when you break up with a LVM and they start seeing a new girl they start emulating things that you used to do as if it was their own personality? They take ownership of hobbies you did or take them to the same restaurants and places that you frequented. I’ve seen this a few times. It’s like they lovebomb the next one by borrowing your hobbies and traits. It’s like someone else mentioned in the thread. They don’t have any of their own original thoughts personality or hobbies they just morph into someone else’s life with an imitation of another. There is a running trail that I had gone to since high school that I loved and that I can no longer go to now because it’s my ex’s new spot - something I introduced him to and he never even ran before we started dating.

keep_my_stuff · 2022-04-14T08:39:36+00:00

My narc ex would do this to test how much hurt I will tolerate (and was hating me more and more as I tried to brush it off) He would point at posters in the street about dance shows that he knew I am interested in, and then go on about how he would ask some other friends to go with him. Super unsettling and destabilising behavior, he was showing me that I am nowhere near a priority.

Back then I hadn't internalised that okay, maybe somebody is being deeply unpleasant in a socially acceptable way, but there are more options than a) grin and bear it b) explode on the street and look like a crazy person. I could also have found some excuse to end the date since he ruined my mood with his comments.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-04-13T23:42:34+00:00

I've experienced this too. My takeaway was my hobby sounded fun to them but they didn't want to experience it with me because they knew they weren't into me.

Then watch them make the hobby their whole personality and take it into their next relationship. Or worse, take over your hobby group and date everyone, effectively ruining it.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-04-14T00:16:31+00:00

[permanently deleted]

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-04-13T23:52:46+00:00

He's not interested. He has the perfect opportunity to plan a date around this hobby, but he wants to do it on his own.

Block.

Keepers12345 · 2022-04-14T03:14:06+00:00

One hypothesis is that some guys who do this are:

Impressed with you, and
Insecure, and
Have no hobbies (or comparable in degree), and
Convinced that they must prove it to themselves and you that they can outdo you at being you, and
Talking about it to you because in their minds, they are like.... psshhh, 'I'm going to go to a gymnastics studio to go do a triple round off routine, I can't wait! [internal cheerleaders cheering for him in his head],' and
Testing you, don't care, and if you still give them the time of day, then they'll be happy.

Most/many of these guys are like happiness vampires that love draining women.

They're baiting you. If they ask you where you do X, Y, or Z, do not tell them! They could be stalkers and sabotaging you and your favorite places. Furthermore, even the "non-stalkers" are just as borderline sabotaging.

Don't let these guys know your safe and favorite places.

I learned the hard way. I had figured, "Why not? It's a business, and [hobby] can only make people nicer. It's not like this person is going to be there when I'm there." I. was. wrong. That person had no interest in the hobby. The interest was in accessing me. So scary.

Even the owner of [hobby place] later told me that people with malicious motives don't end up being nicer by doing said hobby. They just use it to become more manipulative. That taught me a lot. It's so nice to believe that heart energy runs the universe. But the reality is that we have to be careful. A lot is not our faults. Still, the last thing that I need to do is hold the door open for evil to run into the building.

Be careful. Whatever that guy said could mean a ton of things. A red flag is a red flag, at the end of the day. It's good to talk about it so that we can identify with each other what these details mean. Differentiating between normal interest and creepy interest is important.

2340000 · 2022-04-13T23:50:57+00:00

Since you've been on a few dates, it stands to reason that they are NOT interested because they didn't offer to plan a date around the hobby. They could've asked you to join and give them pointers or to be their guide.

The only time I use the "I'm going to try that" line is with elevator small talk. Not after a few dates.

katiekat0214 · 2022-04-14T00:24:55+00:00

I call it co-opting. It's a phenomenon where someone horns in on someone else's interest, or livelihood, friend group, whatever. One person is already established, knows their stuff, and a newbie comes in and makes it their own thing. Worst case scenario of co-opting is being pushed out, sidelined, marginalized, or if we're talking work, fired and black-listed. Narcissists do this. I'd say it's a big red flag of a possible narc who may not have hobbies, much less a sense of self. Block, delete, run.

Vaahla · 2022-04-14T13:05:51+00:00

If he’s into you, isn’t that the perfect opportunity for him to insert himself in your life?

He can instantly plan a date or a future date.

So he’s either not into you, or stupid.

Stupid because of the missed opportunity to improve your relationship in a most positive way - activity together.

nebsemi · 2022-04-13T23:35:13+00:00

I've experienced this and I have no idea what it means either

thowawaywookie · 2022-04-14T15:53:18+00:00

My ex did this. He might have been a covert narc, filling up his empty shell with my interests.

There's an element of pickme when women are suddenly into everything he's into.

When you hear women describing themselves as a shell of their former self after leaving a toxic relationship, there's good reason behind it.

Tharwaum · 2022-04-14T03:26:52+00:00

Sounds more like socially awkward (which can be a flag he’s not done.. growing up?) but narcissists/players/whoever will always try out new ways to neg some may be hit or miss. He could have been trying to neg in some weird way or he could be very immature socially. I think you were right in not knowing exactly what he meant, it’s uncommon behaviour and you’re not a mind reader. If you’re not into him you don’t need to find a red flag. If you are liking him quite a bit you could see what he says on the next date he plans for you. You can definitely ask him « how was ???? »

kirky500 · 2022-04-14T19:45:10+00:00

A red flag imo. I had a boyfriend like that once. He was not that interested in me

lolmemberberries · 2022-04-15T23:15:13+00:00

Dated a dude like this and he was very narcissistic. His personality was comprised entirely of personality traits and hobbies he co-opted from different women and which ones he emphasized was based on who he was idealizing at that moment in time.

Conversely, I've also experienced where a guy shows interest in things I like and wants to experience those things with me. Whether it's going to a restaurant I've talked up, an art exhibit I've expressed interest in or a concert for a band I like.

If he's interested in you, he'll want to share these things with you and see you in an environment where you are enjoying yourself and in your element.

wet-plants · 2022-04-14T13:47:37+00:00

I’m not really sure I understand this. I snowboard and it’s definitely a defining hobby of mine. If after a few dates a guy said he was going to try snowboarding, I’d probably be happy that we could potentially have that in common if he likes it/sticks with it… I would probably voice that but I wouldn’t be trying to go with him for his first time… I’d be glad for him to try it out so we could go together later on if things progress.

MofoMadame · 2022-04-25T06:56:42+00:00

I would just say that's so cool!, cut him off by telling him about the plan I had to go with some friends of mine already. Letting him feel that I had already excluded him from my plans without telling him and that he was definitely not a priority to me.

I'm good at messing up their narcissistic games cause I've studied them both through research and in the wild. They hate when you turn the tables on them, if they triangulate, do it right back. Project, same. I love to neg a scrote, knowing they believe my comments, while I see theirs for what they are. Subtlety is key.

Remember to be real casual and upbeat. They hate it when you are obliviously happy while they are trying to punk you and they hate being cut off and ignored.

Then ignore, block, or whatever, and go with your friends.

Title	Have you ever experienced this?
Author	Healingirl
Upvotes	207
Comments	44
Date	April 13, 2022 11:27 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/u33gie/have_you_ever_experienced_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/have-you-ever-experienced-this.1112771 https://theredarchive.com/post/1112771

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