How to leave when you don't have a "good" reason?

BasieSkanks · 2020-11-19T10:51:52+00:00

Not wanting to be in a relationship is reason enough. You don’t need a reason to end a relationship. You can simply walk away. Relationships require the consent of both parties, which one person can withdraw for any reason.

headmatriarchkoko · 2020-11-19T10:56:31+00:00

You actually listed all the reasons yourself

No longer consistent
Seems to be into another girl
Anger management issues

However, when you leave him, don't make this laundry list for him. Keep it to yourself as a reminder of what you don't want to settle for. You don't owe him any charity work. You wanting to leave is a clear enough reason for him.

I pray you have the strength to leave and also stay away from him thereafter. Struggle love is not the way to go.

Platipus6 · 2020-11-19T11:34:39+00:00

This relationship isn't working for you. That's all you need. What more do you want, a black eye? You don't need to care about a good enough reason that's socially acceptable to others. In 4 years no-one will remember this, trust me. But if you stay, in 4 years you'll regret the wasted time.

Line up your new living conditions and when you're safe, text him "This relationship isn't working for me anymore. It's over, goodbye".

Then he'll either scramble with some "get her back" antics, or shrug and chase after the German lass he really wants.

If he needs to threaten your reputation to keep you he's a piece of shit.

2020-11-19T11:07:54+00:00

[deleted]

NotSoBunny · 2020-11-19T12:56:27+00:00

I don't want to anymore is such a valid reason. That is it, "I don't want to."

Don't be surprised if he accuses you of banging or talking to other dudes, it is common for them to do. Keep on walking with your head held high and do not take anything he says to heart. Even the "but I love you so much" bs, disregard it. None of it is true.

futuristicallyangry · 2020-11-19T11:16:30+00:00

I think you already have solid reasons with him putting in low-to-no effort at all, not putting your insecurities at ease, having anger management issues. He won't be able to ostracize you in university, you have not done anything wrong so please don't worry about how your social circle will take this. It won't even matter to anyone in a few months and everyone would have forgotten this by the time you all graduate. If he is able to ruin your reputation then it should give you even more clarity on what kind of a person he is, and how low value his circle is, if they isolate you even when you haven't harmed him or anyone of them. They should be adults about relationships and breakups and move on.

MakeURegret · 2020-11-19T12:57:27+00:00

Example Script:

You: Hey I’m not feeling this anymore. I’m breaking up with you.

Him: What?!? Why?!?

You: this relationship isn’t working for me anymore. Alright bye.

Him: no don’t leave. What do you mean by not working anymore?? I thought you said we’d work through any problems.

You: yep and we did and the differences are irreconcilable. Bye.

Helps to have something scheduled or “scheduled” that you have to go to right after. Spa, hair appt, class, tutoring, studying with a friend, etc.

If you’re worried about your safety I would move out when he won’t notice and then have the break up talk. But if you don’t feel unsafe then you can just do it like above. Get anything valuable out of the apt (passport, birth certificate, other important forms, anything sentimental) so that if his anger issue comes back he’s not breaking anything important. Come back after an hour or so or however long your “scheduled” activity is. Start discussing logistics of you moving out.

Anytime he tries to move the conversation back to about the “why” of the breakup just make it clear you won’t be talking about it anymore. As if he’s a child begging to stay up past his bedtime - that’s not a discussion - you don’t give into a child demanding to stay up late. You kinda just deal with the tantrum until they forget about it.

Him: but come on why are you breaking up with me????

You: it’s not working for me anymore.

Him: but what about it isn’t working for you?

You: I’m not getting into it

Him: fine I guess you don’t care about me and you never did.

You: (death glare) you know that’s not true and I hope that we can both be amicable throughout the rest of this process. Anyways my anatomy class is killing me, so I think I’ll move out in Tuesday after the big exam.

Gambit12345 · 2020-11-19T13:49:14+00:00

By just leaving. They don’t need to be beating you up for you to have a good reason to leave. Look my ex was by all means a decent person. Most wouldn’t say a bad thing about him. He had a lot of friends many of whom I knew. I have my own social circle though so I really couldn’t care less what his friends think. I was with him for 5 years because I didn’t think I had a good enough reason to leave. I was resentful towards him most of the time as he was so LVM and he never changed. When the relationship isn’t working you just state it plainly as that. He might try to start debating you about it,or shifting conversation onto your flaws(that’s what my ex did when I broke up with him). Don’t let him derail conversation or try to convince you to stay. Stay firm and strong in your words. You don’t need to give him a laundry list of everything he did wrong either. That’ll just let him think he can debate you on it. I agree with another poster who said to secure your living arrangement first. Ideally once you break up with him you would move immediately. Breaking up but still living together is torture, I just finished dealing with it.

SuccessfulAppeal333 · 2020-11-19T14:38:34+00:00

Oh Dear Lord, don't let this dude mess up your studies... Please.

yesmme · 2020-11-19T12:33:14+00:00

You don’t need a good reason to leave him. If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. I But you also cited plenty of red flags: making you insecure, is into another girl, has anger issues, uses the hOneYmOoN pHasE excuse.

You have an arsenal of good reasons for why you should leave him

dollymyfolly · 2020-11-19T13:14:04+00:00

You don’t have to tell him your reasons. Actually telling him your specific reasons might subject you to being gaslit. Just know that you want to end it, and that’s good enough. You can even just say “hey I’m leaving, got my reasons. Best of luck.” Pack and just leave.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-11-19T13:33:48+00:00

What you need to especially understand is that he's not going to change because of any specific reasons you give him. I've personally never wanted to waste my time explaining myself at the end because I had most likely been telling him all the reasons for months.

Aggressive_Birthday4 · 2020-11-19T14:49:05+00:00

Don’t let society tell you that you have to stay with your boyfriend if you’re unhappy. Just because he hasn’t physically cheated, murdered, or isn’t abusive doesn’t mean he’s the right guy for you. I broke up with my first boyfriend of four months because I realized I didn’t like him anymore romantically. Simple as that.

Edit: I want to add that you not being happy is a perfectly acceptable reason to break up with him. Rational people will not judge others for ending a relationship. Try not to get too worried about what his friends will say - I don’t think that they should be a concern. Realistically, people try to support their friends by hyping them up when they get dumped and no matter how nicely you dump him someone’s going to twist it anyway. Just try to focus on yourself.

circescircus · 2020-11-19T15:41:49+00:00

Just tell him we are breaking up, if you want to be nice say we aren't compatible and I don't see a future with you. If you want to be mean tell him you're not attracted to him anymore. In either case, just fucking leave and block him. He's not your husband of 15 years, where you built a life together and have 3 kids with. He's just a university boyfriend. You don't have kids together. Legally, you have nothing to do with each other. You aren't married.

Stop letting him manipulate you. You don't need an excuse to dump him, you can just walk away. If he can't accept you walking away, police can get involved and you can file a restraining order against him. The law is on your side, rationality and common sense is on your side. What does this guy do for you or add to your life, where you feel so obligated to him? What are your expectations for reciprocity? Are you minimizing how toxic your relationship is? In even a decent relationship, you wouldn't diminish your sense of self and what you really want.

In the normal world, breaking up with a university boyfriend won't result in burning all bridges with every person in the university. People understand that people break up. Why are you so afraid of this? Does he have something on you that you are afraid he will expose?

You just gotta stop being so meek, people like your bf will always target you if you don't.

keep_my_stuff · 2020-11-19T15:30:09+00:00

Your gut feeling is telling you now that it is in your best interest to leave him. It doesn't have precise information about why, but it knows that it is in your best interest. So, your choices are to stay and find out the 'why', which will eventually rear its ugly head, or leave the relationship and protect yourself. Women (and men) leave their partners every day just because they are not feeling it anymore. You can meet new friends and still make professional connections.

2020-11-19T16:11:42+00:00

This doesn't seem to be a relationship that is benefiting you at all. If it was good you wouldn't think of leaving. Wanting to leave is reason enough you don't need some huge reason to break up with him. Just do it. You said it yourself you feel insecure with him. I'm sure that when you break up you won't feel half as bad as you do when you're with him. And he doesn't put in eny effort. AND he has mental and anger issues. Most of the times those don't just "go away" and they could show up later in life.

siberiansummer · 2020-11-19T17:48:04+00:00

You got a lot of good answers to your question about "reasons" to leave. I want to address the second part: how to deal with the aftermath where a butthurt rejected LVM tries to tear you down. I'm 33 and I've dealt with it so much, I was completely dragged through the mud by my exs. I remember that dreading feeling where you anticipate a wave of shit coming at you because you know the disgraceful scrote will do everything to tarnish your reputation. Anyway, what I found the most helpful is to picture the worst case scenario. I mentally prepare myself for it, start thinking about what I'll do next if that happens, what will I say to people if I'm being asked what happened, how will I act if people look down on me, etc etc. Once you start going through and answering those questions you gain more courage. In my experience never once it ended up being as bad as I made myself anticipate. He will make himself look dumb more than anything because, even though people love drama, they also know the person who talks the most shit is the guilty party. I also learned it's better when you tell the truth. You don't need to go in every single detail but telling people your side without name-callings and insults towards the other party will make them respect you more. Good luck! Just remember, uni is a small part of your beautiful life and what people think of you there is not the end of the world

balladwilds · 2020-11-19T15:23:25+00:00

you don't need a reason but i totally get what you mean. you could say something like you want to figure things out for yourself and you think both of you aren't a good match. he might insist though. do you have a plan to move out before breaking up?

ireallylikeyoualot · 2020-11-19T16:36:29+00:00

[deleted]

LevelTurbulent · 2020-11-19T16:39:56+00:00

How does she not have a good reason? He's cheating on her and parades the women through their home in front of her to humiliate her. He's been angry and violent. He gaslights her.

She has tons of reasons to get the hell out.

CoffeeBeforeAdulty · 2020-11-20T00:35:45+00:00

Please update us when you can. The time after a break up is the most dangerous for women.

You said he has some anger issues and that is all it takes. :/ Even if he actually is working on them.

tossed_salad100 · 2020-11-19T19:47:18+00:00

The only real way to leave a LVM without it becoming a long discussion is to tell him you're not physically attracted to him. It's all LVM understand because that's the core of what their relationships are about. Of course it won't be true—women see way more than physical appearances and are much deeper than that. But to a LVM, he will believe he can't change it (incel logic), understand it (he'd dump a girl who didn't turn him on in a heartbeat), and realize that it means it will be harder to get sex out of you (worst thing ever to a LVM). He'll probably help you pack if you give him that reason.

If you tell him the real reasons, he'll fake change for awhile with regards to the anger stuff/showing appreciation stuff, and get better at hiding his obsession with the other girl. In a couple months things will be back to normal, and by then he might actually have started cheating.

justforfds · 2020-11-19T12:45:18+00:00

Hi. I'm sorry you're wrestling with this right now- these feelings and thoughts can be exhausting. Mentally and physically.

Unfortunately, few women get the needed training or advice before finding themselves in a relationship.

How do you feel your ability is to speak up for yourself in general? You said you both agreed to discuss things but it seems like some things are difficult for you to broach with him.

How do you feel your boundaries are? Do you tend to appease and please?

It is important to remember too that you can change your mind at any time. That's a prerogative for anyone whatever the level of commitment. You can change it mid conversation or just get up and leave. You are not required to exhaust yourself explaining endlessly. You need only to state your intention and carry it out.

Your boyfriend is a popular guy with many friends, seemingly doing well. You speak about yourself as less in comparison to him. Do you feel you are lucky to have him and need his validation or approval?

Your life is about you. Others approval can be snatched away as quickly as it's given. Some people manipulate others by withholding approval.

I promise you, people who will hold a meaningful place in your life look at you and how you make them feel, not at your boyfriend. Employers and network contacts look at you and your personal, social and professional skills and what you bring to them, not at your boyfriend. Anything your boyfriend is or has can change or be lost in a heartbeat. Invest in yourself.

Your social group don't know both sides of the story and even if they did, people tend to have bias towards their friends. Their opinion is only that - theirs and no real reflection on you.

At any stage of life, the main thing that will determine your life's progression is looking at what you want for yourself and putting that first. Likeminded allies show up on the way.

It is harmful to go into any endeavour that has a big impact on you without your own personal plan. You end up in places you never imagined without anything you wanted or burdened by things you don't want. This is particularly true in relationships. There must be an intention and effort, not a passive sense of 'being used to it'.

It does not sound like your boyfriend has intention about your relationship. Please save yourself from regretting this in a few year's time. Time spent in this relationship is depriving you from taking up other opportunities. It does not sound to be worth the cost to you.

KateJ1982 · 2020-11-19T19:42:22+00:00

Just leave. You don't need his permission, agreement, or understanding. You'll never get those anyway. Never.

Don't tell him in advance or give him one last chance to improve his atrocious behavior. Just make plans for another place to live, pack your stuff up when you know he's not going to be there (have a plan and friends or hired movers to make it fast), and after everything's done, meet him in a safe place and tell him "this relationship isn't working for me." But definitely don't tell him in advance, especially since he has mental and anger issues.

lival42 · 2020-11-19T21:37:48+00:00

You want to leave? That wanting is enough to leave. Period.

Vmwvi · 2020-11-21T11:37:38+00:00

He's triangulating you. Not to mention the "honeymoon stage" thing. The "honeymoon stage" is when a LVM love-bombs you. With a HVM the "honeymoon stage" should be the whole relationship.

Title	How to leave when you don't have a "good" reason?
Author	midp
Upvotes	84
Comments	56
Date	November 19, 2020 10:37 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jx0hdd/how_to_leave_when_you_dont_have_a_good_reason/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-leave-when-you-dont-have-a-good-reason.334120 https://theredarchive.com/post/334120

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