Is this just an American thing?

thighsmatch · 2021-01-29T17:21:53+00:00

Its not just an american thing but I think it's a stronger mindset in americans given their level of personal independence.

From what I see in my american friends, they move out very young and their family ties are very loose. Unlike me who still lives with my parents and have a network of over 20 family members to lean on. This takes off the pressure off of relationships (for me), and adds more pressure on Americans since they're lonelier (?).

Also, in other countries, (developing world), we tend to stay in the same region or city for life, which means we have stronger social ties (e.g old friends), whereas americans move a lot (for college, for work, etc), which leads to more pressure to find one person to share life with, to avoid being all alone.

*This is just my opinion from what I've seen.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-01-29T15:02:07+00:00

I think it's because casually dating someone is more common in the US than in other cultures. I wonder if we even have a term for "seeing someone" or "dating someone" in my language. It's more like "I have a bf/gf" or "I'm in the relationship" here. That's why it's pretty rare here, if someone had more than 3-4 bfs. People are either in long-term relationships or single in my country. Mostly. Of course not everybody is the same, but majority of people are like this. (Central Europe)

moonartemis1989 · 2021-01-29T16:18:24+00:00

no,its everywhere. loads of people feel the need to be in relationships for various reasons.

Fear of being alone- they cant deal with themselves or are running away from their problems by getting into a relationship
insecurity- they feel they will look "cooler" by having a bf/gf
they feel unloved by family so they search for love in every other romantic interest
they care way too much about wht people and family think and feel the "need " to get married by 25 and thus get into relationships with the most negative value people
they run away from their mental health issues by using relationships as a getaway car for their problems

Angeli_33 · 2021-01-29T14:03:16+00:00

No, it's definitely not just an American thing. It's a global thing. However, I think it's due to fiction, movies, series, soap operas, etc. They instill this fantasy in us to want someone who will love us and be our partner in crime in this tumultuous life with many challenges. We don't want to take those challenges on alone, we want someone to hold our hand while we face the great big monster of uncertainty and look it square in the eye. We want that comfort, but if that seed of romance had never been planted, would we have desired it at all? I don't think so. It's just a matter of deprogramming yourself of an illusion that never will be. I may or may not find someone to be with in the future, but I won't ever love again like I used to. And that's okay :)

Love is also kind of like a drug, it's kind of addiciting. So I always say even though a cigarette smoker craves nicotine, we all know they're better off without it, right? So, in this lifetime I won't allow myself to fall in love again. But that's a personal choice. People can do what they want.

LadyWithAHarp · 2021-01-29T14:31:18+00:00

It’s definitely been programmed in us as a society. I hear a lot more comments to women than men like: Have you met someone yet? When are you going to settle down? But what about your future children? Are you sure you want to do that, will your future husband approve?

It’s kinda sad because it totally forces this narrative that our end goal is to “be” with someone. No one ever talks about being happy single here either. People are never just by themselves. If not in a relationship they’re having casual sex. It’s sad because so many people get into relationships with people they definitely shouldn’t be with. America has raised a society of pickme women who deal with shitty behavior and lazy LV men because everyone needs to seem like they’re with someone. See it everyday.

yolosunshine · 2021-01-29T14:56:07+00:00

In America it’s impossible for a lot of the population to pay rent or have healthcare without a partner.

I’d say that’s a big factor.

missgirl649 · 2021-01-29T14:49:02+00:00

I think it’s a thing society and men just tell women tbh instead of it being specifically an American thing. A lot of women have shoved down their throats from a young age that marriage and children are an expectation instead of a choice, and that being married and having a family is what you should be doing if you’re a normal person. Plus I think dating men or having a bf is seen as a sign that you’re more desirable for one reason or another, and men use this ideology to shame women who are single even though that logics not true at all.

Mimosa_usagi · 2021-01-29T16:32:17+00:00

I don't think it's only an american thing. I'm a first generation american and my family and friends in other countries have been susceptible to this mindset. It's something that has been drilled into them from a young age that is kind of hard to shake because so many people think that way and reinforce it.

Mcccy · 2021-01-29T21:08:17+00:00

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lucidlotus · 2021-01-29T18:07:34+00:00

I blame society and organized religion, at least Christianity in the U.S.

Also Disney. F'in Disney.

52490 · 2021-01-29T16:05:52+00:00

100%!!!!! Americans really romanticize romantic relationships. Not everyone may agree with this, but I never saw “getting married and having babies” as a life goal, even before I was truly FDS. And if you’re single you haven’t reached your goal so you are a failure. Also with the romanticizing...a lot of people falsely think they will be happier in a relationship or raising a family because they aren’t being realistic about the pros and cons.

Mcccy · 2021-01-29T13:52:58+00:00

It would be ingesting to know if it’s mostly an American thing. It’s definitely the way I grew up (an American) and I’d love to make a life somewhere that this isn’t the norm.

shmarhar · 2021-01-29T15:30:44+00:00

I'm American and I grew up in the Northeast; spent most of my time in NY. My Dad's family had been in the US for ages but my mother's family is made up of more recent immigrants and there is a noticeable behavior difference (I prefer my mother's side), which has had me to think a lot about U.S. culture and how immigrants have "Americanized" or "become White" over the years.

To your specific question though: I think it's a facet of our hyper-individualist tendencies; in a lot of cases, community bonds and family ties aren't as secure as they were maybe 100 years ago and people try to replace that lack of connection and emotional fulfillment almost entirely through a significant other. Additionally, the United States is in many ways a land of fairy tales and pleasant fiction--this extends to romantic relationships.

We're the land of freedom and justice, but what about the slavery of Black people and the genocide of Native Americans? The American Dream--available to who, exactly? Not a lot of women or people of color, that's for sure. Marriage is the best thing that can ever happen to you as a woman--but why are so many married women unhappy? Disney World, Hallmark movies, fast food, pornography, prosperity gospel, celebrity drama and obsessions, over-the-top action blockbusters with a lot of style and not a lot of substance...we've all been sold on smoke and mirrors; seeing what we wish to see instead of what is. And very few people are ready to give up that illusion because the truth is too painful to bear.

level_up_always · 2021-01-29T17:06:07+00:00

i agree with others that it's global but i think you have a point in that there is a certain overromanticised version that is connected to america via the media brainwashing that kind of permeates through the whole culture in a different way than other places

oricuri · 2021-01-29T17:33:27+00:00

I have never even set foot in the USA but I can tell you it's not an "American" thing only. Maybe the actual manifestations of this type of mindset appears in different forms (religious, cultural, etc), but it's the same base thought in a looot of countries. I would argue that a lot of countries are being influenced by the USA more and more. Let's take baby showers and halloween - not a thing at all in the countries I grew up in (and I'm in my 20s and I lived in several places across the globe). Totally a thing now.

Even in certain western and central European countries regarded as modern (and where marriage and similar values are very much not a thought for a lot of people), being in a relationship, or to have a bf as a woman, is considered to be highly desirable. Women can perfectly make an independent living for themselves in these countries, it's purely a social status thing!

So no, it's not specific to the US, just global patriarchy :(

Altowhovian93 · 2021-01-29T17:21:01+00:00

Americans use romance to make teenagers spend money on things to get boys to like them and it never ends!

Keep kids off social media, away from TV ads, get them into books, and in extracurricular to make friends and get mentors.

ponchoacademy · 2021-01-29T20:03:17+00:00

From my observations, Im seeing the total opposite...

Like, generationally speaking, the expectations on people and what they want to do with their lives have changed dramatically. For example:

My grandmothers generation it was just expected around 18 a woman would move out when she found a man to marry, start a family and be a housewife.

In my moms generation same except the whole novel idea of women working, some would want to do that too.

In my big sisters generation (boomer) going to college was a big deal...to find a husband there to marry and start a family.

Mine (gen x) going to college because you want a career and pretty focused on that, not marriage. Lots of doubts as to whether or not you even want to bring kids into what the worlds is today. But still the expectation from prior generations to settle down and start a family, and guilt/worry/stress over not finding someone and stressed over paying off college loans for a degree they couldnt even use cause they had to get whatever job the could get. Most of my friends started panicking around 40 to find someone to marry and start a family with before they run out of time to while stressing over whether or not they could even afford to.

My daughters generation (millennial / gen z cusp) Her and most of her friends with gen x parents arent getting that pressure to find a nice boy, settle down and have babies with. They're even more aware of how much the world sucks and in no rush to bring a kid into the current climate. Getting that degree to get a job isnt as much of a thing, they arent trying to drown in college debt like they see their parents are still dealing with. Stuff like home ownership in your 20s is not a given, job security isnt a given. Unlke before when parents assumed their kids would move out at 18, theyre staying home longer cause they cant afford to move out. Huge "hustle" culture, with far more emphasis on being independent, than in generations before. When they do move out, its likely into a house they buy for themselves, with dreams of how they're going to decorate their home office, not the nursury.

My kid is in her mid-20s...having a partner, marriage, kids, all that hasnt even hit her radar yet, will be interesting to see when it does. Mine didnt start feeling the crunch til they hit thier 40s, even with the pressure of "when wil you settle down? when will you give me grandbabies?" from their parents. Kiddo and her friends, their parents are pulling that crap, With a few exceptions, my daughter and the majority of her friends, both the women and men, arent really dating or care to. so yeah, just really interested to see how things play out.

Papaverinum · 2021-01-30T00:23:25+00:00

It's definitely not an American thing, it's natural since we're not solitary species. Unfortunately, there's more to it than just our nature. It's social programming (society makes women afraid of singlehood so they're desperate so they won't abandon shitty men). Being with HVM/HVW is better than being single, I guess. But being single is waaay better than being with life draining NVM.

Gourmay · 2021-01-30T03:55:03+00:00

I'm French-American, lived in both and other countries, and it is definitely pushed on women more in the US. I feel people in the US date people they feel lukewarm about rather than staying single and having real relationships; and I don't feel women and men do it for the same reason.. hence we're here on FDS to collectively re-learn that being alone is much better for you than being with a shitty partner. When I moved, many of the people I've dated here had so little relationship experience despite being thirty, it kind of blew my mind.

The reasoning I've heard is that there are leftovers in dating culture from religion, which in (Western) Europe we are more generations away from. I think I know one person who goes to church on Christmas and that type of thing.

Espionagess · 2021-01-30T10:00:29+00:00

I've noticed this too. I'm not in America but I have wondered is it because of the prevalence of "situationships" and "talking" stages?

In Australia if you're "talking" to someone or you're flirting and have gone one a few dates with someone but there is no title - both people are 100% single and ok to look for other people. You're single until there's a title, there's none of this other bs.

This whole commiting to being someone's girlfriend while the guy is still single and you're not their girlfriend is WILD to me because that's going to get you played every time. If you're not his girlfriend, keep dating and look for other guys who want to snatch you up as their girlfriend.

Girls are signing up to be placeholder hopeful that it will turn into something else. If he sees you as a placeholder from the start that's all you're ever going to be, don't waste your time sis. Get a guy that's actually excited about you.

EveSerpent · 2021-01-29T18:22:19+00:00

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janeaustenfan99 · 2021-01-29T20:08:39+00:00

I mean, ideally you’d have a help mate to get through life together with. That is the dream, that is the aspiration. A mate with whom to raise children with all the resources two people can bring. The problem is that men tend to bring so little to the table, that that ideal is not necessarily achievable for a lot of modern women.

LU_7192 · 2021-01-29T23:43:48+00:00

I didn’t know it wasn’t like that in other countries. Thank you for your question - it illuminates other ways of living!

essetea · 2021-01-30T18:31:12+00:00

More women and children in poverty in America than many other places because the have hardly any government support in America, so a relationship must seem like a matter of life and death there because it literally could be

gigi_chi · 2021-01-29T18:45:27+00:00

100% . I grew up in a diverse area and the non- US women were super relaxed about dating/men during the elementary/ high school days. I’ve noticed they date with intention of marriage whereas casual dating is more of a western thing. Alot of them weren’t even allowed to date before age 18. Lol

Title	Is this just an American thing?
Author	Mcccy
Upvotes	299
Comments	47
Date	January 29, 2021 1:43 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/l7su72/is_this_just_an_american_thing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-this-just-an-american-thing.734419 https://theredarchive.com/post/734419

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