Perspective | For years, I pursued men and got nowhere. Then I learned how to sit in the passenger’s seat.

driftinglochawe · 2021-11-13T04:34:06+00:00

This is something I'm learning; it does not make you meek or submissive. As women we are encouraged to go beyond and over nurture when we should be taking our foot off the accelerator pedal and having men make the effort for us.

daisy_0720 · 2021-11-13T07:54:15+00:00

It's infuriating how society has gaslit us into believing "a man wanting to do nice things for you" = "unfeminist".

SayNad · 2021-11-13T15:19:33+00:00

Yes, it benefits us to understand the difference between being capable of taking care of ourselves and letting a man who is interested in us, take care of us.

Libfem likes to make a one-solution-fits-all when it comes to women's independence when in fact - that solution means placing more and more burden on ourselves.

Listen ladies, just because women are extremely capable of doing it all does NOT mean you literally have to do it all - not in the workplace, not with your friends & family, and especially not with a man who is courting you.

You insisting on doing it all will be the death of you - you take on responsibilities and thus stress more than necessary, and over time you start to wonder why you are exhausted and annoyed all the time.

It is necessary to take a seat back and let others take care of you - that's how you show that you trust & love them.

Sassy_Praline · 2021-11-13T02:56:50+00:00

Love it 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾! I’m getting ready to get back into dating, and needed this reminder!

fireforestfairy · 2021-11-13T07:25:09+00:00

And like the author, it's possible to find a HVM when you're older. There's no reason to rush just because you're single in your 20s or 30s. "The one" appears later in life for some people.

vaguelinen · 2021-11-13T06:41:34+00:00

I used to buy into all the Girl Boss stuff until my ex left me a single mum. I was busy and tired and usually distracted. After my first date with my boyfriend I went on holiday. He asked to see me again but had to wait. I then had another trip. My son then started at a new school. I liked him a lot but if he hadn’t been the one pursuing me and being flexible, it wouldn’t have worked. I assumed it wouldn’t because I thought dating took work on my part.

I found FDS later and realised that by accident rather than design, for the first time I had been dating in a way more conducive to the kind of relationship I actually wanted. I did plenty wrong of course and cringe but you can’t make a HV man LV. Me being busy and self-sufficient but appreciative of him planning dates and driving to me is what made my boyfriend interested in a relationship with me.

PollyAnnaSunshine · 2021-11-13T19:24:00+00:00

I have never initiated contact or pursued men (thanks to my Granny's teachings when I was younger). Am early 30s and single but the relationships I've had have been decent -- with a few notable exceptions-- because I was with someone who had at least met the bar of putting in effort to court and get to know me.

Recently a male friend who I talk to occasionally and who always has women chasing him said some snarky comment "How's that workin' out for you?" when I said that I don't chase after men like the girl he was speaking about does, and that he should just do her a favor and cut contact. He meant it to be snarky but I replied that it was actually working fine and the fact that he was clearly not interested in the women who chase him and is in fact pining over a DIFFERENT woman who he pursued and was rejected by should tell him something.

Buttercup5555 · 2021-11-13T14:11:50+00:00

Here I come with my cynicism lol. He insisted on picking her up for the second date ie knows where she lives. He was pouting in silence when she asked to split the driving, only to say it is emasculating him.... ehh. I mean in isolation it's not a complete deal breaker, I don't know their entire dynamics, but there is a difference between a gentleman + a provider and someone wanting virtually all the control no questions asked.

What I do applaud is I guess the overall message of not panic running to the nearest peepee and trying to convince him we need to be together. Lol hell naw 💅

keep_my_stuff · 2021-11-13T11:54:22+00:00

Her story can be thought of as the story of the person who stopped focusing on being picked and started appreciating the people who show her that she matters. I am less convinced about the whole 'make him feel like a man' thing, but ok.

In my ongoing journey, I have dropped so-so many friends who were funny and interesting in conversations , but couldn't make plans in advance and made me walk in heels / in the cold because they wanted to check out yet another bar.

My picker is first: Does this person respect my time and my needs, like I do for them? And only after that: is this person really smart and fun to be around? The respect is the foundation.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-11-13T03:27:18+00:00

I read this through the lens of my personal experiences, and things I learned the hard way lol

I think women taking the lead is sometimes like the concept of the women having casual sex. There’s nothing wrong with either, but we run the risk of attracting LVM. Whereas casual sex leads to men who don’t see us as human, being forward/asserting during courtship runs the risk of hooking a lazy man: and then we don’t realize until we’re married, cohabitating, and he won’t do a thing unless we remind him repeatedly.

I’m not afraid to ask a man out. I don’t care about anyone else’s thoughts when it comes to me pursuing. I do care about having a partner: an actual partner who will do his share, and not just ride on my energy. I don’t see it as playing games. I’m giving a man the chance to shine…or not, so I know to move on.

motioncaptureF · 2021-11-13T07:27:06+00:00

I cant read it ! 😭 Can someone copy paste

MyBeautifulSweetsong · 2021-11-13T03:41:46+00:00

That photo is gross. Of course he has a woman on another level looks wise.

No it's not the author but still Gross 🤢

aluriaphin · 2021-11-13T08:26:31+00:00

Some pick-up artists talk about "natural game" - a man who didn't need to be taught tricks and strategies, he just had an inborn ability to pick up women. This woman found her innate "natural FDS"!

Novemberinthechair · 2021-11-13T12:52:55+00:00

Um, couldn't they have gotten a better looking guy for the photo/image?

XRoze · 2021-11-13T21:42:40+00:00

I saw this post last night, read the article then immediately downloaded the book the writer mentioned, "Getting to I Do: The Secret to Doing Relationships Right". This book is also on FDS' recommended book list. I was skeptical at first about what the authors were saying, but HONESTLY I think it's 100% on the money. I feel like this book is a cheat code to understanding relationships and put into words a lot of things I've observed myself. I highly recommend this book. It seems like it was the missing piece of the puzzle for me and now I understand where all of the tension in my previous relationships came from or why they dissolved the way they did.

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-11-14T20:27:18+00:00

I haven’t read Getting To I Do since before I married, I’ll give it another read. I used to be very active in an online forum dedicated to The Rules, and this book and The Art of the Love Affair were both must reads at the time.

Much like she has her story about the umbrella in the rain, I’ve just reconnected with someone with a story that has stuck with me since it happened a year ago. This man who I’d been on 3 dates with (and not so much as a hug) did something that was just above and beyond, and it made me feel protected and cared for in a way I hadn’t since my late husband had fallen ill.

I decided I needed to stop dating altogether and just focus on myself, and this guy told me I was amazing and hoped we’d cross paths again, then he left me alone. I flourished, I traveled abroad, I developed several new friendships, life has been amazing this last year.

Then I go to the grocery last week, and as I’m walking in, he’s walking out. He asked me if I’d like to go out again, but made it clear there was no pressure. So now I’m seeing where it goes - but he's going to have to pursue me, I don’t chase.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-11-16T03:30:18+00:00

I feel like such a baby for crying omg.

When he ran out and got her the umbrella I just...my heart...;;;

Title	Perspective \| For years, I pursued men and got nowhere. Then I learned how to sit in the passenger’s seat.
Author	Love_Artemis
Upvotes	191
Comments	34
Date	November 13, 2021 2:30 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qsr8ep/perspective_for_years_i_pursued_men_and_got/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/perspective-for-years-i-pursued-men-and-got.1084393 https://theredarchive.com/post/1084393

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