This is not the flex she thinks she is. When will we grow out of encouraging women to stay with men who hurt them?

august-27 · 2022-03-30T17:44:02+00:00

It's a false dichotomy. You can encourage your friends to leave their shitty boyfriends, while also being there to wipe their tears. You can lift her up, and validate her experience, while also tactfully and honestly giving feedback on her situation.

In a good friendship, you should be able to respectfully challenge each other, even if it sometimes means "feeling bad". Why must we avoid "feeling bad" anyway? Those are precisely the conversations we need to be having. Both to escape abusive situations, and to grow as people.

cloudless-blanket · 2022-03-30T17:07:15+00:00

It gets exhausting. I had a friend message me at all hours of the night “my daughter and I are unsafe, I will message you when I can, please don’t reach I because it could compromise our safety.” Fleeing from her abusive ex. Days later, “Well he is not usually like this, I love him and don’t want to give up on him.” Again and again.

It’s stressful. I don’t lack empathy. I fear for her and her daughters safety, for hours or days until I hear back. I had to pull back on the friendship because I can’t handle the emotional stress.

highoncatnipbrownies · 2022-03-30T18:33:57+00:00

I cannot stand watching someone make the same mistake repeatedly. A couple of times, OK sure you weren't positive but by round 3 you realize what's going on, right?

But when its a scheduled repeat of self perpetuated drama as you invite in the same guy, the same situation, the same self deprecating habits... NO.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-03-30T17:43:38+00:00

that's a fucking enabler, not a friend.

girl, grow tf up!

millennialpink2000 · 2022-03-30T17:41:55+00:00

Being a good friend doesn't mean being a doormat. These people are horrible friends because they have zero common sense, self-sabotage themselves then expect you to pick up the pieces and will never reward your loyalty. Get away from these losers and find real friends

KitKat1705 · 2022-03-30T19:38:57+00:00

I’ve come to learn one thing about pick mes. They are bad friend. They can give 1000 passes to a guy but let her friend tell her something she doesnt want to hear. She will cross you off and never see you again.

curlyhaiir · 2022-03-30T18:51:37+00:00

Been there, done that and I just can’t do it anymore. I support my friends as much as I can but I stopped supporting these situations, I just don’t have it in me anymore. Especially if it’s the only thing they hit you up for, I can’t handle emotional dumbing in my life anymore and I can’t and will not support this toxic relationship behavior. I started telling friends exactly this and if they can’t see this themselves then I’m glad if the friendship is over, I am not 14 anymore.

Buggy1218 · 2022-03-30T16:59:17+00:00

Can’t stand those people who make their friends their emotional support therapist while they repeat the same mistakes ad nauseum.

What was the definition of insanity again?

crapcakes0987 · 2022-03-30T18:20:01+00:00

I just went to friends house last night after feeling upset about a guy from years past. I was reverting to my pick me self and my friend told me logical and constructive advise, as a friend should. She told me to move on and not to message him. Release and forgive, but don’t go back to him, because it will cause you more pain.

And sis is right. It hurt but it was the best advice instead of giving me false hope.

Revolutionary_Cell97 · 2022-03-30T17:56:36+00:00

I have had friendships where I said I wasn’t willing to discuss the boyfriend anymore because it was the same thing each time. The friendship became more superficial in some ways but it also survived until she left him, when it was able to grow again. This was more just a really shitty relationship than physical abuse though.

Illseemyselfout- · 2022-03-30T20:21:56+00:00

Totally. All feelings are valid. But what you do with them matters.

Recently I’ve sat with two different women in the middle of relationship-induced chaos and crisis. Both were just spinning out. Sometimes we call it “venting,” but often it’s just rumination. Rumination actually increases negative feelings— it doesn’t help at all.

What actually helps is reclaiming all the energy spent on rumination and funneling it into something productive or even just into basic self care.

Shift the energy from the intangibles: “I can’t believe he did/said/fucked that,” to the tangibles: “What are the next practical steps I need to take to move forward towards a better life?”

When we redirect the energy, we realize how powerful we really are. We can begin to see our worth. We can know with full clarity that we deserve better than whatever lead to the crisis. And we can feel empowered to take control of our own lives.

Everywhere I look, I’m seeing women leveling up!

galian84 · 2022-03-30T19:56:07+00:00

These women are tough to deal with. I have a friend like this whose love life is quite frankly, a mess, but she refuses to dump the guy and is always crying to me about the shit he’s said and done.

I also WAS this friend who went crying to my bestie each time I got into a fight with my exes and then taking them back.

My best friend never enabled me and I’m glad she didn’t - she realized the relationships were toxic way before I did and literally just told me to dump them, repeatedly.

Technical_Moth248 · 2022-03-31T00:54:21+00:00

Ik it has already been said, but the women that pull this garbage will never stand by your side when you need support. If it comes down to you and their loser bf they will choose him every time.

My best friend since childhood skipped my husband's funeral to spend time with her on and off again scrote because he really needed her that day 🙃 She never made time to listen to my grief but still came around to dump their awful relationship issues on me and I finally called it when she put me in danger. Choose yourself.

MsXxSelfDestructxX · 2022-03-30T18:11:42+00:00

I hate exes that come back and still want to entertain the same BS... and when I keep blocking they've either made new accounts or I find out theyre spreading rumors about me

hilariouslystated · 2022-03-30T21:25:15+00:00

Pickmeshias like the ones she is referring to will take you on their rollercoaster of emotions over and over again only get back with the same guy. It's exhausting and will start to cost you your own mental health. Don't do it.

mashibeans · 2022-03-31T07:18:56+00:00

Nah sorry, but if a woman goes back to their shitty ex 110 times, and expects ME to be her emotional support animal every single time, I'm the fuck out of that friendship.

I'm the firm believer that there's a limit to how much support you can expect from a friend from one same problem. Your friend has their own worries, stress, and issues, and needs you to be there for them too, and I seriously don't think someone who goes back again and again to their shitty ex is a reliable person.

I say this because 9 times out of 10, the people who come crying, wanting pity back pats, and going "woe is me," don't do the same for their friends, and/or ask for advice but always ignore the advice and come back whining about the exact same shit. And if someone is genuinely trying to give you advice because you requested it, don't just immediately refute it

Listen, everyone has their timeline, and not all progress is linear, and it's alright to get some support from your loved ones. But that's a personal journey first and foremost, and knowing your friends are there for you doesn't mean it's OK to expect them to support you every single time. Process the issues, get stronger, learn from the past, aim to be better, and aim to be the kind of person your friends and family would be proud to call theirs.

its_me_phosphene · 2022-03-30T22:49:08+00:00

I just had to drop a friend because she’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years and it’s all we talk about. I spent an entire night (until sunrise) talking and crying with her and she finally made the decision she was going to leave him.

Jk. We spoke a few weeks later and they are “working things out”

I just can’t do it anymore. And frankly I’ve lost a lot of respect for her. She isn’t the same person and I just can’t watch someone I love continue to make bad choices.

It sucks but it’s been a weight off my chest. I was the last one sticking it out with her but there’s only so much you can take

her-vagesty · 2022-03-30T20:24:23+00:00

We shouldn't be mean to our friends who haven't yet started their journey, lord knows I spent many times crying to my bestie over some idiot exs before I found fds. We can be supportive and kind while someone is upset, and help them by offering advice etc. I know it's frustrating if your friend consistently makes bad choices but that's human. Think about how hard it was for you to apply all the rules of fds after reading the handbook and the posts, you can't be too annoyed at a friend who may not have read the same amount of material.

anxious-american · 2022-03-31T15:10:18+00:00

When I was with my abusive ex, we kept breaking up and getting back together. My friend kept getting mad at me for it, and eventually I stopped asking for support and was just abused alone. I got out of it eventually, and obviously we shouldn't encourage women to go back to shitty men, but being there for the girls who are hurt by them is a valuable thing. I wish I had a friend who empowered me instead of getting mad at me at that time

Hikari3747 · 2022-04-06T00:51:28+00:00

But are you really a friend? Or using someone as an LVM rader? That's rather harsh, don't you think?

Title	This is not the flex she thinks she is. When will we grow out of encouraging women to stay with men who hurt them?
Author	nenindis
Upvotes	752
Comments	36
Date	March 30, 2022 4:30 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tsad8z/this_is_not_the_flex_she_thinks_she_is_when_will/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/this-is-not-the-flex-she-thinks-she-is-when-will.1109404 https://theredarchive.com/post/1109404

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