Tips on assertiveness

Snoo-97022 · 2021-02-21T09:33:52+00:00

Body language is important, face to face. Also I have developed a harder edge in my voice and it works when shutting down men talking over me on the phone at work. My colleague ain't so successful because she lacks assertiveness so a conversation that could last 5 minutes I have witnessed going on and on for 30 minutes. I walk shoulders back, spine straight and take up space where I am. It is slightly masculine but it sends a subconsious message you have masculine energy. You can be feminine as you want and still convey masculine energy. Though I have worked on that for years that my femininity has nothing to do with clothes, shoes or make up, that's societal bs that tells us x = feminine.

Ntop__ · 2021-02-21T11:01:31+00:00

This tip might not be for the kind of situation you described above but it does work when you need to very quickly and definitively assert yourself in an unwelcome situation.

Practice dropping your voice a pitch or two. Not necessarily a loud voice, but a deep one that comes from the belly instead of the throat. Bonus points if you pair it with predator eyes. It's not necessarily confrontational though; more like a stream of water turning to ice when disturbed.

Men especially have a hard time taking a woman's high pitched voice seriously. It just doesn't register to them as significant. Lowering your pitch to their level gives a chance at grabbing their attention.

Plus there's always a little shock value in going from conversational high to assertive low pitch and back in the space of a minute. Like oh this sweet and sultry person suddenly has an edge.

Platipus6 · 2021-02-21T10:05:58+00:00

The book "When I say No I Feel Guilty" is a life changer.

FabledAngryVillager · 2021-02-21T08:36:33+00:00

I need tips, too, because I've made a store manager fall down to the ground and cry and made another yell at the top of his lungs. I'm too confrontational.

MagikalWords · 2021-02-21T10:42:16+00:00

The best advice I can think of is say the least you can to get your point across. If you get too wordy, you invite people to prolonging the discussion and that can get out of hand quickly. People will try to find holes in what you're saying just to keep pushing you. Don't try to explain yourself. You don't owe it to anybody. Just say what you need to say and don't argue back.

coldfoot23 · 2021-02-21T10:44:32+00:00

You can be curt without being confrontational. Just say what you mean and mean what you say in an even voice, don’t go back and forth with people. If things are getting too out of hand step away. The handsy dude definitely needed to be told to fuck off. But if you’re in a situation like that again and don’t want to ruin the vibe I find saying “hi we’re trying to enjoy ourselves and you’re ruining that please leave.” Being “nice” but snarky usually throws people off.

Edit: had to reword it lol. Also some times you have to be rude, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and fuck what people think.

generic_redditor_ · 2021-02-21T11:26:14+00:00

Being assertive without being aggressive can be difficult when you're so sick of everyone's shit. Because as a woman a lot of times people won't pay attention to you if you aren't bringing the heat! However I think we can still be passionate and confident without being over aggressive.

The first thing I had to do was some soul searching. Knowing to my core what I expect from people and when its appropriate to compromise and/or walk away. If I am having a conversation or debate with someone and they start attacking me personally, talking condescendingly or mansplaining things. That's an instant dismissal and I will no longer give my time to them. This is assertive because if they get to this point they will want a reaction from you. Do not give it to them. Anything you say will just be seen as a win to them.

In the same vein don't put down anyone, swear at them, yell or raise your voice. Try to remain calm. Eye contact, posture and body language will do as much for you if not more than what you will be saying.

Now to start with I usually ask a simple question; "do you think that's appropriate?", "Do you think your wife would appreciate knowing about this?", "what are you doing?". Its blunt but effective. People will often understand they are crossing a boundary and step down however some people will continue on.

They might answer with a dumb reply and I'll ask them to explain themselves. "why?". If they give you an answer I'll say exactly how I feel "the way you're treating your wife and our colleague right now is extremely disrespectful". Keep it factual. They might try to distract you and put you off track. Keep your ground and don't back down. Don't stand for less.

Sorry for the long post. It works. More often than not I think of assertive situations as a sort of negotiation. It helps to keep my emotions out of it and to focus on an end goal.

WomanAscending · 2021-02-21T11:03:02+00:00

This is the intermediate period between passive and assertive. You're making progress and should be really proud of yourself. You can't just jump from being a 'doormat' to being diplomatically assertive - the pent up anger and frustration has to be purged and yes it will come out in a 'non-elegant' way.

Been there, done that. Embrace it. With me it lasted about a year. I don't regret it at all.

After the old emotions are out, you can start anew and approach these social situations as challenges to be solved in a gamelike fashion. I take great joy in strategizing and scripting the perfect response to these kind of social obstacles now.

I think to myself 'what do I want to accomplish' by speaking up and consider as many factors as I'm aware of (future relationship with this person, setting, how this might come back and bite me if phrased wrongly etc).

But for now your goal seems to be: breaking out of the doormat prison, and with that I wish you good luck - you're doing great.

SpookyWitchesHat · 2021-02-21T11:15:46+00:00

I can very much relate to this, I definitely hear you. Finding your voice is hard work but it’s well worth the effort. Once you’ve found it it can often make people around you uncomfortable when they sense the change from passive to assertive, and unfortunately there can be blow-back which can leave you feeling shaken and unsure.

Perhaps you weren’t as mean or harsh as you perceived yourself to be? It’s a big change for you as well, after all, and change can cause discomfort, even in yourself. You asserted yourself in a situation which I believe was warranted. A bit of fine-tuning and you’ll get there. Be kind to yourself for it’s all baby steps. Keep learning and reflecting because as they say, practice makes perfect.

Once your foundation is set you will be unshakeable.

bidforfreedom · 2021-02-21T12:11:27+00:00

Too many of us worry about being liked by everyone. We want to convey our opinions and boundaries, but without conflict because we get upset when there is conflict. There is nothing wrong with saying no even if the person we are saying it to doesn't agree.

If we want to treat ourselves with respect, love, and care then we need to express ourselves even if it ends in parting ways with the other person or we remain passive and end up feeling bad anyway (former format here🙋‍♀️)

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/being-assertive-wont-stop-people-from-disagreeing-with-you-but-youve-still-got-to-stand-up-for-you/

CaliforniaKed · 2021-02-21T14:44:16+00:00

Read these tips, books, counseling if possible, but also: Don’t be so hard on yourself! They probably deserved it. None of these awful people go around beating themselves up over how they treat innocent people.

The goal is to get to a point where you start talking to yourself the way a good friend would. Or think, what would FDS say? Every time you start blaming yourself or judging, think: Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-02-21T15:42:42+00:00

Sometimes this happens when you have repressed your feeling for a long time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

There is therapy, workbooks, nonfiction books about being assertive.

RadishSignal · 2021-02-21T08:13:27+00:00

When intervening, it's important to keep the affected people at the front of your mind. Often, creating a scene can make a person feel even less safe than when they were on their own. It's generally recommended someone intervene by engaging the targeted person in a safe and nonconfrontational way. Sort of like shouldering someone out of the way instead of calling them out. You can read more about being a proactive bystander here: https://www.rainn.org/articles/your-role-preventing-sexual-assault

gigi_chi · 2021-02-21T15:50:30+00:00

The key is to be succinct. Do not go back and forth , say what needs to be said concisely and end conversation. Maintain eye contact and speak with confidence.

2021-02-21T17:11:50+00:00

I recently read that being assertive is about learning to be increasingly comfortable. If something is making you uncomfortable it’s alright to say so. If someone asks you to do something that doesn’t feel good to you, it’s okay to say no. I like this model because I always think of being assertive as being related to conflict, and I don’t like conflict. But thinking about trying to be more comfortable in life makes sense to me and feels better.

I’ve also found that I can go from one extreme (don’t say anything even if I’m really upset) to another (be really biting and sarcastic and take it way too far). To some extent I think this is just growing pains. You are in the process of learning a new skill and you’re not gonna get it right every time. You can learn from your mistakes and finetune it the next time around.

UmmmHiHello · 2021-02-21T18:01:33+00:00

You didn't fuck up the mood

This broh being handsy did and the woman not sticking up for women is the problem too

dogfart4 · 2021-02-21T20:21:51+00:00

You didn’t ruin the night, by the way. The married creep and the insecure girl did with their actions. People hate being called out on their shitty behavior.

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2021-02-21T15:16:43+00:00

I don’t think what you said to the man was wrong or over the line in any way. As for the woman who said the horrible things to you, maybe the best thing to do would have been to leave when you saw she was there.

immortallogic · 2021-02-21T16:25:34+00:00

Be firm, stick with your no's

When you say something, don't put too much emotion into it (then you'll be accused of being hysterical), but say it with conviction.

If you can, say your piece then extricate yourself from the situation.

Speak in a low pitched voice and speak slowly without using filler words like 'like'.

Also, in public spaces don't make yourself small, spread out, look confident - it sends off unconscious messages of power.

RabidWench · 2021-02-21T21:03:38+00:00

I love all of the tips in here. I also agree that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself for your reaction to their bad behavior. You might want to take a hard look at the people you are hanging out with as well, if the ones in the above story are part of your friend group. Start being more choosy in the people you spend time with, because their behavior affects you.

That ruined mood? Why was the group upset (even silently) with you calling out shitty behavior? We should all be a bit confrontational when people act like that.

That girl who's rude to you all the time? Why is she allowed to take up space in your free time?

I'm not saying ditch all your friends and I'm not criticizing. I'm asking these questions because they deserve a little pondering. These people made you angry and you don't need that in your sparse leisure time. Maybe hang out with the good people in your group one on one for quality time instead, or begin to foster new friendships with others.

Another option if they're not part of your friend group is choosing to walk away from these jerks when they come into your space. You call out the bad behavior once, then leave. If your friends get mad at you for ruining the vibe, you have a free friend filter.

Just a little food for thought. I wish you the best.

cassabell1894 · 2021-02-22T04:41:51+00:00

I used to be pretty passive and submissive as well. It created rage inside me as well. It caused me to go to passive to purely aggressive. I feel I am slowly normalizing now after about a year. Becoming more assertive and less aggressive.

I think it's a natural process. You've held your anger in for so long, and now it's expressing itself strongly. You're learning that you CAN speak up and protect yourself and others.

Keep doing what you're doing. Your anger is justified. You're angry at injustice and bullying and oppression. That's not wrong.

PollyAnnaSunshine · 2021-02-23T05:23:08+00:00

Great question and I am glad to see your edit, that one of your friends was supportive of your assertiveness in this situation.

A couple of things that have worked for me:

-Make direct requests of others when you need or want something from them(e.g. "We need this report by end of day Friday." or "Please stop touching my shoulder.") Whatever it is, picture a period at the end of your sentence rather than an a question mark or no punctuation.

-If their behavior is inappropriate, use a lower and firmer tone of voice and make direct eye contact to show you are serious. Avoid the "baby voice" in situations where you need to be assertive. If it's just a request rather than a boundary issue, I like to use a more upbeat tone of voice, and also thank the person for helping me.

-Use fewer words and do not explain yourself. Do not get drawn into an argument. Whenever my boundaries have been busted, it's because I had discussion after discussion with the boundary breaker, instead of just stating my piece and walking away if necessary.

-Do not apologize for speaking up or for any situation where you did nothing wrong, or for asking that a mistake be corrected. If I order a burger without cheese and they bring it with cheese, I would politely ask for another one. No need to place blame on anyone. No need to apologize or explain the reason why I ordered it that way, etc.

-A popular trope in our culture is to encourage people to use "I feel" language. I have found that to be ineffective. Instead, I let them know what I've observed and then request the change I wish to see directly. My mom is in management and she taught me this one after she heard me say "I feel" all the time and informed me that I was undermining myself.

Ex. someone raises their voice to you-- does it sound more assertive to say "I've noticed you often raise your voice to me when we disagree. Going forward, please do not yell at me. Can you commit to that?" or "I feel disrespected when you raise your voice, can you please stop?" To me, the first one sounds more objective and assertive. Most people know yelling at another person is disrespectful; if they're doing that, they either have little self control, or they don't care how you feel.

Title	Tips on assertiveness
Author	cassabell1894
Upvotes	220
Comments	64
Date	February 21, 2021 8:02 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/losa40/tips_on_assertiveness/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/tips-on-assertiveness.743541 https://theredarchive.com/post/743541

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