Top 3 things you look for in a partner?

VulcanSpaceSquirrel · 2020-10-08T17:55:01+00:00

Kind (to me, others, animals)

Emotionally intelligent

Mentally flexible (able to learn, grow, adapt new things)

OH SORRY I MEANT HE’S 7 FEET TALL AND MAKES 7 FIGURES AND HAS A 7 FOOT DICK

Sage_Planter · 2020-10-08T17:53:40+00:00

This is really meta, but I learned in my relationship that I need someone who has the same definition, expectations, and requirements for "partner" as I do.

I lived with my NVM ex, and in hindsight, it's like we were living on different planets. For example, I would never in a million years go to the grocery store without asking if he needed anything while I was there. To me, that's what partners do. He'd never extend the same courtesy. Same with keeping me informed of his schedule and what he was up to. I didn't need to constantly know where he was, but I certainly deserve a "hey, still out, be home by 2:00 AM" text when I woke up at midnight and he wasn't home yet.

After that, the most important thing is that our values align. Do we have similar values around family, money, religion, etc.? Do we both want kids? Are we open to moving? How do we handle finances?

When I was 24, my therapist had me write a list of non-negotiables and characteristics. A LOT has changed since then, and looking back, it was really superficial. I've dated men without degrees. I've dated men with degrees. Taller men. Shorter men. Men who made more. Men who made less. As long as he fills your cup and makes your soul sing, don't get too hung up on some of the things like "doesn't have roommates."

lhatw · 2020-10-08T18:04:33+00:00

Empathy - It’s a critical trait. If someone shows signs of lacking empathy for others, it’s only a matter of time before they show you the same treatment. An empathic person also takes your feelings into account and will avoid doing things they know would hurt you (i.e. cheating, being dishonest, making hurtful remarks, shaming your needs)
Generosity - If someone is not a generous person, it will not be a surprise they are not generous with their love. Generosity is not the narrow minded thought of just giving gifts. You can gift give without deeply caring for someone. Generosity is about genuine kindness. When you feel it you will know the difference. They are thoughtful. A generous person will also recognize and value its different forms.
Ambition - Ambition is about having goals. They can be short and long term goals. You want someone who knows their general direction, not someone who is a leaf in the wind. Goals are in every area (Career, family, health, relationships, financial, hobbies). You want someone who is sure about their path in a relationship (thoughts on long-term, marriage, etc.) or else you may be subject to a rude awakening or the even worse “forever girlfriend” status.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2020-10-08T17:59:28+00:00

Respect is a huge one. People say that word, but I like to break it down, because I once told my ex he didn’t respect me. He said it was ludicrous; he treated me kindly, we never yelled at each other, he wasn’t an asshole. So I think a lot of people think RESPECT= not an asshole. But it’s so much deeper.

A man who truly respects me will:

not ignore the things I say to him. Whether it’s just everyday stuff, or serious issues I’d like to be addressed. Stonewalling is disrespectful.
trust my judgement as much as he trusts his own. Often my ex would just DOUBT me. Doubt that I had said or done the right thing. Especially if he wasn’t there. And I’d never given any indication that I was irresponsible or impulsive at all
treat my opinions about philosophy, life, politics, etc seriously. Not like they are automatically misguided because I think them. Not like they are a nuisance or “cute”. Not treating his own opinions as completely logical and researched but assuming mine were just formed spontaneously via emotion.
accept that maybe I am smarter than him about some things. Willing to actually learn from me. With my ex there was always this sense he was humoring me and that he was the teacher, and I the student. We did not have a creepy age gap or anything. I think he just thought, he’s the guy, so he’s the teacher.

IrritatedMango · 2020-10-08T17:29:57+00:00

- Kindness

- Needs to believe in equality in a relationship (and doesn't only bring it up when he uses it to be douchey)

- Good communication.

Bubbleguppy0 · 2020-10-08T17:30:54+00:00

Respectfulness, financial stable, and caring.

Bbeautifulbitch · 2020-10-08T18:16:07+00:00

Someone who enjoys daily communication and it’s not a chore for them, respects my boundaries and is protective in all ways (emotionally, physically, financially)

cryingintomycoffee · 2020-10-08T17:56:43+00:00

Can self regulate emotions, financial stability, knows how to give oral sex.

Astral_weaver · 2020-10-08T17:44:48+00:00

-Respectful behavior -Responsibility in all areas of life -Emotional stability

feminologie_ · 2020-10-08T19:07:46+00:00

A kind and respectful human being to EVERYONE. A HVM is a good person first and foremost

Generosity. This is HUGE and if he's not a generous man willing to spend on me and take care of me, then goodbye. Not even worth the trouble.

Self control. Someone who doesn't explode in anger at every inconvenience. Someone who doesn't make impulsive decisions, ESPECIALLY sexual decisions. Someone who thinks with his mind not with his d*ck. Someone who can solve conflict in a level headed manner, who doesn't throw a temper tantrum everytime he's offended.

Self discipline. Someone who takes his responsibilities seriously, shows up to work on time, takes care of problems right away, is dependable and responsibile. Manages his money well, has his sh*t together, takes care of his health, is a productive person. Doesn't have any gross habits like porn, drinking, drugs, etc.

Honesty. Someone who will tell the truth, remain faithful and act with integrity. Someone who would rather does not keep secrets from me in order to spare my feelings or other BS. Someone who follows the law. does the right thing even when nobody is watching or even if he's called a "simp"

Patience. Someone who is willing to take his time with you, go at your pace. Someone who gives you your space when you need it and doesn't pressure you to do anything before you're ready. Someone who doesn't run away when things get hard, is willing to compromise and work with you to get to a common goal of happiness in the relationship.

Stable income. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it can support a family in a decent COL area and is reliable. No scrubs and deadbeats allowed.

Mutual physical attraction. I don't want someone who I don't find attractive. I don't have a type but good hygeine and hair grooming, in shape, taller than me (I'm 5'4) and has a nice smile. I obviously take care of my body and do my best to look good so he should too.

Compatible personalities. I need him to be someone who I can at least be friends with, someone who "clicks" with me and meshes well with my personality.

ethnicallyabiguous · 2020-10-08T20:45:31+00:00

I won’t give you my three, rather, go and check out a podcast called breaking the dating code by loari Edison. She has 3 episodes dedicated to curating your list. The podcast was super helpful.

Don’t feel under pressure to have it all down right away.

Also, When you see HVM exhibiting characteristics that you like, add to the list. How he treats his wife and kids. Physical traits you like, aspects of his character, etc.

EDIT: Breaking the dating CODE by Loari Edison

juliesans · 2020-10-08T17:31:23+00:00

Tough to nail down a top 3, but a Bachelors minimum, has his own place, and can give me an orgasm 🤙🏻

Education bit is because I want to be on the same socioeconomic level as my partner. Also want to have interesting conversations, and have a partner who’s interested in my academic endeavours (I’ve had previous exes who asked me not to talk about what I got to do in the clinic that I was excited about because it was “gross” - I’m in medicine).

Sounds superficial, but if I find a nice respectful guy who lives in his parents basement and doesn’t have an education nor can pleasure me, I wouldn’t accept that.

cherrypepsilvr · 2020-10-08T21:04:36+00:00

- Respects me. That means he won't push at my boundaries or try to trick me into accepting bad behaviour. He has to be aware that I am a catch and he should be trying to impress me - even six or twelve months into the relationship, he should be treating me with good manners and taking me on dates.

- Has the kind of looks that give me butterflies. I'm not attracted to many people, but I won't compromise on this, I've had too much mediocre sex to go back there.

- No emotional baggage. I know everyone has something, but for me, things that would prevent my enjoyment of a relationship are: kids from a previous relationship, substance problems, mental illness but only if they don't make an effort to keep on top of it. I'm sick of guys who sit around waiting for a girl to come around and save them.

RachelStorm98 · 2020-10-08T19:41:45+00:00

1.) Empathy 2.) Ambition 3.) Respectful.

There is probably way more than that but this post asked for 3 things. :)

Danigirl_03 · 2020-10-08T18:37:57+00:00

My list is pretty straight forward for the core basics.

1) Must have a solid career and make at minimum as much money as me, with growth potential. Mine is solid and I don’t want to date down and I’m not paying for him to live my lifestyle.

2) Must be as tall as me. I’m 5’11, I’ve dated men shorter than me and I’ve never not had their insecurity and ego get in the way.

3) No young kids, or kids from multiple women and must not want more kids. I have a teenager, I’m not starting over with someone who has young kids who’s looking for a built in new mom to parent for them. If they have children they need to be a responsible involved parent who has at least 40% custody time and a good father and very involved in their kids lives, if I ask who your kids teacher or coach for their athletic activities is or best friend is they should know. They also need to have a similar parenting strategy to me. I don’t want to have conflicts over parenting styles. I also have a 14 year old I will not be stopping my life or career to have more children period, so they can’t want more kids at all.

4) They have to be a dog person and like dogs. My golden retriever is 12 and she’ll be here long after he’s gone. I will always want to have a dog in my life.

5) They must not have any debt other than a mortgage or if they’ve recently gone back to school a student loan only if they’re upgrading their education.

6) They must have solid hygiene and personal appearance. I’m happy to direct them to clothes etc that are more to my tastes for their appearance. But a good haircut and solid grooming habits are a must. If you’re wearing ripped t-shirts trashed jeans and shoes that are falling apart you don’t value your appearance enough for me.

7) They must live alone except for their own children. No room mates, no living with family or parents.

8) No momma’s boys, you can’t change them it’s not worth the time and effort.

9) Be appropriately medicated and stable on those meds. If they have anxiety or depression etc, they need to be actively working with a medical professional and be appropriately medicated and stable on those meds. I’m not your emotional support animal and it’s not my job to manage your moods and issues.

10) They need to understand that I have a teenager she is the most important person in my life. They will never come before her or be more important than her. My role in her life will change as she transitions to adulthood and has her own adventures in life. But she is and will always be a piece of my heart living outside my body.

These aren’t in order of priority but any of these are an immediate no from me.

balladwilds · 2020-10-08T21:39:11+00:00

respectful, emotionally open & kind. these things are super important to me

4E4ME · 2020-10-09T14:30:59+00:00

Displays true confidence by owning their mistakes, and apologizing for them sincerely. Corrects their mistakes without being asked to do so.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2020-10-08T21:51:05+00:00

My top 3 things that are entire deal breakers for me and that are non-negotible are:

Education, wealth, and money: I absolutely will not even joke about entertaining any man who doesn't have at least a VERIFIABLE bachelor's degree, a VERIFIABLE booming business and/or money of his own, and his own house and own cars, that he owns HIMSELF. I REFUSE to date broke, uneducated, or unemployed men. I absolutely will NOT gamble on ANY man I can't verify through social media or other online means. If he doesn't have social media or other online ways of being verified as the person he claims to be, he doesn't have my right swipe. I will NOT gamble or "take a chance" on a guy I cannot verify.
Effort & evidence of interest in me: I absolutely will NOT entertain any men who put forth low-effort when it comes to courting me. It ALL has to come from him, to be paid for by him, and it needs to be impressive, compelling, romantic, sweet, thoughtful, and convincing. I absolutely will not even respond to low-effort messages or offers for unamusing/unimpressive dates.
Looks: I refuse to even joke about dating a guy below 6'1, and will often swipe left on guys shorter than 6'4. I REFUSE to even joke about entertaining a guy who has thinning hair or is balding. I REFUSE to entertain fat men, ugly men, and men with bad skin. I WILL NOT TOLERATE POORLY GROOMED MEN. If he needs a haircut, I swipe left. If he needs better clothing choices, I swipe left. If he needs a shave or has too much body hair, I. SWIPE. LEFT. If he's got bad teeth or missing teeth. I. SWIPE. LEFT. I REFUSE to even LOOK at men without a drop dead sexy face, beard, and muscles who is well groomed. ANY man I swipe right on must have a 6-pack and be very physically fit. This all must be verifiable, and I never see any man before video chatting with them or having them send me verification photos. His hygiene needs to be impeccable. If I smell anything my nose finds repulsive, he is blocked, THE FIRST TIME.

Good luck with your list!

werker115 · 2020-10-08T17:32:35+00:00

Communicative Ambitious Kind hearted

maraslove · 2020-10-08T17:55:44+00:00

Good looks, Career, Very romantic.

Elegant-Stop · 2020-10-08T18:19:56+00:00

Generosity, Looks, Kindness

teriyawki · 2020-10-08T17:38:29+00:00

Emotionally Intelligent (don’t worry, I’m prepared to stay single for a long time, here in America).

Financially Stable.

A college reading level..

thinktwiceorelse · 2020-10-08T18:00:02+00:00

Kind, responsible, good in bed

MuffinSongs · 2020-10-09T03:31:20+00:00

Good job

Emotionally available and mature

Excited about me

Salt_Satisfaction · 2020-10-09T04:31:08+00:00

Kind

Determined

Inquisitive

_tinyimp · 2020-10-09T06:39:44+00:00

Loves animals. Appreciates the arts. Likes dessert foods as much as I do. Looks on the bright side. Doesn’t have a hole in the part of his underwear where his balls are.

theawkwardalli · 2020-10-09T07:48:34+00:00

Humility is one that I haven’t seen here yet. Having confidence is great and very important, but egocentrism is a no-no.

Express_Chocolate_60 · 2020-10-09T16:47:43+00:00

Respectful, clean, well groomed, empathetic, supportive, educated, monogamous, someone i can talk to about everything, puts effort in our relationship, doesn't lie, cheat, steal, has a job and pretty much isn't a piece of shit. I also meet the same requirements so...

Madholley · 2020-10-09T17:45:17+00:00

Growth-minded. Kind. And active! I don’t care what kind of activity. Just don’t be a couch creature.

voodo2020 · 2020-10-08T18:52:48+00:00

Rich and not frugal, loyal, good cooking skills

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