What are some commonly held FDS talking points do you disagree with?

Capable_Okra · 2020-08-18T18:26:44+00:00

I personally love FDS but I don't take it as a bible. I generally use it to improve my life and maintain my standards. The biggest thing I take from it is to ditch a guy as soon as he crosses a boundary or detracts from my life. It's also helped me greatly come to terms with being single and seeing that as a huge improvement from being stuck with a LVM. One thing I don't strictly stick to is the dinner date thing. Certainly I wish men would ask me on dinner dates, but given that my country has done an awful job of dealing with the coronavirus, I am electing not to go to restaurants for the time being. So I would actually be kind of taken aback if a man asked me to dinner on our first date, because in this climate, I am not unmasking for anyone I don't know unless they're my doctor and they need to see my face lol. The general response to that is "then don't date right now" but you know what, I'm 30 and I want to have kids, and I don't believe in sitting around and waiting for my life goals to magically happen to me. So I'm doing video dates and even (gasp) walking dates. It isn't ideal but I am comfortable with it and I believe I can still uphold my standards this way. Many will disagree but I don't think any path to self improvement stems from a black and white adherence to a set of rules. We're all individuals and we can all be high value in a way that we're comfortable with.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2020-08-18T19:40:47+00:00

I guess I’ll answer. I’m old and married, but if I ever found myself single again, marriage wouldn’t necessarily be my end goal. I’ve been there done that. I’ve had my babies. Being a “forever girlfriend” is whatever for me, but the important thing would be that the hypothetical man wasn’t being noncommittal or blowing smoke up my ass about “not believing in marriage” like he’s trying to mange down my expectations about his commitment to me. Gtfo of here with that stupid bullshit.

That all being said, I absolutely recognize the importance of marriage for the younger ladies here.

Also I’m a pretty big nerd and gamer and so is my husband. We are very happy but FDS generally takes a dim view of gamers. However, I totally recognize that this hobby is not for everyone.

2020-08-18T18:58:45+00:00

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Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-08-18T18:58:10+00:00

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ModernDayOracle · 2020-08-18T21:00:47+00:00

I know it's forum, not handbook, but I struggle a bit with how vicious some of the comments can be. It gets a little bit Mean Girls sometimes. When the rest of the sub is so supportive and encouraging its a bit of a stark contrast.

There's a disconnect with some rules for some of those of us who aren't American, I'd love to see a bit more awareness of different cultures and healthy discussion in how to implement an FDS approach that respects the autonomy of women in those cultures rather than expecting to be able to copy/paste an American approach elsewhere.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-08-18T18:39:42+00:00

Nothing really comes to mind. The only thing I've done against handbook of note was move in with my current partner before engagement but it was done on my personal timeline and because I wanted it...plus it was before I came to the sub, and heard some of the arguments against it. I still don't think it was a mistake as I've never been happier in my life, despite the quarantine - but I get why it WOULD be a potential mistake.

CelebrationKey · 2020-08-18T19:53:48+00:00

My husband is a marine officer and fds doesn't speak highly of military men

gursky0 · 2020-08-18T18:58:22+00:00

I don't disagree with anything in the handbook, but I do see posts and comments here I don't love, mostly from very new users who are still in the early phases of FDS (e.g. explicitly stating her standards, coming up with burns instead of blocking/deleting, etc.). Those women are always called out, though.

CatSweets · 2020-08-18T20:10:50+00:00

The only things I disagree with for now, but haven't tested yet (I discovered FDS this year and I'm not dating because of covid) are the "no coffee dates" and "no sex before commitment", both are due cultural differences.

I don't live in the US and dinner dates are considered super formal and for established couples/older people. The norm here is drinks/beer dates, so whenever I start dating again, I'd rather not go to bars and would choose a higher end coffee shop instead.

About sex, I don't plan to wait until commitment to do it (and yes, I know there are ways to test if a man is sexually compatible), but I'd rather let the guy go early if the sex is not good. That doesn't mean I don't plan to make them wait for it - I want to test that FDS principle, only it will not be for 3 months.

Again, I'm not dating so I haven't put anything in practice yet, I'm aware of the opinions about these topics and I'm not advicing against them, I'm just saying what would make more sense for me in my culture.

heleninthealps · 2020-08-18T20:37:57+00:00

Well for starters, I don't agree that liking video games is a LVM thing, since I love playing on my PS4 and computer some times of the year, and my man as well. We're not addicted to it in any way, if it's sunny we go to the mountains/lake or whatever... so just because someone likes it it's not a red flag.

Secondly I don't agree on not having sex until commitment is established, because I did that twice in my 20s and ending up having to have a really awkward breakup with two guys that were just....sooooo BAD, selfish and small, and....awkward and nope. However - I do take MONTHS before I'm comfortable sleeping with a man for the first time, and they really need to have proven themselves to benefit me, care for me and treat me like a queen before I'm willing to go there, and we then decide to commit to each other.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-08-18T20:12:59+00:00

Yeah, just wasted my precious time having to defend myself 2 days ago because I stated I disagree with prostitutes being charged as criminals, which does NOT mean I’m in favor of prostitution at all. I’m already rolling my eyes and bracing myself for the downvoting and the attacks, but I will not engage in another toxic and pointless argument because I have the right to my own opinion and, as far as I know this isn’t a women’s cult...

Summerisle7 · 2020-08-18T19:05:31+00:00

Honestly I don't think I disagree with anything in the FDS handbook, if anything I wish the handbook went further on a few areas. It's somewhat ambiguous on the topic of FWB, for example.

Sage_Planter · 2020-08-18T18:40:10+00:00

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Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-08-18T18:43:18+00:00

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Summerisle7 · 2020-08-18T18:18:55+00:00

You first, what suggestions does an 18yo have for why the handbook is wrong? Please, enlighten us

sadpourtoujours · 2020-08-18T20:36:31+00:00

This thread reeks of Pickmeisha.

missamourcali · 2020-08-18T20:15:48+00:00

Sex

Like there needs to be a condensed version bc I'm not waiting three months and even if things aren't working out with dating I'm free to have sex with guys who are definitely not getting a chance at a relationship with me

FDSxMuffinVSrat · 2020-08-18T20:56:21+00:00

There's a lot I disagree with, but I'm not here for that. I'm here for what I do agree with:

Better and more specific ways to filter out men who are more likely to abuse you, take advantage of you, or not improve your life. For me this boils down to effort.

I don't really care about feminism at large - some women here are really focused on it, and it's NOT that I disagree, it's just that my political opinion are more focused on different issues, primarily on homelessness and housing at large. That's where I direct my effort personally (I volunteer) and when I read about things online. So the whole blue/pink/purple pill stuff I really just don't care about. I think it's easy to get sucked into it and argue (because some men on line are legitimately insane and clearly wrong), but it's not something I feel it's worth my time. I've heard there are a lot of twitter wars on this too but I'm not on twitter. I like the one liners and screenshots for memes but my advice is not to do a deep dive on an issue like that.

I also don't personally like words that are demeaning towards women. I don't like using them even in a way to "reclaim" the words.

Other than that what is there to disagree with? Women come here and support each other's standards and point out low effort when they see it to help other women. To me that reminds me of "life is too short to make all the mistakes yourself". I'm learning from the experience of other women with similar goals. Prior to FDS I may have said yes to a coffee date. Now there's no chance of that. Before I was flattered when men have me attention - now I understand that's it's more for them than me. Before I rarely blocked and now I do it all the time.

None of these are huge changes in behavior. But they're small ones that help you save time and effort and better filter men.

At 18 you're young. I'd focus on education, and only entertain fun men when you have time for fun. I would look at this subreddit with a less marriage centric lense, I would not advise any woman to marry before they completed their education because financial dependence is so important. Don't be afraid to drop men once you're unhappy with them is my advice for someone your age especially.

Title	What are some commonly held FDS talking points do you disagree with?
Author	lostgirl_93
Upvotes	21
Comments	73
Date	August 18, 2020 6:16 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ic6eyn/what_are_some_commonly_held_fds_talking_points_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-are-some-commonly-held-fds-talking-points-do.169976 https://theredarchive.com/post/169976

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