Why do south asian girls settle for average

XNjunEar · 2021-10-17T11:30:02+00:00

I've noticed a difference as well in what some people consider to be 'nice'.

To me, nice means you are kind, always talk to me with respect and act and conduct yourself like a gentleman; but a Chinese woman once defined a nice man as 'spending money on you'. I can't have you spending money on me and not treating me with respect.

Nice is necessary but not sufficient.

HoneyBouquet · 2021-10-17T10:40:23+00:00

Because they have low self esteem. South Asian culture beats down women in general and in effect has raised a generation of young South Asian women praising the bare minimum.

The south Asian mothers coddle their sons so much that the sons do no chores and are lacking in masculine energy. They end up being absent or emotionally available fathers later on. The woman takes the brunt of the child rearing, chores and responsbilities and ends up being a psuedo mother to the man.

Most South Asian men disappoint me due to lack of upkeep, motivation and interesting personality.

I've been told not to have high standards by everyone in my community apart from my HV sister and my FDS friend.

I know a very pretty south asian woman who is getting married to a literal shrek. She doesnt think she can do better.

One_Bat_2525 · 2021-10-17T14:34:39+00:00

We are bought up to believe that our sole purpose is to serve men. I’m not sure about anyone else on this thread, but when I was a young girl, all the females were in the kitchen, cleaning and allowing the men to eat first. We had these messages ingrained in us from a young age. I remember one time, I got sick of seeing the boys in my family outside playing and I resented being in the kitchen washing dishes with my Aunt. I snuck outside to play, and my uncle asked me what I was doing outside and not helping. That day I was called lazy, ungrateful and that I should feel ashamed of myself for not helping. A couple of weeks later my cousin and I found some lipstick and were standing in front of a mirror putting it on. Her mother caught us and we were told we couldn’t wear make up and had to wait until we were older to ask our husband’s permission. We were ten for context. Like, wtf?!

Fast forward several years. You get set up with South Asian men or go on dates with them. They have been coddled so much by their mothers that they have zero life skills and the majority are LVM. I went to one of these marriage set up things a few years ago and a surprising number of mothers of the guys were saying that they only wanted a girl that was a doctor or dentist for their son, when their son was working in a call centre or some entry level job.

We are taught from a young age to give everything to men and not accept anything in return. Men can be old, ugly and be losers but they will still be valued higher than a woman in her thirties because she is “past it.”

I wish for our generation and future generations to address the deeply ingrained cultural misogyny. It won’t only be beneficial for women, but it would greatly benefit men too.

kinkardine · 2021-10-17T14:39:10+00:00

I was just talking about this to my bestie yesterday, the guys are raised to be narcissist in our culture (South Asian), and the girls are groomed naive for every type of exploitation. Think of Sita and how much she is idolized as a feminine character when in reality she is just a victim with extremely poor boundaries and no voice of her own. Compared to Princess Leia in western culture- though that brings me to the following point below-

There is absolutely no social inclusion if you are not married, (in my Bengali culture widows were literally burnt/buried alive with their hubby’s dead body until colonial rulers came and said ‘Ewww’)so to be considered as a functional human they have to have a husband. Even though I am in a different country now, if I met a fellow South Asian, they ask ‘where is your husband?’ within 5 minutes of a small talk and I can see their antennae raising to gauze me based on my husband’s social profile. When I became a widow- I tried to be sad thinking of my other married friends in my country, but I just felt relieved that I do not have to do those anymore, I do not have to keep a man as a signboard, and then do all the weigh lifting of a household, like deity Durga- but Durga with all her 10 hands does she take care of herself or use them for being the best mommy Mc Bangmaid, when she instills her boundaries she is Kali

asupernova91 · 2021-10-18T02:16:55+00:00

Same thing happens in Central America. I have so many friends who could be models married to some average looking “nice” scrote.

IworshipKalikadevi · 2021-10-17T10:58:42+00:00

As a southasian myself, I have a few reasons in mind:

Women are actively encouraged to seek a "nice boy" from society. For older generation women that means a man who won't beat you or abuse you. So you know the bar is already on the floor.
Standards are VERY different for men vs women. My own mother used to tell me (smart, pretty, kind) to marry a guy even if he was ugly and dumb if he was kind
Lack of experience: not sure if this is common everywhere, but for where I was us girls were not allowed to talk to guys EVER. So lot of women don't know how to vet like in FDS or how to evade love bombing.

Add in internalized misogyny, self hate, lack of self esteem like poster above said and some trauma and you have the recipe for why amazing southasian women end up with LVM. It makes me so depressed seeing this and I wish I can do more honestly.

sjwonder · 2021-10-17T11:14:48+00:00

Because the standards for male behaviour is set very low in South Asian households.

All the men in my family are abusive to varying levels and the women are taught that it’s their job to keep the marriage in tact no matter what.

My mother regularly tries to shame me out of any standards I want to set for the men that I’m dating because that’s all she’s seen with her husband, brothers and father. “Men are just like that”…”it isn’t important for men to be attractive”…”you aren’t perfect, either.”

FDS had felt like the mother-figure/older sister that I’ve always needed to give me permission to raise the bar.

riverofdenali · 2021-10-17T13:42:12+00:00

I see this all the time! When I was dating I constantly had my parents breathing down my neck to not let him pay for things or take me on dates. Dating as a South Asian woman is so difficult. There are so many cultural things at play and oftentimes South Asian women settle because the man is a better cultural choice rather than a good fit for them personally. It’s all about satisfying others rather than satisfying yourself.

Shru4 · 2021-10-17T12:58:51+00:00

South Asian woman here and I think it's because culturally, our society intentionally aims to break down the confidence of women. From clothes to our ambitions, there is never a scenario that women can win in lol. There is also the fact that desi men are, in general, bottom tier. It's very rare to come across HVM here (again, thanks to cultural misogyny and society enabling men and their sexism). Ain't too many good fish in the sea plus we all know how inter-race marriages are viewed among desi families. The lady will end up getting slut shamed in those cases.

nomaki221 · 2021-10-17T18:59:27+00:00

poverty and social mobility

pinksamosa · 2021-10-17T18:13:35+00:00

We have been told since we are really young that don’t go for looks, go for a nice guy. A single nice trait and the entire sub par human is termed as nice sometimes. Fuck the patriarchy.

DoversBlue · 2021-10-17T16:47:20+00:00

Because South Asian culture is steeped in abuse. If luck's not on your side, you can even get physically abused.

From my personal observations, women are ok with having a boring & average partner as opposed to an attractive and passionate one because we confuse love with abuse due to our mothers being abused by our fathers. As a result, these women must have likely been in toxic and sexually inappropriate relationships previously, and resolve to be in the type of partnership you mentioned. Not all of them reach the learning curve that kindness and stability can coexist with romance, attraction and passion. This is especially so if the guys she has been with are South Asian themselves, which means guys and girls both either recreate these cultural patterns of abuse, or confuse a transactional, dutiful non-relationship for a stable one.

teaandcoffee717 · 2021-10-17T15:40:27+00:00

In South Asian countries it is a belief that women cannot survive without having a man in her life. My mom says (she doesn't agree) it looks bad on a woman who gets into her 30s and 40s without a husband means she's undesirable, and a woman who likes to travel alone is seen as a prostitute. A lot of these countries don't give women the freedom and safety to be on there own without judgement. So this cycle of belief continues even if you have migrated to a first world country — that as long as you get a man, any man — you are desirable and able to thrive in life. Colourism plays a huge part as well, that darker women are considered less than lighter skinned women, so you should be "thankful" if a man finds you attractive eye roll

As first generation Canadian, I learned that my skin colour has never been in the way of men (of all races) finding me attractive. It's so important for South Asian women to understand their worth and power to dismantle these beliefs our ancestors have brought upon us for generations.

Girl_with_glassess · 2021-10-17T13:40:22+00:00

According to an old friend, "it's better to be a devorcee than be a spinster". So she married her ex. Their relationship was, according to her, toxic. But, she said she'd seen his worse, so nothing will surprise her anymore.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-10-17T11:54:49+00:00

Because lOvE.

ultblue7 · 2021-10-17T14:21:56+00:00

Im Caribbean/West Indian, but I have a few South Asian female friends and they regularly tell me I don’t understand the pressure they feel to get married.

From what Ive seen about their attitudes towards marriage and how their families speak to them; the pressure is constant. They are also told that they should get married young because couples will be able to compromise better and work together that way rather than when they are older and set in their ways.

I’m also in the US where their dating pool is even more limited by the Indian men that have made it here and still hold values essential to Indian culture (i.e. wanting to commit, wanting marriage, etc.) Some date outside of that but most prefer to marry Indian men because of familial expectations. I do think men are under the same pressure to get married early but have more time to say no and dating outside of this preference is encouraged. I’ve also had these friends STILL talk about how important marrying someone of the same caste is (male or female). So thats another limiting factor. All in all, its a complex, high pressure endeavor.

In my case, I often get mistaken for these women and approached by Indian men but once there is an understanding that I am not actually from Southeast Asia; the attitudes of the men become completely different and I am either seen as a hookup, friend zoned, or completely ignored.

I feel like for West Indians, those values sort of fell apart because of the poverty and lack of societal structure that leads to this sort of pressure. Even my parents were able to have a love marriage even though we are ethnically south asian. My grandparents had an arranged marriage. The cultural pressure is still there but its weaker and not sustainable once you move away from it; particularly coming to the US.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-10-17T18:45:57+00:00

I think that if someone has low expectations, average (or slightly below average) seems like a HVM. One of my friends dates like this, always sayin, “But he doesn’t cheat.” Sis! Faithfulness is like breathing: the norm and what he should be doing anyways! Raise the bar!

Sewud · 2021-10-17T20:34:38+00:00

I don't know, the white women around me also date down. For me I concluded that it's because women outnumber men in college. Men like to give the example of women who marry rich businessmen or something, but where I live the women are more ambitious than the men, so you mostly see women who are doctors and super nice and active pairing up with just ordinary guys.

laung_samudera · 2021-10-17T13:13:28+00:00

Because they have raised so many scrote sons yet demand their daughters get married or be shamed by society. They tend to just give up and marry the sweet IT guy down the office instead of the rich neighbours scrote son because.... Scrotes.

No_Appearance_6101 · 2021-10-17T13:22:18+00:00

And this is why LVM western narcissistic men are rushing to go get nice asian women to marry that could be easily manipulated into submission. Girls study American laws that protect women before coming here and always look after your interests.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-10-17T16:33:27+00:00

Not sure about cultural root causes but yeah the SE Asian men I've met were all absolutely 🤮 (and mean as hell) and the women were wonderful, beautiful, and kind.

lizannne · 2021-10-17T14:59:02+00:00

I don’t notice exactly that. I’m not born or raised in South Asia though. It’s usually that the “ogres” have fancy degrees or high paying jobs and misogynistic pains to be around.

Edit: Wow. I’m not sure if it has to do with being Christians. My parents never even let me in the kitchen to work, as a child. It was always got extra time? Assignments done? Go do kid stuff like play. Thank God for them. As for the when you getting married bit, recently lol 🙄 But they wouldn’t want anyone but the best man for me and have never once told me anyone would do.

Peak_Tree · 2021-10-17T22:20:37+00:00

As a non south Asian woman I'd say: it's a combination of INTENSE social/ family pressure to get married and slim pickings out there.

ThatGirl60 · 2021-10-18T01:51:47+00:00

I am south Asian but I don’t like to be grouped in like this because of my race. I have worked so hard these last few years to build up my life and confidence after an abusive relationship. So I disagree. I think many women settle for less. Race has nothing/ little to do with it. I think this mentality is frankly, racist.

throwtrappedinthis · 2021-10-19T01:05:38+00:00

Speak for yourself. My (South Asian) hubby (also South Asian) is great. I still have A LOT to teach him because he just arrived but he's so wonderful

Title	Why do south asian girls settle for average
Author	NUTELLALOVER97
Upvotes	326
Comments	51
Date	October 17, 2021 10:21 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/q9w35g/why_do_south_asian_girls_settle_for_average/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-do-south-asian-girls-settle-for-average.1079029 https://theredarchive.com/post/1079029

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