Broad question for everyone: What do you attribute to a successful marriage or relationship?

NarniaFox · 2021-11-25T05:28:06+00:00

Will you mind if I just copy my comment from the last post?

Compatible values, beliefs, morals, plans on the future. Similar attitude towards life in general, relationship etc. We make and work on our longterm plans together. We usually share very similar opinions about some news/decisions/politics etc. And if we don't, it's fun to have discussions about the topic. What is important is that our core values match and we want similar things from life.
Open, honest and caring communication and actually listening. We share a lot and if we want to talk about some issues, we try to be very gentle about it. We try to communicate our feelings and worries so we could get support and also so we'd both know how the other is doing and what they need at the moment. I don't think that there's anyone who knows my husband or me better than we know each other at this point.
Staying respectful during arguments. Again, the goal isn't to prove how right you are, the goal is to solve the conflict with the least losses from both of you and for your relationship. We're both okay with making compromises and we know areas that are more important for one of us. We know how to calm each other and to make see the other's point.
Enough quality time. Before covid we were going out, but now we have all our date nights at home. We also cook together, watch films etc. But I think that the most important time is right before going to sleep, because we cuddle and talk.
Strong sexual attraction from the beginning. We keep it up by experimenting and talking about our desires. We have a bit different libidos, so the compromise for us is to have it daily. I make a point to save some energy/mood for intimacy, but he's understanding and not pushy at times when I'm too stressed out for it though.
Egalitarianism. We're both egalitarian, we share responsibilities and we treat each other as an equal, not as a subordinate. We have similar income and we spend equal amount of time on cleaning and cooking. So we both have similar amount of free time.
Care and kindness towards each other. Small gestures like picking me up after work, cooking chicken soup when one is ill, baking his favorite pie, learning to bake because I like baked goods, making his morning coffee or him choosing to spend the last milk on pancakes fir me. Nothing is hard, but everything is valuable.
Lots of touch. We're both very affectionate, we like physical touch. Hugging, kissing, just touching his back when I go etc. I couldn't date someone who wasn't as "touchy" as I am. We walk around holding hands, cuddle in the morning and at night, always have lots of cuddles after sex, hug during a day, our working spaces are close to each other so sometimes I just caress his shoulder/arm/back absent-mindedly and he often does the same.

Specialist-Action-33 · 2021-11-25T06:48:19+00:00

I kinda agree what everyone says here in the comments. My biggest thing is that both people should try to maintion that excitement that they had when they first started. I know that people get used to eachother and become sort of complacent especially as they get older so you have to discover new things as time goes along.

A big thing is to not make your marriage/relationship seem mundane. Avoud the same routine week-in, week-out. Work does take up a lot of your time (I work 12 hrs/6 days and play Mr. Uber/Lyft for the rideshare at my job) and having kids doesn't make it any easier. If your date nights only consists of going somwhere like Walmart on Saturdays then you might need to fix that. It might work for a while but eventually one of you wil get tired of it.

poppy_blu · 2021-11-25T08:42:26+00:00

Married for 16 years. I attribute it to, in no particular order:

marrying someone i actually like as a person - my best friend in fact
marrying someone with similar goals, values and background— the latter is important because as much as we don’t want to admit it your families can make or break your marriage
marrying someone who sees it as a partnership and us as a team
going into it with my eyes open and no illusions about fairy tales/happily ever after
a shit load of patience, compromise and letting go of the small stuff
marrying a man who is an actual man and responsible adult and not an entitled perpetual teenager looking for mommy 2.0
being lucky enough to have the financial resources that we’ve never had to worry about money, even when I was a sahm (which as also good planning on our part)
having similar hobbies and enjoying each others company but also having our own lives, hobbies and support networks and not looking to each other to fulfill every single need. Also that he only rarely complains about my PPD addiction.
keeping most of our money separate and divising a HH financial structure that is fair
great sex, even when we’re not always in the mood. Role playing and experimenting.
knowing each other’s love language.
when i want to literally shove him in front of a speeding train, remembering the man I fell madly in love with 20 years ago and reminding myself that he’s still in there somewhere, buried underneath decades of monotonous adult responsibilities
trust and respect
he makes amazing ribs and gives great head
and honestly lots of luck. You can marry the right person and do everything right and still end up with a failed marriage.

NockerJoe · 2021-11-25T05:31:33+00:00

I think the obvious thing is you need to treat your partner like an actual human being you respect, and you need to communicate that respect. In a few older couples I've seen someone cheat, but thats usuallly after several years of disrespect or being taken for granted. On the flip side I've seen younger couples where someone cheats because they value someone or something else more than their partner. Obviously these can happen at any point in a relationship but thats my anecdotal experience.

You need a partner that respects you, who you actually respect, and you can never under any circumstqnces take that for granted or assume thats a status quo.

cautionTomorrow555 · 2021-11-25T06:22:37+00:00

Compromise, communication, enjoying each other's company, and being willing to forgive one another especially for smaller things.

KirthWGersen · 2021-11-25T07:07:13+00:00

Having a deep attraction and love for one another, treating each other decently, having the skills to resolve conflicts, respecting one another etc. are all of the utmost importance.

But equally important is knowing when and how to change the shape of the relationship, which could mean anything from giving one another more space, through depending less on one another emotionally or financially, to amicably splitting up.

Barely-moral · 2021-11-25T09:47:23+00:00

what do you attribute to your lasting relationship?

A good incentive structure. Plenty of reasons to stay, no reasons to leave.

How do you keep the excitement up over the years

Games and small surprises. Not that excitement is that important.

how do you handle changes over the years and if there are children involved has this changed your dynamics?

No children. We have an agreement that clearly states our responsibilities towards each other. Every change that doesn't get in the way is fair play. The agreement can be renegotiated at pre established dates. In case of an emergency or special situation we both can call for a re negotiation outside those dates. If an agreement can't be reached wither we go back to the previous form of our agreement or the relationship is over.

sernamedeleted · 2021-11-25T14:17:27+00:00

I've said it so much I'll just start hitting the auto complete and it should do it.

It's all about open and honest communication between mature consenting adults who treat each other with respect and share common interests and compatible life goals and priorities.

I had to help the autocomplete only twice, not bad.

Hoopy223 · 2021-11-25T16:31:16+00:00

Having enough income to be relatively comfortable is a huge one.

Spending time together regularly is another.

Taipanshimshon · 2021-11-25T17:54:56+00:00

Work.

yoooooooooooodaddy · 2021-11-25T20:42:02+00:00

Unironically the only thing needed in a successful relationship is common goals and attributes and a feeling that neither is settling for the other.

The problem in 99% of modern relationships is that the man expects his woman to be Riley Reid 24/7 or woman expect their men to act like a Disney prince and constantly show love.

This wasn’t really a problem 40 years ago. But now, guys can go on pornhub and see a 3/10 getting passionately fucked by a supermodel and woman go on tiktok and deathscroll through unrealistic 2 dimensional relationships

Both are unrealistic to expect in people, but they have somehow become the standard instead of the exception.

daddysgotanew · 2021-11-25T21:03:33+00:00

Women need to stay in their lane. Thinking about “starter husbands” and trading up or ending up on The Bachelor isn’t a realistic goal for 99.98 percent of women, you need to be more realistic. You’re an average person who is going to live an average life. Accept it and you’ll be MUCH happier.

In America though your chances of staying married or not are about as accurate as a coin toss. Not a gamble I would take but to each their own

Jakes1967 · 2021-11-25T22:29:46+00:00

Broad question for everyone: What do you attribute to a successful marriage or relationship?

Married 32 years.

Love, respect, compassion, generosity, open communication and above all else; don't take crap from each other, nor give each other crap.

On day one, I showed my wife the door and how it works, just so she wouldn't accidentally be trapped in a relationship she doesn't want to be in.

relish5k · 2021-11-26T02:47:03+00:00

I would divide into to categories - innate and learned

Innate - being very attracted to them / not settling in the looks department. You want to be with someone who you can look at after 10+ years and say "daaaamn they're fine" - being best friends / partners in crime / able to have a conversation long enough to sustain a 3-course meal easily - having fun socializing together and apart - similar values / life goals

Learned - not trying to "win" arguments - everybody loses in an argument, the objective should be to resolve the conflict - being down for hanky panky whenever your partner wants it (it's like going to the gym - even if you're tired or not in the mood, you'll feel better after) - understanding that what they need may be different from what you would want if you were in their situation, and that's ok

xcheshirecatxx · 2021-11-26T04:08:29+00:00

Being compatible is the base

You need to be a team

The relationship between the 2 parents need to be important even with kids. Including the sex life, even if it will be different

My parents are still cute. And we always saw them taking care of themselves as a couple

They love each others, including their flaws.

trail22 · 2021-11-26T04:44:53+00:00

Taking responsibility for your own happiness and not assuming your marriage, family or spouse will provide it.

sunkized · 2021-11-25T09:13:41+00:00

Not talking down to each other like garbage. My parents were constantly insulting each other.

CFinCanada · 2021-11-25T11:57:16+00:00

What works for us is just being best friends who want the same things out of life and prize the same lifestyle. Which is ultimately about compatibility.

We split the rent and the bills (for example, I pay for the electricity and he pays for the insurance and we split the internet down the middle, I pay for the Crave account - it's like HBO Max for the Americans - and he pays for the Netflix account, etc.).

Every weekend we hang out with our friends. We go to stand-up comedy shows, or house parties, or whatever fun thing is happening in the city that weekend. It could be a popup outdoor rave, it could be a fall or Christmas market, it could be a street festival, it could be Pride, whatever. We will sometimes do bowling or trivia with our friends or sometimes just dinner. In "the before times" we used to quite often go to movies with them, but this has become more of a date night/solitary activity, or we'll watch movies with them over Zoom on a weeknight. We'll sometimes plan pub crawls, or a "virtual reality" or game night, or we'll go to video dance parties at a bar... it's actually hard to list all the activities we like to do with our friends, because they are so many, we're never bored on the weekends. Once a year we'll do TIFF (the Toronto international film festival) which is a rather expensive hobby.

Every year we will do something huge for our birthdays. I believe in giving an experience rather than a material item so we'll typically leave town and go to another city, past years we've gone to NYC, Halifax, Boston, and one year I took him on a week-long trip to Cuba for his birthday.

So we really enjoy our lifestyle and have a lot of fun together. We both want to be active like this and remain in the city close to downtown, we love our community and agree that we want to stay here together. Neither one of us particularly wants kids, so we agree on that as well.

We also both prioritize just being present, being invested in how the other's day went, if one of us needs a massage or backrub the other will give it. I'd say gratitude is a huge part of our dynamic. We both make an effort to just say thank you to each other every day, just recognizing all the big and small ways that the other person shows up for us and helps us out. I love you and thank you are two things we say to each other a lot, the former we say several times a day. And while we've had periods of more and less sex, we never have periods that are light on cuddling and physical affection. That's always huge for us, I think it's our love language.

We also don't fight too often, I'd say very rarely, sometimes we'll bicker a little bit and if I'm hangry or in a bad mood, sometimes I'll whine, but then he just makes fun of me for being whiny and I'll agree and eat something. He's very chill and doesn't have much of a temper so I don't either. I find I'm very responsive in a relationship and tend to mirror the other person's emotional tendencies, in the past when I dated guys who fly off the handle when they got upset, I would too and it would just devolve really badly. With someone who is chill and doesn't let the little things get under his skin, I have become much more the same.

Fraptrizzel · 2021-11-25T06:26:29+00:00

A successful relationship in my opinion is one in which you are financially stable, have an amazing healthy sex life and both parties pull their weight around the house. Done.

omegajelly200 · 2021-11-25T06:46:24+00:00

The way I see if a marriage/relationship is successful is to see how couples act in the very worst of times.

Say the boyfriend gets cancer. Does the girlfriend stay by his side at all times, hold his hand, comfort him to his dying days, or until he manages to be treated/cured? Or did she decide oh, she doesn't love him anymore and breaks up with him?

It's easy to say you love someone at the best of times, but love isn't about having all the reasons to stay together, it's about staying together when you have all the reasons not to.

JacobMoogberg69 · 2021-11-25T07:38:07+00:00

Always keep dating each other and constantly remind yourself that your SO has competition from others. When they stop caring about their competition is when the relationship is dead.

Insidious-Sid · 2021-11-25T16:40:20+00:00

Being able to act like you're not insanely miserable or at least moderately disappointed in front of friends and family?

Liberal_On_Guns · 2021-11-25T16:45:22+00:00

I attribute my success to 4 primary things:

Shared values
Maintaining frame
Consistent personal improvement
Setting standards in the very beginning about "letting ourselves go." I made it very clear that I'm not getting fat, and if she did, I wouldn't have sex with her. She has no problem with this standard, and the only reason a woman would have a problem with it is if she's banking on you accepting her getting lazy

hydrogen_sulfate · 2021-11-25T07:42:42+00:00

Good looks and mutual physical attraction. its how it is unfortunately.

MeGurlAHappy · 2021-11-25T07:29:09+00:00

They don't. Won't stop them from virtue signalling and lying about it though.

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flapperfemmefatale · 2021-11-25T07:05:54+00:00

Respect and a foundation on something other than sex.

dbz19 · 2021-11-25T14:49:03+00:00

Genuine love, putting each others wants and needs ahead of your own.

Cheap-Pound7001 · 2021-11-25T22:26:45+00:00

Not being selfish assholes.

IcarusKiki · 2021-11-25T23:29:48+00:00

similar senses of humor

upalse · 2021-11-26T11:23:59+00:00

No preceding bitterness.

Dagenius1 · 2021-11-26T15:43:49+00:00

I believe it starts with putting the other person first. Ideally if you put her first and she puts you first, you’re going to both treat each other great.

You have to have some, but not all, similar Goals and values. You have to be on similar pages about some of the biggies..religion..kids..family…general money beliefs

Respect..you have to respect your partner as both your partner and as a human. Understand that when you disrespect them you disrespect your relationship.

You have to laugh and have fun together regularly. Can’t be every day but if it’s been a serious couple of days due to work and life stuff, we will make sure to have some silly shenanigans soon after.

You can never ever involve someone else in your relationship. There should never be a person that’s romantically close enough to threaten your spouse.

Be a partner in all things. One cooks, one cleans up after. One does the laundry, one mops the kitchen or whatever. Doesn’t even have to be 50/50 but your partner should never feel alone in this

Good luck guys!

SaBahRub · 2021-11-26T21:09:54+00:00

Not being a selfish ass

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-11-25T05:36:47+00:00

For those of you who are married, are widowed(condolences) or just prefer to have a relationship without the legal mumbo jumbo

Married but not legally but we've only been together for just under two years so maybe I'm not the one to answer this question lol

what do you attribute to your lasting relationship?

Honesty, honesty with self, actually liking each other not just loving each other, being a compliment to each other yin and yang kind of deal, the fact that our values and ideals match up a good percentage of the way, sexual chemistry was off the charts from the beginning, and the fact that we genuinely do care about each other's happiness.

And who knows we might be done next week we might be together for the rest of our lives but so far that's been a big part of the secret

unfknblvbe · 2021-11-25T05:34:30+00:00

Love respect, and copious amounts of vigorous love making

michael1962-01 · 2021-11-25T08:11:46+00:00

Me. I am very special.

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-11-25T10:35:37+00:00

Knowing yourself/what you want and a willingness to work with others.

Title	Broad question for everyone: What do you attribute to a successful marriage or relationship?
Author	OneAngryBlutbad
Upvotes	15
Comments	97
Date	November 25, 2021 5:24 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/r1ox23/broad_question_for_everyone_what_do_you_attribute/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/broad-question-for-everyone-what-do-you-attribute.1086657 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086657

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