Can "intentionally settling" ever work in anyone's favour?

bilged · 2022-05-15T12:54:26+00:00

Everybody settles in all aspects of life with every decision they make. It's about having priorities and settling in such a way to maximize the total package. With dating and relationships are you just looking for arm candy? A lifelong companion? Regular sex? Someone with similar values for child-rearing? Someone who will contribute financially? Etc, etc etc. Refusing to compromise on anything will mean staying single as no person can be everything to anyone.

The same is true for jobs, where you chose to live, the fucking cereal you buy and everything else.

Lysa_Bell · 2022-05-15T07:54:15+00:00

Can this ever turn out good?

Depends what you mean by "good". Good is very subjective. For some people all that matters is that they get sex regularly and that means good.

You have to define what "good" is.

People redefining their own expectations of good constantly. And that's not necessary an excuse like the whole mature thing as you state.

Assume you just come out of a toxic relationship with a very good looking person. You might adjust what your good means then. Maybe you shift your priority. Maybe you start to prioritize kindness more over the objective attractiveness.

When girls grow up they want the prince of their dreams come on a horse and safe them from a evil witch. That's childhood fantasy of good.

Over the course of your life your expectations and reality will constantly change and adjust. Is it really settling if you just change? Change is inevitable.

majani · 2022-05-15T12:46:54+00:00

Most people settle. Hypergamy and polygamy are fantasies that very few actually get to live out. Assortative mating is the reality. What remains is the reaction to said settling. How many people stay positive about it and how many people get down in the dumps about it? That is the real research red pillers should seek

Spiritual-Ad-271 · 2022-05-15T15:03:19+00:00

I have rarely met anyone who specifically told themselves consciously, "This relationship/job/house is as good as I'll ever get even though it isn't what I really want, so I'm just going to settle for it." I think even when we have unspoken reservations about something or someone, we generally operate from a level of cognitive dissonance that allows us to believe it's what we really want at that time.

Even if the person we're dating is largely beneficial to us in a primarily financial capacity, or simply to boost our ego, in the initial pair bonding attachment phase, I think people really do convince themselves largely that it is something they want.

It's usually only after the fact, when we've built a life and a routine for ourselves, that we tend to stop and look at our lives and question if we've settled for something we didn't really want. When we sense our jobs are not fulfilling, our partners are not the exciting, sensitive lovers we hoped for, the house with the bad plumbing is not the dream home we imagined, then we begin to have feelings that we're trapped in life and maybe we settled for something that was less than ideal.

The key to remedying this existential ennui, I think, is to be really honest with ourselves from the start before making decisions or pursuing specific paths. That future version of ourselves we'd like to bring into the world, does this specific relationship help or hinder our ability to become that person we imagine ourselves capable of being? And what do I really want/need from a relationship at this time in my life in order to further that future version of myself?

The other crucial aspect is to approach relationships with a realistic mindset. To not expect or need our partners to be more than what they're capable of. If we expect our partners to be incredible lovers, best friends, spiritual advisors, and financial support systems, we will always feel as though we settled at some point, because it will become clear they are not and never can be all those things.

Many people of previous generations who claim to have had wonderful marriages had much different expectations about what they contributed to the relationship. It was not merely about survival, but often realistically managed expectations.

Unfortunately, social media and current mindsets in the West contribute to the sense that there's always something or someone better out there and you deserve to experience it. As long as we continue to be influenced by this way of thinking, the question of, "Have I settled for something I didn't really want?" will always be lurking in the back of our minds.

gofigure62 · 2022-05-15T16:14:05+00:00

It depends on how low someone is settling. There's a difference between compromising on little things that isn't going to reduce one's happiness or quality of life, and compromising to the degree that it negatively impacts your mental health and quality of life.

Relationships can be difficult even when people find their most compatible matches. So It doesn't make much sense to settle regarding important factors that are going to make someone absolutely miserable in the long run.

For example: there's a difference between a neat freak settling for someone who is a little cluttered vs. settling for someone who is a hoarder. If living in a clean home is extremely important to someone, then it's easier and more reasonable to deal with someone who leaves their mail sitting on a table for a few days, vs. dealing with someone who keeps every piece of mail and never throws it away.

At the end of the day people should be getting SOMETHING positive out of a relationship. Relationships should add to the quality of life that someone already has. If settling for someone is going to reduce someone's happiness or quality of life that they've already made for themselves, then there is no reason to be with that person.

Spiritual_Age_4992 · 2022-05-15T07:50:53+00:00

It's turned out good so far hasn't it?

We're here aren't we?

Most of our ancestors weren't millionaire supermodels. They were dirt poor peasants who worked on the farm.

It may be dishonest and shitty, but don't forget what really matters to us is spreading genes not "true love."

Cupcakelover1985 · 2022-05-15T10:34:32+00:00

Depends on what you consider good. If it’s just the bare minimum of staying loyal for the duration of the relationship and treating their partner at least semi-decently then sure. However the partner that’s less/not attracted won’t ever return their partners feelings to the same degree. They may end up feeling unsatisfied in the relationship and if this seeps out it will cause bitterness and resentment in both partners.

UsedCap6 · 2022-05-15T11:36:37+00:00

Habil13 · 2022-05-15T12:36:21+00:00

There is a difference between compromising on the ideal, and flat out settling. The latter is worse than dying alone in my opinion.

JediAHoles · 2022-05-15T13:05:03+00:00

No, it can only lead to disappointment, regret, and self-loathing

fruitycoolwhip · 2022-05-15T13:11:19+00:00

It can, and it often does

Think about situations where a financially unstable person is suddenly able to live in a nice house with nice food and a nice car and have extra money left over

Sometimes they even have sex with people they’re more attracted to on the side, while reaping all those other benefits from the person they settled for.

And then if a divorce happens, they get to keep half of the stuff and maybe even get alimony payments

sarkington · 2022-05-15T14:55:36+00:00

What do you think arranged marriages are?

2022-05-15T16:23:47+00:00

Whenever I tried to settle for someone I did not find attractive, it was a disaster and I had to break his heart. Don't do this, no one benefits.

ruboyuri · 2022-05-15T16:26:53+00:00

If you take mature responsibility for it, of course

Notsonewguy7 · 2022-05-16T00:53:29+00:00

Wide-Illustrator2906 · 2022-05-16T02:31:14+00:00

I don't believe so. There will always be resentment from the person or persons who settled. When someone truly doesn't desire or love you eventually it will show. Never settle.

Settling is the reason the divorce rate is 50%. Settling is the reason women file for divorce 80% of time. Settling is the reason there are so many broken homes and single mother led households.

My parents have been married for over 30 years and are still affectionate and loving with each other after all these years. They still hold hands and kiss every time they leave one another. That's what I know and want for myself.

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-05-15T08:20:14+00:00

This post feeds into the point why a good number of men hate women having choices or equality. Women having choices, and equality means women don't have to pick anybody they don't want. There is no forced obligated arrangements. Which is disappointing 😞 for some rando dudes .

When your objective in life is more than mere survival ,and you can actually plan your path , obtain , following through with life goals . Which leads to success . Someone's else's wallet doesn't fancy you like it did when people were merely trying to survive in life like our ancestors, settling like they did generations pervious to us. For financial survival always trying to better up the financial stability by each generation. When you take financial survival off the table, it causes for more to be brought to the table or not to be bothered at all .

No-Priority7869 · 2022-05-15T14:45:35+00:00

It works out for women to get babies and resources to take care of them. Once they start having kids that’s all men are good for to them.

It never works out for men because our self esteem while in relationships is tied to how desirable our partners are.

midwesternMD · 2022-05-15T14:58:07+00:00

Settling- truly settling- I think leads to resentment that will erode any relationship over time. To your point, I don’t think settling should be encouraged.

But I do think that there’s something to be said for women generally having overinflated expectations. I mean, think about it. If every time you log into a darting app, you get hundreds of men showering you with compliments/attention, of course you should think you’re hot shit. And if all the people you follow on social media look like they’re living amazing lives, of course you’ll think that such a lifestyle is readily obtainable.

But those phenomena aren’t reflective of reality.

Men carpet bomb lots of women on dating apps with attention because it is a relatively effective means of getting laid: cast a wide net. A lot of men just blindly swipe right until they max out for a day, then come back and unmatch whoever they don’t like.

Similarly, social media is full of people taking the snapshots of the highlights of their year. All you get to see is the awesome 20k vacation they spent 5yrs saving for, or something similar. But if you see enough of it, it’s very easy to think that this is the norm. But the reality is that the average American household can’t afford an Instagram lifestyle. Maybe the top ~5% could afford it once/yr, and the top ~1% could afford it once/month. But that’s definitely not the norm.

But if people begin to recognize these phenomena for what they are, they might be able to recalibrate their sense of normalcy to reflect reality. Is that necessarily settling?

I thought I’d be a billionaire genius/philanthropist/playboy when I was a kid. Now I’m just an MD. Did I settle? Fuck no. I realized that there’s a big difference between dreams and reality, and I know that my reality is pretty freaking awesome in a lot of ways, and mildly shitty in a lot of other ways. But I’m happy with it.

md8716 · 2022-05-15T16:30:39+00:00

Everyone ends up either settling, being settled for, or dying alone. The problem I see is that so many women just say they'd rather die alone than settle is that they seem to truly have no idea how awful dying alone can be.

Everyone seems to think they can work forever. The reality is, most of us will have a chronic health condition that takes us out of the workforce earlier than expected. Unless you've already been maxing out retirement for 20+ years, you will take a severe hit.

Like, do you ever see the quality of life for older people who end up alone living on the edge of poverty? It's fucking terrible. And it can be mentally debilitating knowing you're alone in the world and nobody cares if you're alive or dead. Imagine having to live like that for 20, 30, 40+ years.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-05-15T13:11:25+00:00

For most people, life and life experiences change their perspective and adjust their understanding of what really matters to them. That’s why you don’t have a bunch of dudes in their 20s still trying to be pirates and cowboys like little kids. It’s why once dudes actually get a GF and get laid once or twice they stopped thinking they gotta get the highest N-count of anyone. And it’s why most people are cool with a middle class life with a middle class wife and a vacation to Disney instead of jet setting to Paris with three Russian models on their private plane.

AutoModerator · 2022-05-15T07:37:59+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

DXBrigade · 2022-05-15T11:54:04+00:00

For some people, it's better than dying alone. I think it's important fpr people to be real about their options.

LarryLooxmax · 2022-05-15T19:28:45+00:00

It depends how successful you are in ultimately being satisfied with your partner. After you grow to actually love them you stop caring if that chick over there is hotter or likes the same shit you do or is more tradcon cottage cored.

hearyoume14 · 2022-05-15T22:39:39+00:00

I think the multiple definition of settl(e/ing) is a fault here. I use settle (down) with the definition of “to take up an ordered or stable life” (Merriam-Webster online dictionary). For me,in general,it has a positive or at least neutral connotation.

Granted most of the ltr/marriages I’ve seen have been between people who are around average for the demographics of the area. The highest population for the city/town is less than half a million people and the lowest is under 8,000 people. Most are blue collar workers,teachers,some sort of medical staff including family doctors or middle management of some kind.

creekcrystall · 2022-05-17T22:39:49+00:00

No. If most people could wave a magic wand and get the person they truly desired, they would. There’s a reason why people (men) trade in their wives or girlfriends once once they become richer. Not that that’s much of my business but that’s an excellent example there of why settling never works.

Title	Can "intentionally settling" ever work in anyone's favour?
Author	wtffellification
Upvotes	21
Comments	49
Date	May 15, 2022 7:37 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/uq0yja/can_intentionally_settling_ever_work_in_anyones/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/can-intentionally-settling-ever-work-in-anyones.1114166 https://theredarchive.com/post/1114166

Comments