How often do you see couples where one partner infantilizes the other? Is it common, or rare? Do you see one gender doing it more than the other?

Clean-Luck6428 · 2025-07-08T20:16:50+00:00

It’s usually mutual and common.

I call it the weaponized incompetence/hysteria exchange

The man exchanges his weaponized incompetence in for having the right to shame his partner for being hysterical.

So even though the husband is clueless when it comes to boiling pasta, the husband gets to feel like the adult by shaming his partner for being more unhinged. And sadly a lot of women are fine with this arrangement as many like to have the right to have emotional outbursts without being held accountable for it because their husband WANTS her to be the “crazy” one

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-07-08T22:15:45+00:00

I’d say it’s quite common, sometimes going both ways in the same relationship. Usually it’s women being treated as over-emotional/sensitive/hysterical, and men as incompetent/dense/forgetful. Sometimes people lean into these roles for their own benefit, sometimes they’re placed on them by a partner in order to dismiss them.

leosandlattes · 2025-07-08T20:13:13+00:00

I see both men and women do this, sometimes even in the same relationship/marriage.

I am more compromising and easy going so I defer to my bf a lot. The reality is that we would come to the same or similar decision anyway and it's just easier to go along with the things he feels very strongly about. Sometimes I also like pretending like I'm a dummy, and he plays along. Like I'll go "Oh no, I forgot how to use the air compressor OwO, can u fill up my tires for me?" and he does it lol. I do this with opening jars, etc.

But I do most of our household management. I remind him when his mom's birthday is coming up, when he needs to refill his meds, to schedule his annual physcial exam or 6mo dental visit. When he invites his friends over, I am the one who makes sure we have enough food and snacks or whatever. None of this bothers us, and we're very comfortable with the dynamic.

Zabadoodude · 2025-07-08T23:11:26+00:00

I'm not sure if I would call it infantilising, but in most relationships each partner will have areas they will take the lead in and the other partner will take a subservient role.

attendquoi · 2025-07-08T20:19:56+00:00

I've seen it with boomers, not so much with any of the younger generations.

throwaway73737828 · 2025-07-08T20:27:51+00:00

A lot, its usually men thats doing it more than women. Thats what I saw.

CatallaxyRanch · 2025-07-08T20:48:51+00:00

One partner has to routinely try and calm the other partner down, because they have mood swings, or start panicking.

I see men doing this for women more than the reverse.

One partner is not the intellectual equal of the other partner, and dumbs things down for them.

I don't see this often at all in either direction, tbh

One partner tries to avoid saying things which might upset the other's ego, because it might start a fight.

I see women doing this for men more than the reverse.

One partner is fine with the other seldom thinking for themself and deferring to them for opinions and decisions.

I'm having trouble parsing this sentence but I guess you're saying one partner is more the decision-maker and the other is more deferential. I see this in pretty equal amounts I think.

One partner has to constantly remind the other of things they are neglecting to take care of.

I see women doing this for men more than the reverse.

I don't really agree with framing things like this as "infantilization," but for the purposes of this convo I guess I would say that I see men and women infantilizing one another at pretty similar rates, just in different ways.

Makuta_Servaela · 2025-07-08T22:15:04+00:00

I don't know a woman who hasn't at some pointed vented to me about how much she has to clean up after her partner, remind him to do his daily healthcare tasks like regular bathing and eating appropriately, schedule his doctors' appointments for him, etc.

Calming down mood swings and mentally shutting down to placate an emotional partner seems more gender neutral, from what I've seen.

AutoModerator · 2025-07-08T19:25:00+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Reasonable_Mouse789 · 2025-07-08T20:25:05+00:00

As someone who isn’t a meathead, this is how women act towards me about social skills. If I don’t put my foot in my mouth for a whole conversation, I’ll be told “good job” afterwards.

Just to reply to your examples:

I don’t have anger issues, and I don’t get angry when drunk, so I’ve never had issues like a lot of boomers do
intellectual equality is tough. Being top 1% on paper is one thing, but it mostly manifests in harmless differences. I can’t take women who like horoscopes seriously, but then, neither can most people. I’m almost always the “planner” in a relationship, especially for things women don’t care about (e.g. I know what a credit score is, how to maintain a good one, how that relates to housing, etc.). My intelligence doesn’t manifest in brilliant breakthroughs in every area of life. I just sometimes have to call out dumb behavior in maybe 1/10 of decisions average people make. During college, I could help women study, which got me laid a couple times (not sure how much they were actually interested in studying, though)
most women don’t have a big enough ego to matter. I have ego issues probably, but try to reel it in. I have “I can never be wrong” syndrome. The worst cases of this are where I think I’m right because of something I consider to be evidence, but don’t have the social skills to phrase what I’m talking about in a way that would make the other person agree.
yeah, women tend to want me to make decisions. If someone is doing research on what house, stock/retirement funds, or car to buy, it’s probably me. It is what it is.
I think everyone falls into ruts, or has their weaknesses. Sometimes I need to be reminded to take a shower. Sometimes I need to remind other people to take a shower. Stress makes most people shut down pretty hard, and it’s useful to remember to push people into taking care of themselves, eating well, sleeping on time, doing their taxes early, etc.

KayRay1994 · 2025-07-08T20:30:08+00:00

The first three feel like normal couple stuff - couples basically helping the other through their own weaknesses. They’re neither a good or and thing and hardly infantilizing.

As for the last two - both are in some form infantilizing, but the fourth one gets into controlling territory and that relation can get abusive very quickly (frankly even if it doesn’t, it’s always a very unhealthy relationship - like there is deferring to your partner in something they’re more versed at, which is fine and normal, but leaning on your partner for everything and not thinking for yourself creates an unhealthy dynamic that makes you very easy to abuse and be taken advantage of), and the last one gets into a space of either enabling laziness or weaponized incompetence, so while not as bad as the fourth, def not a place where you want a relationship to be

S0yslut · 2025-07-08T21:32:12+00:00

I rarely see relationships where this so called “infantilizing” doesn’t go both ways. Usually when someone complains about doing too much, they’re overlooking what the other person handles in return.

For example: I tend to take charge of our meals and home. My husband’s not great at meal planning or cooking. I was asleep while he made spaghetti, and I literally woke up thinking he was taking a massive shit. Neither of us wants him cooking us sewage spaghetti.

On the flip side he manages our investments. He’s strategic and disciplined, while I invest emotionally and lose money. Neither of us wants me touching the portfolio. We each have our strengths. That’s not infantilizing, it’s division of labor.

torytho · 2025-07-09T00:01:34+00:00

It sounds like what you're describing is one partner has serious, untreated mental trauma, issues, or even a neurodivergent disability. I don't think I would call it "infantilizing" or necessarily even judge it as negative, but it sounds like they'd both benefit from therapy.

Routine-Present-3676 · 2025-07-09T03:05:28+00:00

i agree with most but these two are mostly reasonable:

One partner is not the intellectual equal of the other partner, and dumbs things down for them.

this is the kind thing to do for people you love. you meet people where they're at, not demand they perform beyond their capability.

One partner tries to avoid saying things which might upset the other's ego, because it might start a fight.

absolutely applies to terminal people pleasers but otherwise this is just strategically picking your battles

mrcs84usn · 2025-07-09T05:42:35+00:00

Here is a good excerpt (about 5 minutes) discussing the Devouring Mother archetype.

Schleudergang1400 · 2025-07-09T07:43:22+00:00

How is that infantilization? The first is a strong difference in neuroticism, a normal personality dimension. The second is a strong difference in intellect. The third is a strong difference in self-esteem. The fourth is a strong difference in dominance/assertiveness. The fifth is a strong difference in conscientiousness, another of the 5 big personality dimensions.

What you listed are just pairings of people who have large gaps in certain personality traits or dimensions. No infantilization happening. People are just acting within their personalities' framework.

Infantilization in relationships occurs when one partner treats the other as if they are incapable, naive, or dependent, akin to a child, rather than as an autonomous adult.

I guess it's similar to the difference between explaining an mansplaining.

ColbyXXXX · 2025-07-10T18:36:50+00:00

That first one hit me so hard because I realized I did that with most of the women I dated. Just shrinking myself because of their mood swings.

harmonica2 · 2025-07-08T21:16:21+00:00

I'm 41 and my gf is 25 and I don't infantilize her at all, but some people I say I treat her like too much of an adult for her age.

So I guess its damned if you do dawned if you don't.

ConsistentPieGuy · 2025-07-09T02:49:10+00:00

Very common.

It's called chivalry and exclusive to grown ass women being treated like fragile 5 year olds with no brain. Women love to infantilize themselves, it's just fucking sickening.

Comments