Tips to avoid a sexless relationship/marriage

Mrs_Drgree · 2023-01-05T12:43:03+00:00

No advice threads

Gravel_Roads · 2023-01-05T10:06:05+00:00

You're trying to approach a very complicated inter-dynamic that requires both members to be fluid and open to one another as though there were some sort of universal algorithm.

find a “partner” who lusts after you”, yet for the vast majority of us who are painfully average-looking, it’s unattainable

Bro, married couples don't just sit passively across from each other at the table staring and waiting for the mere sight of each other to make sex spontaneously happen. Sex only takes about 20 minutes - for the other 99.99% of the day, you're doing other things together like talking, cleaning, cooking/eating, snuggling, watching TV, sharing music and art and ideally you're touching each other constantly.

You don't need a therapist. You just have to actually foster a relationship where both members like each other, both inside and outside of the bedroom. When two people like each other, they like toughing each other and giving each other pleasure.

The primary killer for sex in LTR's seem to come mainly from sex becoming "routine". As in... you stop having sex because it's fun and start making sex "proof" that your partner loves you. It makes sex more of a performative chore, which kills the desire to do it for fun.

Having sex as a routine also decreases the fun you have doing it. It's literally impossible to do the exact same thing over and over again and expect it to give you the same level of pleasure each time. You gotta mix it up and try different things, at different times.

And don't think of lulls in your sex life as "failure" - that's when you should be recharging!

(FWI: This post will probably be removed because it's an "advice" post and if it does, don't take it personally - you'd probably get better answers from an actual dating-advice sub.)

Moral_Conundrums · 2023-01-05T08:24:37+00:00

If your partners response when you express to them that you are missing something like sex in your relationship is to be disinterested in solving the problem or worse looking down on you for it, then that relationship is probably a lost cause.

MarBitt · 2023-01-05T09:37:26+00:00

Build a solid, honest relationship where there is good communication so that things go smoothly. This will significantly reduce the risk of protracted misunderstandings and unresolved grievances.
Always have a future together, something achievable within a few years, you both work towards, you both want, and that connects you. This will greatly reduce the risk of break up or divorce.
After some time, make a significant change or experience in your lives that will throw you out of your comfort zone and force you to rely on each other, give you an adrenaline rush or once again admire those qualities that impress you in the other. This will greatly reduce the risk of a killing stereotype. It is also better to find other ways to fill in the missing stimuli and excitement than in a toxic way, such as inciting arguments or infidelities, because that can help, but it is too risky and hurtful.

Saelaird · 2023-01-05T10:06:45+00:00

Stay single. Girlfriends are better than wives.

Don't ever live together.

Lysa_Bell · 2023-01-05T10:25:01+00:00

Be with someone that enjoy sex in general. Be with someone that enjoys sex for themselves and not just to please someone else. Be with someone you can compete with to make it the best sex for the other and keep getting better.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-01-05T10:27:14+00:00

Find a partner who lusts after you. (And please, stop picking people who you know have lower libidos then complaining their libidos are lower.) How you look is only one part of lust, and people have different tastes in that regard. As you get to know them, how you act is more important. How compatible you are in the bedroom, how much you care about their pleasure, so they actually look forward to it. The quality of your non-sexual relationship is the biggest determiner of the quality of your sexual one. That therapist would be right, that you need to focus on your partner first before sex, and this will help them actually want to have sex with someone who has shown they give a shit about them.

propyl21 · 2023-01-05T11:04:02+00:00

You can easily tell how young this community is by the responses and the logic on show - or lack thereof.

How about involving that word which everyone runs away from?... LOVE.

If you love your partner and vice versa, the sex is always going to be next level. But it seems like everyone thinks from the red pill perspective and therefore puts themselves in a tough spot. Ah well. Maybe one day these young whippersnappers might wise up.

WilliamWyattD · 2023-01-05T11:40:11+00:00

If you want to prioritize carnal lust, there are things you can do. You can prioritize your fitness and appearance, including style and how you dress. You can keep some mystery between the two of you. Don't spend all your time together. Dress nicely when at home, and don't show your naked body until it is sexy time. Don't get used to each other's nude bodies. You can sleep in different rooms. Not pee with the door open or share a bathroom at the same time.

Also, while one's own level of attractiveness does not change one's ability to objectively rank and rate the attractiveness of others, it does change how subjectively attracted we can be to them. A female 5 and female 9 both know that a male 7 is a 7. But the 5 will let herself be much more attracted to him than the 9.

So if you are a man, take advantage of your more flexible attraction floor. Screen for higher libido and other important qualities, and go down in appearance. If you get the highest mate value woman you can get, by conventional metrics, you are going to be at the edge of her hypergamous requirements. But if you change your metrics so that you pick a lower mate value woman who is high value to YOU, and that you can still be attracted to, the chances of her remaining desirous of you are much better.

Academic_Snow_7680 · 2023-01-05T11:49:08+00:00

When she has to act like your mommy, taking care of your laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. that is a sure recipe that you will have bad sex down the road.

Nothing is as unattractive as a man that you have to mother and a man that expects you to mother him. It is mentally and physically revolting.

Receiving care is one thing, acting entitled and overstepping the normal line of mutual care is a recipe for a dead bedroom. Ask any woman who has had a bad bedroom, they cite a burning sense of injustice and physical revulsion.

KirthWGersen · 2023-01-05T08:21:28+00:00

The best way to avoid a sexless relationship is not to live together and never promise to be monogamous.

If you do either of those things, your sex life will almost certainly decline. Comfort and familiarity are passion-killers. It would be nice if they weren't, but in practice they are.

No-Rough-7390 · 2023-01-05T11:47:33+00:00

I think, as a guy, a lot of this stuff can be mitigated early on in relationships. Just a few thoughts:

1) hit the gym and lift weights. Women statistically find very few men attractive, so at the very least you can build up your body which has many benefits. The honeymoon phase can obfuscate her actual attraction towards you due to the novelty effect. If your body is on point, you can override some of that.

2) avoid any woman who on dates says she doesn’t like sex, got the fun out of her system, etc. That’s a tell. Also, be sure to caveat anytime she says “I don’t do that…” and add “with you”. If you are fighting an uphill battle from day one, you’re gonna lose.

3) communicate early on you will not be in a sexless relationship at any stage of your life barring a serious health issue and let them figure out what that means. A woman who is into you will agree as though it’s common sense. A woman who doesn’t see you as very attractive will argue about it. Another tell.

4) fuck her every time as though it’s the last one you have in you. Tends to do the job of “keeping things fresh” if she’s exhausted after each time. You can obviously explore kinks and stuff if you want/need to, but it’s not absolutely necessary.

2023-01-05T12:02:37+00:00

I’m a guy. So this is the lens I’m coming in with.

See, ive found that the men complaining about their sexless relationship or marriage usually have have two scenarios.

While in the relationship and leading up to the marriage, she never showed that much interest. Even if you’re autistic, you can tell when someone isn’t that into the sex with you. He assumes that by giving her a ring, it will make a huge difference and she’ll want to start fucking him but it’s even less after the honeymoon. What’s crazier is that he’s marrying her after like 2 or 3 years together. Why? But still, you had your trial run before you got married, the free trial wasn’t working so why the hell did you subscribe? It will not get better.
In the beginning the relationship had lots and lots of sex, Then the dude becomes much much more unattractive after being in a relationship or getting married. He doesn’t keep up on his fitness, his grooming routines, he gets fat, he stops putting effort into his style, clothing, etc. in other words, he becomes less attractive looking. Sorry, but sex really is physical, and there needs to be physical attractiveness. Sometimes gf/wife goggles can’t distort it anymore, so you need to keep up on what you had in the beginning. A relationship is not an opportunity to take a break. In every relationship I have had, I kept up on my appearance like I did prior.

I’m short, I’m maybe only slightly above average looking, yet in all of my relationships my exes have been very attracted to me based on their actions. They initiated more or as much as I do, they never say no to trying something or have ever said they don’t want to do something they did with their ex, did everything they could to please me, etc. And I still communicated with them as well, opened myself up emotionally and mentally, and the attraction never went away. You can figure out how your relationship will go in terms of sex within the first few dates.

So, I guess my advice is:

First and foremost, vet. Vet, vet, vet. See how they react towards you, don’t just trust their words, follow their actions. Do they show their attraction. Do they ever withhold sex from you by saying “you didn’t do this, so no sex tonight” (major red flag btw). See how often you are rejected. I mean really go through the relationship and analyze what you’re in and see if you are happy. If you’re not happy, then talk about your unhappiness. If she becomes less attracted to you, or gives you shit for it, or tells you “nothing is wrong” or gives a BS excuse why she can’t fulfill your needs or not willing to even explore a solution, pack it in, it’s done, move on. Being alone is way better than being in a crappy relationship where your needs aren’t met. This fear of not bringing it up is something that needs to go away. And for God’s sake don’t marry her in like 2 years of being together. I see this way too often, be in a relationship with her and move in together before even considering engagement. No one keeps up the mask for that long, if she is really into you she won’t mind waiting. If she begins pushing for engagement and you’re not ready do not do it. I had a friend who was with his now wife for 8 years before they even were engaged and spent another 2 planning their wedding.

Second, keep up the maintenance on your physical appearance or increase it if possible. If you were fit, well groomed, dressed well, then keep doing it even when you’ve entered the relationship. This is not a break, you should continue the upkeep and not use “well I got someone now so I don’t need to do it” as an excuse to miss your workouts. One or two a week is fine, but you should still be able to find an hour or two a day. Hell, improve it if you can. If you were overweight when you met, then start working out and lose weight. If you had acne, start a skincare routine. If there’s room for improvement, start taking up that space.

Usual-Leopard-9102 · 2023-01-05T08:26:43+00:00

I guess its redpill time....

If you are not in the at least top 20% ( i guess its much lower) you wont have a good sex life. No they wont lust after you. No you cant chance it. It will forever be a transaction with money, time etc.

The big ugly women? She will do it with you but she wont lust after you it will be a "i cant get something better".

Oh and of course its the same for women too. If you are not a slim fit young women no chance. It will be a 1/1000 chance to have someone that realy lust after you and is not like "i guess there is nothing better for me".

Ohhhhhhhh i guess there is ONE solution beeing extremly specific kinky and find someone for it. Fetish stuff where it doesnt matter who he/she looks. But if you dont realy like it no way.

Sorry but thats the truth

02012 · 2023-01-05T08:16:37+00:00

yet for the vast majority of us who are painfully average-looking, it’s unattainable

It is attainable. Like if you are a man, overwhelming majority of women are not going to find you physically attractive no matter what, but you can still be attractive to some. The key is in actually observing what women like, and trying to do/be that. Not what they say they like, and certainly not what men say women like. Social media is a great tool for that, lets you see what women actually thirst over.

700horses · 2023-01-05T08:54:26+00:00

Lick her asshole. Don’t ask permission, just do it.

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TheRedPillRipper · 2023-01-05T08:33:59+00:00

what’s the real working solution?

I’ve been through it twice with my current partner, and once with my ex. First time was understandably after childbirth. I was too young though, to address it effectively. With my now wife, it was again after the childbirth. I had however learned from my mistakes.

The key is communication. I’d been to counselling, so had solid tools to help. My partner too is intelligent. Especially emotionally. So understood how we could fix it. It wasn’t quick. Thankfully I’m extremely patient, which is such a valuable skill. The second time was recently, after our 12 month old was born. Only now, my partner is starting to ‘feel’ like herself again. Communication, again pivotal.

Ultimately the basis of a solid relationship, after trust, is communication. Mastering those two facets, is a solid foundation.

Godspeed and good luck!

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-01-05T10:06:54+00:00

Communication. This is the key. Lust disappears after about 6 months - 2 years. That's natural. If your relationship is strong and healthy, that's the most important part. Even people with chronic health issues can have a reasonable sex life if it's adjustable. But if your partner doesn't know, or want to know that things aren't ok then...they aren't. And your sex life tells it most of all.

Latter-Impression-26 · 2023-01-05T10:09:35+00:00

Focus on what your partner finds sexy and pleasurable rather than what you do

LovesGettingRandomPm · 2023-01-05T10:59:33+00:00

You already know women are slow starters, they need a warm up, you can warm them up from the minute they get out of bed and then throughout the day and then when it becomes night you make sure to take your time, don't need to do this every day or on a day by day basis, but just keep your interactions exciting and playful, more physical contact and make her think about it.

If she rejects you trying to do this, I think you need a talk, maybe you're overdoing it to where it becomes annoying, it's not an easy thing.

Silver_Switch_3109 · 2023-01-05T11:00:42+00:00

Have a partner with a similar libido. Don’t be with someone who views sex as a chore. Don’t have sex everyday because sex gets boring that way. Always wait till sex starts getting boring before introducing toys, role play, bondage and sex in risky situations. Put in effort in before and after sex rather than just going at it. Stay in shape.

obviousredflag · 2023-01-05T11:28:43+00:00

There is no way to avoid sexless marriages/relationships. You personally can avoid that to a certain degree by choosing another partner, but then another person ends up with you ex in a sexless relationship. A significant amount of people lose interest in sex in long term relationships. There is no way around that. Try to not be in one of those relationships and look for the early signs.

FrivolousMood · 2023-01-05T11:45:07+00:00

Be a good partner, and make “sex” a deal breaker. Do those 2 simple things and you will never be in a DeadBedroom.

zahacker · 2023-01-05T11:59:42+00:00

Don't know about the rest of the guys but what I've found that works is just start touching her like that, grabbing tits randomly, ass, unexpected kissing, I learned of a motto from an older man: "If you want a successful marriage make her understand that she is both a human being and a sex toy at the same time. For us sex is physical for them it's emotional, that's the key."

LupeDyCazari · 2023-01-05T12:32:43+00:00

Bro, you watch too much porn. Women aren't going to get down on all fours and beg them to fuck you because you brought them a pizza.

Couples aren't 24/7 horny around each other all day, even the ones who are physically attractive. People actually have jobs and other shit to worry about.

As long as you aren't fat or ugly, which is hella easy to not be, your spouse is likely to be attracted to you, if she bothers to marry you, and you aren't beta buxxxxxxxxxxx if you are, then better passport maxxxxxx and join the passaport brosssss and marry a 10/10 thai chick(just make sure she doesn't have a dick) and enjoy living like a boss king ultra Chad.

That said, even if your wife doesn't put out.. you realize that doesn't mean you have to have a sexless life, right?

Sleep with other random chicks or hire escorts.

Title	Tips to avoid a sexless relationship/marriage
Author	fijijo
Upvotes	8
Comments	74
Date	January 5, 2023 8:01 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/103te70/tips_to_avoid_a_sexless_relationshipmarriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/tips-to-avoid-a-sexless-relationshipmarriage.1146964 https://theredarchive.com/post/1146964

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