Just broke up… why does this keep happening?

dm-me-fantasyfiction · 2024-03-15T00:15:15+00:00

Tips on how to avoid/recognize men with money issues early on?

I can finally do some good on this sub, I'm a professional accountant.

When it comes to men in their 30s, we tend to be either entering into or in the early stages of our wealth building journey. For a financially mature man, that means we have built or begun to build the base of our pyramid. Owning a home, having a year of our income in a stable investment account, having 3 months of income in a rainy-day fund, and anything else that might indicate an interest in the return of their money instead of the return on their money is an indicator of a financially mature man. He can have risky investments if he has these stable ones as well. Everyone has their casino.

A financially immature man will have little in savings and will react to entering his 30s by taking a little bit of his discretionary income and putting it towards risky investments. Think highly volatile stocks, cryptocurrencies, options, etc. These guys think they're behind on wealth building and try to "catch up" to where they think they should be by betting instead of investing. Everything they have will be in the top of their investment pyramid.

Men love talking about their investments, and if it sounds like the majority of his portfolio are high-risk, high-reward positions, then he's probably going to have money problems if he doesn't already. If he is proud to have modest but stable investments, this is probably a man who can weather a job loss or some other negative financial event.

Jobs are poor indicators of financial stability. A man with a great job might still live paycheck to paycheck because of his spending habits, while a man with a poor job might still have the discipline to save and invest wisely. A man with a lot of cash in the bank and no investments is a fool with money unless he's about to use that cash as a down payment on a home.

What indicates whether or not a man has money problems has less to do with how much money he makes than what he chooses to do with that money.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Jenneapolis · 2024-03-15T01:04:02+00:00

Simply put, a man will never see you as valuable if you are willing to pay for big things for him (I’m talking more than an occasional dinner or coffee). He reads that as you are so desperate that you will buy affection. A man should be trying to impress you, and in general would be embarrassed to ask for money. If he’s asking you, he’s not into you.

honeydewmelon01 · 2024-03-15T01:11:09+00:00

You are the problem because you have terrible vetting skills. You are aiding in helping boyfriend be academically dishonest and helping him financially.

Look up "Barbara the Builder" and that is who you are playing right now. I don't really agree with everything Shera says and watch her occasionally for pure entertainment/comedy but she often discusses "Barbara the builder" as a woman who tends to be doing well for herself but ends up in a relationship with a low achieving man who she helps "build up" only for him to possibly end up being with another woman once he has leveled himself up at her expensive and efforts.

A man that thinks you are high value and respects you would never dare ask you for money or to do his homework for him.

As harsh as it is, the only woman who pay and support a man in the way you are describing are either LVW who need to improve or are so insecure and desperate that they behave like a LVW.

throwawayfun_222 · 2024-03-15T00:44:05+00:00

Taking a peek into your post history - was this relationship long distance? From context clues it looks as if it was.

If a 'driven man' with a 'great job' was telling you the truth, why would he be asking for money at all? (especially within the first year of a courtship/relationship) In my opinion, that would be the first sign to dip out. Many women who hand over money to a man have low self esteem or think it will make the man care about them more. Well it doesn't. He just knows he can take advantage now.

Job hopping or quitting/get fired multiple times a year always send up a yellow flag to me. There's a difference between being financially secure and not liking the job while having a very big cushion to float yourself, VS quitting just because you don't like the "vibes" of the place, or the coworkers, etc then spiraling because you're out of money again. I'm suspecting if you gave him money early on, he figures you will just continue supporting him.

Based on your post history it also seems like you're doing school work for him? Setting personal boundaries is probably something you need to work on. If a friend was telling you they were sending money and doing school work for their partner who lives across the country/world what would you tell them?

In my opinion this is less about focusing on recognizing men with 'money issues' - this is your vetting process and recognizing yellow and red flags. I've dated men who make an average income and I've dated men who make 6 figures, neither category ever let me pay for things or asked for money, not once. Not sure how your relationship started out, but I wouldn't start or continue an online relationship that's long distance.

CommGeekGirl · 2024-03-15T17:58:29+00:00

This is what I wish I could have said to myself at 29:

Get on your knees and thank God another loser left while you still have the whole of your 30s.

You keep giving people the benefit of the doubt. That's all you're doing wrong. You don't have faith in your own perspective and depend on everyone else to tell you what's up. You need to trust your gut and be willing to be the crazy one in the room.

My entire family fights me on my perception of things and it took time with God and therapy to realize THEY are the ones with the strongest mental illness. I'm not afraid to stand on the "my peace is too important" island. And what's wild is better quality people started showing up in my life.

Whoever taught you to ride or die was riding in the Benz away from you with your light while you died in the gutter. Just stop it.

Your ideas, beauty, aura, character, money, and charm are being used by the people around you to level themselves up. There's a lot of dead weight and it's cutting season.

LateralThinker13 · 2024-03-15T02:05:13+00:00

Sigh. Okay, let's do this.

Just broke up… why does this keep happening? This is now the second time where I (29F) have faced the end of a struggling relationship (31M), and he owes me money at the end of it.

Once is unlucky. Twice is bad luck. Three times and it's you, not them. You act like you're unsure of the cause, but I'm pretty sure it's you - or more specifically, your man-picker.

I don’t even expect anything back at this point.

I should hope not. You never loan anything you can't afford to lose. Loaning to a BF? Should be a hard test of that man - if he pays back when and where he says he will - green flag! If not, dump him IMMEDIATELY. It won't get better. You, and your money, are simply not important enough to him. Neither is his integrity or pride.

I laugh to keep from crying about the fact that I say yes to seemingly driven men

AHA! Again, you know they're "seemingly-driven" but trust them anyways? That's on you.

with great jobs, poor management skills (I’m assuming) and still asking for money from me- someone who earns an okay wage for a single person in an expensive city.

A HVM will not ask a woman for money unless someone is going to die. It's a huge blow to a man's pride. The moment they ask - bail. Honestly.

In this case, me and my ex were together a year and ever since we met things have been very unstable for him financially.

And yet you're shocked at the situation? A YEAR of this? That's on YOU.

I think he job hopped/got fired/quit 3 times while I stayed fully employed the entire time. It reminded me of my ex of many years (too many to count) that had the same issue. Eventually we broke up because I couldn’t see myself marrying into money problems,

You saw this but ignored it early on. This relationship should have ended after months at most, not a year. Do you not value yourself, your time, your youth, and your options? Do you have low self esteem?

plus there was some cheating.

Why this isn't an instant breakup (with a BF! Not even a fiancee or husband!?!?) I can only assume comes from your low self esteem. It has to be that. There's no reason a woman worth marrying would stick with such a loser.

Both broke up with me…

If I had to guess, they both figured they'd dump you - and salvage their worthless egos - before you eventually got up the gumption to break up with THEM. Because worthless narcissistic men like to pretend they have control, and dumping a girl who's better than they are feeds that illusion.

Am I bad juju for a man’s financial health? Like am I the problem at this point? Why did this happen again?

Because you suck at picking men. And like I said, in my experience that generally comes from a woman having low self esteem. Low self-worth, low confidence. And men who are crap but who sense they can string you along for sex and money and benefits, will pick up on that and milk it until you give up on them.

After all, your crappy boundaries and low self worth aren't THEIR problem, if you want to give away your time, body, and energy to them, all consensual-like, that's on YOU, not them.

And they're not even wrong! Your attitude is that you aren't high value, and will put up with low value traits in a partner, so that's all you get.

I’m ashamed at the amount of money I’ve lost from relationships.

You should be. That's all on you.

Ladies and gents…. Tips on how to avoid/recognize men with money issues early on?

The signs are there. YOu know them, if you are honest with yourself. But that's not what you need to be working on right now. You need to be working on your self-worth, ground rules, and boundaries. Assertiveness training would help, too. And maybe let a trustworthy friend set you up, since your picker is shot.

EDIT from a comment:

Now that you’ve broken it down like this, here are some warning signs I missed early on: -frivolous shopping but he didn’t have his own apartment (lived at shared/student/staff housing - even though he graduated years ago now) -complained about not having money for necessities -had invested in bitcoin before and lost it all -constantly worried/concerned with how to get rich quick -being jealous of me/backhanded compliments about my finances because I have my own place, my own car, savings and investments

SEE? SEE!!! You DO know the signs!

Finally, maybe consider to briefly go nun-mode while doing all that. But you're 29 and your clock is probably starting to tick, so... maybe work on yourself and VET VET VET, woman.

streamconscious-ness · 2024-03-15T05:34:36+00:00

Are you sure he's not a romance scammer? Do you know how they operate?

inhaledpie4 · 2024-03-15T18:42:07+00:00

Don't let any man owe you money.honestly this goes both ways

Sweaty_Giraffe3189 · 2024-03-15T00:50:57+00:00

Vet a man during courtship by observing his actions towards you. A man who takes you out for dinner and pays for meals, buys you gifts here and there is a good sign. Basically spends money on you. I believe that men show their appreciation through actions by providing. A man who loves you spends financially on you, takes you out on dates. The kind of gifts he gives you also speaks to how much invested he is in you. I personally never paid on dates and i never did 50/50 during courtship. A woman spends so much time and money to get ready, look beautiful so i dont see why a woman shouldnt want a man to provide and pay for her. Also if youre going to have children and carry his children, you will want him to appreciate you by providing for you and your children. One way to vet for that is during courtship and observe how much he financially invests in you during courtship. I think men intrinsically want to provide financially for a woman they love and value. A man who asks you for money is not ready for a commitment, does not value you and is just using you. Never give money to a boyfriend. It would be such a turnoff for me if a guy did that before marriage. After marriage is different story because two become one and his money becomes my money and vice versa. But i think during dating how much a man loves you shows you by how much he provides for you. At the end you are the prize and he wants to win your heart :) A cheap/user personality is very difficult to hide with time. A person's true color and intentions will be revealed by their words and actions, you just need to watch and listen closely, and that takes time so be patient with yourself. :)

purplebeauty-saved · 2024-03-15T20:21:28+00:00

I think it's your vetting process more than anything. You need to ask about their financial standing before you allow yourself to catch feelings. Start asking men how many jobs have they had in the last two years. Look at his credit score. Does he have a 401k? Pension? Insurance(car,health and etc)? Disability/life insurance? Does he have expensive habits/hobbies that he can't afford but is a priority for him? Whats is his income and does it match the car he drives? Lower income+expensive car = financially impulsive. Financial health should be a factor in your decision to move further along in a relationship with a man.

Equivalent-Ad5449 · 2024-03-16T02:08:36+00:00

I find this so odd. I’ve never had a man ask me for money. Don’t give them money. Sounds like not seeing the wood for the trees with these men.

AutoModerator · 2024-03-14T23:54:12+00:00

Title: Just broke up… why does this keep happening?

Author mindyourown_biz

Full text: This is now the second time where I (29F) have faced the end of a struggling relationship (31M), and he owes me money at the end of it.

I don’t even expect anything back at this point. I laugh to keep from crying about the fact that I say yes to seemingly driven men with great jobs, poor management skills (I’m assuming) and still asking for money from me- someone who earns an okay wage for a single person in an expensive city.

In this case, me and my ex were together a year and ever since we met things have been very unstable for him financially. I think he job hopped/got fired/quit 3 times while I stayed fully employed the entire time. It reminded me of my ex of many years (too many to count) that had the same issue. Eventually we broke up because I couldn’t see myself marrying into money problems, plus there was some cheating.

Both broke up with me…

Am I bad juju for a man’s financial health? Like am I the problem at this point? Why did this happen again? I’m ashamed at the amount of money I’ve lost from relationships.

Ladies and gents…. Tips on how to avoid/recognize men with money issues early on?

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2024-03-14T23:54:12+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disapear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

N1tr0m3th8ne · 2024-03-15T03:06:38+00:00

Hookers and Cocaine

Twilight_Rose99 · 2024-03-15T21:29:57+00:00

Please do not ever give a man your are dating money. Ever. The only time you should share your money with a man is when you are married.

shockedpikachu123 · 2024-03-15T23:53:43+00:00

I think people nowadays look too much into how much money a man makes and if he can afford to live in a HCOL city but don’t look at his relationship with money. It’s easy to spot a man who has financial issues but you’ll have to do a bit of research to ask the right questions. How financially literate is he? How much is he investing? What assets does he have? Does he have a budget? Does he live within his means? Does he pay himself first? Besides 9-5 income what other income is he generating passively? Does he hate on other successful men? Asking these questions are a much better gauge in if he’s broke or not

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-03-18T11:36:11+00:00

Tips on how to avoid/recognize men with money issues early on?

I'd say the second time they lose or hop a job in 12 months is a pretty big clue.

asking for money from me

And that's the clincher. That's not normal.

Here's the list of people who have asked me for money:

An elderly neighbor who in retrospect probably had dementia
A shopaholic family member who couldn't handle an emergency bill
A good friend who was nevertheless severely mentally ill and couldn't keep a job

Asking others for money is just... not normal. If a normal person has been knocked on their butt by life hard enough to reach out to ask someone personally for money, they're probably going to break down and cry when asking you, or otherwise clearly have a lot of trepidation. Did you perhaps grow up in an unfortunately financial environment that has caused you to normalize men asking for money like this?

Here's a financial discussion list I've posted before:

"How do you want household spending to be managed when we're married? Are we going to combined finances? If not, how are we splitting expenses and luxuries? Do you want to give me a misc. budget, have me discuss purchases over a certain $ amount, etc.?"
"I currently spend X on non-necessities, like eating out, a gym membership, and beauty. Is this something you're expecting to change once we are married?" [This one will require you to go over every charge you've made in the last couple months and make an average.]
"When do you think it's appropriate to put something on a card that can't be immediately payed or go into debt?"
"What do you see as a reasonable timeline for buying a house, having children, upgrading the house, etc.? How often do you think it's normal to buy a new car?"
"Do you have any questions or concerns about my finances?"
"I made X last year, which was the same amount I made before. How much did you personally make last year? The year before?"
"I have X in savings, and X in personal debt. What do you currently have in savings? Debt? How much of your savings is currently earmarked for other things, like the wedding or a new car?"
"I want to [quit working when we get married/quit working when we have kids/go back to work when kids are school age/always have a job even when we have kids/insert-your-expectation-of-contributing-to-household-finances-here]. Is this what you're expecting? What do you prefer?"

Don't wait 12 months to have those discussions. The sooner you discuss deal breakers the better. How long to wait depends on the state of your own finances - I would tell a woman with bad credit and debt to first of all, change her habits, but secondly, maybe wait a couple months before bringing up finances to give herself a chance to truly put her best foot forward and have already done a lot of the work of winning a man over before discussions her weaknesses she is now mitigating. But you're in a solid position financially. It can be part of the "So where do you see your career going in the next few years" conversation happening in the first month.

throwitinthebag2323 · 2024-05-06T11:38:22+00:00

Wow! I'm sorry hun... Firstly. I'd start journaling about everything. But yes dear you are the one picking these men... stop giving them money point blank period. Perhaps they're some people pleasing tendencies?

Title	Just broke up… why does this keep happening?
Author	mindyourown_biz
Upvotes	43
Comments	69
Date	March 14, 2024 11:54 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1bf00vw/just_broke_up_why_does_this_keep_happening/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/just-broke-up-why-does-this-keep-happening.1426228 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426228

Comments