I miscarried my third baby last Monday. It was one of the most horrific, gruesome, gory, just absolutely awful experiences of my life. I woke up the morning it happened with a feeling of dread in my stomach. I felt panicked and like I couldn’t deal with anything. Felt like a such a loser wimp but went ahead and called my mom and asked her to get the kids and keep them for a few days. I’m so glad I did. It would have been awful if my kids had been home.

I’m shocked by how horrible it was. I don’t mean any disrespect to people who have seen violent crime, but I do feel like I had to watch someone get beheaded. It seemed like more than watching a beheading. I had to watch and be part of it and then deal with the broken pieces of the dismembered person. It was just... horrible. My kids would have been scared out of their minds, because I was screaming and sobbing uncontrollably. The blood and gore, plus the knowledge that I was looking at pieces of my child was just too much to handle quietly.

My mind is blown that this is a “common medical issue.” I know so many women who have lost two, three, even seven children, and some of them were technically stillborns, and not miscarriages. It’s such a grim thing. My husband had been very supportive, but he did make one comment late one night that I should stop talking about it and move on. I don’t know if he really gets it. The thought’s been sticking in my throat. I’m scared of the thought of ever having sex again, since my lady parts seem like a death tomb and it’s hard to imagine them being a source if intimacy or pleasure, or even of new life.

Is this a first world problem? I’m so sad. I feel like a hungry thief snatching at all the signs that the pregnancy exisited. I wanted my baby. I’m so sad that the relationship with this baby is over so soon. I don’t blame myself - I really believe that my body acted as an impartial Mother Nature and rejected the baby because it had a bad abnormality. I’m still so sad though. Am I unreasonable for feeling so deeply lonely? All my food adversions have just disappeared. No pregnancy nausea or tiredness or anything. Some water weight is still floating around. I’m still bleeding from the miscarriage. I’m happy to have my two sons, but I miss the other baby that didn’t make it. I feel even more strongly that life is worth all the grim and blood and death.

But I am just so so sad about my little baby. I wanted him.