Relationship question

Kara__El · 2020-04-12T05:06:13+00:00

When everyone on r/relationships tells you to leave, roll your eyes. When everyone on r/RedPillWomen tells you to leave, lace up your running shoes.

gxorgia · 2020-04-12T04:13:57+00:00

This is abusive and manipulate behaviour. You deserve better. You deserve respect, to feel loved, and not be "punished" for what he sees as flaws. A healthy parnter will talk with you lovingly. He treats you like a dog that peed on the carpet. Leave.

HB3234 · 2020-04-12T04:50:11+00:00

This is something that often happens to abuse survivors. Because you've been subjected to very bad abuse, it can make it hard to notice any abuse signs that are not as "extreme" as what you've experienced before. Being rough with you physically because of a bad mood is abuse. Full stop.

We aren't saying your partner doesn't have good qualities, or that there aren't other good things you experience with him. All abusers have good qualities and in fact they can be VERY charming. However, if you stay, this will get worse and worse as he pulls you deeper into his frame.

There is NO problem solving, no new and superior way of criticism handling that can change an abusive man. There ks literally nothing you can do that you that will change this fact. You can twist yourself into a pretzel to please him and he will still find an excuse to abuse you.

Please leave.

PS please read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy. PDF is free online. It's about how abusive men think and act.

PreciousMuffn · 2020-04-12T04:15:13+00:00

Yeaaaa....not a healthy relationship. Are you in a position to leave and stay elsewhere? Also, are you in therapy?

Tight-Diamond · 2020-04-12T04:01:55+00:00

Dude, no. Leave. He 'punishes' you for 'bad behavior' by withholding affection and being rough with you sexually? GTFO of that situation ASAP.

RPW don't submit to abusive men. This isn't healthy or normal.

ShootingDanks · 2020-04-12T10:39:02+00:00

Hi early_01. Pretend we just met and I'm desperate enough to ask a stranger for advice. Here's the situation:

the past month has been a big down for me.

my partner is very critical

he will comment on even small things

he would punish me for bad behavior

he withholds affection

he's rough with me sexually

he makes me feel invalidated and hurt

sometimes I feel afraid and upset

I feel tearful, afraid, and resentful

he has become less willing to tolerate my emotions

he texted me to "get my ass down here"

he started pinching my nipples hard and spanking me which was not enjoyable

he expects me to hustle when he tells me to

he told me to "wipe that expression off your face"

I started crying and left

usually he is the one to make me leave

I felt upset

the way he expresses his disappointment with me is really hurtful

sometimes he will make fun of me

sometimes he calls me names

he says hurting my feelings is "good for me"

he says he won't change that behavior

I get the impression that he is actually angry.

things seem to be getting worse, not better.

So my question to you is, how can I improve myself so we can get married?

xun1 · 2020-04-12T04:51:16+00:00

Very similar to the relationship I just left , he is abusive even if not on purpose. I thought I could handle it and liked the chance to grow too , but it actually affected my health seriously, and after I left I found out I can actually grow by myself . And am looking forward to growing even more in a constructive environment. He is not captain material.

WildernessGirl247 · 2020-04-12T04:17:07+00:00

I am sorry that you have been through such pain. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. Criticism can be useful in helping a person learn/grow when it is used constructively. It doesn’t sound like your man is being constructive, it sounds like he has little or no regard for how you feel or what you need in the relationship. Name calling and badgering is immature. Him pinching you and slapping your butt or being rough during sex, without your approval is NOT ok. If this man cannot respect you and treat you nicely, he is not quality material. A man doesn’t make fun of a woman he loves and respects , he has compassion and concern. Sometimes men that do those things become physically abusive, please be careful. Take time for you, do things that make you feel good. Make yourself a nice meal and watch a movie you want to see. Life is too short to have more downs than ups. Take some time to reflect on what you want, and when you figure it out, don’t settle for less.

jason_noir · 2020-04-12T06:17:08+00:00

Definitely would recommend leaving as soon as you are able to!! Rough stuff is fine, but never out of anger, and only with permission.

Just the way you said he talked to you was awful as well.

thetallyogi · 2020-04-12T10:19:45+00:00

Run. Don’t walk.

Oh my darling you deserve better than this! A decent man will treat you gently ESPECIALLY having been through what you’ve been through.

How dare he speak to you and treat you like this!

You need to be angry with him for being so critical of you. That is not an attractive quality of his.

Well done for seeing a therapist too.

If I were you I would VANISH from this man’s life, did I read that you live separately? Good! Block him and move on.

Seriously.

Edited to add: you express your hurt to him by disappearing off the face of planet earth - this is the language men understand.

Let us know how you get on.

curious-girl-5 · 2020-04-12T06:06:35+00:00

There are a lot of red flags in your post that is shared by most of the commenters here.

My BIG problem is that you didn't take the time or go through the 'dating phase' properly... Jumping into a relationship with a guy who is passive and is belittling you from the get-go is NOT an ideal situation.

Please, for future reference, take around 6 or so months of vetting in the dating phase before committing to someone! This is absolutely ridiculous...

Zakdoekjeleggen · 2020-04-12T09:17:30+00:00

Run!

You cannot make yours see this is upsetting and hurtful, because he already sees and likes it. He enjoys your suffering. He gets off on it.

My husband does a lot of this, too, so I recognize it. Only for us, it's mutual, and there is consent. I'm a masochist, rough sex after minor mess-ups is like stress relief to me. Only mine would not continue if I wasn't getting off on it, too.

He is a sadist, like my husband. But mine is a benign/moral man with a kink. Yours is dangerous. Leave him ASAP. He cannot change, so don't even try. That's like trying to make a gay man be straight.

Sobinia · 2020-04-12T07:54:50+00:00

Your partner is a tyrant, not a captain. People that are under a tyrant's reign will always suffer because he fulfills his needs even at the cost of his followers, unlike a captain, who fulfills his follower's needs, sometimes even at his own cost.

If you were with a captain, he would have realized that you have recently become more tearful, afraid and resentful. He would have then adjusted his behavior and become more gentle when critisizing you. He DEFINITELY wouldn't pinch your nipples or spank you - that's physical abuse!

Of course, I understand that the quarantine is getting on everyone's nerves. Because of it, though, people are showing their true colors. Treat this as a valuable lesson regarding your tyrant.

AriesAsF · 2020-04-12T11:57:31+00:00

I think your upbringing has led you to believe that your partner's behavior towards you is normal and acceptable. It reallyreally isn't. Normal, healthy men don't behave that way to women they love.

teriyakigirl · 2020-04-12T06:59:58+00:00

Babe, don't let the harshly worded comments hurt your feelings but they're right. Sweety you have to get out of there as soon as possible. I am just like you and I wear my heart on my sleeve and am hyper-sensitive to criticism. This situation is only going to get worse, I am speaking from experience. Get the hell out of there babe before it's too late. Please save yourself.

MT_Lioness · 2020-04-12T18:10:30+00:00

Internet hugs if you would like them. Non-alcoholic internet beverage as well.

Have a seat please. I know much of what has been said is hard to hear. I am going to add my voice and experience to the others and suggest breaking up.

I had a therapist who walked me through similar physical symptoms. She said the physical symptoms are ALL due to ignoring my feelings. I was married to a Captain-wannabe at the time and eventually he broke me.

My headaches and stomachaches evolved into migraines. Trouble sleeping and chest pain became depression and anxiety with a side of suicidal ideation. I never knew how I would set him off, what new torture he would devise.

Eventually he asked for a divorce, I was finally free and incredibly broken. Seven years later, I’m still working on healing.

My progress? I still suffer from seasonal depression, general anxiety, quarterly migraines and one suicidal ideation week every year.

So my dear, please leave. If you choose to stay, individual counseling for both of you and couples counseling as well. I’d say a minimum of two years of weekly sessions before marriage.

BlueBubbleGame · 2020-04-12T17:37:33+00:00

Things are getting worse because he’s abusive and abusers tend to escalate their bad behavior. I’m so glad you are not married to him. You should break up with him.

Title	Relationship question
Author	early_01
Upvotes	18
Comments	62
Date	April 12, 2020 3:13 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/fzozcj/relationship_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/relationship-question.362290 https://theredarchive.com/post/362290

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