Man in deadbedroom asks for advice, gets labeled a narcissist

TL, DR: Man in deadbedroom asks for advice from female columnist, gets labeled a narcissist by columnist, half of commenters say he just needs to do more for his wife around the house

archived link: [link] (http://archive.is/35pvQ)

I've seen some ridiculous biased columns in the past, but this one really shocked me, I didn't think the huffington post would have something this slanted. I actually thought maybe the column was satire.

First,examine the title she chose for this specific column: ‘I Save Children’s Lives Yet My Wife Won’t Have Frequent, Varied Sex With Me’ - Surely this must mean this guy is some boastful, entitled prick right? Well...let's see.

I am completely in love with my wife and, after nine years as a couple and six years of marriage, am just as physically attracted to her as ever. We have three great kids together and by most standards, have a successful marriage. Though there are many things about our life together that I love and would not change, I wish we could recover at least some of the frequency, variety, and urgency our sex life had in the first few years of our relationship.

I made a New Year’s resolution this year to work not only on getting us together more for sex, but also just to work on moments of emotional connection and physical closeness in general. Some parts of that have gone well — for example, we have been going out of “date night” at least every two weeks for the past few months (it was her idea as much as it was mine, actually). For a couple of months, we were even having sex at least twice a month, which is quite a bit, compared to our track record over the past two years or so. There was even a conversation in which I said something like this: “you keep acting like you’re too busy or tired to do it, but then you end up enjoying it.” And the exact words of her reply have stuck with me: “Yes, that’s true. I do.” Yet the last couple of times we have had sex, I have still been hurt to hear her say “make it quick” or “do we really have to do this?”

He's negotiating for more sex, and the goal posts have been set such that twice a month is considered A LOT!

I have to say that I’ve figured out a lot about myself, my wife, and our marriage by reading the DrPsychMom blog (I think I’ve read every single post about couples, sex, and women’s issues with men at least once, if not more). I feel like a bit of a cliché (“My wife and I have three kids under age 6, I have a hard job, I feel stressed, and my wife won’t have sex as often or as enthusiastically as I want... help!) don’t want to be a whiner, and in her defense, during the past 6 years, she has spent all but 8 or 9 of those months either breastfeeding or pregnant. Still, our third baby is now 12 months old, and I can’t help but feel now is a reasonable time to re-devote some attention to our sex life.

Recently, I took her out for a romantic anniversary dinner at a restaurant she loves, followed by ice cream (one of her favorite things in the world) and then a romantic moment at home when I surprised her with a bedroom lit by candles and tried to have a chance to make the sex extra-romantic. We did the deed, but only after she said “I hate this kind of thing. It’s so corny,” even though she planned the same scenario early in our relationship.

Early in the relationship she probably had to actually work to keep him interested, and probably had more respect for him. After years of marriage, her view of him is now quite different.

I feel that at least some of the time, my wife could give me more options than just “no.” For example, say “not tonight, but we can do it this weekend after I’m better rested” Or, “I feel sweaty and gross, but maybe you could join me in the shower after the kids are asleep.” Or even, “I really want to do that with you, but I’m exhausted, so let’s try to do it in the morning if the baby finally agrees to nap in her crib,” etc.

While attraction can't be negotiated, I guess duty sex COULD be, negotiated but it seems that's even out of the question in his marriage.

So I’m not hoping for a miracle (well, I sort of am, though I know transformations take hard work), but I would like to get back to the point where it’s not a struggle to have sex somewhat regularly and have both of us participate with some enthusiasm and perhaps spontaneity. I have previously (before this last baby) suggested scheduling sex, given the complexity of my work schedule and our children’s schedules — and my wife seemed very opposed. Efforts at spontaneous, non-date night sex (with no discussion of whether we are going to do it — e.g. just trying to start making out on the couch or bed) have not been well-received lately. And efforts to be funny or clever (or even just friendly and nice) with come-ons have been been met with at least mild negativity (“that’s so dorky and awkward, and I’m not doing it with you.”)

What do you think my next steps should be? I work hard at my job (which often quite literally involves saving the lives of other people’s children),

Notice how his comment about saving children's lives (which may hint that he is a first responder with a busy schedule) is buried in his question, but look how the columnist spins this to make him seem like a narcissist.

I adore my wife, and I try hard to be a good partner, father, and provider. And I am honestly happy with many aspects of our relationship. But I know I would feel a lot better if we really addressed this missing piece in our happiness and connection. And I honestly believe it would be good for our relationship.

I won't post her full response, but here are some excerpts:

I think you may sound kind of irritating to deal with, especially when you’re not getting your way. You “save children’s lives” for a living, so that likely means your schedule sucks and you’re not around a lot, although you do make bank, if people say that anymore. You likely tend to be kind of a narcissist, not to mention a dude with limitless energy and a Type A personality that invariably ends up criticizing his wife for some perceived failure of energy or imagination, as I discuss here.

I don't see ANYTHING in his submission indicating any of these traits. He seems like a blue pill guy just wanting to know what he can do to get his wife to have sex more often, because, heaven forbid he actually want to have sex more often than twice a month.

She has three kids under six which is tremendously exhausting, especially if she’s always planning around your erratic, super-important schedule of saving kids’ lives. And she can’t say anything about it to complain, because you’re saving kids’ lives. I’m sure every mom whose kid’s life you save wants to give you a blowy, which may stoke the flames of your discontent.

I have no idea where that came from.

I suggest you use that massive brain and all that energy to write down a list of ten things that make you annoying to live with. If anything has a chance of getting you laid, it would be that list, although it would be necrophilia because, after receiving this list, your wife would likely drop dead of shock.

Yes, it is all his fault, and no blame can be put on his wife at all.

Looking at the comments, a lot of people do agree that the columnist is wrong about this, but there are plenty of comments saying it's this guy's fault, and all he needs to do is just watch the kids and let his wife have a day off now and then, even though they have no information on whether he's already tried this or if his schedule would allow it.

Lesson learned: if you do get married and you end up in a deadbedroom, don't ask another woman for advice.

edit: formatting