"We're not having sex tonight."

tickr · 2016-10-27T14:46:39+00:00

"we're not having sex tonight" and "you're such an asshole" are my two favorite things to hear.

autumnwolf27 · 2016-10-27T19:55:42+00:00

girls are confusing as fuck

Stefto · 2016-10-27T14:09:18+00:00

My mother works with children with autism, she once mentioned that you should avoid saying "not"(niet in my native language) because the brain does not register this. So you're basically planting the idea

QuellonGreyjoy · 2016-10-27T15:15:12+00:00

I feel this is a good place to ask, a few times I've been hit with the "we aren't having sex". But instead of ending up doing the deed, we end up cuddling and then I'm left trying pursue for dates later on. Obviously this is hit and miss as the moments passed, they aren't in that mindset anymore so turn more flaky.

Obviously I don't want to be pressuring anyone into sex but while everyone else is getting one night stands I'm often ending up as The Sexless Spooning partner, even after making out.

Any tips on how to go from kissing in the club to sexy times in the bedroom?

ThrowawayPUA · 2016-10-27T19:14:47+00:00

I want to make two things very clear:

This is standard PUA doctrine that has been known and used for many years. There are other variations like "Just one kiss, that's all you get." One advantage of this method is that it establishes consent. You have declined to have sex, so if she pursues it, she has established positive consent.
The moderators will not tolerate people attempting to hijack discussion with extended, hostile argument. Make your point, and let it go. To be more specific, accusations of rape are never acceptable. That goes double for this topic, see point 1.

Terakahn · 2016-10-27T17:10:06+00:00

You say "We're not having sex tonight". They hear "...Sex..."

tramplemestilsken · 2016-10-27T19:36:18+00:00

It's smart for the woman to set that expectation, because a women have learned that a man who is expecting sex and doesn't get it, can be dangerous.

So interpreted it means "Don't expect sex, but it might happen anyway. I just want to be certain that if I don't want to you won't turn into an asshole or try to hurt me."

Basically the same as saying "no hookups" on tinder. They don't want guys showing up thinking it's in the bag.

wndbuy · 2016-10-27T22:43:30+00:00

This is such a common occurrence I'm sure it has been written about before.

It has been. Word for word. This is one of the classic examples of a congruence test (also known as a shit test). It's a woman testing you and the identity you are showing her. You are essentially showing yourself as a confident man with lots of options, and she is testing you on that to see if its real (congruent). If you get angry or bitter, you failed. If you joke around it, don't care about it, etc, you passed.

Why do you pass/fail based on that? Because a man with many options (high status, attractive to women) doesn't care if a random date says they aren't having sex that night, because he has options. He's a high status, in demand guy. A low-status guy, unwanted by women, gets bitter and upset, because this is his one big shot this year at getting laid. Women want high status guys, so giving the high status response = attraction, giving the low status response = loses attraction.

Women do this subconsciously, btw, whenever they first interact with you or escalate with you, or when they get a sense that you are not as high status as you present yourself to be. She's basically shaking you up, giving you a sudden test, to see if you're a real high status guy or just faking it to get laid like everyone else. Women can't tell otherwise.

ACamelsToe · 2016-10-27T16:38:59+00:00

So if I havent had sex with her before, should I say this? And when would you slip this in?

destroidid · 2016-10-27T23:52:04+00:00

..and on this day, hundred of people across the world cockblocked themselves by texting a girl they're infatuated with "we're not having sex tonight."

know_comment · 2016-10-28T01:19:06+00:00

almost every time they say "We're not having sex tonight" it is pretty much guaranteed we are going to have sex.

i think this is a cultural thing. I'm assuming you're american. American girls seem to have a chip on their shoulder and inner conflict where they are judging themselves and each other for sexual morays.

Anti-slut defense. She wants it but doesn't want to be responsible.

this is exactly it. and this is really what drives the "rape culture" referenced by those with the biggest inner conflict in this regard. They don't want to be responsible for their own action, so they set themselves up to NOT be held responsible for their own actions. It allows them to decide retroactively whether or not their own actions were voluntary. I think it's dangerous to fool around with girls who are playing this game, because they are wearing their lack of confidence on their sleeve. But at the same time, they are usually responsive to to displays of confidence.

tooeasilybored · 2016-10-27T13:41:56+00:00

I think just by saying that, there's a good chance (like you said) that there will be sex. If a girl truly did not feel any attraction towards a guy then does she really need to say that? I'd assume she would try to end the date as soon as possible and the opportunity to mention sex isn't even there unless the guy for some stupid reason asks her if there will be sex tonight.

She could be just teasing you, going straight to the point and putting sex in your mind. She could just be trying to avoid looking like a slut, who knows.

What I do know is that, usually this is a good thing. The girl is usually a bit reserved at first, waiting to see what the guy offers. If the guy is a good fit, and she likes him that's a pretty good line to get things going. I'd look straight into her eyes, put my hands on the back of her head and go in for the kiss. She opened the door for you to escalate basically.

stampadbag · 2016-10-27T13:40:18+00:00

2 & 4 are the most common I believe. it happens a lot with first time meeting/hook ups. Having a good time feeling each other and they throw that message out. For sure means #4 in my book.

RytekBJJ · 2016-10-27T17:09:10+00:00

Sex is like exercise. Sometimes you don't feel like it but you know it's good for you and you do it anyway, and when you're done you're gald you did. This is especially true of women. As the man it's your job to get her in the mood even if she starts off the evening saying she's not in the mood. There could ne any number of reasons she not in the mood, but if you know what you're doing it doesn't matter because she will be in the mood after being around you.

krackenfromthedeep18 · 2016-10-27T16:21:53+00:00

I've 100% noticed this effect. I've even used it, just moments before the hookup, "just so you know, I don't want to hook up". In some cases it even seems that the girl wants what she can't have? Eases tension for sure.

All4upvoting · 2016-10-27T20:14:12+00:00

I usually beat them to the punch by saying that first. It works every time for the same reasons you listed. The only difference is that you control the interaction when you take it there and she just goes along with it.

niggaballs · 2016-10-29T05:29:56+00:00

Man, I got into bed with a girl a few weeks back. For the first time ever. I was nervous as shit, I don't know how it happened, but she invited me back to hers, payed for the uber, and told me to take my clothes off and get in her bed. HOWEVER - as I was getting in she said "I'm not having sex with you, we're just hanging out like good mates" and I took her word as law. Safe to say I'm still a virgin, and she stopped replying to my texts.

nosleepatall · 2016-10-27T17:32:52+00:00

She has just established that she is in fact sexually attracted to you and wants to have sex with you, just "not tonight". It is as obvious "I'm a little wet already by the thought but I don't want to appear as that kind of girl" as it gets.

Or, put more bluntly: I want you inside me so bad. Just give me a reason why I can.

ThrowawayPUA · 2016-10-27T18:06:26+00:00

[permanently deleted]

PM-ME-YOUR-SEXTAPE · 2016-10-27T23:13:08+00:00

Why are you thinking about it? Or what makes you think I want to have sex with you?

Or, I am definitely not bending you over my bed, and fucking that ass till you can't walk straight

pbgswd · 2016-10-27T18:08:53+00:00

all points are possible. It gives a woman something to prove, also.

autumnwolf27 · 2016-10-27T20:47:16+00:00

I think it's about consent. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, then exercise caution and move on. I'm not in for manipulation or anything. I value honesty. Last thing I want is sexual assault. It's scary for me.

bound2 · 2016-10-27T22:27:59+00:00

Definitely number 4. I can see the other theories. Last time I heard that I was in a bar, met this gorgeous woman who was bar-hopping with a bunch of her friends. After she told me, I didn't flinch, just let it go, and got her number. I ended up spending the very next weekend with her at her place. So... yeah, if she says that, chances are high that if you don't blow it, you're going to have sex with her eventually.

recyclablebanthas · 2016-10-28T01:48:41+00:00

Reverse psychology

Anti-slut defense. She wants it but doesn't want to be responsible.

Relaxes the tension when both parties don't expect sex

She is thinking about sex with you when she says that

Good post! I think these are all definitely reasons behind it.

I would add a couple more reasons:

It can be a "maturity check" of sorts, where the girl is testing to see whether the guy can cope with the frustration of not getting sex RIGHT THEN.
It can be a kind of "safety check" to see if he can stay in tune with her state, rather than just steamrollering over her (read: assaulting her) in single-minded pursuit of getting in there.

gtrman571 · 2016-10-28T06:28:24+00:00

Whenever I've been on a date with a woman or met a woman at a bar, almost every time they say "We're not having sex tonight" it is pretty much guaranteed we are going to have sex.

But you said you texted her that, so it's guaranteed sex regardless of which party says it?

hcarguy · 2016-10-28T08:37:24+00:00

It's number 4, then number 3 which leads to sex. But seriously I probably would've cancelled to spend time with my homie if his gf just died.

Metro2005 · 2016-10-28T11:07:36+00:00

When a date says that to me i always think: Challenge accepted. I usually win. I think she is just testing you and your reaction. If you freak out its clear to her what your plans are (just use her for sex) and if you are cool with it you might end up having sex :)

Crazy_Flex · 2016-10-27T23:59:50+00:00

I was in a club, flirting/dancing with some girl once. After a while or so she said "I'm not going to go home with you" so I just walked off back to my friends or something. Looking back, if I'd played it right, it probably would have been quite easy to take her home...

bonerl0rd · 2016-10-28T10:55:15+00:00

I agree with this shit pretty much.

slurmfactory · 2016-10-27T16:41:03+00:00

I believe 100% of the time that has been said to me I've gotten laid. I think its also 100% to test your reaction. "What??? fuck that im out" is the worst reaction they fear (well one of the worst i guess). I always alleviate any pressure by saying "of course not, never", ignore it, or if they are asking if thats ok with me i always say something like "no pressure to do anything you dont want to do..." and just completely make them feel comfortable.

bound2 · 2016-10-27T16:59:40+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2016-10-27T17:13:25+00:00

[permanently deleted]

foxman987 · 2022-08-12T04:59:42+00:00

Here’s the thing=

Women who make sex a big deal/put up lots of hoops around sex/do all this fancy shit/reverse pyschology b.s. around sex truly= Only do so when they are insecure and frankly feel like= that’s allll they bring to the table.

That’s a fact

Women who know they are very sexy outside of the bedroom as well the bedroom = don’t really play sex games nearly to the degree women do who feel they have to play all this “Chase me” “make me work for it” “we aren’t havent sex tonight” shit.

The most confident women I’ve been with are very sexy and very intelligent and always will be regardless of when they have sex with a man. They know they are high value and the sex is just the icing on the cake; these are the women I’ve really liked.

Title	"We're not having sex tonight."
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	309
Comments	116
Date	October 27, 2016 1:10 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/59nvet/were_not_having_sex_tonight/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/were-not-having-sex-tonight.1414635 https://theredarchive.com/post/1414635

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