Dating after divorce

BatteredAndBedamned · 2024-07-19T20:22:10+00:00

Honestly, I wish I could feel romantic interest in any woman right now, but it's going to take a while to feel good about a romance again.

Nadathug · 2024-07-16T20:34:07+00:00

Maybe it’s just me discovering what makes me happiest in life, but I prefer my solitude and peace more than being in a relationship. After my divorce I realized I was co-dependent and gave so much of myself in my marriage that I lost my identity. My ex wife also provided a valuable example of the lies and games that most women play. I have friends and family that I spend time with that make my life fulfilled. I have hobbies and goals that give me purpose. And I have women in my life that I like to spend time with for fun and companionship. But I’ll never be in an exclusive relationship, cohabitate, and certainly never marry anyone ever again.

Illgetitdonelater · 2024-07-16T18:45:17+00:00

When I started dating my girlfriend, she had another guy she was seeing. I was patient at first, but I told her I’m not into the whole “situationship” thing. After I told her that, she ended things with him. We have been monogamous for almost a year now. For her, her experience was that most guys want to date around. She was happy to make the change.

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-07-16T18:37:31+00:00

Everyone is different - but it seems the thread is agreed, in the bulk, don’t date unless you have your head straight. Also, every woman you meet, stands the possibility of being entirely different from your ex. There are many awesome women, willing to date, and also to keep their own place, and pay their own way - but you need to be 100% up front about what you want, and are willing to accept. Good luck!

mattinator2012 · 2024-07-16T17:11:45+00:00

Don't get one-itis. It's really important to see what's out there and only really lean in once they check off what you're looking for. You also said you're not going to move in another woman or get married again ... RIGHT NOW.

That can change dramatically if/when you find the right person to do so. A useful mentality is to realize you no longer NEED to remarry or move someone in. Those thing only happen once you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they're your person. I myself am in no hurry.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2024-07-16T16:34:29+00:00

This happened to me. I was lined up for my "Boats 'n Hoes" summer and by chick #3, I was taken aback at her specialness.

She stopped me in my tracks and now I only want to investigate getting to know her.

No marriage, no moving in. But I do sometimes fantasize about waking up with her more often than I am.

ADivorcedGuy · 2024-07-16T16:17:43+00:00

If you have done the work to rebuild yourself post divorce and are now in a place to date, great, if not, don't date until you are there.

Assuming you are now in a good place with the life that you have, the question is what are you trying to accomplish with dating.

If you are looking for causal sex, FWB situations almost always catch feelings on one side or the other. That is a slippery slope.

If you are looking for someone that has thier life in order to share your good life, that is a great place to date from. If you find a woman that matches what you are looking for, catching feelings is great, assuming she has feelings for you as well.

The bottom line questionsto ask yourself are, are you in a good place to date and what are you looking to accomplish with dating?

Bretweir_jerky · 2024-07-16T15:41:11+00:00

Just know that any and all women you’re dating at this age, and after a divorce are actively dating 3-10 other men and having sex with at least 2 of them. That is disrespectful to you (unless you’re aware and ok with it) so do not play their game of being in their rotation. Use and discard

ashtag916 · 2024-07-16T15:28:18+00:00

Whatever you do, don’t lose your faith in love and humanity. There are so many good women out there. Date for fun… I can only date 1 at a time too. I love monogamy!

Just be honest… “I want to do what feels good” is a perfectly sound way to live.

jimsmythee · 2024-07-16T15:23:17+00:00

There's a difference between "Catching feelings" and "Doing something stupid."

Doing something stupid can be "getting remarried too quickly. Or "moving someone in." But it can also be "cosigning on her new car / apartment" or "taking her on expensive vacations you can't afford."

Catching feelings is ok. I did that way too often when I was dating. But my love of money and financial stability prevented me from doing anything stupid.

krazykanuck · 2024-07-16T15:18:40+00:00

It's less about "not catching feelings" and more about "not letting your feelings override the work you've done, and your progress". I may like someone but if I see a red flag, I politely end it.

WindowFuzz · 2024-07-16T15:10:34+00:00

You can’t stop yourself from catching feelings-it’s human. You don’t want to lose your humanity and become a robot. That will bleed into other parts of your life and you will start to behave without feeling/empathy to others, like your friends and kids.

You should read this book: Gatekeepers, a tactical guide to commitment. It will help you better identify healthy partners. The MensWork book by Conor Beaton is great also.

BlackSun56 · 2024-07-16T15:04:08+00:00

Isn’t the point of dating to catch feelings? You’re dating people to meet, learn about, find companionship, and eventually end up in a relationship?

It sounds to me like you just want meaningless sex. And if that’s what you really want, then say just that. Tinder is your friend.

Own_Saucer1993 · 2024-07-16T13:38:32+00:00

I think identifying your goals before putting yourself back in the dating scene will help. Then once you’re out on the field, communicating what you want and looking for will filter out women.

I’ve been on a few dates with different women using the same approach of talking to one woman at a time. Once I see that a connection is losing steam then I unpause my online dating account and start lining up another prospect. I think the key is to filter out quickly usually by date 3 or 4 you can make that call to move forward or move on.

For me I’ve been clear about being divorced and not having any intention on getting remarried. That itself has filtered out a bunch of women very early on. What it’s left me with are women who have been divorced which I am starting to prefer. The women I’ve talked to all have been to therapy and possess a more realistic approach to dating which I appreciate. So even though I’m catching feelings there’s an understanding that there isn’t a marriage in our future and the end goal is a life partnership.

If you’re avoiding feelings and emotionally unavailable then you really shouldn’t be dating. If you’re looking for physical intimacy with one partner then you should be working the FWBs angle or a situationship. Or just explore the world of escorts.

Medical_Number8972 · 2024-07-16T13:21:50+00:00

Women date multiple men all the time so what's good for the goose is good for the gander

Southern-Necessary90 · 2024-07-16T13:11:07+00:00

Remember the peace of solitude

Betteroffalone1111 · 2024-07-16T12:53:52+00:00

To clarify this woman I’m seeing said she doesn’t want to get married, has grown kids, and has a career. Everything seems to be a green flag. But what’s her end goal, because for as long as I’ve been married or dating women always want something more either marriage, moving, buying a place together…

soontobesolo · 2024-07-16T12:33:07+00:00

Do what is right for you and what feels good. Juggling lots of people is challenging for sure. I dated four for a while. Now I'm focused on one.

But it's OK to catch feelings for more than one at a time. Just keep your wits about you.

Also, read "No more Mr Nice Guy"

Rare_Technology5910 · 2024-07-16T12:31:31+00:00

That’s going to eventually happen when there’s a connection. The question is, are you trying not to?

cheesewindow · 2024-07-16T11:58:26+00:00

I dated about 3 or 4 women at the same time. Was a nightmare. Just none stop texting and didn't get a minutes peace. Worse than being married. Would not reccomend 0/10.

Techsanlobo · 2024-07-16T11:39:34+00:00

Date two women at the same time once. Just once. Push yourself to do it and be super clear that you are doing it (tell them the truth).

It will give you great perspective on love and partnership and may even help you be a little more ok with just yourself.

You will still have feelings and sometimes want to verbalize something you know you are clearly not ready for and that’s ok.

Psychological_Art823 · 2024-07-16T11:37:15+00:00

Following.. ive got no idea haha

beezo123 · 2024-07-16T11:35:02+00:00

Struggling with this myself. I actually am together with somebody right now. They have some very positive qualities and some negative ones too. They are younger and fine. Hard not to be really into them. They also appear to be a good person.

Title	Dating after divorce
Author	Betteroffalone1111
Upvotes	12
Comments	52
Date	July 16, 2024 11:04 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1e4ltdb/dating_after_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dating-after-divorce.1524425 https://theredarchive.com/post/1524425

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